[Music] Brighter Than Today - A Humanist Anthem
- Thread starter Raemon777
- Start date
I don't ... get it? I'm not sure I understand, but this is how I'm feeling when listening to/reading the lyrics.
Is the point that this discoverer of fire is shunned because her hypothetical co-freezing community were worshipful of the gods and not critical of the experience of pain? If so, your humanist anthem is really about division, then, which seems counter to the values of secular humanism. Us vs them, the faithful calling 'heretic!' at the scientist... But don't worry, your song tells us, 'courage, hope and reason burn.' In what way? It isn't known, nothing you said about the experience really justifies it. Is it reasonable to seek warmth in winter? Yes. Is it courageous to be shunned by society for making progress? Difficult question, but I'd lean to yes. However... What is hopeful about it? She made fire, and was spurned for it, so that's a bleak outlook.
"Tomorrow can be brighter than today," might be a hopeful metaphor but the visual your song evokes in my mind is a lonely, pyrrhic victory; a woman perhaps less cold, but without human community, what is her lot but to die, the light extinguished? It feels almost ironically hopeless.
Is the point that this discoverer of fire is shunned because her hypothetical co-freezing community were worshipful of the gods and not critical of the experience of pain? If so, your humanist anthem is really about division, then, which seems counter to the values of secular humanism. Us vs them, the faithful calling 'heretic!' at the scientist... But don't worry, your song tells us, 'courage, hope and reason burn.' In what way? It isn't known, nothing you said about the experience really justifies it. Is it reasonable to seek warmth in winter? Yes. Is it courageous to be shunned by society for making progress? Difficult question, but I'd lean to yes. However... What is hopeful about it? She made fire, and was spurned for it, so that's a bleak outlook.
"Tomorrow can be brighter than today," might be a hopeful metaphor but the visual your song evokes in my mind is a lonely, pyrrhic victory; a woman perhaps less cold, but without human community, what is her lot but to die, the light extinguished? It feels almost ironically hopeless.
Also your Kickstarter's comic/story is based in a pretty loose following of history. I'm glad you have been having fun with it, and are moving to chase that passion for it. But, it doesn't strike me as something I would want a part in, as it is.
Sincerely, though, I don't mean my criticisms to be rude; if they come across as such, let me know, and if they are simply not constructive, dismiss them by all means.
Sincerely, though, I don't mean my criticisms to be rude; if they come across as such, let me know, and if they are simply not constructive, dismiss them by all means.
I always welcome criticism so long as it's presented politely, and yours certainly is.
A few notes - this is the first third of the song. (I decided to focus on a smaller part of it to polish during the kickstarter promotion). Most (although not all) the feedback I've been getting is from people who are already involved with the project. I've been asking people outside as well, but most the people willing to put time into serious criticism have already gotten involved and can't really give unbiased feedback. This may be a good place to get some alternate feedback if you're willing:
Lyrics for the full song are here - I'm curious if they address some of your concerns about the emotional arc.
I'm getting an actual band to record and perform a full version of the song. Meanwhile, given limited time, I have to choose between the version you just heard, and this one, which is just myself. Curious which of those you prefer (in particular for promoting an event about communal singing).
Re: the story/comic/overall premise of the event - do you feel like there's a version of this that you *would* want to participate in, that was presented differently? The event can't be all things to all people, and I think it's better focus on elements that I'm passionate about rather than dilute it into another attempt at a generic secular holiday. But if it's possible to make it more accessible to more people without losing that passion, I'm all for that.
A few notes - this is the first third of the song. (I decided to focus on a smaller part of it to polish during the kickstarter promotion). Most (although not all) the feedback I've been getting is from people who are already involved with the project. I've been asking people outside as well, but most the people willing to put time into serious criticism have already gotten involved and can't really give unbiased feedback. This may be a good place to get some alternate feedback if you're willing:
Lyrics for the full song are here - I'm curious if they address some of your concerns about the emotional arc.
I'm getting an actual band to record and perform a full version of the song. Meanwhile, given limited time, I have to choose between the version you just heard, and this one, which is just myself. Curious which of those you prefer (in particular for promoting an event about communal singing).
Re: the story/comic/overall premise of the event - do you feel like there's a version of this that you *would* want to participate in, that was presented differently? The event can't be all things to all people, and I think it's better focus on elements that I'm passionate about rather than dilute it into another attempt at a generic secular holiday. But if it's possible to make it more accessible to more people without losing that passion, I'm all for that.
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The rhythm isn't bad, it's a bit simplistic but catchy, has a little bit of a folksy bent to it. Having read the full lyrics you posted, I like the lyrics. The biggest thing that strikes me as a weakness is the singing.
The female vocals are decent. They're not great, but they're not bad. The male voice (Which I'm going to guess is the OP?) does not harmonize well with it. And listening to the version with just your vocals, it's slightly better? But not a lot. It sounds cheesy, hammy, and particularly in the couplet "Aching angry flesh and bone, Bitterly she struck the stones" you go so far back in your throat that it sounds like parody. It also fluctuates up and down off key.
You sing better than I can, and I'm certainly no music expert so take this with a grain of salt, but in it's current form it's not something I'd want to hear. I realize this is probably raw vocals and some mixing and auto-tuning will probably make it sound a lot different, but these are my impressions with the two versions of the song presented.
The female vocals are decent. They're not great, but they're not bad. The male voice (Which I'm going to guess is the OP?) does not harmonize well with it. And listening to the version with just your vocals, it's slightly better? But not a lot. It sounds cheesy, hammy, and particularly in the couplet "Aching angry flesh and bone, Bitterly she struck the stones" you go so far back in your throat that it sounds like parody. It also fluctuates up and down off key.
You sing better than I can, and I'm certainly no music expert so take this with a grain of salt, but in it's current form it's not something I'd want to hear. I realize this is probably raw vocals and some mixing and auto-tuning will probably make it sound a lot different, but these are my impressions with the two versions of the song presented.
Some other criticism, then.
Yes, the singing ... is quite sloppy (inconsistent and "careless*," really) and needs work. If it's just a rough cut to get something in your ears, then it serves its purpose. If it is intended to be anything close to a production version, well, it needs a lot of cutting and polishing (especially re: phrasing) before it will be ready. The playing, however, is proficient. The rhythm is spot on and the melody never wavers, so at least the instruments lay a solid base (though the sound engineering is inconsistent).
As sung, it sounds as though the poem is being relied upon to tell the story on its own, but really that is not enough. The singing of that poem should bring the story to life. Expression and cadence should illustrate and punctuate that poem to inflate those words with meaning and power, but right now it sounds more like it is being dreamily recited by rote (I hear words rather than sentences, events rather than stories). I speak of the difference between a statement being read by the Chief of Police on the evening news v. the Mayor following the Chief with the reassurance to citizens that Something Is Being Done and Look To The Future. I hear some effective use of this with things such as the swell/increase in complexity on "spark" and witholding the entrance of the male voice until after the light and flame (thought I would have witheld it until "the others"), but they are so isolated (and rare) that it is pretty much impossible for a listener to really get lost in the performance.
Honestly, my biggest criticism is that for a song which is apparently supposed to try to convey the idea that "things will get better," it feels like it gets mired in those minor harmonies near the end, as if it is has trouble climbing out of its own hole. If that's what you're going for (since you say this is the beginning of a longer piece), then that's ok, but if this segment is supposed to stand on its own, then there should probably be a bit more development as that glorious dawn gets built rather than just shyamalanning it home in the last chord the way it does now.
The best advice I can give (non-professional that I am) might be to record a performance where, throughout the entire recording, you imagine that the listener is sitting in front of a screen where the story depicted by the poem is unfolding, but with the sound muted. You, the instruments, and the other singers are positioned just beyond the listener's peripheral vision, and it is your** responsibility to narrate the action as it unfolds, as well as set/guide the mood as appropriate. You are not supposed to pull the listener's attention away from what is happening on the screen, you are merely there to accompany it.
--Patrick
*As in "without care"
**"your" as in "all of you," not just "you, the individual"
Yes, the singing ... is quite sloppy (inconsistent and "careless*," really) and needs work. If it's just a rough cut to get something in your ears, then it serves its purpose. If it is intended to be anything close to a production version, well, it needs a lot of cutting and polishing (especially re: phrasing) before it will be ready. The playing, however, is proficient. The rhythm is spot on and the melody never wavers, so at least the instruments lay a solid base (though the sound engineering is inconsistent).
As sung, it sounds as though the poem is being relied upon to tell the story on its own, but really that is not enough. The singing of that poem should bring the story to life. Expression and cadence should illustrate and punctuate that poem to inflate those words with meaning and power, but right now it sounds more like it is being dreamily recited by rote (I hear words rather than sentences, events rather than stories). I speak of the difference between a statement being read by the Chief of Police on the evening news v. the Mayor following the Chief with the reassurance to citizens that Something Is Being Done and Look To The Future. I hear some effective use of this with things such as the swell/increase in complexity on "spark" and witholding the entrance of the male voice until after the light and flame (thought I would have witheld it until "the others"), but they are so isolated (and rare) that it is pretty much impossible for a listener to really get lost in the performance.
Honestly, my biggest criticism is that for a song which is apparently supposed to try to convey the idea that "things will get better," it feels like it gets mired in those minor harmonies near the end, as if it is has trouble climbing out of its own hole. If that's what you're going for (since you say this is the beginning of a longer piece), then that's ok, but if this segment is supposed to stand on its own, then there should probably be a bit more development as that glorious dawn gets built rather than just shyamalanning it home in the last chord the way it does now.
The best advice I can give (non-professional that I am) might be to record a performance where, throughout the entire recording, you imagine that the listener is sitting in front of a screen where the story depicted by the poem is unfolding, but with the sound muted. You, the instruments, and the other singers are positioned just beyond the listener's peripheral vision, and it is your** responsibility to narrate the action as it unfolds, as well as set/guide the mood as appropriate. You are not supposed to pull the listener's attention away from what is happening on the screen, you are merely there to accompany it.
--Patrick
*As in "without care"
**"your" as in "all of you," not just "you, the individual"
It's still a fairly catchy tune though, I found myself thinking it earlier today, but my brain finally made the connection overnight to the tune Chill Out by Ze Frank http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/
So now it's spinning around in my head as
Countless winter nights ago,
A woman shivered in the cold.
Cursed the skies, and wondered why
the gods invented pain.
Hey
You're okay
You'll be fine (you'll be fine)
Just breathe
Anyway, the tune is still too meloncholy and doesn't follow the flow of the lyrics. It really should get brighter for the chorus, but it keeps the same emotion throughout, to its detriment.
So now it's spinning around in my head as
Countless winter nights ago,
A woman shivered in the cold.
Cursed the skies, and wondered why
the gods invented pain.
Hey
You're okay
You'll be fine (you'll be fine)
Just breathe
Anyway, the tune is still too meloncholy and doesn't follow the flow of the lyrics. It really should get brighter for the chorus, but it keeps the same emotion throughout, to its detriment.