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Can I has bawww thread now?

#1

HowDroll

HowDroll

I've given enough advice in enough bawww threads that I feel I've earned one of my own.

Here's the thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5+ years and are seriously talking about getting engaged. 95% of the time, I'm really happy with him. He's honestly a great guy. He's funny, smart, successful, and has a perfect body, and I truly and deeply love him.

But when things are bad, they're really bad, and even when we're good, I sometimes get the idea that I'm nothing more than a divine lollipop--to use Hemingway's words--to him. He's very traditional when it comes to gender roles and such, and a lot of the time, I don't really mind, but then sometimes he talks down to me and it really upsets me. We were in a restaurant tonight, and he paused when he was placing his order because he wanted to ask for a different side, but I didn't realize that and started my order after he didn't speak for about five seconds. He snapped at me, "Do you want to wait until I'm done?" and later on the waitress came by my table when he was in the bathroom and said, "Maybe it's not my place to say anything, but I can't believe he talks to you like that." My instinct was to defend him, and even now it doesn't look that bad as I'm typing it, but she's right; he talks to me like that all the time, and I've been with him so long that I started thinking it was okay or I deserved it. If a total stranger can recognize it, there has to be something to it. I confronted him about it and he first blew it off, then blew up at me... and once again, I started trying to rationalize it to make his behavior okay. Even now, I feel like I overreacted, when at the time I was fully convinced I was right.

I've confronted him about not respecting me before; this wasn't some great epiphany. Even a few weeks ago, he got so pissed about my going to ElJuski's Halloween party (when one of my best female friends from high school was the one who invited me) that he blew off our plans on actual Halloween to go drinking with his friends after I spent a ton of money on costume makeup. When he gets mad at me, he ignores me for 2-3 days -- as he undoubtedly will after our fight tonight -- and then, when he finally gets over it, thinks that everything is totally fine and sees no need to talk about it.

I don't want to make it sound like we have some terrible relationship and that I'm miserable. That's not true at all. But it's, like, I don't know anymore if this is something that we should just work on or if I should just cut my losses and run. I know -- trust me, I know -- relationships take a lot of work, but between this and the fact that I despise his family, a feeling which is wholly mutual, I'm not sure if I've just been with him so long that I can't see myself with anyone else. I just don't want to look back five years from now and realize I've made a terrible mistake, one way or the other. If I leave him now, I think it'll either be the best thing or the worst thing I've ever done.

tl;dr - relationship trouble bawwww


#2



Le Quack

Man, I can't give you any real advice. I can only say that I hope things work out in your favor.


#3



makare

From what I have seen that kind of disrespect and disregard doesn't get better with time, usually it gets worse.

Ignoring you for 2-3 days? Seriously, what is that about? I don't know you so I am going to use my standard relationship test, if my friend Robin (who is amazing and deserves to be treated like she is amazing) was dating a guy who treated her like that what would I do? The short answer is punch him in the face and tell her to run run like hell.

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't value you. I am not saying you need to be with someone who treats you like a princess or some fairy tale shit like that but the ignoring, the sniping, the overall childishness- no one deserves to be treated that way.

Like I said I don't know you so I shouldn't give relationship advice to you especially serious advice but if it were me or someone I loved who being treated that way there is no way I would put up with it.

my two cents.


#4

Cajungal

Cajungal

Wow. :\ That.... would have really gotten under my skin too. If the server was bold enough to say something, I'm thinking it must have sounded really nasty.

It sucks that he just doesn't seem to want to listen to you. I hope that, if you decide to to make things work, you can find a way to make him hear you and realize how serious you are about it. I like you, Droll. You're an intelligent, sweet lady who deserves respect. One way or another, I truly hope that things improve!

Sorry about the troubles, and good luck to ya! :hug:

And yes, that ignoring for 2-3 days thing is a little childish. It's hard for me to be around people who want to pretend like something never happened like that and never really clear the air.


#5

David

David

Just what I've observed in the past: Guys who act how you described are usually not entirely mature enough to be ready for a serious relationship. I don't know either of you so I could be way off here, but the fact he got that upset about you going to Juski's party suggests insecurity issues on his part. Jealousy (if that's what the deal was over, you going to a guy's party) is only natural, we can't fight millions of years of having that instinct evolved into us. But he should be practicing healthier ways of dealing with it than treating you like you did something wrong.

You should talk to him and make sure he understands that you're devoted to him, but he's just going to have to decide whether he can live with the fact that you're going to have male friends.


#6

IronBrig4

IronBrig4

Ah yes, the "frog in a pot of hot water" scenario; you get so used to it because the grievances only pile up by degrees. Believe me, I've been in a couple of those. You know your relationship better than anybody else here, but I'd give him an ultimatum. If you've already made your feelings known then there's no excuse for his misbehavior.

And his family hates you? Any particular reason why? If his views on gender are very traditional, I'm assuming his family is the same way.


#7

Jay

Jay

You always wonder how a smart woman will get into and abusive relationship and this is how it starts. Obviously, he's not ready for a serious relationship and this is a cop out to the daily pressures in being in such a relationship.

People that act this way will only get worse. This will not get better for you.

It's time to find a way out before you get in too deep. In the long run, he's only gonna make you miserable and it will rip your confidence and self esteem. You need to drop him. He has some deep issues and needs help.

You are not his savior.

So don't think that you might be able to save him. Do you really want someone who says that they love you one minute, and hates you the next? Someone who'll bail on you because he can't balls up and take one for the team? It's his way or the highway? That's bullshit.

You should tell him how you feel, if he'll shut you out and act like a BITCH for a few days, he's not worth it. Guys like this make me laugh.


#8

HowDroll

HowDroll

IronBrig4 said:
And his family hates you? Any particular reason why? If his views on gender are very traditional, I'm assuming his family is the same way.
Click to expand...
Very much so. They're hardcore, super-into-sobriety Catholics who disapproved of me from the beginning--he was 18 when we started dating, I was 15. His dad actually thought I was trying to seduce him so that I could sue him (the dad) for statutory rape. His mom, who is a nurse, actually left a folder full of pamphlets about STDs on his bed about a month after we started dating. His brother and sister both lived at home until they were about thirty, and his family is very much a "let's stay home on weekend nights and have family movie night" type of family, which I wasn't invited to, of course--I'm not family, after all. Bad feelings just piled up throughout the years, and though they've tried to make amends more recently after the brother and sister got married (after dating a chick for 2 months for the brother, 6 months for the sister and her husband. Of course, the spouses are "family" now, and I'm still excluded from family photos etc.), there's years of bad blood to make up for. Like their blaming me for their son drinking (he's turning 24 in a few months) and having sex. Yeah.


#9

Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

I hate to say this, but the talking down, blowing up for an accusation, ignoring 2-3 days and then thinking it's fine; he sounds a LOT like a certain individual I wish I didn't know. That individual spent 20+ years beating his two children, who both went in and out of psych wards. He still treats his wife as you've described above, like he did when they were engaged 30 years ago.


#10

Frank

Frankie Williamson

SeriousJay said:
You always wonder how a smart woman will get into and abusive relationship and this is how it starts. Obviously, he's not ready for a serious relationship and this is a cop out to the daily pressures in being in such a relationship.

People that act this way will only get worse. This will not get better for you.

It's time to find a way out before you get in too deep. In the long run, he's only gonna make you miserable and it will rip your confidence and self esteem. You need to drop him. He has some deep issues and needs help.

You are not his savior.

So don't think that you might be able to save him. Do you really want someone who says that they love you one minute, and hates you the next? Someone who'll bail on you because he can't balls up and take one for the team? It's his way or the highway? That's bullshit.

You should tell him how you feel, if he'll shut you out and act like a BITCH for a few days, he's not worth it. Guys like this make me laugh.
Click to expand...
Basically what I was going to post only more succinct and less rambling.


#11

David

David

Also, I fully agree with others on the not talking to you for 2-3 days. You should make it clear that you won't stick around with him if that childish shit keeps up.


#12

Cajungal

Cajungal

HowDroll;305864][quote=IronBrig4 said:
And his family hates you? Any particular reason why? If his views on gender are very traditional, I'm assuming his family is the same way.
Click to expand...
Very much so. They're hardcore, super-into-sobriety Catholics who disapproved of me from the beginning--he was 18 when we started dating, I was 15. His dad actually thought I was trying to seduce him so that I could sue him (the dad) for statutory rape. His mom, who is a nurse, actually left a folder full of pamphlets about STDs on his bed about a month after we started dating. His brother and sister both lived at home until they were about thirty, and his family is very much a "let's stay home on weekend nights and have family movie night" type of family, which I wasn't invited to, of course--I'm not family, after all. Bad feelings just piled up throughout the years, and though they've tried to make amends more recently after the brother and sister got married (after dating a chick for 2 months for the brother, 6 months for the sister and her husband. Of course, the spouses are "family" now, and I'm still excluded from family photos etc.), there's years of bad blood to make up for. Like their blaming me for their son drinking (he's turning 24 in a few months) and having sex. Yeah.[/QUOTE]

YIKES. :\


#13

Charlie Don't Surf

The Lovely Boehner

I am sorry you are having problems. You are too pretty to have problems :( I hope you can find happiness and work things out.


#14



Wasabi Poptart

Ask yourself a few questions and answer honestly.

Do you like being treated this way? Do you think talking about it and working on things will really make a difference? Do you see things being any different 10 years down the road if/when you are married to him with children?

Think about your answers. Now, if this was a friend of yours coming to you with this story what advice would you give her?


#15

IronBrig4

IronBrig4

Did his family treat the new son-in-law and daughter-in-law the same way when they were dating their daughter and son, respectively? Because if his folks were more conciliatory towards them, there's no way they're going to accept you. And that will make for some very awkward Thanksgivings in the future.

It's one thing if just one member of the family doesn't like you. For example, my mother is notorious for being hostile towards potential girlfriends. But my father is very easygoing so it balances out. However, if the whole family doesn't like you... sorry, but that's going to be an uphill battle for the rest of your life.


#16

Piotyr

Piotyr

I'm not sure what to say that hasn't already been said, but I can give one line of advice:

If he has to change to be someone you want to be with for life, it's not going to work out.


#17

HowDroll

HowDroll

I called him. He didn't answer, no surprise there. I texted him and said "I need to talk to you." He said "I'm not in the mood to talk."

I said "I can't do this anymore."


#18

Charlie Don't Surf

The Lovely Boehner

nooooooooooooooooooooooooo :(


#19

David

David

:( *hugs*


#20

Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

I'm sorry.


#21

Bubble181

Bubble181

Damn.... A first bit of advice is not to suddenly break this off because of what people here say - listen to the good advice, feel free to vent here, but don't break up with him *because* we feel that's the right thing to do... In the end, you're the only person who can know what you feel and what hope there is.

That said - What Serious Jay said. From the sound of it, this relationship is already an abusive one - hopefully "only" psychologically, but if it starts out this way...Yeah, I'm not going to take any bets on where this might lead 5 or 10 years down the road. "Yes, but I love him so" or "He's a good guy most of the time" are probably the two most often heard excuses offered by the victims in abusive relationships....That you manage to use both of those to descrive your partner, should raise some serious red flags.
Do you really love him? Or is it just complacency, being content with what you have and not being able to see how it could be better in the short term? After 5 years, of course you both know one another so good etc that it'll take years for someone else to come close...But perhaps it's necessary.
Though people say you can't change someone, and you really shouldn't have to try and change your partner, perhaps you can try to change him...But it sounds unlikely to me.


#22

Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Droll my dear, how I wish I could give you advice. It would seem so pointless coming from me at this point however, as I'm in pretty dire straits relationship wise myself. What I can say is thus:

Having someone appreciate you completely is probably the most important part of a relationship. Money, friends, family. That can all be worked through, lack of respect however, is just something you have or you don't.

This could stem from the fact that perhaps his father never respected his mother and blatantly showed that side in front of his children growing up. Therefore your BF doesn't know any better. Though, that's not exactly a good thing as 20yrs of ingrained sense of disrespect isn't going to be conquered through 3yrs of dating.

Personally, one of the biggest problems my GF and I are having is that she (and I) finally realized I didn't really appreciate her in the ways she deserved (I always respected her) but I didn't make her feel as special as she deserved to be. I'm working on that now, but it wasn't something I was fully aware I was doing.

If he "knows" and doesn't "care" or says he cares but doesn't change, I can't see a solution to that being fixable. Though I'm no psychiatrist, and if you really have intentions of marrying/spending the rest of your life with him, perhaps at least one session of couple's counceling? (Big sign he has no intentions of taking you seriously would be him refusing to go).


#23

fade

fade

[strike]Does this mean you're available?[/strike]

I've got nothing to add. If it irritates you now, it'll just irritate you more later. For that matter, if you find it cute or endearing now, it'll irritate you later. Trust me. I'm married.


#24

Calleja

Calleja

I can offer hugs.

Are you up for Calle-hugs?


#25

Jay

Jay

I have a question for you to add to my previous post :

You mentioned in the 5 years you seriously talked about being engaged... what impedes it?


#26

HowDroll

HowDroll

Thanks so much for all the advice and well-wishes, guys. I really do think the writing's on the wall.

SeriousJay said:
I have a question for you to add to my previous post :

You mentioned in the 5 years you seriously talked about being engaged... what impedes it?
Click to expand...
Age, mostly. I'm only 20, and he always says we are "too young." I guess that means he wasn't ready, but he had the most irritating habit for awhile -- especially when we were living in the UK -- of introducing me as his fiance. He told me it was because people don't take us, and I suppose him by extension, seriously if I'm only his "girlfriend," but then I had people asking to see my ring and stuff. It was totally awkward and I told him he couldn't do it anymore until we're actually engaged.


#27

Jay

Jay

Nothing else? Just age?

20 is a young age, to be honest. But that depends on the situation.


#28

HowDroll

HowDroll

SeriousJay said:
Nothing else? Just age?

20 is a young age, to be honest. But that depends on the situation.
Click to expand...
I think that's the biggest thing. He definitely made it sound like he planned to propose by the end of next year. He's just getting established in his career, and I'm not even done with school yet. Neither of us were in any particular hurry to get engaged, but it was most definitely on the horizon.


#29

Jay

Jay

I understand.

Still, my original post stands. :)

Be strong woman. And remember, you're no one's savior!


#30

Piotyr

Piotyr

If you're in the relationship because you think he's worth it, bring in an outside perspective (preferably a professional) to see if the relationship is salvageable.

If you're in the relationship because you're used to it and don't want to be alone, then keep in mind there would probably be guys lining up on command given the chance (not necessarily all from here...right Halforumites?).

If you're in the relationship because you think you can change him into a person you would want to marry, you're likely to have better luck finding someone you can accept as is in the first place.


#31

Gusto

Gusto

Have strength, my friend.

/vibes /hugs


#32



rabbitgod

Everybody pretty much said everything I wanted to.

A BIG part of relationships is respect. Speaking down to you like that in public is a clear indicator that he doesn't think you're on the same playing field he is.

Another BIG part of relationships is communication. Couples argue, they just do, but strong relationships can put aside any bad feelings and just talk it out. So if he's avoiding you for days at a time he's clearly not interested in growing with you.

That doesn't mean that you should just break up. You should try to get help. Find a professional and give it a try. That's what it's all about, trying. You grow with your partner, you learn from them, they push you to excel. If it works out then great, if not oh well, you tried.


#33

Piotyr

Piotyr

And before I sound too much like an inhuman monster...

...I'm sorry. I know the situation sucks for you, and I just hope you can be strong and come through it a better, happier person.


#34

HCGLNS

HCGLNS

I don't know you well enough to comment on your relationship, but I will offer some advice. No matter who ends a relationship or on what terms it ends, it's never a bad move to change you locks.


#35



Chazwozel

Your boyfriend's a lucky man. Lucky in the sense that I'm married. Although, I don't know if my cheap tricks work anymore. :horn:


#36

bhamv3

bhamv3

Adding my cyber-hugs to the pile!


#37

ThatGrinningIdiot!

ThatGrinningIdiot!

Huh, I though you were older than me Droll. You're certainly much more mature than I am. :)
Wait, I shouldn't be happy about this. . . .
:(

----------
Sorry I don't have anything of great value to contribute, I'd like to give out advice, but I'm a little reticent to do so. Not like you need it though, you have some great people here whom are very caring. Surprising for a forum, must be your dickerdoodles that make you so popular.

Oh, and the bewbs too. Can't forget those! :p


#38



Koko

Piotyr said:
If you're in the relationship because you think he's worth it, bring in an outside perspective (preferably a professional) to see if the relationship is salvageable.

If you're in the relationship because you're used to it and don't want to be alone, then keep in mind there would probably be guys lining up on command given the chance (not necessarily all from here...right Halforumites?).

If you're in the relationship because you think you can change him into a person you would want to marry, you're likely to have better luck finding someone you can accept as is in the first place.
Click to expand...
QFT :sorry:


#39

Enresshou

Enresshou

Pretty much echoing what everybody else has said.

Even if you were to discount the psychological abuse, one of the most important foundations for a healthy relationship is open communication. It's something I've struggled with in the past, and is something that my current girlfriend grapples with--she's not very talkative when there's a problem, which has lead to some big fights before. She's working on it, in a large part because I listen when she has a problem and I try to make myself better for it.

Which brings me to the next point--I think one of the best points I ever heard made was, "Love means wanting to be a better person for somebody." Anecdotes aside, he's not meeting a very vital need if it takes him two to three days to cool down from a relatively minor fight.

Long story short, talk to him. If he doesn't want to talk, force him to. If what you're doing now isn't working, try something different.


#40

Ross

Ross

I was in a similar situation myself, in which it was all good most of the time, but there were a few key things about my girlfriend that arose from time to time that I couldn't get over. Having a logical mind, and even weighing in the fact that I still had to live with her because of the apartment lease, I broke up with her.

It sounds like this stuff really upsets you, and no one should have to put up with that shit. I'm glad to hear you've made the first step to moving on.


#41

Shannow

Shannow

give him a blowjob and a sandwich with a beer. he wont be mad anymore.

do this whenever you fight. problems solved.


#42

Shannow

Shannow

also...anal


#43



Heavan

I'm a follower of the 'if you have to wonder whether or not you're happy, even if you decide that you are, it isn't true happiness'.

Right now, you're wondering whether or not this dude is worth it. That should be answer enough right there, in my (hypocritical) opinion.


#44

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Droll... C'mere for a sec.

*big, warm, fuzzy Finnish teddy bear hug* :hug:

If you're hurting like hell right now... let it out. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel you need a drink, do so... but not alone. If there's something that lets you dull that pain, do so. Just as long as you don't let it fester and ruin the good person I know you are.

Based on what you wrote... I believe you made the right decision. Assholes don't get better over time, they just become bigger assholes. And if all you wrote is true... the disrespect, the childishness, the implication of "barefoot and pregnant"-kinda family model... well, good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'd ask for his phone number, but I don't know if it's illegal to impersonate a Russian mafia thug threatening to bust his kneecaps and feed his kidneys to the dogs :p


#45

doomdragon6

doomdragon6

"If you have to ask," yadda yadda.

First of all, your boyfriend sounds odd to me-- having traditional gender rolls when he's such a bitch.

Secondly, I have never ever, ever, ever, ever known a 15-year-old girl to make a good decision on who she dated. The fact that you started dating at 15 and are 20 now, and from your description of the things he does, you should definitely look for something else.

My best friend is actually very very similar to your boyfriend. Very traditional, etc etc. His girlfriend (who was, gasp, 15 when they started dating) started having similar uncertainties much like you are. He snapped at her, belittled her (only he never realized he was doing it), etc. She often came to me asking what I thought.

After a while, I realize his behavios was "building up." It would spill over to me-- he'd treat me like he treated her. Snapping every now and then, CONSTANTLY belittling anything I said, always believing he was right, etc etc. I started to realize how she felt. And it constantly, constantly, built up. I got to a point where I downright resented him and could only imagine how his gf felt. There would be point where I would be nowhere near him, hadn't even talked to him recently, and I would just get angry at him.

He's been my best friend for 20 years, so time has little to do with it. If anything, it'll get worse. Once she broke up with him, he returned to normal and became far less insufferable. It's something akin to a power trip, but not quite.

At any rate, he's with someone who much more closely matches his type now, and none of those qualities have resurfaced yet. Mostly because they are "equals" now.

What I'd say is that he doesn't see you as equal in his eyes, and that is never okay.

My advice: Leave him and see what other great guys are out there.

My creepy advice: Dump him and come find me, cuz holy hell you are the gorgeous-est girl ever.


#46

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

doomdragon6 said:
My creepy advice: Dump him and come find me, cuz holy hell you are the gorgeous-est girl ever.
Click to expand...
*back-of-the-head slap*

Dude, not cool. We all think she's gorgeous, but you started sounding like Howard Wolowitz right there.


#47

doomdragon6

doomdragon6

North_Ranger;305965][quote=doomdragon6 said:
My creepy advice: Dump him and come find me, cuz holy hell you are the gorgeous-est girl ever.
Click to expand...
*back-of-the-head slap*

Dude, not cool. We all think she's gorgeous, but you started sounding like Howard Wolowitz right there.
[/quote]

Man I'm jokin' and you know it. :wink: Besides, I have a best-girlfriend-ever anyway. :D


#48

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

You're still creepy, you Limey drake, you :p


#49

Gurpel

Gurpel

doomdragon6 said:
...Besides, I have a best-girlfriend-ever anyway. :D
Click to expand...
...only until she sees this thread


#50



Iaculus

Oi! Creepy limey drake right here!

Also, slightly worrying overlong hugs to Droll, and hope things work out for the best, whatever that might be.


#51

Gurpel

Gurpel

Iaculus said:
Oi! Creepy limey drake right here!

Also, slightly worrying overlong hugs to Droll, and hope things work out for the best, whatever that might be.
Click to expand...
hm for some reason i thought you were more into the younger chicks.


#52



Chazwozel

North_Ranger;305965][quote=doomdragon6 said:
My creepy advice: Dump him and come find me, cuz holy hell you are the gorgeous-est girl ever.
Click to expand...
*back-of-the-head slap*

Dude, not cool. We all think she's gorgeous, but you started sounding like Howard Wolowitz right there.
[/quote]


pfftt...if that's not creepy.

Behold! He comes from yonder horizon! The mighty White Knight of the internet!



#53



Chazwozel

Shannow said:
give him a blowjob and a sandwich with a beer. he wont be mad anymore.

do this whenever you fight. problems solved.
Click to expand...

I could go for a blowich riiiight now.


#54

Bubble181

Bubble181

Chazwozel;305995][quote=Shannow said:
give him a blowjob and a sandwich with a beer. he wont be mad anymore.

do this whenever you fight. problems solved.
Click to expand...

I could go for a blowich riiiight now.[/QUOTE]

Couldn't we all?


#55

fade

fade

Iaculus said:
Oi! Creepy limey drake right here!

Also, slightly worrying overlong hugs to Droll, and hope things work out for the best, whatever that might be.
Click to expand...
Hands above the waistline.


#56

Espy

Espy

I can't add anything to the good advice (and really creepy hitting on you posts, seriously, WTF guys?) already in this thread, but it seems like you are making some hard decisions, which always sucks. I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with all that, you seem like a terribly nice person who really doesn't deserve that crap. :(


#57

Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

makare1 said:
From what I have seen that kind of disrespect and disregard doesn't get better with time, usually it gets worse.
Click to expand...
^^^^^


#58



Chazwozel

Tinwhistler;306043][quote=makare1 said:
From what I have seen that kind of disrespect and disregard doesn't get better with time, usually it gets worse.
Click to expand...
^^^^^[/QUOTE]


Bitch, get in the kitchen and make me some pie.


5 years later...

Bitch, get in the kitchen and make me some rack of lamb and while you're at it mill out some nice pinot noir with your bare feet. Oh and get me a a good Belgian beer, but make sure it's been filtered through a 2 uM filter and you painstakingly pick out the remaining sediment (if it's bad, I'll spit it in your face).


#59



Twitch

Chazwozel;306050][quote=Tinwhistler;306043][quote=makare1 said:
From what I have seen that kind of disrespect and disregard doesn't get better with time, usually it gets worse.
Click to expand...
^^^^^[/quote]


Bitch, get in the kitchen and make me some pie.


5 years later...

Bitch, get in the kitchen and make me some rack of lamb and while you're at it mill out some nice pinot noir with your bare feet. Oh and get me a a good Belgian beer, but make sure it's been filtered through a 2 uM filter and you painstakingly pick out the remaining sediment (if it's bad, I'll spit it in your face).[/QUOTE]
Dad?


#60

Null

Null

Don't be a quitter HowDroll, don't leave until after he starts hitting you and you're pregnant.

Look, you're an apparently smart girl that already knows the answer - you know, or you wouldn't be asking for people to tell you differently. Leave this fucking loser, his shithead family, and salt the earth behind you. If, after a few months, you still want to be with an older guy who treats you like crap, slap yourself extremely hard until that feeling goes away.


#61

SpecialKO

SpecialKO

doomdragon6 said:
My best friend is actually very very similar to your boyfriend. Very traditional, etc etc. His girlfriend (who was, gasp, 15 when they started dating) started having similar uncertainties much like you are. He snapped at her, belittled her (only he never realized he was doing it), etc. She often came to me asking what I thought.

-----

He's been my best friend for 20 years, so time has little to do with it. If anything, it'll get worse. Once she broke up with him, he returned to normal and became far less insufferable. It's something akin to a power trip, but not quite.
Click to expand...
I have seen a case of this myself. Sometimes, it's for the benefit of both people for them to break up.

Not much else to add that hasn't already been said. I think you made the right decision.


#62

Bubble181

Bubble181

Chazwozel said:
Oh and get me a a good Belgian beer, but make sure it's been filtered through a 2 uM filter and you painstakingly pick out the remaining sediment (if it's bad, I'll spit it in your face).
Click to expand...
If you're filtering your Belgian beers, you're doing it wrong. Tsk.


#63

Dave

Dave

Dump him, date Juski, have Halforums babies.

Problem solved.


#64

Gusto

Gusto

Halfooorums Baaaabies, we make our dreeeeams come truuuue~~


#65

Cajungal

Cajungal

^^^^^^


#66

Cheesy1

Cheesy1

Dave said:
Dump him, date Juski, have Halforums babies.

Problem solved.
Click to expand...
And their son will absolutely LOVE crayons, while their daughter will have an unhealthy obsession with making phallic-shaped pastries in her EZ-Bake Oven.

Gusto said:
Halfooorums Baaaabies, we make our dreeeeams come truuuue~~
Click to expand...

"Is everything alright in here, kids?"


#67

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Hmmm... Posting a baww thread leads to matchmaking. Or in other words, prospects of sex...

...

Baww?


#68

Bubble181

Bubble181

Hey Ranger, how you doin'? ;)


#69

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Dammit, I knew there was a catch to it!

*covers his suspenders*


#70

Bubble181

Bubble181

*TWANG*


#71

SpecialKO

SpecialKO

Bubble181 said:
*TWANG*
Click to expand...
:eek:Did...did you just shoot NR in the junk...with an arrow?!


#72

Bubble181

Bubble181

Dude, I just pulled his suspenders! Get your mind out of his pants!


#73



Chazwozel

Chazwozel does not approve of a 'get Juski laid' thread.

Bad dogs!



#74

KCWM

KCWM

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. It's a cliche, but people change SO drastically from their teens to their 20s and from 20-25, at least in my experience/opinion. At 20, you have your entire dating life ahead of you. It's obvious that you're a pretty girl, so you should have a few options for your next relationship, whenever that might happen. You should never settle for something that's 95% good. Nothing will ever be 100% good because even the best relationships have hiccups, but I could never imagine accepting a relationship where either I or the other person involved said ANYTHING like what he said in a public place. In private and joking around? Very different. In public? Very much a lack of respect that, as has been wisely pointed out, will only devolve, especially if he's 24. It'd take something incredibly serious to change him now...and he knows you'll take it, so what motivates him to change?

It sounds like you made a quick decision in your text to say you can't do this anymore. While a break up via text (if I understood correctly) isn't the best way to go about it, it gets the ball rolling. Do not back down. You HAVE to stand up for yourself and you have the wisdom to recognize what's happening, that you're trying to rationalize it, and that rationalizing is enabling him.

My post is more or less a summation of many points already made. From my own personal relationship experience, the only one that's worked is the only one where there's mutual respect, communication, and compromise. It took a lot of stumbles and falls to get me here, but I couldn't be happier. Sadly, it took me 25 years to find her, but the last 6 years of my life have been an incredible experience.

DO NOT SETTLE because it's great 95% of the time. Let me repeat...DO NOT SETTLE. Follow the path that you started on with your text to him.

And you have a forum full of support. Can't beat that.


#75

Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Should I be concerned I snagged my current GF at 20 then? :slywink:

Though honestly, she hasn't changed much from 15 due to her upbringing. I will agree with the fact that alot of people do make significant changes from their teen years to late 20s in some ways however.


#76



Heavan

My new advice would be to slow it down and wait a little while for latent feelings to disappear, but then I realized I'm not an authority on the matter.


#77

Gurpel

Gurpel

HowDroll said:
But there was a mutual understanding that it meant nothing, and we went on to have a great time with our other two friends tonight. I also have not slept since about 5:30 AM yesterday, so I'm totally exhausted. I guess we'll see how I feel about it tomorrow.
Click to expand...
1. how clear did you make it that you weren't going to continue dating the bf?

2. you are 100% sure about that mutual understanding, right? like, 100 percent sure?


#78

Bubble181

Bubble181

What Gurpel said.

Also, now that you're going to be single again, is it
a) still creppy
b) not creepy anymore
c) even more creepy than ever
to hit on you over the forum? :-P


#79



Heavan

Bubble181 said:
What Gurpel said.

Also, now that you're going to be single again, is it
a) still creppy
b) not creepy anymore
c) even more creepy than ever
to hit on you over the forum? :-P
Click to expand...
All of the above plus x) none of the above


#80

Timmus

Timmus

I'm a little late to this party but I really really wanted to quote some Dan Savage for you.

"DTMFA"

for all the reasons everyone else already said.

You made the right choice so good on you. Fucked up conception of modern gender roles aside the expressed his problems with you by sulking like a child. Who wants to marry a child.

If i read this thread right you are 20 years old. Nothing wrong with that but most twenty year olds act wild and make interesting life choices. Just like you already did this weekend. Good for you. You are a normal 20 year old. I say take this time to figure yourself out and enjoy yourself while you do.

There's plenty of time to get married.

Getting married is something adults do. No offense to you I don't really know you. An adult is also someone who worries about mortgages, car payments and jobs that matter to their careers. If that stuff appeals to you go be an adult and power to you. If that stuff doesn't appeal to you right now just enjoy your youth and freedom.

Good luck to you in either case.


#81

KCWM

KCWM

Shegokigo said:
Should I be concerned I snagged my current GF at 20 then? :slywink:

Though honestly, she hasn't changed much from 15 due to her upbringing. I will agree with the fact that alot of people do make significant changes from their teen years to late 20s in some ways however.
Click to expand...
I hear that's how the zombie apocalypse starts...meeting them at 20. I'd head for the hills, bunker up, and pray that you have enough shells.


#82



Iaculus

KCWM;306224][quote=Shegokigo said:
Should I be concerned I snagged my current GF at 20 then? :slywink:

Though honestly, she hasn't changed much from 15 due to her upbringing. I will agree with the fact that alot of people do make significant changes from their teen years to late 20s in some ways however.
Click to expand...
I hear that's how the zombie apocalypse starts...meeting them at 20. I'd head for the hills, bunker up, and pray that you have enough shells.[/QUOTE]

Was that last bit addressed to Shego... or the zombies?


#83

bhamv3

bhamv3

Amorous Vyxen said:
Cool beans.
Click to expand...
This.

We're here for you, Droll, whenever you need us. In the totally non-creepy way.


#84



Chazwozel

bhamv3;306240][quote=Amorous Vyxen said:
Cool beans.
Click to expand...
This.

We're here for you, Droll, whenever you need us. In the totally non-creepy way.[/QUOTE]

Fuck that. I'm totally here to get my creep on.



#85

fade

fade

Geez, it's not like anyone's seriously hitting on her. I think we all know it's just a little levity.


#86

Cajungal

Cajungal

:thumbsup: Sounds like you had some fun the other night. You deserve it. You know this guy well; I'm sure you both understand what all that really was. :) Hope that you get some rest!

---------- Post added at 12:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:42 PM ----------

Also, Chaz, now I have to go and get pizza today. Mellow Mushroom here I come...


#87

HowDroll

HowDroll

Gurpel;306197][quote=HowDroll said:
But there was a mutual understanding that it meant nothing, and we went on to have a great time with our other two friends tonight. I also have not slept since about 5:30 AM yesterday, so I'm totally exhausted. I guess we'll see how I feel about it tomorrow.
Click to expand...
1. how clear did you make it that you weren't going to continue dating the bf?

2. you are 100% sure about that mutual understanding, right? like, 100 percent sure?[/QUOTE]

How clear did I make it to the boyfriend or to my friend? The (ex) boyfriend and I have not had any sort of "break up talk," if that's what you mean.. When we got into a big fight about how he doesn't respect me and I said "I can't do this anymore," I think it was obvious what I meant by that. As far as I'm concerned, we've broken up. If he respected me enough to actually talk to me, I could have said it differently, but he doesn't, so smurf him.

As to the mutual understanding with my friend, yeah. That's part of the reason we didn't actually have sex. Feelings and everything else aside, he lives a state away and just got into pharmacy school. He comes home maybe 2-3 times a year and won't be moving back to Chicago permanently for 3.5 more years. But we agreed a long time ago - like, freshman or sophomore year of high school - that we could never be in a relationship. He's one of my best friends and I love him dearly, but our "types" are too different, and we'd drive each other crazy. We had such a good time last night anyway that I'm not worried about it wrecking or even changing our friendship.


Bubble181 said:
What Gurpel said.

Also, now that you're going to be single again, is it
a) still creppy
b) not creepy anymore
c) even more creepy than ever
to hit on you over the forum? :-P
Click to expand...
I've never found it creepy :p Then again, if I had a penis instead of tits, I'd be one of the creepiest bastards on the forum (Panera, anyone?). But now that I'm single, you all can feel free to hit on me to your hearts' desire without worrying about the off-chance of a heavily-muscled man showing up at your doorstep to beat the crap out of you.

Chazwozel;306241][quote=bhamv3;306240][quote=Amorous Vyxen said:
Cool beans.
Click to expand...
This.

We're here for you, Droll, whenever you need us. In the totally non-creepy way.[/QUOTE]

Fuck that. I'm totally here to get my creep on.

[/QUOTE]

I had Chicago-style pizza last night with my out-of-town friends. It was fantastic, and I totally thought about you.


#88

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

HowDroll;306259][quote=Bubble181 said:
What Gurpel said.

Also, now that you're going to be single again, is it
a) still creppy
b) not creepy anymore
c) even more creepy than ever
to hit on you over the forum? :-P
Click to expand...
I've never found it creepy :p Then again, if I had a penis instead of tits, I'd be one of the creepiest bastards on the forum (Panera, anyone?). But now that I'm single, you all can feel free to hit on me to your hearts' desire without worrying about the off-chance of a heavily-muscled man showing up at your doorstep to beat the crap out of you.
[/QUOTE]

Well in that case...

*pulls off his clothes, revealing a Chippendales-style minimal outfit - with suspenders!* :D


#89

HowDroll

HowDroll

North_Ranger;306260][quote=HowDroll;306259][quote=Bubble181 said:
What Gurpel said.

Also, now that you're going to be single again, is it
a) still creppy
b) not creepy anymore
c) even more creepy than ever
to hit on you over the forum? :-P
Click to expand...
I've never found it creepy :p Then again, if I had a penis instead of tits, I'd be one of the creepiest bastards on the forum (Panera, anyone?). But now that I'm single, you all can feel free to hit on me to your hearts' desire without worrying about the off-chance of a heavily-muscled man showing up at your doorstep to beat the crap out of you.
[/QUOTE]

Well in that case...

*pulls off his clothes, revealing a Chippendales-style minimal outfit - with suspenders!* :D[/QUOTE]

With suspenders?! Hot damn!


#90

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Wanna twang 'em? ;)


#91

IronBrig4

IronBrig4

North_Ranger said:
Well in that case...

*pulls off his clothes, revealing a Chippendales-style minimal outfit - with suspenders!* :D
Click to expand...


#92

Jay

Jay

Good stuff Droll! :)


#93

Silver Jelly

Silver Jelly

I didn't say anything before because my complete lack of relationship experience made me feel like I couldn't say anything you could use. But reading the advice and the real life development of what happenned, I was here in the corner, nodding in silence.
I think you did the right thing, I'm happy that you seem to be doing as fine as somebody can in this situation and I'm sure this experience will ensure just better relationships in the future.

I also didn't say anything because I find it difficult not to do creepy innuendo-jokes and I didn't feel like this was the appropiate thread :p


#94

Chad Sexington

Garbledina

Curiously my last girlfriend had the same habit as your boyfriend of ignoring me childishly whenever we disagreed. The rest of the situation was not quite the same but it was definitely psychologically painful for me to be in that relationship. It took quite a bit for me to get past the idea that I could or deserved to put up with it for what was good, but ultimately when I ended the relationship, the first thing I felt was relief. I'm not going to say I never miss what was good in the relationship, but I made the right choice for me, and if it's emotionally or psychologically stressful to be with someone, maybe it's time to reconsider that relationship (which it sounds like you have; I'm late to the game here).

Hopefully you're doing well and get by okay and I hope you've got a good support structure around you (friends, family and [strike]as a last resort[/strike], something you should never ever have to resort to (I jest!), the crazies on Halforum) to get by any rough spots.


#95



Chazwozel

North_Ranger said:
Wanna twang 'em? ;)
Click to expand...
Oh hai



#96

Cajungal

Cajungal

North_Ranger said:
Wanna twang 'em? ;)
Click to expand...
Aim for the nipple!


#97

North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Oh fork you, guys. Fork you and your suspenderphobia :D

---------- Post added at 02:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:41 AM ----------
Cajungal said:
Aim for the nipple!
Click to expand...
... Eep!


#98

Cajungal

Cajungal

Once you go suspendered.....

I'm tired. Someone finish that for me.


#99

ElJuski

ElJuski

Chazwozel said:
Chazwozel does not approve of a 'get Juski laid' thread.
Click to expand...
:(


#100

figmentPez

figmentPez

Chazwozel said:
Dude, the only people allowed to wear suspenders are business execs, Santa Claus, and men over 60.
Click to expand...
What? No firefighters on that list?


#101

HowDroll

HowDroll

North_Ranger said:
Wanna twang 'em? ;)
Click to expand...
*TWANG* :D


I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop emotionally. I've been keeping myself super busy, but I'm just holding my breath and expecting it to hit me like a ton of bricks at any moment. I mean, I ended a 5-year relationship. I should be devastated, right?

So far, I've been fine, so I guess we'll see. Aside from our fight after we left the restaurant, I haven't shed a tear.

I'm throwing myself into a massive renovation of my bedroom, where I spend most of my time at home; I have so much STUFF that he's given me over the years or that reminds me of him. It's all going in my closet for now, and I'm painting over my lime-green walls. I feel somehow like I need to change the energy of this room.


#102

Silver Jelly

Silver Jelly

HowDroll;306600][quote=North_Ranger said:
Wanna twang 'em? ;)
Click to expand...
*TWANG* :D


I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop emotionally. I've been keeping myself super busy, but I'm just holding my breath and expecting it to hit me like a ton of bricks at any moment. I mean, I ended a 5-year relationship. I should be devastated, right?

So far, I've been fine, so I guess we'll see. Aside from our fight after we left the restaurant, I haven't shed a tear.

I'm throwing myself into a massive renovation of my bedroom, where I spend most of my time at home; I have so much STUFF that he's given me over the years or that reminds me of him. It's all going in my closet for now, and I'm painting over my lime-green walls. I feel somehow like I need to change the energy of this room.[/QUOTE]

I'm still nodding.


#103

Espy

Espy

HowDroll;306600][quote=North_Ranger said:
Wanna twang 'em? ;)
Click to expand...
*TWANG* :D


I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop emotionally. I've been keeping myself super busy, but I'm just holding my breath and expecting it to hit me like a ton of bricks at any moment. I mean, I ended a 5-year relationship. I should be devastated, right?

So far, I've been fine, so I guess we'll see. Aside from our fight after we left the restaurant, I haven't shed a tear.

I'm throwing myself into a massive renovation of my bedroom, where I spend most of my time at home; I have so much STUFF that he's given me over the years or that reminds me of him. It's all going in my closet for now, and I'm painting over my lime-green walls. I feel somehow like I need to change the energy of this room.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, usually when I had a break up I had to get rid of music that I couldn't listen to anymore due to it being tainted.


#104

Math242

Math242

you were in a relationship from 15 to 20. Good luck finding anything that doesnt remind you of him.


#105

Jay

Jay

Let the negative comments of the masses of the mundane fuel you!


#106



Chazwozel

:horn: Relationship from 15-20, same dude... "why would you want to put yourself through the hell that is marriage before getting married."



Marriage is like insurance, you give and give and get nothing back in return.


#107

Espy

Espy

Math242 said:
you were in a relationship from 15 to 20. Good luck finding anything that doesnt remind you of him.
Click to expand...
Come on, in almost any 5 year relationship thats going to be true.


#108

Bubble181

Bubble181

On the one hand, of course, Mathk is right - you've been in a relationship for a quarter of your life, probably more than 1/3 of your consciously remembered life. Practically anything can, and may, remind you of him.
OTOH, it seems to me you ere sort of staying together 'just because'...So perhapos the other shoe won't drop. I forget ho had a thread about a similar thing very recently (Necronic?).

Also, I redecorated completely as well. It helps. :)


#109

Bubble181

Bubble181

>_> it actually had gotten stuck....Sorry there!


#110

KCWM

KCWM

lime green walls?


#111

Math242

Math242

Espy;306631][quote=Math242 said:
you were in a relationship from 15 to 20. Good luck finding anything that doesnt remind you of him.
Click to expand...
Come on, in almost any 5 year relationship thats going to be true.[/QUOTE]

true enough but it is magnified by their age. Heh, don't get me wrong, i wish the girl the best

You know, this made me realize something... since THE breakup (ouch etc), i don't share music anymore with girls i am with. I do not tell them about the bands i like the most, i do not tell them of all the places i like to go the most.

It's like, I've been telling to myself: those memories are mine and won't be spoiled whenever the relationshit goes to shit.


#112

ElJuski

ElJuski

Yeah, the other shoe will drop eventually. And you'll probably always have a soft spot for the dude.

Girl, you know more about my ex-bawww past probably more than anyone else here (uhm, BananaHands excluded IM FUCKING WATCHING YOU ASSHOLE). It's a process, especially if it means something to you, which no doubt it will. If it doesn't, then good thing that you're rid of it all!

Change your room, hide your stuff, but keep some things to look back in the future. Those five years will be tainted with that guy, and hopefully that will lead to some nostalgia. You can still feel for the dude and be able to move on. Time will come when that time was that, uh, time.


#113

Thread Necromancer

Thread Necromancer

Wow, I'm late. Not that I had much to say that hasn't already been said.

However, I'd be wary the other shoe. And it'll likely drop when your boyfriend realizes that you are broken up. Because I would wager that at this moment he doesn't think that.

If he has in the past made a habit of ignoring you for a few days and then coming back and everything resumes to normal, expect him to be coming around soon. You may feel that you made it perfectly clear, and that you broke up with him, but I doubt he sees it and or knows it yet.

My only other advice comes from reading your recent little foray into excitement with your old friend. Which I have nothing wrong with a little excitement and a little fun. But I would recommend taking some real time before you get into a relationship, especially after ending on that has lasted for five years and most of your developing maturing.


#114

KCWM

KCWM

ElJuski said:
Yeah, the other shoe will drop eventually. And you'll probably always have a soft spot for the dude.

Girl, you know more about my ex-bawww past probably more than anyone else here (uhm, BananaHands excluded IM FUCKING WATCHING YOU ASSHOLE). It's a process, especially if it means something to you, which no doubt it will. If it doesn't, then good thing that you're rid of it all!

Change your room, hide your stuff, but keep some things to look back in the future. Those five years will be tainted with that guy, and hopefully that will lead to some nostalgia. You can still feel for the dude and be able to move on. Time will come when that time was that, uh, time.
Click to expand...
To steal a meme from another forum I post in:

HAVE SEX WITH HER!

I kid.


#115

strawman

strawman

I think you made the right decision. He hasn't changed, and he won't change. He treats you this way because it works - it gives him the results he wants.

Be super careful about entering another long term relationship in the next year or three - you may not realize or sense it, but you have long been 'trained' the act and react 'appropriately' to guys of his type. We all mold ourselves to our partners to some degree - intentionally and unintentionally - to maintain our relationship.

It takes awhile to find and get rid of bad habits, reactions, responses, tactics, etc, and cultivate those that you really want to use. You've already made steps to break out of this relationship pattern, and I doubt you'll have significant trouble making progress, but if you think critically about your interactions with others you will notice yourself doing things, for instance, that are meant to marginalize yourself and lift up the person you are interacting with.

You are a perfectly capable, intelligent, awesome person. Don't ever let anyone else - most of all yourself - tell you otherwise.

I'm tired and sick, so I can only hope the above makes sense and is inoffensive.


#116



Lally

It seems strange to say in response to such a difficult time/decision, but I'm really really happy for you. I read through the thread, planning on writing advice and a shared experience but you already made a decision. It took someone close to me ten years, two kids, and losing pretty much everything that made her an individual to come to the same decision.


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