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What are the dealbreakers for you in a relationship? As in, if someone did this one thing, it would be non-negotiable and not able to be gotten over. Also, does time spent invested in the relationship change your opinions on Any of the things you list.

Personally, I feel that almost anything can be worked through, as long as both parties are willing and it was not a long long withheld secret (for example years of cheating vs a night stand, etc)

Any and all feedback welcomed.

Children, dislike of gaming culture, dislike of horror movies, having a penis , any type of liar (I prefer 100% brutal honesty all the time as I give it), overweight to the point of being unhealthy (if I work out/eat right and keep myself in good health, then I expect the same).

I realize this sounds like a list of things I'd like in a partner but they're actually pretty much required. I've broken up with someone for having most of those qualities but failed in one. It's pretty much why I choose to be single.

what is "gaming culture"

Moderate to heavy drug/alcohol use. I don't mind a person using occasionally, but there's a point where it becomes unbearable. Also, stupidity - especially willfully so - or constantly lying.

Ok
I should clarify, you are already in a relationship with this person, so things like children, dislike of gaming, etc would not apply. Obviously those would be apparent from the beginning. I'm talking about being in a long term relationship, would there be one thing, where if done, would make the relationship beyond repair?

Might want to fix the first post too:

Deal breakers while already in a relationship:

Cheating (Not necessary as I'm fine with open relationships), Lying (Again I'm a 1 strike and you're out kind of person), Plastic Surgery to go from female to male.

Shegokigo said:

Might want to fix the first post too:

Deal breakers while already in a relationship:.

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Don't think I can as it was posted as anon. I don't think I can edit

I know this this will be probably inane but when I used to be single, my deal breaker was when a girl asked me to buy her a drink . That just turned me right off. I have no problems paying the bill but don't tell me to pay the bill.

This reminds me of a story....

Over a decade ago I was in this Club, called Extremes and I was waiting to order right as things were getting crazy. It was obvious that it would be a long wait as the barkeeps were busy. It was then that this stunning girl appeared. A cute, petite, brown haired, brown eyed girl standing next to me waiting to order as well, I took one look at her nice figure in her short dress and perfect heels and I inclined to introduce myself with a, "How's your night?".

The conversation began in the typical manner, simply relating on how frustrating it is when you spend half a night out just waiting for a drink. It then evolved into a true conversation. I spent the next twenty minutes finding out you have great taste in music, movies and literature. You laughed at my jokes and you seemed genuinely interested. Unfortunately, after we’d both finished our respective drinks but were still immersed in discussion you dropped a bomb that sent shrapnel into my heart.

“So are you gonna buy me a drink or what?”

I had been dreading this moment. I’ve learned from hard experience that any prolonged conversation with a girl at a club or a bar inevitably requires a fee of rum and coke, vodka tonic, an amaretto sour or God forbid, a cosmo. As cute as you were, I felt obligated to retain my self-respect.

“Sorry, I don’t buy girls drinks. Just kind of my policy.”

You looked at me like I told you I was going to rape your dog Russell (yes, I still remember his name). Your face morphed from a beautiful smile into a twisted caricature of shock, revulsion and utter disbelief.

“Seriously, you’re not gonna buy me a drink??? What’s your problem?”

"Sorry, no offense."

"Well if you had any chance to be with me tonight, you lost it."

OH YEAH?

YOUR TRUE FACE HAS APPEARED WOMAN.

HOW QUAINT.

MY POLICY WINS AGAIN.

Well sweetheart, let me explain to you in detail my logic regarding this decision that you found so unbelievable:

1. I’ve been going to bars for a couple of years now and I enjoy meeting people when I do. I enjoy meeting attractive girls like yourself. I have, however, learned that buying girls drinks is a sucker’s game. Yes, it has developed into sharing my bed for the night a couple times but 90% of the time, all it does is give me a higher bar tab. Now you might say I’m a prick for expecting a girl to sleep with me just because I buy her a drink. I agree an $8 cocktail does not and should not equal a sexual encounter. However, I believe spending time and money on a girl when I could be having a good night out with my friends does entitle me at least one of the following things: You reciprocating by buying me a drink, you giving me your phone number and/or going out on a date with me, where once again I will be spending time and money on you. Notice that sex is not a requirement or expectation that is coupled with any of these options. Now, of course, if I had offered to buy you a drink and you accepted, you are not obligated to any of these things. The big distinction here is that you asked me to buy you a drink and were shocked that I wouldn’t do so. This brings me to my second point.

2. You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re an attractive girl and when you go out there is no shortage of guys offering to buy you drinks. You know that they are all doing so with the hope that it will lead to sex with you. You know that it’s not going to happen but you will accept the free drinks anyway. I don’t hold this against you. If they’re dumb enough to think that buying you a drink is the key to your heart and that's their own damn fault. You’re using your god-given assets to get free alcohol, nothing wrong with that but it is precisely because I know that you do this that I will not be another douche who thinks he can get into your pants with a mixed drink. It’s insulting to my dignity as a man and your honor as a woman. How many times have I seen a girl start talking to some sap, then I saw him go to the bar while you kept yourself busy chatting with the girlfriends and bring a drink back to you only to see the second the glass was in your hand, you gave him the “Thanks for the drink, it was really nice meeting you” treatment complete with the obligatory pat on the chest. I saw the pathetic, defeated look on his face as you walked away to dance with your friends. "The Save". He will enter the next round of bar hopping a little wiser I hope.

3. You took my unwillingness to fall into such a trap as an insult. You accused me of being stuck-up. You then said that I had a chance at fucking you but that I’d ruined it by being an asshole. What exactly are you trying to tell me? That the asinine idea that getting a girl a drink will get you in her pants is actually true? That your decision of whether or not to sleep with a guy is based on him liquoring you up? We had a good conversation and maybe you were actually interested in me. But the fact that any rapport we built was destroyed when I wouldn’t buy you a gin and tonic means that I am no longer interested in you. Not all guys are desperate sperm donors. Some of us actually value a good conversation and we value girls who have enough respect for themselves that they don’t view sex as a transaction.

4. We established during our conversation that we are both broke-ass students. Why then would you expect that I, someone who shares your financial woes, would want to spend money on you, a girl I just met? I don’t believe that chivalry is dead. I’ll hold a door for you, I’ll pull out your chair or take your coat. I’ll help you change a flat tire, carry you over puddles... reset your modem. I’ll even help you move when I know you a little better. Why? Because I’m a gentleman. I will not, however, buy you a drink under the pretense that it is what a gentleman does, because I simply cannot afford it. If you want a guy who can afford to buy you whatever you want, find a fifty year-old sugar daddy.

I hope this illustrated my thought-process clearly enough. Declining to buy you a drink was in no way an insult. Your reaction, however, revealed the self-entitled, game-playing she-devil that was lurking underneath. Just after you finished your little rant on what I dick I was for not boozing you up, a group of girls emerged at the bar right behind you. Two of these girls were thin and pretty. They immediately got the attention of some bros and had free drinks within minutes. The third girl was somewhat overweight and out of place. She had a really cute face though. She had clearly spent a great deal of time and effort on her appearance but alas, she was once again forsaken by her prettier friends and left to stand by herself, looking miserable.

There were two incredible moments that filled me with an elation that could not be rivaled by the orgasm I would have had while fucking you. The first was the sincere, excited smile that the chubby girl gave me when I moved past you and asked what she wanted to drink. The second was turning back and seeing the look of horror on your face. Your pathetic “have fun with the fatty” remark as you walked away was priceless. I may be broke but I was willing to go into the red to make this girl’s night and to piss you off. I’m sure as soon as you left you got plenty of free drinks and plenty of idiots drooling over you. I just hope that I got under your skin enough to prevent any enjoyment of those things. I had a great night and I then introduced the big girl to an open-minded acquaintance and an hour later then took off to go "to another party".

Later that night I crawled into my lonely bed, comforted by the fact that I have retained my self-respect. Having encountered more than a few spoiled bimbos, I infer that sex with you would have consisted of you lying on your back expecting me to be so grateful that I’m seeing your “hot” naked bod makes up for the fact that you are putting absolutely no effort into this sexual experience.

The moral: Ladies, accept drinks if they are offered. Do not expect them. And if you’re feeling particularly wild on a given night, offer to buy the guy a drink. He will be instantly smitten.

About half of these were lessons I learned in my last relationship that would give me a good idea to jump ship if they come up again.

-Smoking. The smell reminds me of my grandma who smoked like a chimney. When she visited, she'd get my room while I slept on the couch, and when she left and I got my room back it would be reeking for days. Instant turn-off.

-"I don't like to read." My ex actually kept asking me to define words for her -- common words that I would assume anyone at an 8th grade reading level would know. It was a huge put-off. Not to mention an entire branch of possible conversation was inherently shut off with her.

-One thing from my last relationship that I didn't expect to bother me so much but did - a few days after we started dating, she went through my facebook and added half my family members, before I had even introduced her to any of them. This really creeped me out.

-Over-defensiveness. If I start to feel like I have to filter myself around you as to avoid offending you, it's not going to work.

-Any form of lying or cheating. If you can't even tell me you're not getting what you need from the relationship before it turns into a problem, it's obvious the relationship is already dead.

-Holier-than-thouedness - I don't mind if she's christian, atheist, catholic, jewish, muslim, or wiccan. Getting up in other people's grill for having the "wrong" spiritual beliefs because someone doesn't believe the same things she believes is just plain rude.

This is harder to think about than I thought.

There are a few things I learned that turned me off.

-Temper: A really hot temper. I hadn't ever dated a girl like my ex in Tianjin. She had a fire-breathing temper that I could use for..wait for it..tempering steel. I learned to hate it so much that I avoided "Dragon Ladies" at all costs. A little temper is fine, and everyone gets mad, but there IS a line that some people cross and I've experienced it too many times.

-Smoking...to a point: This one is weird for me. I never smoked before China. And I still really don't. When I drink, I've been known to try one or two, but I never buy them myself or have them at home, or smoke anywhere beyond a bar. Full time smokers I couldn't probably stand to date and I know that kind of influence would probably have me following along.

-Lack of Music appreciation: I like to sing, I like to listen to music of all kinds. I use to play music myself. It's a big part of my day to day life. Dating someone who didn't care for or had little appreciation of music has became important enough that I'm currently dating a classically trained composer--can't get better than that.

-An inability to understand that we all have different hobbies: I like to read, I like to play games or do other things once in a while. If my significant other can't accept that, we're going to have a problem. My girlfriend likes to sit down and write music for several hours a day. I don't know how she does it, but it's her 'thing'. I like to curl up with a book or hop on the computer for an hour or two and she generally leaves me alone. Nothing but harmony.

An insatiable need to spend my money: I get it. We all want to buy nice things for our significant others. However when it becomes a demand, I have a problem， especially if refusal means a fight. I like to take people out to dinner, and I like to buy gifts. However I like certain things to be for an occasion or as a "thank you" for something. I am not my girlfriend's ATM and I will refuse to be treated as such.

That's what marriage is for.

Pretty much the usual-
lying,
cheating,
any interest whatsoever in poly,
certain fetishes im not going into,
smoking definitely blech,
someone who is not content to stay home on most friday nights isn't going to work well with me,
being a conservative,

racism, homophobia and cruelty to animals. serious serious deal breakers.

turn offs:
...relationships...

my life summed up in meme faces.

Jay said:

Having encountered more than a few spoiled bimbos, I infer that sex with you would have consisted of you lying on your back expecting me to be so grateful that I’m seeing your “hot” naked bod makes up for the fact that you are putting absolutely no effort into this sexual experience.

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Good gods, I hate that.

The only person who didn't get it?

Charlie.

The humor speaks for itself.

let me ask if you've heard of a little subreddit called Men's Rights..........

OP here. Ok, maybe I'm not asking this is the right way. So let me try to make the question a bit clearer...

Setting:
You are in a committed relationship with someone. They do not exhibit behavior that displeases you, hence the longevity so far in the relationship. One day, your significant other does something very upsetting (insert upsetting thing here. For example a one night stand, snooping in your cellphone, getting arrested for a DUI one isolated incident). Given your good history and specifically if your partner comes clean about it, would you be willing to forgive them? If not, what particular offenses would be unforgiveable in your eyes.

Ok, now go....

Yeah, guys, men aren't allowed to be dissatisfied with or have a negative opinion of any vagina-equipped human, ever!

Anon said:

OP here. Ok, maybe I'm not asking this is the right way. So let me try to make the question a bit clearer...

Setting:
You are in a committed relationship with someone. They do not exhibit behavior that displeases you, hence the longevity so far in the relationship. One day, your significant other does something very upsetting (insert upsetting thing here. For example a one night stand, snooping in your cellphone, getting arrested for a DUI one isolated incident). Given your good history and specifically if your partner comes clean about it, would you be willing to forgive them? If not, what particular offenses would be unforgiveable in your eyes.

Ok, now go....

Click to expand...

Unforgivable:
-She murders somebody
-She gets jealous of a female friend and tells me I have to choose between that person or her. I would choose the friend without hesitation.
-Cheating or lying
-She commits pedophilia or bestiality
-She becomes a Twihard

David said:

Yeah, guys, men aren't allowed to be dissatisfied with or have a negative opinion of any vagina-equipped human, ever!

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firstly, I didn't say that

secondly, it's kind of insensitive to equate vagina with being a girl/woman

Charlie Don't Surf said:

secondly, it's kind of insensitive to equate vagina with being a girl/woman

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Okay, fine, girls/women = penis.

But one of these days, Charlie, you need to stop hating vaginas.

I'm just saying there are people that identify as women and are women that don't have vaginas

How Charlie sees himself:



How we see him:

there is no one on this forum with whom I remotely want to have sex

/wounded

Charlie Don't Surf said:

there is no one on this forum with whom I remotely want to have sex

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That's what she said.

Charlie Don't Surf said:

there is no one on this forum with whom I remotely want to have sex

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Which wasn't remotely the point of his post. Also way to inadvertently compliment every woman on here.

I was just trying to point out how a transsexual woman could feel awful as a result of that post

dunno why I bother

We have one on the board, she constantly tells you that you're nuts.

Saying "lol" in real life instead of laughing.

Vaginas are awesome just putting that out there....

Except when they get infections.

Don't blame a vagina for the misdeeds of a bad vagina owner!

makare said:

Don't blame a vagina for the misdeeds of a bad vagina owner!

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Hey, hey, hey. It's well cared for. It gets cleaned. Pampered.

But every now and then it's just like 'FUCK YOU!'

Ummmm... yeah

I live to serve.

Charlie Don't Surf said:

I was just trying to point out how a transsexual woman could feel awful as a result of that post

dunno why I bother

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You worry way too much about how people who are not you will react.

Ravenpoe said:

You worry way too much about how people who are not you will react.

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This is assuming that Charlie is not a transsexual woman. I am going to need some definitive evidence.

Charlie Don't Surf said:

I was just trying to point out how a transsexual woman could feel awful as a result of that post

dunno why I bother

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What the fuck is wrong with you?

I haven't had enough dating experience to have a definite list, but one thing I know is on my list:
- Breaking up with me. I've done the on-again-off-again thing, and I'm never doing it again.

And in this episode, a thread goes horribly, horribly awry.

I'm in a relationship. What would make me pack up and leave? Not much. But cheating is at the top of the list. I've never cheated and wouldn't. And the trust that would go away would kill everything.

Oh, you're going out with some friends? Have fun while I sit here and worry/wonder what you are doing.
You're at work? Wonder who you are talking to or going out to lunch with.

Just the worrying and constantly wondering what's happening would kill everything. I know some people get over it but I don't know that I would.

Amorous Eyes said:

I'm still horrible confused what I am supposed to feel awful over. Someone enlighten me?

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Nothing. Nothing offensive was said. But Charlie dies not have your frame of reference, so assumes that any transgendered person would be so hurt by that comment, and only he has the power to protect them.

Added Note: Amorous Eyes would be the one exception to my rule

Ravenpoe said:

Nothing. Nothing offensive was said. But Charlie dies not have your frame of reference, so assumes that any transgendered person would be so hurt by that comment, and only he has the power to protect them.

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by the power of grayskull?

No exclusions were intended, I was trying to emphasis "human beings - who happen to be female." I would have been happy to word it differently if I was thinking it might be taken any other way.

Amorous Eyes said:

Zero offenses were taken that day.

Or.. Well.. _I_ want offended at least.

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You don't need to be. No one need ever be offended again, because Charlie will be there to be offended for them.

Someone was singing rap and said the N word, even though they didn't mean anything behind it they were just singing? Charlie will be offended.

Are you a woman and a man dared talk to you in some way? Charlie will be offended

Was your group of people not included in some kind of survey or other bullshit thing that doesn't matter at all (I'm looking at you, pygmies [pygmican americans?]) ? Charlie will build you a banner and then rally to it. Hell he might start an online petition for you.

He's not the hero we deserve. Or need. Or want. He is a loud and bothersome protector. A white knight.

Directed by Michael Bay because Fuck You.

Amorous Eyes said:

Zero offenses were taken that day.

Or.. Well.. _I_ want offended at least.

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you wanted to be offended? or am I stupid and that was a typo for wasn't?

just want to lol at the mere mention of/r/mensrights.

I think everything on my list of unforgiveable offenses could be summed up as, "That point where you decided to go, 'Me, me, me!' instead of 'Us.'" Finances, property, kids, sex, whatever it might be...when you decide that your own selfish desires trump the happiness/survival of the family or any of its members (including me), then that's the point where I decide you're not worth (any more of) my time.

--Patrick

During a relationship: "Love" before six months.

Before a relationship: Inability to go a weekend sober.

Also, my new sig is what my response was to a girl dropping the "L-Bomb" four months in.

Maybe she was talking to the puppet.

Deal Breakers = Justifications to weasel out of a relationship due to one's fear of commitment.

what if you just don't want to commit to someone who has revealed him/herself to be someone with a high potential of sucking?

sixpackshaker said:

Deal Breakers = Justifications to weasel out of a relationship due to one's fear of commitment.

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Oh, come on. Even the love thing? That's heavy shit when it's early on.

My idea of a perfect relationship is two people who get along well enough and at the end of the day they roll around in sheets and make funny faces at eachother. Not just mucking it up with 'awmahgod i luv u' and the slow depletion of personal identity.

makare said:

what if you just don't want to commit to someone who has revealed him/herself to be someone with a high potential of sucking?

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Everybody sucks.

makare said:

be someone with a high potential of sucking?

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Too easy.

More than 100 text messages while you know (because I tell you) I'm at work, before we've been out more than twice.

Telling me about your dream where my family wanted you to have a steinman of kids, when we haven't even gotten to second base.

Calling me repeatedly while I'm at work because of an imaginary stalker you swear is hiding under your car.

Calling me every five minutes, starting the minute you think I'll be home from work.

Null said:

Telling me about your dream where my family wanted you to have a steinman of kids, when we haven't even gotten to second base.

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This is my new favorite unit of measure.

I look to see how they treat waiters, bartenders, cashiers, and the like. Those are people who are not allowed to talk back or stand up for themselves. If my SO is rude or condescending towards them I'm gone.

Well, yeah, of course cheating is a dealbreaker for just about everybody I suppose. But that's just self interest, really. After all, there are plenty of people who sleep with someone who's already married, maybe even go on to form a relationship with them, but for some reason they're not worried about the cheater then cheating on them.

As for saying "love" too early, I think that's entirely subjective. I knew my woman was the girl for me within 3 months of meeting her. She took a little longer to come around, though.

And I've known people who thought if you'd been dating for a year and weren't getting married, it was time to cut bait and move on. But Bananahands might think that was psycho talk.

Man I'm on like year 5 right now, but we broke up for a year of that so I feel like the clock started over somewhat, which puts us a little under 2 years. She does not agree with this system. Edit: Although I do have the ring now....

Anyways, I can't really think of stuff for when you're in a relationship other than cheating or selfishness, but I acn think of a ton for early dating:

-Racism : Complete no-go.....depending on the race (Klingons are filthy savages.)

-Littering: It seems like a small thing but it makes my skin crawl so much

-Not liking my friends: If you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends (thta doesn't mean you sleep with them.)

-Not respecting my hobbies: I don't expect a woman I date to be a gamer or to be into Star Trek. It's superficial stuff that doesn't really affect the relationship. But they need to understand that even if they aren't into it, I am.

-Clingy: I needs ma personal space

-Doesn't eat a bowl of cereal while driving a moving vehicle: I actually did not call a date back after hearing that she does that on a daily basis. Just too stupid to live.

sixpackshaker said:

-Doesn't eat a bowl of cereal while driving a moving vehicle: I actually did not call a date back after hearing that she does that on a daily basis. Just too stupid to live.

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1.Marry
2.Life Insurance
3.???
4.Profit

LordRendar said:

1.Marry
2.Life Insurance
3.???
4.Profit

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I knew I should have a mercenary heart.

Biggest Dealbreakers for me?

- Smoking. Second hand smoke really messes up my lungs. I simply can't be around people when they are smoking or done it in the last few minutes.

- Not telling me what they want. I am not a mind reader: if there is a problem, tell me what is wrong. That's how you solve problems.

- Not understanding/tolerating my hobbies. Gaming is important to me. It's been in my life long before I met you. I have cultivated friendships with it that have lasted years. I'm not giving it or them up just because you want more attention. I'll certainly cut back a bit, but I will not just stop.

Also, Amorous Eyes, I would just like to say how much I love the word neovagina. I immediately imagined a scientist running out of their lab shouting "I have done it! I have crafted the ultimate vagina... WITH SCIENCE!".

With a long term SO? Cheating, smoking, excessive drug use, and treating others like crap even though I am treated well. When I see people like this I think, "It's just a matter of time til you treat me like that as well." There might be more, but that's what leaps to mind.

I forgot about smoking. I've dated girls who smoke, but the ashtray taste ruins any kiss.

Yeah, and it's not just the smell. Being around it makes me feel ill and brings back memories of my grandpa. I don't want to watch anyone I love go out that way ever again.

Good point. Any interest I might have in a girl evaporates the instant she lights up.

More of a three strikes thing for me, but eventually, dealbreaker: Mind games.

Don't say you want nothing if you actually want something. Don't give me permission to do something just to test if I'll guess you actually don't want me doing it. If you want to play mind games, break out a deck of Munchkin, but don't fuck around with our relationship.