GasBandit
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  • If you're naked on your front porch, and the neighbors can't see you, it's Rural.
    If you're naked on your front porch, and the neighbors call the cops, it's Suburban.
    If you're naked on your front porch, and the neighbors ignore you, it's Urban.
    If you're naked on your front porch, and your neighbor is also naked on his front porch, it's Florida.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    If you and your neighbors are naked together on your front porch, it's a commune.
    Maybe people who meditate for an hour a day are happier because they live a life that affords them spare time in which they could choose to meditate
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Ah, the "Horse girl" subset of "correlation != causation" that says, "A person who keeps a horse tends to be happier/healthier" ... cuz they are a person who can afford to keep a horse, obvs. This is why rich folk tend to be healthier and more fit...because they don't have ten tons of stress crushing them, duh.
    We seldom admit the seductive comfort of hopelessness. It saves us from ambiguity. It has an answer for every question: "There's just no point." Hope, on the other hand, is messy. If it might all work out, then we have things to do. We must weather the possibility of happiness. - CryptoNaturalist
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    AKA "Nothing good is ever easy."
    Bon Jovi is just Zeno's Paradox in a denim jacket
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    He gives love a Bad (Bad (Bad (Bad...) Name) Name) Name)
    General Specific
    General Specific
    An infinite number of Bon Jovis walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders 1/2 a beer, the third orders 1/4 of a beer, the fourth orders 1/8th of a beer, the fifth one orders 1/16 of a beer, and the bartender just sighs and pours two beers.
    Piracy can't be stealing if buying it isn't owning it.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    If what you're pirating is something that's not actually for sale anywhere in the world, are they really losing income?
    Frank
    Frank
    Here this a lot lately. Fuuuuucking true.
    How old were you when you realized "this little piggy went to market" did not mean he went shopping?
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    How old were you when you stopped giggling at going "'Wee wee wee!' all the way home" and pretending it meant he was peeing the whole way?
    So many homophobes turn out to secretly be gay that I'm worried I'm actually a cell phone battery on single digit percentage charge level
    • Funny
    Reactions: Bubble181
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    More likely a cell phone battery that's degraded below 80% FCC. You think you're charging to 100%, but it's actually 78% of what it used to be...and falling.
    Good Morning. God has allowed me to live another day, and I'm about to make it everyone's problem.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    If you don't, God will make you live another day.
    And another,
    and another...

    ...I think there was a movie about this, wasn't there?
    Ladies, don't be embarrassed by the quantity of guys you have slept with - just the quality.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Don't be embarrassed by the quantity of ladies you've slept with either, I guess.
    Sorry, I can't do stuff tonight, I have to sit in front of a TV show I'm not watching while I refresh the same 3 websites, scraping for fresh content like an addict licking the inside of a plastic baggie that has been empty for days
    Statistically speaking, if you make it to the airport, you're already through the deadliest part of airline travel.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    ...depending on where you're flying TO, of course.
    Waiting for election results is like waiting to hear your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I'm worried the people around me fucked up.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    *too many of the people around me
    Internet friends are so weird. I know your deepest trauma but I've never seen your legs.
    It's only sodomy if it's from the Sodom and Gomorrah area of Mesopotamia. Otherwise it's just sparkling butt stuff.
    Thank you for contacting The Abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Due to high demand, we are experiencing longer than normal wait times. Please hold and the next available representative will be with you shortly.
    <Orff's Carmina Burana starts playing>
    Men: Vaginas with teeth is a terrifying concept. Also men: Boy I love getting blowjobs
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Also also men: "Watch while I stick my head into this alligator's mouth!"
    Job requirements be like "we need a virgin with 12 years experience with sex"
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    "The ideal candidate eschews promiscuity, and can confirm via 10-20 personal references."
    It's bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to refer to it as "The Scottish Laptop"
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    It's also bad luck to be seen using a MacBook in an office, since even the most recent one is only Kaby Lake, tech from all the way back in 2016.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    MacBook isn't Scottish, it's crap!
    Not to slut shame, but you all could be much sluttier if you'd actually put in the effort. Come on, step it up.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    You don't pay me enough for me to put in the effort.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Perhaps your sluts would be willing to slut harder for you if you did not shame them so much.
    Happy 3:16! Remember, God so loved the world that He sent Himself to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save humanity from the torment He said we deserve for breaking rules He designed while knowing completely that we were incapable of following them to His satisfaction.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    And blow them into tiny bits, in Thy mercy...
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    You know, it occurred to me this could also be construed as, "You all better behave yourselves, or else I will kill Myself. I SWEAR TO ME I'LL DO IT DON'T PUSH ME."
    Look, all I'm saying is, every single person who confuses correlation with causation ends up dying.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    True but i haven't died yet, so I'm clearly not going to.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    As do the people who don't!
    ...wait.
    If you're looking for some life lessons, here's a place to start: You will never be unhappy that you didn't trust a fart.
    Maybe the reason so many guys have foot fetishes is because they lost their virginity to a sock.
    Times are tough, so I will be once again selling nudes. $5 to get one. $25 to not get one.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    How much to have one sent to other people?
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Do you have a Patreon?
    Twitter is where people who don't read books go to argue with the authors who wrote them.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Hey! That's not what I told them you said. Do it the right way next time!
    Y'all don't know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    On the plus side, the odds were higher the other person hadn't heard it yet.
    When I die, I'll be going to hell. If not to be punished, then probably to be someone else's punishment.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    You left out a third option, which is "to be an example for others." Or maybe "to teach," the prophecy is unclear on this point.
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