GasBandit
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  • Statistically speaking, if you make it to the airport, you're already through the deadliest part of airline travel.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    ...depending on where you're flying TO, of course.
    Waiting for election results is like waiting to hear your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I'm worried the people around me fucked up.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    *too many of the people around me
    Internet friends are so weird. I know your deepest trauma but I've never seen your legs.
    It's only sodomy if it's from the Sodom and Gomorrah area of Mesopotamia. Otherwise it's just sparkling butt stuff.
    Thank you for contacting The Abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Due to high demand, we are experiencing longer than normal wait times. Please hold and the next available representative will be with you shortly.
    <Orff's Carmina Burana starts playing>
    Men: Vaginas with teeth is a terrifying concept. Also men: Boy I love getting blowjobs
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Also also men: "Watch while I stick my head into this alligator's mouth!"
    Job requirements be like "we need a virgin with 12 years experience with sex"
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    "The ideal candidate eschews promiscuity, and can confirm via 10-20 personal references."
    It's bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to refer to it as "The Scottish Laptop"
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    It's also bad luck to be seen using a MacBook in an office, since even the most recent one is only Kaby Lake, tech from all the way back in 2016.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    MacBook isn't Scottish, it's crap!
    Not to slut shame, but you all could be much sluttier if you'd actually put in the effort. Come on, step it up.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    You don't pay me enough for me to put in the effort.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Perhaps your sluts would be willing to slut harder for you if you did not shame them so much.
    Happy 3:16! Remember, God so loved the world that He sent Himself to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save humanity from the torment He said we deserve for breaking rules He designed while knowing completely that we were incapable of following them to His satisfaction.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    And blow them into tiny bits, in Thy mercy...
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    You know, it occurred to me this could also be construed as, "You all better behave yourselves, or else I will kill Myself. I SWEAR TO ME I'LL DO IT DON'T PUSH ME."
    Look, all I'm saying is, every single person who confuses correlation with causation ends up dying.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    True but i haven't died yet, so I'm clearly not going to.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    As do the people who don't!
    ...wait.
    If you're looking for some life lessons, here's a place to start: You will never be unhappy that you didn't trust a fart.
    Maybe the reason so many guys have foot fetishes is because they lost their virginity to a sock.
    Times are tough, so I will be once again selling nudes. $5 to get one. $25 to not get one.
    mikerc
    mikerc
    How much to have one sent to other people?
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Do you have a Patreon?
    Twitter is where people who don't read books go to argue with the authors who wrote them.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Hey! That's not what I told them you said. Do it the right way next time!
    Y'all don't know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    On the plus side, the odds were higher the other person hadn't heard it yet.
    When I die, I'll be going to hell. If not to be punished, then probably to be someone else's punishment.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    You left out a third option, which is "to be an example for others." Or maybe "to teach," the prophecy is unclear on this point.
    Nobody digs a well at the top of a hill. WTF were Jack and Jill doing up there...?
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Considering that older versions tell the story of Jack and "Gill" (i.e., of two boys getting water), what were they doing, indeed?
    mikerc
    mikerc
    Always dig your well uphill from the outhouse.
    Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your facebook will do.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Their free premium must've put them over their data cap during the quarantine.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Also shouldn't this be, "...your MOM'S Facebook...?"
    To this day, I'm still disgruntled that I was forced to learn to write in cursive as a child. It has literally never been useful.
    Dei
    Dei
    Cursive exists so old people can complain that kids don't learn it anymore.
    fade
    fade
    I have to keep detailed journals of my work as a researcher. I write in cursive all the time. Print would be too slow. I use multiple pen colors, too, just to really old school it. I like to imagine some video game protagonist will pick up one of my notebooks one day and somehow thumb through 100 pages to the exact passage that hints at how to solve my intricate death traps, despite no interaction from the user.
    fade
    fade
    Uh, I mean "fun traps", FBI.
    20 years ago, people escaped from the real world into the internet. Now people escape from the internet into the real world.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Twenty-SIX years ago, they were escaping from the movie theater into the real world. Coming from the Internet was just the next logical step.
    It's so vulgar and unintellectual to call it "cum." Instead, call it high fructose porn syrup.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Or you could call it "bi-bro thigh's bae protein isolate" but that might be *too* intellectual.
    Of all the bodily functions that COULD have been contagious, we are lucky it turned out to be yawning.
    Brushing your teeth is the only time you ever clean your skeleton.
    PatrThom
    PatrThom
    Kissing is the only time your skeleton normally touches someone else's, and you do NOT get extra points for finding new ways to do so.
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