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Dog dilemma
#1
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I'm having an issue I know many of you will not agree with. I have had and loved dogs my entire life. Last June, we adopted a dog. I'm going to come right out and say it. I would very much like to give up this dog. We adopted her from a no-kill shelter who has a policy that they will always accept an adopted dog back.
Why, you ask? Lots of reasons. For one, I have never had a dog like this one. No training seems to really stick. She's bad about jumping up and putting her teeth on people, especially guests. She has hurt some fortunately forgiving guests. We have asked for advice and faithfully tried all of it, but nothing works. What's more, my wife and I work, and my kids have so many after school activities. So she spends a lot of time in a crate (which I think is cruel). I've tried leaving her to roam in the house, but she is very destructive. Finally, my kids begged for this dog, but most of the time they just ignore her and I'm left doing everything. Oh, and PS my wife has taken this really weird stance of complete non interaction with the dog since before we got it. She said she wanted nothing to do with a dog, and she has stuck rigidly to that policy, virtually pretending like the dog doesn't exist.
I feel really guilty about wanting to give this dog up. I've brought it up with my kids. My son doesn't care, but my daughter cries, even though she tends to avoid the dog and lock her out of her room. I ain't getting out of this without being the bad guy if I do take her back.
Not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe just ears to listen. The whole situation sucks because I am a dog lover, but the conjunction of this busy time in our lives and this dog's behavior make it really difficult to live with her.
Why, you ask? Lots of reasons. For one, I have never had a dog like this one. No training seems to really stick. She's bad about jumping up and putting her teeth on people, especially guests. She has hurt some fortunately forgiving guests. We have asked for advice and faithfully tried all of it, but nothing works. What's more, my wife and I work, and my kids have so many after school activities. So she spends a lot of time in a crate (which I think is cruel). I've tried leaving her to roam in the house, but she is very destructive. Finally, my kids begged for this dog, but most of the time they just ignore her and I'm left doing everything. Oh, and PS my wife has taken this really weird stance of complete non interaction with the dog since before we got it. She said she wanted nothing to do with a dog, and she has stuck rigidly to that policy, virtually pretending like the dog doesn't exist.
I feel really guilty about wanting to give this dog up. I've brought it up with my kids. My son doesn't care, but my daughter cries, even though she tends to avoid the dog and lock her out of her room. I ain't getting out of this without being the bad guy if I do take her back.
Not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe just ears to listen. The whole situation sucks because I am a dog lover, but the conjunction of this busy time in our lives and this dog's behavior make it really difficult to live with her.
#2
Denbrought
Denbrought
I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like either the dog or your family are getting much out of the relationship. If it's actually a no-kill shelter (and not just a not-much-kill shelter that advertises otherwise) then I don't see the downside to hopefully getting it rehomed to more compatible owners.
If you want to assuage any guilt, can you afford a corresponding donation to help take care of it and other animals? Ask the shelter what sort of per/animal funding they need/get.
If you want to assuage any guilt, can you afford a corresponding donation to help take care of it and other animals? Ask the shelter what sort of per/animal funding they need/get.
#3
blotsfan
blotsfan
"Sorry kids, but mom won't put in the help needed to keep the dog."
#4
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I would definitely have a new use for the newly freed doghouse."Sorry kids, but mom won't put in the help needed to keep the dog."
#5
Dave
Dave
What breed is the dog? Sounds a lot like our new dog who is an Australian Shepherd. VERY high energy, VERY willful, and VERY difficult. I can tell you that having a dog like this it has to be a perfect fit or it's going to be bad for everyone.
#6
Celt Z
Celt Z
Some people's lives are not compatible with the needs of a dog. Just from the sound of it, she probably needs more exercise and stimulation than she's getting. If it's a family pet, then there probably should have been a chore chart and/or a walk chart to make sure everyone that wanted the dog was pitching in.
I know you've said you've taken advice, but have you taken her to any formal obedience classes? Maybe she needs a little TLC with someone that has a lot of experience with hard-to-train dogs? I feel bad because it sucks to have to rehome a dog, thought ideally pets should be in a loving home where their needs are being met. I don't know if there is a good answer, but aside from rehoming, anything else is going to require more work from you and your family.
I know you've said you've taken advice, but have you taken her to any formal obedience classes? Maybe she needs a little TLC with someone that has a lot of experience with hard-to-train dogs? I feel bad because it sucks to have to rehome a dog, thought ideally pets should be in a loving home where their needs are being met. I don't know if there is a good answer, but aside from rehoming, anything else is going to require more work from you and your family.
#7
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I mean sure, I could probably take her to a formal trainer, but that is part of the issue. I've never had a dog who had behavior issues that needed formal addressing.
But that aside, there's still the issue of time. To me that's the bigger issue. We tried making chore lists for the dog, but the kids get home by themselves, and it's hard to enforce it. Eventually, it goes right back to the old way. She's still in the crate all day, which to me is one of the biggest things to deal with. Plus there's the deal with my wife not wanting anything to do with the dog.
But that aside, there's still the issue of time. To me that's the bigger issue. We tried making chore lists for the dog, but the kids get home by themselves, and it's hard to enforce it. Eventually, it goes right back to the old way. She's still in the crate all day, which to me is one of the biggest things to deal with. Plus there's the deal with my wife not wanting anything to do with the dog.
#8
Dave
Dave
Take her back. She deserves to be happy, too.
#9
MindDetective
MindDetective
Take the dog back. Be the bad guy.
#10
GasBandit
GasBandit
I love dogs. I hate to say it, but take it back. Or find it another home yourself.
#11
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I don't want to make it sound like the dog is unhappy. To be clear, I live near work and come home to take her out at midday. The kids do show her love but only in doses. She gets everything she needs, it's just more about how the lives all fit together.
#12
Terrik
Terrik
Agreed. I'd take her back too, or find someone else to take care of her.
#13
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I think like my usual advice threads I may have expressed a picture that is far grimmer than reality from the definitive reactions. I think something is coming across differently than intended.
#14
MindDetective
MindDetective
That is probably true. What is working in the family/dog relationship?I think like my usual advice threads I may have expressed a picture that is far grimmer than reality from the definitive reactions. I think something is coming across differently than intended.
#15
Gruebeard
Gruebeard
You've said you want to take the dog back to the shelter. Now that we're encouraging you to do so, are you gonna push back against the idea just because you think you've overstated the problem?I think like my usual advice threads I may have expressed a picture that is far grimmer than reality from the definitive reactions. I think something is coming across differently than intended.
#16
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Yeah, the dog spends time in the crate, but not any more than is usual for a <1yr old puppy, and I do come home at lunch and let her run. Kids let her out at 3, and she's out for the rest of the day.
The kids ignore her a lot. But they also so her a lot of attention at times. If I'm objective, again this isn't that unusual. They're kids. There's old advice that if your kids wants a dog you need to ask yourself if you want a dog for exactly this reason.
The dog has some behavioral issues which I'm having difficulty training her out of. But she's still young, and I still haven't tried getting her professional help beyond verbal advice.
The stuff about my wife--well that's true. I think that's weird, but that's her choice.
When it comes down to it, as much as I love dogs, this is mostly about me, if I'm honest. I don't have the time, energy, or emotional budget for one right now. This has a lot to do with the stress of this industry at the moment and personal depression problems. I feel really guilty about thinking this way, especially considering how much of my life has been happily spent with dogs. Part of it has to do with an incompatibility with this dog's personality. Maybe it's just puppyhood, but I've had puppies before. I feel guilty because this feels selfish, and I know my kids would hate me taking her back. But I do the lion's share of the work, and frankly I don't want to right now.
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That's the gist of it, yes. I kind of expected you guys to go, "no, you're nuts as usual, fade!"[DOUBLEPOST=1517604819,1517604281][/DOUBLEPOST]Here, let me take a second whack at it, with some self-critique. I've vacillated on this enough to know both sides.You've said you want to take the dog back to the shelter. Now that we're encouraging you to do so, are you gonna push back against the idea just because you think you've overstated the problem?
Yeah, the dog spends time in the crate, but not any more than is usual for a <1yr old puppy, and I do come home at lunch and let her run. Kids let her out at 3, and she's out for the rest of the day.
The kids ignore her a lot. But they also so her a lot of attention at times. If I'm objective, again this isn't that unusual. They're kids. There's old advice that if your kids wants a dog you need to ask yourself if you want a dog for exactly this reason.
The dog has some behavioral issues which I'm having difficulty training her out of. But she's still young, and I still haven't tried getting her professional help beyond verbal advice.
The stuff about my wife--well that's true. I think that's weird, but that's her choice.
When it comes down to it, as much as I love dogs, this is mostly about me, if I'm honest. I don't have the time, energy, or emotional budget for one right now. This has a lot to do with the stress of this industry at the moment and personal depression problems. I feel really guilty about thinking this way, especially considering how much of my life has been happily spent with dogs. Part of it has to do with an incompatibility with this dog's personality. Maybe it's just puppyhood, but I've had puppies before. I feel guilty because this feels selfish, and I know my kids would hate me taking her back. But I do the lion's share of the work, and frankly I don't want to right now.
#17
Gruebeard
Gruebeard
Well then, my suggestion is to kick the dog in the head a few times.
(This horribly lousy joke brought to you on the day my bartender is sad because she had to put down her beloved pet.)
(This horribly lousy joke brought to you on the day my bartender is sad because she had to put down her beloved pet.)
#18
MindDetective
A puppy is definitely a handful. I figured the dog was older than a year but if that is not the case, I think you should do a training class...and your daughter should go too. Don't be snobby about not getting the training figured out yourself. That takes time and mental budget. A professional takes a lot of that off your plate.
MindDetective
Do you jog or bike or anything? I wonder if the dog would be welcome to come and burn off some energy with you. just a random thought. Focus your answer more on the next part:That's the gist of it, yes. I kind of expected you guys to go, "no, you're nuts as usual, fade!"[DOUBLEPOST=1517604819,1517604281][/DOUBLEPOST]Here, let me take a second whack at it, with some self-critique. I've vacillated on this enough to know both sides.
Yeah, the dog spends time in the crate, but not any more than is usual for a <1yr old puppy, and I do come home at lunch and let her run. Kids let her out at 3, and she's out for the rest of the day.
The kids ignore her a lot. But they also so her a lot of attention at times. If I'm objective, again this isn't that unusual. They're kids. There's old advice that if your kids wants a dog you need to ask yourself if you want a dog for exactly this reason.
The dog has some behavioral issues which I'm having difficulty training her out of. But she's still young, and I still haven't tried getting her professional help beyond verbal advice.
The stuff about my wife--well that's true. I think that's weird, but that's her choice.
When it comes down to it, as much as I love dogs, this is mostly about me, if I'm honest. I don't have the time, energy, or emotional budget for one right now. This has a lot to do with the stress of this industry at the moment and personal depression problems. I feel really guilty about thinking this way, especially considering how much of my life has been happily spent with dogs. Part of it has to do with an incompatibility with this dog's personality. Maybe it's just puppyhood, but I've had puppies before. I feel guilty because this feels selfish, and I know my kids would hate me taking her back. But I do the lion's share of the work, and frankly I don't want to right now.
A puppy is definitely a handful. I figured the dog was older than a year but if that is not the case, I think you should do a training class...and your daughter should go too. Don't be snobby about not getting the training figured out yourself. That takes time and mental budget. A professional takes a lot of that off your plate.
#19
Dei
Dei
If you are still wavering between one side or the other, I would try obedience classes before making a final decision. Make sure to bring the kids to class as well when possible, so that they can see how the dog is being trained, and they don't accidentally undermine what the puppy is learning.That's the gist of it, yes. I kind of expected you guys to go, "no, you're nuts as usual, fade!"[DOUBLEPOST=1517604819,1517604281][/DOUBLEPOST]Here, let me take a second whack at it, with some self-critique. I've vacillated on this enough to know both sides.
Yeah, the dog spends time in the crate, but not any more than is usual for a <1yr old puppy, and I do come home at lunch and let her run. Kids let her out at 3, and she's out for the rest of the day.
The kids ignore her a lot. But they also so her a lot of attention at times. If I'm objective, again this isn't that unusual. They're kids. There's old advice that if your kids wants a dog you need to ask yourself if you want a dog for exactly this reason.
The dog has some behavioral issues which I'm having difficulty training her out of. But she's still young, and I still haven't tried getting her professional help beyond verbal advice.
The stuff about my wife--well that's true. I think that's weird, but that's her choice.
When it comes down to it, as much as I love dogs, this is mostly about me, if I'm honest. I don't have the time, energy, or emotional budget for one right now. This has a lot to do with the stress of this industry at the moment and personal depression problems. I feel really guilty about thinking this way, especially considering how much of my life has been happily spent with dogs. Part of it has to do with an incompatibility with this dog's personality. Maybe it's just puppyhood, but I've had puppies before. I feel guilty because this feels selfish, and I know my kids would hate me taking her back. But I do the lion's share of the work, and frankly I don't want to right now.
#20
Denbrought
Denbrought
How old are your kids? Can you have a frank conversation with them where you're a human instead of Dad™? If having the dog with how you are is not sustainable, then either they step up their responsibilities semi-permanently or they make the decision to take it back. Bit of a false dichotomy maybe, but dad's get to spring those ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Maybe introduce them to spoon theory, because it sounds like you're short on cutlery due to the depression and stress, and it's an easy concept to digest IME. The puppy taxes the household N spoons, you can only spare N/x, the kids must either contribute (N-N/x) or else.
Maybe introduce them to spoon theory, because it sounds like you're short on cutlery due to the depression and stress, and it's an easy concept to digest IME. The puppy taxes the household N spoons, you can only spare N/x, the kids must either contribute (N-N/x) or else.
#21
GasBandit
GasBandit
I had a German Shepherd puppy back in the day that was a destructive little nightmare beast until I took him to obedience school.
#22
WasabiPoptart
WasabiPoptart
Try obedience school, but make sure your kids go to the classes too. The training isn't just about the dog.
#23
fade
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Yeah the kids could use some obedience training, too.Try obedience school, but make sure your kids go to the classes too. The training isn't just about the dog.
#24
PatrThom
--Patrick
PatrThom
Leaving them in the crate for a few hours a day should have a noticeable effect.Yeah the kids could use some obedience training, too.
--Patrick
#25
Zappit
Zappit
I'm going to teach you a secret. There is a power that can help you gain control over almost any dog. It is cheap, plentiful, and quite enjoyable for you, too.
I speak, of course, of the humble potato chip.
Seriously, every dog we've owned learned "stay", "sit", "roll over", etc...after being introduced to, and motivated with, potato chips. Use them carefully, and dogs will sit very attentively and wait for your cues and your chips. It also makes for an excellent bonding tool.
We owned a Yorkie that was probably abused before we got him, and potato chips led the way to socializing him people. The Poodle that was absolutely spoiled rotten by my grandparents before they gave her to us? - Potato chips help retrain her. The Shipoo that turned out to be the best trained and smartest dog we've ever owned? Potato chips made that training happen.
Look they don't get many chips, but dogs love them, and will work for them. Keep it simple - plain chips - low sodium is my recommendation. They have their doggie treats, but the chips were one hell of a motivator.
I speak, of course, of the humble potato chip.
Seriously, every dog we've owned learned "stay", "sit", "roll over", etc...after being introduced to, and motivated with, potato chips. Use them carefully, and dogs will sit very attentively and wait for your cues and your chips. It also makes for an excellent bonding tool.
We owned a Yorkie that was probably abused before we got him, and potato chips led the way to socializing him people. The Poodle that was absolutely spoiled rotten by my grandparents before they gave her to us? - Potato chips help retrain her. The Shipoo that turned out to be the best trained and smartest dog we've ever owned? Potato chips made that training happen.
Look they don't get many chips, but dogs love them, and will work for them. Keep it simple - plain chips - low sodium is my recommendation. They have their doggie treats, but the chips were one hell of a motivator.
#26
sixpackshaker
sixpackshaker
Thinly sliced hot dogs worked for me.
Doesn't you dog have a little Lab in her?
Doesn't you dog have a little Lab in her?
If not, does she want some?
#27
WasabiPoptart
WasabiPoptart
Why do I feel like the dog posted this?Thinly sliced hot dogs worked for me.
Doesn't you dog have a little Lab in her?
If not, does she want some?
#28
fade
fade
The vet and the shelter both independently said she was mostly golden retriever which is funny because she is black and caramel brown.
#29
PatrThom
--Patrick
PatrThom
Maybe she's a fool's golden retriever?The vet and the shelter both independently said she was mostly golden retriever which is funny because she is black and caramel brown.
--Patrick
#31
phil
phil
I'm in a similar situation. It was hard to come to the conclusion that I need to re-home my dog. What it really came down to was just that if all these XY and Z conditions need to be met at all times than he just isn't the right dog for us. There's a family out there that can give him what he needs.
That being said if you take your dog back, oh boy do I have a replacement!
That being said if you take your dog back, oh boy do I have a replacement!
#32
Sparhawk
Sparhawk
We took in a Pug several years back, he was a handfull. High energy, lousy social skills (raised in a home with big dogs that bullied him for everything), and housebreaking issues. We tried lots of things, found some worked (a bowl to slow his eating, getting him fixed...), and some that didn't (formal training). He didn't really care about treats, huge hindrance to training there, and was always high strung around most other animals, but we accidentally found something that worked one day, he loved getting his butt scratched (right above the tail, almost obsessive about it). THAT became his reward for training, sit = butt scratch, lay = butt scratch... it worked wonders for that broken little Pug. He's several years older now, much more relaxed about everything, and we did find a treat that he loves, baby carrots. None of this may matter for your dog, but they're just like us, all types of different things will get them to comply with what you want.