[TV] Frank Watches Old WWE Raws and PPVs on the Network

Frank

Frank

I'm gonna log my experiences watching old episodes of WWE Raw along with the PPVs they accompanied. I will give my impressions of the show along the way. This is probably going to be very...disjointed, like I'm live Tweeting something.

FURRRST UP:

WWF Raw Episode 1, Jan 10, 1993. I was 9 years old at this point.

- Bobby Heenan being awesome right off the bat, not being allowed into the building being told he has been replaced. Who the fuck would want to replace Bobby Heenan? Who the hell is Rob Bartlett?

- Oh man, the old intro. The only version of this tune I remember is the SNES digitized version from the old game.

- Rob Bartlett looks like a fucking asshole, chewing gum like a prick. Macho is unintelligible. Pre-Mr. McMahon Vince is a thing I don't even remember.



- I forgot that Coco Beware and Owen Hart were a tag team. When the music hit I thought it was going to be Owen. RIP Yoko. Bartlett proves me right by doing nothing but making tasteless fat jokes about Yoko. He is audibly disgusted by him. CHOICE Bartlett line so far, "That is one big butted Oriental." CLASS. Macho Man makes no God damn sense. He just says random shit that has nothing to do with anything. I remember Yoko being better than this. He literally has done nothing but stand there while Coco bounces off of him and he's already holding the ropes like Andre the Giant followed by a bonzai drop. Squash match in every sense of the term.

- 90's hair ring girl. So 90's it makes my pants looser. Macho Man claims to have X-Ray vision.



- Apparently Lex Luger's name at this point was just Narcissus. Bobby Heenan is the God damn best.

- Steiners are up next, going up against two guys in gimp gear. Scott was gifuckinggantic even then. Doink is riling shit up in the crowd during the match. I loved Evil Doink's super villain clown music. Rob Bartlett is awful. Just...pure garbage. Scott Steiner's mullet is a thing of wonder. The gimps are annihilated. Super squash match.

- Bobby Heenan trying to sneak in in drag. Heenan was too good for wrestling.

- Razor Ramon is giving an interview wearing the greatest fucking shirt I have ever seen. I need to find a cap of this.



Scott Hall's bad impression of Tony Montana is so much funnier now that I'm older and actually know what Scarface is. COCKAROASH.

- Max Moon vs Shawn Michaels. Fuck, I forgot about the original version of Shawn's theme that had Sensational Sheri singing the lyrics. As a kid I thought Max Moon looked rad as hell. I was 9. The first actual match of the night. Shawn Michael's boots are huge. Like Mega Man big. Fuuuuck, in the middle of the match, Bartlett pretends to be Mike Tyson and Vince and Macho Man humour him for like 3 minutes straight. Literally the worst commentary I've ever heard. Shawn is already great, even at this early point in his singles career. Lots of basic back and forth stuff. A fly ass bomb by Max Moon looks like it lands right on Shawn's head. Jesus, I thought he was dead. Shawn finished the match with a belly to back. I don't know if it was his finisher or not at this point, but I'm sure it's before sweet chin music.

- I love that it's leaving all the terrible WWF ads in on the network. ICOPRO! BUY THIS GARBAGE!

- Man, they're slowly running down the entrants to the Rumble. This segment is like 30 hours long. Mr. Perfect is great. His son has zero of that charisma. I had forgotten how small Rikishi was when he was Headshrinker Fatu. He wasn't much larger than the Usos. Those boys don't have long if they don't work their asses off (literally) before those genetics kick in.

- AND THE MAIN EVENT! Damien Demento vs. The Undertaker. Man, it was so much simpler, but I loved Undertaker's old look. The hat, coat, tie and matching boot covers and gloves. Way radder looking than the current heavy metal cover reject outfit he goes with now. Another squash. Taker tombstones Demento and it's over in about 2 minutes.

And that's the first Raw I guess. I didn't really talk much about the wrestling, because there wasn't much.

Oh, I'm wrong. Back with Doink. Crush is mad at Doink for making children cry. Doink was amazing. HOLY CHRIST. HEY DER BRAH! DONCHU YOU BE THE KIDS CRY BRAH. MAH MULLET BRAH! Crush looks like a handful of sour inside twizzlers with a mullet.

And that's it, the first Raw. That was pretty shit.
 
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Frank

Frank

WWF Raw Episode 2, Jan 17th, 1993.

- Show opens up with Rob Bartlett ripping up a picture of Bobby Heenan. My hate for you Rob Bartlett knows no bounds. Before Macho Man can even open his mouth he's assaulted by the Repo Man, who is laughing like a maniac. This silences Vince and Bartlett until the intro. It's maybe my favorite thing to happen so far.



- The vicious assault on Macho Man means he is no longer commentating so this whole show has suddenly gotten more coherent and less hilarious. First up is Terry Taylor looking as generic as a man can look vs. Mr. Perfect. Terry Taylor has the worst entrance theme in the history of entrance themes. Rob Bartlett calls Mr. Perfect Tom Arnold. I call Rob Bartlett stupid fucking prick. Macho Man is back! He cuts a promo on Repo Man instead of commentating. It's still an improvement. The match is solid, probably the most wrestling in Raw so far. Mr. Perfect being a face is not something I'm used to at all. We want Flair chant breaks out. Very quick pace (compared to everything else they've shown so far) that moves in and out of the ring. Mr. Perfect throws stiff punches, they actually look and sound like they're connecting. Ric Flair pops out and starts taunting Perfect. Perfect still gets the Perfectplex in a reversal to win. It's still a fantastic looking move.

- Bret Hart shills IcoPRO. Awesome. Macho shills Slim Jim, DOUBLE AWESOME. FUCK YEAH, I love these shitty old ads.

- Bret Hart, the champion, is out for an interview. SUPER BORING respect promo. I loved Bret as kid, but fuck he is boring when he's awkwardly talking. "You're scum Razor Ramon, my dad is the respect and you're scum Razor Ramon. My family is respect scum Razor Ramoooan." Bret then tells Razor he will kick him down Unconscious street. It must be a street in Calgary.

- There's something deeply ironic about Paul Bearer asking for donations for a charity thing called Headlock for Hunger. Yeah, I'm Rob Bartlett this time. "OOOOOHHH, Too many staaaAAAAAAAaaarving keeeeeeeeeds in Somaaaaaaliaaaaaaaaaaa."

- Marty Jannety vs. a guy who's name I missed. The neon spandex in the ring is blinding. Shawn Michaels calls into Vince and cuts a promo on how lame Marty is. I tend to agree. Vince calls the guy Jannety's beating up Ruth. So, I guess he's Ruth. Jannety finishes the match with a Famasser. Jannety was a good worker, but it's hard to look good with his style when it's a squash match.



- Doink beat the hell out of Crush at Superstars. Evil Doink is seriously one of my favorite gimmicks of all time.



- Commercial for a new Saturday morning show called Mania that encourages children to wake up their parents bright and early to watch. Ha ha ha ha, fuck you Vince.

- Ha ha ha, Repo Man giving a promo laughing about repossessing Macho Man's hat. Macho Man flips the fuck out over that hat. My new favorite part of the show. I thought the Demolition was so fucking cool as a kid, despite them looking like scary BDSM dudes. I had no idea Repo Man was Smash.


- Another brutally long Royal Rumble shill segment. Royal Rumbles always came around my birthday and I always wanted to get the PPV but my mom would never let me. I lived a PPVless life as a kid.

- The Matador Tito Santana before being relegated to the Spanish announce table vs. Ric Flair, WOOOOO! I can't tell if the ring themes are the originals or have been redubbed with awful royalty free versions. I don't remember Ric Flair's theme sounding like it was played on a Korg synthesizer. There's an emphatic Tito chant. Rob Bartlett makes a classy Mexican labourer joke. The Tito chant is quickly eclipsed by a Let's Go Flair chant. You know, it looks great when a show is in a huge arena (my only experience with live Wrestling) but seeing a show in the Grand Ballroom the way these old Raws were would have been pretty great. You'd have a great seat no matter where you were sat. This is an excellent match. No one takes a top rope bump like Flair. How he isn't crippled at his age like so many other guys is beyond me. I had forgotten what Flair looked like without his flappy old man hooties. BAAAH, Perfect interrupts the match and goes at Flair. They brawl to the back and I guess that's it.

- Back from commercials and Flair and Perfect somehow time it perfectly that they brawl back into the ring. Flair busts out a madman promo. He's great. They make a match for next week. It's a loser leaves town match. Now it's Perfect's turn to cut a promo. He accepts Flair's challenge. Vince is flabbergasted that anyone would risk their careers for a match.

That's it for Raw. I think I have one more before the Rumble. Oh, I'm wrong again. Repo Man takes Rob Bartlett's car. I'm now the number one fan of Repo Man. Now, it's over. Well, it was better than the first show. Had some good stuff go on. I'm actually enjoying the one hour format a lot. The three hour Raws of today seem to go on forever and I fall asleep in the third hour nearly every time I watch it.
 
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Shakey

Shakey

So much nostalgia... The original Undertaker was killer. I also totally forgot about Razor Ramon. He was funny as hell
 
Frank

Frank

WELCOME TO ROYAL RUMBLE 93!!!!!

Royal Rumble, Jan 23, 1993.

- Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon, thank fucking God, are announcing. They are excited.

- Beverly Brothers vs. Steiner Brothers is the first match of the night. Beverly's are sporting magnificent bleach mullets. In fact, the only better mullet is Scott Steiners, which is much, much fuller and fluffier. Every time Scott does anything, the crowd freaks the fuck out. Screams of joy. This match is really boring. Someone body slams someone. Then nothing for 2 minutes. Then someone body slams someone. Scott Steiner does pushups while in the Boston Crab, making himself look silly and his opponent look sillier. I don't know what that's supposed to prove. Rick Steiner does a belly to back toss on one of the Beverlys that lands him directly on his neck. I cringe. Then Scott Frankensteiner's a guy directly onto his head. I cringe again. Steiners win.

- Recap of the Rockers split showing the EEEENFAMOUS superkick to Jannetty in the Barbershop followed by the tossing him through the glass. Marty Jannetty in his civvies looks more like a carny than he does when he's fully ring attired.



- Shawn Michaels vs Marty Jannetty. Shawn Michaels Sheri entrance theme is somehow more gross than when Shawn himself sings it. The mullets continue to flow like waterfalls. Remember when I said Jannetty looks more like a carny in his civvies? I was wrong, his ring gear is the silliest looking thing I've ever seen. I love when you can hear wrestlers swear. The camera zooms into Marty, while he's selling a wrecked shoulder, and he can't help but let a few shits fly.



I lose track of time and realize I'm going to have to finish this later. 2 hours left in the show.
 
Frank

Frank

Ok, I'm not going to watch Rumble for now because it's super long.

SO

Raw Episode 3, January 24th, 1993

- Show opens with Repo Man screaming about repossessing Randy Savage's career. I think it was around this time Macho Man would deflower a teenage Stephanie McMahon and he would be banished from WWF forever, so there wouldn't be much left for Repo to repossess.

- On commentary we have BOBBY THE FUCKIN' BRAIN! Vince.....and Rob Bartlett. Still, Bobby is here and things are improved. Bobby rips into Rob for not paying his bills and having his car repo'd. Fuck yeah, Bobby is the best.

- Savage vs Repo Man. Randy pops Repo and McMahon says, "OHHHH right in the MUSH!" which is the single grossest term for mouth I've ever heard. Repo Man's tights are covered in tire tracks, like he's been run over repeatedly. It's super unfortunate things sour between Vince and Savage. Savage is one of the only old stars to not abandon the WWF after the steroid scandal and one of the best inring workers in the company. HA HA HA, in the middle of the match, Rob Bartlett says something, well, stupid and Heenan asks Vince, incredulously and rather quietly, "Where did you get this guy?" The match is mainly a brawler but compared to most Raw matches thus far, is still entirely watchable. Bobby the Brain basically says he wants to bang Hilary Clinton. Randy lands the elbow from the top for the victory and gets his hat back. These are the greatest stakes ever in the history of wrestling.



- Next up is WWF's 4th most racist (give or take 3 slots) gimmick, Kamala vs the perennial winner, the Brooklyn Brawler. Kamala tries to pin brawler's back. The crowd chants, "You are a man!".....yes he is. This becomes a repeated joke, that Kamala is too stupid to know which side to pin. He eventually gets it right and wins in like 2 minutes. His manager Slick, is interviewed afterwards and shouts some shit about the crowd converting Kamala. Bobby rips into Bartlett some more. I am happy.



- OH JESUS, instead of running down the upcoming Rumble for what feels like 200 years, Mean Gene is now giving the 200 year report on what happened at the Rumble. Yokozuna will face Bret Hart for the title at Wrestlemania. That's the same Wrestlemania where, spoiler alert, Bret Hart will pass the torch to that up and comer Hulk Hogan.

- Wow, the show is only half over and it's time for the main event. I guess this goes a while. Ric Flair vs Mr. Perfect. This should be great. This is a loser leaves town match. This is good stuff, but I doubt anyone thought it would be any different. Flair does the delayed reaction bump and Rob Bartlett is flabbergasted, not understanding what's happening at all. Before it goes to commercial, Flair tries to use a non-regulation non-folding chair as a weapon so the referee stops that from happening right quick. When we come back from commercial, Perfect attempts to pull down Flair's trunks right into the hardcam. We only get a half-moon. At some point Perfect is busted open. I don't know if it's bladed or hard way, I never saw it. Nothing looks better than blood on blonde guys. It just highlights it. Bobby is great, squarely in Ric's corner, flipping out any time Perfect does anything that isn't wrestling kosher. "That's a closed fist, disqualify him!" Vince is insufferable, I don't remember his commentary being this awful. Bartlett says nothing and does his best work ever. This is easily the best Raw match yet. Masters of ring psychology. Perfect eventually lands the Perfectplex for the win. Heenan flips the fuck out and gets bleeped out and storms off. Flair is proclaimed out of the WWF. This would be Flair's last match in the WWF until 2001.



That's it, it quickly ends teasing fucking Typhoon next week. Hey kids, remember that incredible Mr. Perfect/Ric Flair match you just watched? Well, next week it's Hulk Hogan's fattest friend (and that's saying something with the Nasty Boys existing)! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
 
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Frank

Frank

If you thought I was done with these, YOU WERE PROBABLY CLOSE TO RIGHT BUT ENTIRELY WRONG.

Monday NIGHT RAAAAAAW, Episode 4, Jan. 31st, 1993

No cold open this week, straight into the intro.

- Kicks off with Tatanka's music and Vince gives a super enthusiastic, "YEEEEEEEEEEEAH, HERE HE COMES!" I learn later on in the night, this is only the beginning of Vince coming. Already in the ring from the furthest corners of your mind, Damien DeJobto. Damien Demento has the silliest ring attire this side of the Boogie Man. Tatanka clotheslines Demento out of the ring and Demento begins telling the roof he's done everything he was asked. On commentary is Vince, Bartlett and Macho Myyyaaaan. Fucking Brutus the Barber is back and no one will continue to care. Demento has the physique of your dad who used to be a jock when he was young, but has begun to let age take over. Tatanka wins. He's apparently undefeated. I smell big things in his future FOR SURE.



- Some Headlock for Hunger stuff. They give 100,000 dollars to some dubious named charity. I'm sure no one was fed. After that it's a shot of the crowd and the world's ugliest man in a St. Louis Blues Jersey stands out like the most swollen hideous sore thumb. Big old fish lips and gums. I don't think he has teeth.

- Brutus the Barber interview. Apparently he got fucking annihilated in a para-sailing accident. He is the least intimidating looking and sounding guy ever. His gimmick has to be one of the most annoying for other workers ever. He would cut chunks of hair off of you when he won. WHO THE FUCK WOULD BE OK WITH THAT? UGH. He sucks so bad. He's twitching like he has Parkinsons. Now he's trying to use his dead mother for sympy. What a cock. His dead dad too. Now his wife divorced him. Jesus Christ Brutus, you fucking gross carnie. This is uncomfortable how little anyone in the arena gives a shit. THIS IS GOING ON FOR DAYS. Small boos are breaking out now. Now, he's verbally sucking Hogan's dick. Wouldn't be Brutus without Hulkdick smushed entirely in his mouth. This is seriously going like 10 minutes now. I went to the bathroom and came back and he's still talking about what a friend Hulk is. I'm not even joking. That happened. Here it is in it's entirety. Never watch this.



- Oh sweet, Owen Hart and Coco Beware when they were a tag team. Their opponents are Iron Mike Sharpe and I fucking shit you not, Skull Von Krush. The parachute pants and super high pants and suspenders make Owen Hart look like he weighs 300 pounds. Owen was incredible in the ring and Coco is no slouch. Super quick squash match. FUCK YOU BRUTUS FOR SLOBBERING THROUGH THE TIME FOR THIS MATCH.

- The show isn't even half over and it's the main event already. Typhoon weighs 900 pounds, so there's no way he goes for half an hour. I'm not looking at the timestamps on the Network to spoil things for myself so I assume there's more afterwards. Evil Doink still has the best entrance music. He still acts happy and enthusiastic while the gross music plays. I love him. Man, you have a good sound system and the Natural Disasters theme would sound awesome. Vince basically cums over how big Typhoon is. I knew he liked tall, I knew he liked gross buff, but I guess all you need to please Vince is mass. Typhoon sucks and sloppily fails to sell any of Doink's moves properly. You ain't no Earthquake man, that dude was a worker. Doink wedgie pins Typhoon and wins. AWESOME. His demeanor immediately changes to dark and angry and he stares down a kid. Doink is the most underrated wrestler ever.



- Apparently it was more important to talk to Todd Pettingail than to give Owen Hart proper time for a real match.

- A moment of silence and a ringing of the bell for Andre the Giant, who died the week before.

- RAW apparently stands for Really Awesome Wrestling.

- CHEEEEPS, BYAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!



- Here comes Yokozuna, tonight is the night of the fat dudes. They're trying to call Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Vince verbally ejaculates over Yoko's size. My previous thought is proven correct. Squash match vs. Some Random Guy who I don't think they even named. They get a hold of Hacksaw and he calls Yoko, Yakizooma. Vince corrects him and Jim Duggan says he doesn't care, it's just some Jap.......anese name. The pause between Jap and nese sounds like an eternity. Classy. Yoko wins in like 20 seconds.

- Next up is Money Inc. IRS and Million Dollar Man. For such a sharp dresser you wouldn't guess that Bray Wyatt was IRS' son. Must've taken after his mother. Nice, Million Dollar Man shits on Brutus and all his problems. I want to high five Million Dollar Man. They both want to fight Brutus, so Dibiase suggests they do it the democratic way, flipping a coin. That's the single most brilliant bit of social commentary in the history of entertainment.

- Apparently it's time for the Narcissist Lex Luger. Linda (or Stephanie) is really in for it tonight. Vince is verbally hard for Lex. This is actually uncomfortable to listen to. An overweight lady is the ring girl now and it upsets Luger for some reason.

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, IT'S THE GREATEST RECORDED PROMO IN HISTORY. THE FUCKING SMAGICAL MR. PERFECT FOOTBALL PROMO!!!!!! I'm putting this right here!



- Alright, it's Lex vs. Guy in yellow tights. I actually may have to turn off the sound. This is disgusting to listen to. ACTUAL VINCE QUOTE:

"He looks down at his skin....he looks down at his..ahh.. his muscularity."

Just a quick squash. Vince peddles Quantum Leap.

- Next week is Brutus vs. Million Dollar Man and a Battle Royal. No, wait, they're pre-empted next week by a dog show. A dog show.

GOOD NIGHT!
 
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GasBandit

GasBandit

Staff member
Jay said:
Perfect vs Hart was prolly best tech match of all time.
Click to expand...
My favorite was the Summerslam PPV tagteam match of Macho Man and Mr Perfect vs Ric Flair and Razor Ramon. The whole drama for weeks leading up to it was delicious.
 
Steve

Steve

Mr. Perfect had several promos at the time. Golf with a hole in one, a half court basket ball shot right in the rim, the pass to himself. Each ended with him looking at the camera saying "Perfect". And that he was. Great thread. Keep it coming.
 
Frank

Frank

Steve said:
Mr. Perfect had several promos at the time. Golf with a hole in one, a half court basket ball shot right in the rim, the pass to himself. Each ended with him looking at the camera saying "Perfect". And that he was. Great thread. Keep it coming.
Click to expand...
Of course, but the one I remember best of all will always be the football one. That one has been burned into my memory since childhood.

Changing gears,

My personal cell's notifications sound is now Macho Man growling, "CHEEEPS, BLAAAAAAHHH!" It makes me laugh every time.
 
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