Girl wants to go on dates but doesn't want to date

[IronBrig4]

I've been going on dates with this girl since New Year's Eve. She's cool and we've been going on dates fairly regularly. She lives about 90 minutes away so we have to plan out dates in advance. It's not like we can just call each other up and say, "I'm hungry. Wanna get sushi tonight?"

Last month, I told her she was the only girl I wanted to date. She balked and said she didn't want to put a label on anything, and that I might like her a lot more than she liked me. But she wasn't going on dates with anybody else. Okay, whatever. We decided to be casual.

A few weeks went by and we went out a few more times. It was fun and I figured we were taking it easy. But I'm noticing now that we're going out every weekend and have things planned with each other for the next couple weeks. Just as often as not, it's her idea. Her sister and some of her friends have met me. We're going to take a weekend vacation sometime this summer. I'm her wedding date this fall.

I always have a good time with her and want things to continue. Should I bring up exclusivity again or wait a while longer?

 

[Dave]

Just be exclusive and don't say a thing. If SHE brings it up then you can talk about it.

 

[phil]

For sure let her know how you feel. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum quite yet, but it's probably better if everyone is on the same page. Like if she honestly does not feel the same way, it's probably better to know now so you can process that and decide how you want to handle it rather than 6 months from now when she calls you up and says she met someone and that she's taking him to that wedding.

this is of course assuming that an exclusive and more serious relationship is what you're after. If you're fine with a more casual relationship then don't rock the boat.

 

[Denbrought]

I wouldn't let whatever's bothering me build up or fester, if only because that's not been healthy for me. Communicate.

Let them know how you feel, ask how they feel, and reach a mutually-satisfactory arrangement. For extra points, do this somewhere where they couldn't feel cornered or trapped.

If better communication ends a relationship (that is anything other than transactional in nature), then good riddance.

 

[strawman]

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...
...but because my travelling companion and I weren't talking about the trip we ended up in completely difference emotional places."

There's a very real possibility that you are into her, she's not into you, and one day it just ends and she's moved on and you're left nursing your wounds because it was more to you than it ever was to her.

You've laid your cards on the table, and she's laid her cards on the table, and it turns out you're each playing a different game. At this point one of you is going to have to switch games. Given your goal:

I ... want things to continue.

Then the answer to

Should I bring up exclusivity again or wait a while longer?

is no, you shouldn't bring it up again. You want to learn her game and play it. She has explained she's not interested in your game.

If your goal is exclusivity, then you need to be willing to walk away from the relationship (such as it is) and bring it up again, knowing that you need to move on if she's not interested. You can't keep playing two different games because your game eventually requires sacrifice on both your parts, beyond just time. It may be fun to stay in a relationship you know is going in the wrong direction, but you might find (perhaps to your surprise) that you become bitter or depressed since your emotional needs will not be fully met.

It's possible, however, that continuing down the path of "We're not exclusive, but we spend 1/7 of our waking hours together, exclusively" may ultimately develop into something more. Just don't plan on it, or expect it to, and always keep in mind that this relationship is "at will" and either of you may end it at any time for any reason or no reason, and any disappointment or sadness you experience will be of your own making.

Keep in mind that you've taken the relationship about as far as you can without giving up something else in your life. One of you has to move closer to the other, giving up job, friends, etc. She may have interpreted your discussion as "I'm ready for the next step" which is sacrifice, but you may simply want some assurance that she isn't dating other men. At this point, though, I'm not sure why it matters. Until one of you says, "You are important enough to me to give up my current life so I can share more of life with you..." then you've both taken this about as far as it can go, given the distance. So there's little reason to pursue further discussion unless it's to suggest you're ready for that step and to find out if she'd be interested in more if you weren't asking her to sacrifice much of her current life/lifestyle.

 

[Jay]

Create an account on Tinder and move on.

It's 5 months, going exclusive or not shouldn't take a half a year.