[Question] How do you learn to trust people?

[Chad Sexington]

The TL;DR version is: I have been burned, and now I project that mistrust onto everyone I meet. I want to overcome that because it is unfair.

I am a solitary person, more or less by choice. I am not a loner, but I like my independence, my space and alone time. Most of my free-time pursuits are solitary: I love writing, reading, cooking (though I love to cook and host company!) and just, well, thinking.

But I am also a solitary person because I feel often abandoned. Sometimes, and maybe most times, it's my own fault. I drive people away because I retreat. They open to me because I'm a good listener, and I will offer advice when asked, but I never open up to other people. I guess that's what I'm sort-of doing now though, so progress, yay.

I especially have this problem with my dating life. 3/3 long-term girlfriends have cheated on me. At a certain point I guess I started feeling like I was the common denominator and therefore the problem. Now it is very hard for me to go more than a few dates with someone before everything is PANIC SHE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS WORM. My panic mode creates alliterative insults, I guess.

It is, of course, unfair me to do this to anyone. They have a blank slate, more or less, with me, and the history of others' shouldn't impact my impressions of them. Naturally of course, one's view becomes coloured, but how is this defeated? How do I give people the benefit of the doubt, let them in, and keep them close, despite the emotional risks inherent?

I'm tired of being lonely, and I know I am to blame. But I don't know how to beat... me.

 

[PatrThom]

This will likely not be the advice you were looking for, but it is the advice you will get.

1) You will learn to trust people when you have proven to yourself that there are people out there worth trusting. I don't know how long it will take for this to happen, but I assume there has to be somebody you can trust about stuff. Once you accept that there are people out there that you can trust, then you will also accept that there are probably other people out there you can trust. Telling one from the other is of course an exercise left up to the reader. If there were a foolproof way to tell trustworthy people from untrustworthy people, there would be no sociopaths.

2) Despite your previous history, the laws of chance say that, if you continue to have relationships with other people (and you presumably do not have any repeat relationships), eventually you will meet someone you can trust. Everyone has a threshold, of course, so you must take an honest moment or two to determine whether the previous cheating incidents were predicated on something you did or whether they were entirely generated by the other person. I am not sure how you would go about definitively sourcing the origin of the cheating, however. Sorry.

3) If you do not believe yourself to be someone worthy of trust, then I doubt you will ever see it in anyone else.

--Patrick

 

[LittleKagsin]

I wish I could give hugs to everyone on here....

You shouldn't have to feel like you need to beat yourself. Are you okay with yourself at all? Or are there things you want to work on? (Outside of your relationship/paranoid-yness.) Because in my opinion, you need to first work on your confidence, which I think partially comes from getting out there, BUT not expecting a relationship. And work on your confidence for yourself, not to get a girlfriend.

Is there any activities you can do where you can meet new people? I feel like you should work on finding that thing that you feel you can offer people. When you feel you have something to offer someone it's easier to not worry so much.

This may sound silly, but when it comes to finding a good partner, I would recommend you find that person that you can very openly talk to. Even if you're not a big talker, you need to be able to comminucate with your girl.

I wish there was an easy fix. And I'll keep thinking, but...I'm just horrible at telling advice.

 

[Chad Sexington]

I'm a lot more confident than I've ever been. I'm at my most confident. I'm fairly aware of my strengths and weaknesses, I can respond well to most social situations, and I like people. I genuinely care about the friends I have, even the ones I can't really open up to. I give people the benefit of the doubt as human beings, but I struggle to give them the benefit of the doubt as friends, if that makes sense.

I feel like I am worthy of trust. I take on a lot of secrets and stresses of other people. Like I said, people come to me and open up to me. I just... have trouble letting myself reciprocate that. PatrThom's first two points are totally valid though.

As to meeting people, I do have ways of doing that for sure. It's more how I can be open with them or anyone else! Even friends I currently have that I keep at arm's length.

 

[Thread Necromancer]

Forget all else anyone has told you. Or rather maybe, take to heart what they have told you buy only if it is true for you.

I come from a very similar place. I have been betrayed by all women I have given my heart to. Most friends that I have entrusted with the deepest of friendships have also turned out to be not well.

I will not lie to you and say I have found a way out.

I will however tell you what I have found to be the answer. And it is a long and tedious journey, but the self discovery and and truth that which is life is wonderful to behold. I lived in the deepest of depression for the longest time. Ask many on this board who I have confided in, they know. I have been in a deep and dark place for a very long time. And I am still not "out".

But there are lessons I have learned, that may or may not be the answer, but at least it makes me feel better every day. Some of them feel very ignorant to just say, and until you are ready to truly accept them they will not register with you. But they should be put down for you to read anyhow.

I call it the three steps:

1. Wether you are religious or not, you come from the Universe. There is a great expanse of sciency vibrations and nether, wibbly wobbly stuff that composes all of the universe. Everything you perceive, know, touch, feel, think. All of it. It is part of something. And that something, is not here to make us feel unpleasant.

2. People, all people, yourself included, act upon instincts that are good for them. When dealing with other people who are acting on their own accord, it does not often match well with ours. Firstly we must understand the individual, secondly we respect ourselves. If ones actions are not in alignment with our own, then we must with respect simply separate.

3. Without our own self love, we have nothing to give others. I am not talking about that secret time we steal away for ourselves in the dark of the night when we don't think anyone is watching. But I guess you can consider that part of things. No, what I speak of is this: If you can not stand justly for yourself, you can not ask for anyone else.

Three steps. And I do not promise any of it will mean anything to you. And I do not propose to sit here and tell you "I know from experience" or some bullshit. I am lonely. I have been cheated on countless times. I have given my heart to only those I feel are worthy and still I have been shit upon. And I am lonely. still. Now. But I am better every day because I know one thing more than any. Be true to yourself, only then will anything be right.

 

[PatrThom]

I call it the three steps:

I would like to point out that TN and I did not collaborate in any way.

--Patrick

 

[phil]

Surprise trust falls.

 

[Gilgamesh]

Surprise trust falls.

 

[bhamv3]

I remember someone once saying, "Trust is the ultimate form of irrationality."

I can't remember who said it though, so I'm stealing the quote for myself.

 

[Gilgamesh]

I wish I could help you but I have (what I'm told is) a very flawed view on trust.

When I meet someone, I tend to believe them almost 100%. I am a blunt, honest person. So somehow I feel the world should be too and by presenting myself in this manner I hope to elicit the same response from others.
However, I'm a very black or white person on this. Lie to me once, you've lost my trust for good. I've ended relationships after a single (serious) lie, I cannot regain trust for someone after that and will always second guess anything they do or say after that.

 

[MindDetective]

I think the answer is "slowly". You have to start by giving someone a little bit of rope, just enough to hang you a little, then see that they don't. Then you give them a little more. I am not a trusting person either but I also believe trust is earned. So you need to give people a chance to earn it. This means allowing people a chance to screw up, but just not in a big, back-stabbing way.

You now know that you can survive on your own. That will always be a solid fallback position, so don't sweat taking some small steps towards giving people your trust.

 

[Cajungal]

I've found that being polite but assertive with new acquaintances helps. This means being honest about boundaries and not giving too much. I know that is probably really vague, but it helped in my situation-- learning to say no, take care of my own needs, and not giving away all my time/energy from the first shows people that I'm willing to give of myself but that I also intend to take care of myself. Don't know of that makes any sense..

 

[drawn_inward]

Here's my take:

Don't befriend women that you have romantic feelings for or might have romantic feelings for. Don't hold on to a nugget of hope that she might one day love you. Either be strictly platonic friends or lovers. Keep it straight in your head.

Avoid women who seem to be the cheating type (easy right?). Pursue women who seem nice and decent, not women who pursue you. This is shakey and full of holes, but I hope you get what I mean.

Be honest. Try not to be afraid. Be willing to get your heart broken again.

Cheers buddy! Good luck! Don't let some silly women wreck your world.

edit: I think CG said something very important - don't jump in to "full-on relationship" - take it slow and comfortable.

 

[strawman]

It sounds like you want to play the long game - you want to find a long term partner, not just someone to fill a gap or a need for a little while.

Chances are good you'll want to find someone who is going to be as loyal to your relationship as you will be.

My expectation and very limited experience suggests that if you meet a girl who wants to jump into a full relationship right away, chances are good she's going to become bored with you sooner than later, and she's going to have a lower resistance to the idea of developing a deep relationship with another guy later on.

So, look for women with high standards, and work hard to live up to their expectations. Take it slow and easy, and if it doesn't work out, take the next one slow and easy. Build that trust slowly, build the relationship slowly, and make sure she's the one you can trust and have a long term relationship with before going all in. This is the person that, while you want to see in person, you really, really enjoy just talking to for hours on end.

And take everyone's (especially my) advice with a grain of salt. While we can give you tips and ideas about what we've seen and experienced, you have to live through your own experiences, and some will apply and some won't.

 

[GasBandit]

Don't trust them, control them. You know their secret. You have what they want. And if they know what's good for them, they'd better do the right thing.

 

[strawman]

Also, don't settle for something less than what you want. When you approach someone that might work out, figure out as fast as you can if they really are worth the effort of discovering whether they are the right person or not. I know it may sound ruthless, but you can dally with one or two girls and be unhappy over a few years, or you can date a few dozen girls in a few months and find the right one more quickly. They'll be glad. You'll be glad. And the people who you told, "I enjoyed our dates, but I'm not going to go out with you again, things just aren't clicking between us" will be better off than sticking around in a half-way relationship. You will enjoy going out with them, generally speaking. But within a few enjoyable dates you should be able to tell if they're interested in just a short term relationship, if they're actually interested in you, and if you can see yourself with them five years down the line. You might make some friends along the way, but that's not what you're aiming for.

Oh, I almost forgot. I'm legally required by the Halforums Meme Contract to give you the alternative solution if none of our advice is useful or actionable:

THERAPY

Anywho. Good luck!

 

[Chad Sexington]

Thanks, everyone. You guys are awesome. I appreciate you taking the time to give your insight. Here is some commentary:

1. Wether you are religious or not, you come from the Universe. There is a great expanse of sciency vibrations and nether, wibbly wobbly stuff that composes all of the universe. Everything you perceive, know, touch, feel, think. All of it. It is part of something. And that something, is not here to make us feel unpleasant.

Not convinced of this point. I mean, obviously I come from the universe, but to me the universe is sort of empty and chaotic so while it may not be here to make us feel badly it doesn't mean it's here to bolster our mood or life either.

I wish I could help you but I have (what I'm told is) a very flawed view on trust.

When I meet someone, I tend to believe them almost 100%. I am a blunt, honest person. So somehow I feel the world should be too and by presenting myself in this manner I hope to elicit the same response from others.
However, I'm a very black or white person on this. Lie to me once, you've lost my trust for good. I've ended relationships after a single (serious) lie, I cannot regain trust for someone after that and will always second guess anything they do or say after that.

I used to be very quick to cull someone who betrayed my trust, but I am no longer. I am currently working very hard on forgiveness and patience, since I know your path just doesn't work for me. However, I'm not a blunt person, so I perceive the world differently.

You now know that you can survive on your own. That will always be a solid fallback position, so don't sweat taking some small steps towards giving people your trust.

I liked hearing this, thanks. It is a reassuring point.

Don't befriend women that you have romantic feelings for or might have romantic feelings for. Don't hold on to a nugget of hope that she might one day love you. Either be strictly platonic friends or lovers. Keep it straight in your head.

Yeah no I made that mistake in high school, did my emo teen pining thing and got it out of my system. We're good on that note.

It sounds like you want to play the long game - you want to find a long term partner, not just someone to fill a gap or a need for a little while.

Whoa, no, I may have given the opposite impression than I wanted to. I am working to start slowly. I definitely want someone to fill a gap for a little while. I'm not even sure a relationship is something I want. I think it is but no, this is something I am definitely approaching in a slower, casual way.

So, look for women with high standards, and work hard to live up to their expectations.

Damn, I'm awesome, there aren't standards high enough. I exceed them all!

THERAPY

I actually am in therapy right now, and I have brought up my trust issues, which I considered mentioning in my post

 

[strawman]

I actually am in therapy right now, and I have brought up my trust issues, which I considered mentioning in my post

YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ANGRILY CHASTISE US FOR SUGGESTING THERAPY.

 

[Chad Sexington]

Oh whoops!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MAN. SOME PEOPLE HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA. I AM NOT LIKE THAT. I JUST IRRATIONALLY SABOTAGE MY OWN SOCIAL LIFE AND EXPECT YOU TO TELL ME THERE IS NO HOPE

 

[Cajungal]

Always make them show you theirs before you show them yours.

Put that on your blog.

 

[strawman]

MAN I WISH MY CAPSLOCK KEY WASN'T BROKEN.

 

[Gusto]

Don't trust them, control them. You know their secret. You have what they want. And if they know what's good for them, they'd better do the right thing.

Not trusting me was the smartest thing you've done since you got off your horse.

 

[PatrThom]

MAN I WISH MY CAPSLOCK KEY WASN'T BROKEN.

hAVE YOU TRIED HOLDING SHIFT?

--pATRICK