I has a sad...

[IronBrig4]

Dear Dave or Jay,

I posted this on the "whine like a baby" thread, but some things have changed since then. Plus I wanted to put this on the advice forum.

So this girl and I were friends for a few months. We had class together so we always talked regularly, then we became really good friends. I think we even dated a bit without making it official. Before I left for Qatar, we hung out one last time and promised to keep in touch. She said we'd start hanging out again when I got back, and that she'd make dinner this time. I thought I felt some romantic feelings for her, but I wasn't quite sure and I was leaving to go to the far side of the world so I didn't say anything.

Since I've been in Qatar, we've kept up fairly regular communication over Skype and Facebook. It was pretty rough because we're both busy all day, which means we usually only talk very late at night. She was going through a ton of stress in her life. I knew I liked her then but didn't want to add to her burdens; it seemed like every day brought more bad news for her. I was there to listen to her vent about the latest tragedy (and I don't use the word "tragedy" lightly). Then I began to notice that I was seeing less and less of her. Turns out she's dating somebody now. I know I have no right to be jealous because I'm so far away and she deserves somebody close by. Plus she and I were never together.

I know that I could just tell her how I feel, but I got another piece of news after my post in the "whine" thread: my contract in Qatar has been extended for another semester. I'll be in Texas for the summer but then I'm off to Qatar until Christmas. Of course I took it because that means $20k in student loans that I do NOT have to borrow. She's also going to move to Ireland next Fall (not this fall, but the one after). I suppose there might be no point in telling her now.

And before you ask, I haven't tried to contact her for the past few days. In that last communication, I'd asked when was a good time to call but left it at that when I didn't get an answer. I'm not going to risk it backfiring because I know what makes that happen. We're still on each others' Facebook and it's not like we even had an argument.

I have three questions. One: should I just tell her anyways? Two: do you think it'll be possible to stay friends with her? And three: I'm actually a little sad about this so how I get out of this funk?

 

[FnordBear]

I can only offer advice based on my own mindset. Firstly like you said she deserves happiness if life has lately been handing her a shit sandwich, a shitwich if you will. I would say keep your feelings internal. If you "love" her allow it to be platonic, put yourself in the friendzone. Listen when she needs it, advise, and be a stand up guy. If she breaks of contact to have time with the new person in her life...honestly...you come out ahead by taking the moral high ground.

As for how to get out of the funk... that's tough man. Countless books are dedicated to this. Not to sound crude but some private time with Youporn followed by some comfort food and lastly a long walk will probably help in the short term. In the long term we do what real men have done since time immortal. You persevere and stay the course.

*manhug*

 

[bhamv3]

Do you think she did, or does, reciprocate your "sort of romantic" feelings? Maybe she felt something for you too, but also didn't act on them because of the distance, and because she didn't know if you felt the same way.

Personally, I'd tell her. I'd tell her not to try to ruin her current relationship, and not with any expectations, but just to let her know, so that you can be honest with her and with yourself. Maybe she'll reciprocate, and you won't end up regretting letting the chance go. And if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, well her relationship with this other guy should be strong enough to get through it. If it's not strong enough to withstand a guy in Qatar telling her he likes her, then it'd probably collapse over something else in the future anyway.

As for whether you can remain friends, that depends a lot on what you and she wants, and how much effort you're willing to spend on maintaining the friendship. In my experience, it's difficult but not impossible for a friendship to last through such situations. Long distance will hinder somewhat, but modern social media will help.

For the last question, I totally second Fnordbear's suggestion of porn.

 

[strawman]

1. No good will come from telling her, and some bad (awwwwwwkward...!) is very likely. If you want...
2. ...to remain friends, and have a chance in the future when you're both in the same place at the same time, then you'd probably be best just keeping in touch enough to know when she's returning, since it's likely that you'll also be back as well.
3. You missed a chance, and you're now facing the likelihood that nothing will ever work out with this girl you have feelings for. You're going to feel sad for a bit, that's just how emotions work. There are a million threads in this very subforum that touch on how to get past unhappiness, so I don't know what to tell you beyond...


Accept what is, and keep moving forward. You aren't going to have anything with her for the foreseeable future, so you need to recognize that path is closed, and open yourself to the idea that there may be someone closer to you right now that you might be able to develop a relationship with. You're in an amazing different place, and you have a million opportunities to explore. Make some new friends. Go on dates. Decide that it's ok to hurt and don't bury the pain - accept it and keep moving forward.

I think the thing that sucks most about this is that there's still a chance/opening/possibility of a future relationship, and so rather than moving on, it's holding you in place. You don't have to give up on that possibility, but you do need to recognize that there are months and years before that possibility could occur, and you can accomplish a lot in that time. You can't stand still for that long and be happy. I'd say you'll be happier if you let it go altogether rather than thinking about how you can advance it, or maintain it, while you are so far away from her. It might work, it might not, but don't waste time worrying about that now - it'll happen if it happens, and obsessing over trying to maintain even a long distance friendship just to keep hope alive is going to drag you down. Just let it go for now, and trust your future self to recognize and act on the opportunity if it arises later.

 

[Necronic]

I have three questions. One: should I just tell her anyways? Two: do you think it'll be possible to stay friends with her? And three: I'm actually a little sad about this so how I get out of this funk?

I know this seems a bit harsh, but it's over you missed your chance and let this be a lesson for you for next time. Because there will be a next time (which is the answer for #3).

 

[Emrys]

As a supposed female, I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to know, if I was in her situation.
I had something like this happen with me, except the guy told me how he felt. I was already pretty involved with someone else and it just led to confusion and bad feelings, plus resentment that he didn't tell me earlier. We weren't able to stay friends after that.
So, yeah, take time to grieve the loss, then move on. You're going to be OK. <hugs>

 

[IronBrig4]

Truth be told, I don't really know if she reciprocated my kinda/sorta romantic feelings. We ALWAYS had a good time whenever we went out or hung out. After I left for Qatar, she always seemed eager to talk with me. She also loved the present I sent her for Valentine's Day. We'd chat, Skype, like each other's pictures and status updates, and that seemed to end about a week or two ago. I hadn't noticed because I was starting my end-of-the-semester research marathon. I dunno, it's so confusing. When we became friends, we'd both recently gotten out of relationships and I think we were just playing it safe. I know that if I'd stayed in Texas I would've told her as soon as I was certain about what I felt. What really sucks is I've been in situations like this before, where I don't hear from the girl at all until they get dumped. Then all of a sudden I get a call or message asking "Hey, how's life? You busy this weekend?"

Anyways, I'm in London until Friday. The other day, I met up with a friend I'd taught with in Korea (Notre Dame has a study abroad program with King's College). We went to the National Galleries and had a good time. She wanted to meet up with me again today and we visited the Imperial War Museum and had dinner. Now she's thinking about visiting Qatar sometime later. Furthermore, upon hearing of my predicament, one of my Australian friends in Qatar offered to introduce me to his single ladyfriends. So today was a good day. Yeah, it still hurts a little but I have something to look forward to.

 

[GasBandit]

Her current beau could always have a bizarre gardening accident...

 

[Gared]

As someone who has been in almost this exact situation (minus, you know, the international portions of it), who is now married to the person with whom he "missed his chance," I agree with Emrys and Steinman, et. al. The only thing I would throw in there is that, if she does break up with this new guy, be there for her as a friend - and nothing more than a friend, at first - until she's gotten through the bitterness of the breakup. Don't hit on her while she's in her rebound. After she's out of the rebound zone, tell her about your feelings for her. It may work out for you then. It may not work out for you then also, because different people react to things differently; but when my now-wife got engaged to someone else, because I never took the opportunity before she did to tell her how I felt about her, I very firmly friend-zoned myself until the relationship was over.

 

[Jay]

Aren't there beautiful women in Qatar?

 

[Terrik]

Her current beau could always have a bizarre gardening accident...

That's positive thinking!

..I think?

 

[IronBrig4]

While there are pretty Qatari women, they are generally off-limits to foreigners like me. Religion and nationalism are the biggest obstacles, but Qatari society is also polygamous. The locals are able to maintain that because Qatar is the richest country per capita in the world. There aren't many single Western women there for various reasons. Of the relatively few who decide to live in Qatar, I have stiff competition from wealthy Arabs who can easily take them to Madrid or Greece for a weekend.

 

[Jay]

Understood.

I don't know how to positively answer you with what you posted. You never said how you felt (she probably didn't as well) but live has moved on while you were away. The way I see it, you'll get over it, just a matter of living life until your location is a bit more permanent.

In a more Jay waym I'd say, come back during Christmas and do some stalking.

Spoiler

 

[strawman]

So, what you're saying is that you plan to become rich enough to attract the girl you first mentioned, as well as a few others living in and around Qatar?

You stud.

 

[Shakey]

To beat the horse a bit more. She moved on, and you need to too.

You're young and in a foreign country. Have fun and enjoy the experience. When you're married and have kids you'll never get the chance to do that again. I know this may surprise you, but there are a lot of women out there. When you're done with wandering the earth and having awesome fucking adventures they'll be there. They'll be eating up your stories about visiting exotic countries. Don't let those stories be about you sulking in a dorm room about the girl you missed out on.

 

[IronBrig4]

I've already got quite a few adventure stories. I've lived in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, South Africa, and South Korea. Qatar has already given me some stories, and I'll have even more by Christmastime. Since my arrival, I have walked through blinding sandstorms, played on a Venezuelan softball team (long story), helped take my university's quiz team to second place, eaten camel meat, haggled over gold at a souk, and met a spoiled neighborhood cat who thinks he's my BFF. Here's the fuzzball.