Export thread

Starting January 1st, I will have health insurance for the first time in my adult life. The first thing I will be doing, at my first exam, is going to be asking my doctor if I might be a good candidate for antidepressants.

Ten years ago, or even five years ago, if you asked me if I was depressed, I would have said of course not. I'm not sad, and that's what depression is, right? Besides, pills are for other people, I manage just fine. And I had known people that suffered from very serious depression, certainly if I'm not like that, then I can't be depressed.

I'm starting to think that I may have been depressed for a very long time. I suffered a serious bout of depression two years ago, when I had lost my job and spent 7 months stressed over how I would do simple things like buy food. I spent that Christmas absolutely broke, and even avoided all of my family, because I didn't want to talk about how much I was struggling, and more importantly I didn't feel like I deserved to celebrate.

It was that feeling that made me realize that there had been a common theme throughout my life. A friend of mine went to a doctor for depression, and told me that one of the questions he was asked was if he ever had feelings of worthlessness. I thought, doesn't everyone? Before that point, it had honestly never occurred to me that that sort of constant feeling might not be normal. That it might be possible to feel differently. For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with feeling somehow lesser. Any accolades I won I always thought were unearned. Even add a kid, I always thought I was good at fooling people into thinking I was smarter or better than I actually was. It was a persistent, irrational fear that at any moment, someone might see past my ruse and see what a shitty person I actually was. It lead to me essentially making my life harder because I always felt it was impossible to ask for help. If I didn't always project myself as competent, as smart, as someone that always knew what they were doing, then the facade that I had constructed would crumble and no one would ever like me again. It's lead to a life of underachievement, of being afraid to do things I might not be good at, or running away from things I might need help in. I had to drop out of college, because I couldn't manage my scholarships and was terrified of just asking for help.

I'm in a much better place now than I was two years ago. I think I'm in a better place now than I was ten years ago. I'm more aware of my irrationalities, and for the first time ever, I can conceive of a possibility that maybe I don't have to feel this way. I don't expect it to be a fix all, I don't even know if the doctor will agree I need it, but I'm willing to try.

I'm not looking for sympathy, like I said, I think I'm actually in a better place now than I have been. I'm posting this just because I felt compelled to share, and that maybe there are others here that have felt similar.

You've described my life up until my mid 20's or so.

I think admitting that you could use some help, and honestly evaluating your situation are huge first steps to making the improvements in your personal well being. Before I admitted to myself that I had a problem with depression, I was in a lot of the same denial you've seemed to have been (and the same denial we've seen on the forum over and over again from various other people). It's hard to help someone in denial, because they actively resist change, take steps to minimize the severity of their problems in the eyes of others, and on some level feel like they deserve to be in the situation that they're in. And some people learn to use their problems to feed off of the sympathy they receive from others, which can get them stuck and prevent them from moving on past the situation.

That emotional leeching is one of the reasons I almost never post in here when someone's talking about their personal demons. And the few times I have, I tend to take the "tough love" approach. I've been there, and I don't want to be the enabler guy who gives someone just enough emotional release to keep them from taking active measures to change a situation that is obviously causing them distress.

Kudos to you for having the insight to try to change your situation. I wish you all the best of luck.

It's an important step in a man's life to know when he needs help, and actually asks for help. Being proactive and doing something about your situation is always a step in the right direction. Be well.

It's frustrating that clinical depression is linked to sad. When I was young I went on Prozac for sad. It sucked and I quickly abandoned it. Twenty years later, I went on Wellbuterin, not for sad but for angry, resentful, frustrated with the occasional side of sad. Changed things considerably.

That said, I did talk to a professional for a year first to make sure I wasn't just jumping at chemicals (it's a think I do). For me, this was also covered by health insurance, so you may consider that as well.

Yes, when my coverage kicks in on January 1st, that will be one of the first conversations I have with my doctor.

Echoing Fun Size, I too get really frustrated when people think that depression is only sad. It encompasses a lot of things.

I'm glad you have things under control, it sounds like you feel better overall. As for taking anti-depressants, it would probably help you, but I would also couple it with maybe talking to a therapist/psychiatrist? They're pretty well equipped to help you get down to the nitty gritty of why you feel the way you do, where as pills will help but you won't know why - if your depression is all chemical, or if there's other things waiting in the wings to cause you trouble. I mean, since the cause of depression is a lot of things (chemical imbalances, stress, genetics) turning to different avenues will probably give you a more well rounded look at it all.

That's really stellar that you're introspective enough to see where you were and where you are now though, keep it up!

Just a forewarning, I don't know if this is universal or not, but when I went on anti-depressants it took a good three weeks or so for me to see a difference and the first few weeks they changed my dosage quite a bit. So, I wouldn't worry yourself if that does happen.

Good on ya. I've been debating doing the same these last couple years, for the obvious major case of the sad I've had... but I never got around to it, always talking myself out of it by thinking "I'm not depressed, I'm just really goddamned sad, and for good reason. I need to let the sad run its course."

Now sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.

I'm still working out my own feelings of emptiness and self-hatred. Therapy and antidepressants have helped, but I've had to do some work for myself. Antidepressants can help your mood, but getting to the root of the problem is what therapy and self-exploration are for and will help in a different way. You have to be open to finding what's caused you to have this view of yourself or else you're just taking pills to fix it (which really isn't their purpose) and not working on the actual problem.

...Is there anyone on this forum not depressed or mentally disturbed or plain crazy? Sheesh. And yes, I include myself in all three of those.

I'm depressed, mentally disturbed and advanced crazy, so there's that.

Bubble181 said:

...Is there anyone on this forum not depressed or mentally disturbed or plain crazy? Sheesh. And yes, I include myself in all three of those.

Click to expand...

Nope.

I've seen my feelings mirrored in others' posts on here. Birds of a feather...

Bubble181 said:

...Is there anyone on this forum not depressed or mentally disturbed or plain crazy? Sheesh. And yes, I include myself in all three of those.

Click to expand...

"Normal" people don't seek out and join online communities.

What's "normal", anyway?

WasabiPoptart said:

What's "normal", anyway?

Click to expand...

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/normal?s=t

I myself usually go with the chemistry definition when asked.

WasabiPoptart said:

What's "normal", anyway?

Click to expand...

Undamaged by hardship or trauma, mostly. The kind of people for whom facebook is all there is on the internet (or maybe, when they feel wild, twitter or instagram), and depression is just something you need to "snap out of" because it's all in your head, after all, isn't it.

GasBandit said:

depression is just something you need to "snap out of" because it's all in your head, after all, isn't it.

Click to expand...

Just reading that phrase makes me twitch and attack.

Thanks for the well wishes, all. To those recommending therapy, I will be exploring all avenues of treatment, but for me the biggest hurdle was the idea that medication is for sick people, and that I wasn't sick. As I said, it could turn out that I'm not a good candidate for medication, or that I have adverse reactions to it, or that it simply doesn't work on me, all of which are outcomes that will be dealt with as they happen.

I want to point out, though, that I do not at all view this as a negative time in my life. On the contrary, I feel incredibly positive about it. For me, the epiphany was the idea that this constant feeling might not be normal. That was something that until recently I honestly could not conceive, because it was all I knew. In recognizing that it may not be normal, it becomes weirdly comforting, because that then means there's a possibility of not feeling that way. Instead of the dread of learning that you're in a pit, it's the freedom of knowing you might be able to climb out of it.

Look at it this way: your body - specifically your brain's chemistry - has trouble creating or firing certain neurons that keep your mind flowing in a healthy way. It's no different than, say, a diabetic who requires insulin. For the body - or in this case, the mind - to function in a healthier way, you might need that medication. And there's nothing wrong with that. If your doctor or therapist thinks you should go on them, then go on them.

I would also suggest counseling, because while the medication will help your brain chemistry flow better, it's not an immediate "happy drug" that fixes everything. How you think or react affects how you feel. This is something I still struggle with, myself, but I'm working on it.

Also also, if I can recommend a book that helped me a great deal: Feeling Good, by David Burns. It really breaks down how your thoughts affect your feelings and mood and helps you not just realize how your thoughts affect your feelings, but how you can possibly work on changing that.

What I was sort of expecting...

ThatNickGuy said:

Also also, if I can recommend a book that helped me a great deal: The Dame Was a Tad Polish: An Armadillo Mystery.

Click to expand...

Fun Size said:

What I was sort of expecting...

Click to expand...

Well, I mean, I don't know how therapeutic that'd be.

WasabiPoptart said:

What's "normal", anyway?

Click to expand...

Me.

ThatNickGuy said:

Well, I mean, I don't know how therapeutic that'd be.

Click to expand...

Why not both?

HCGLNS said:

Me.

Click to expand...

Would you say that's due to your steady diet of cats?

HCGLNS said:

Me.

Click to expand...

No.

I'm glad you're looking into this if you think it could benefit you. Thanks for keeping us in the loop, and give us an update later!

Yeah, one of the hardest things to get people to understand is that depression isn't a mood, or series of moods, or even a general personality trait. It's a medical condition in which your brain isn't working correctly - it's producing either too much of one neurochemical or not enough of another, or some other related problem. Therapy can help with your behavior, for example to keep you from turning to alcohol or illicit substances, and to help you with building and maintaining a support network. But the medication may very well still be necessary just to allow you to function (more) correctly by correcting the malfunction.

GasBandit said:

sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.

Click to expand...

I assume grieving is normal and expected, even if it goes on for a year or two.
However, deciding "I will prevent this from happening again by never developing strong feelings for anything else in my life, ever" is demonstrably not healthy, either.

--Patrick

GasBandit said:

Undamaged by hardship or trauma, mostly.

Click to expand...

I don't know anyone like this. Granted there are varying degrees of being damaged, but I honestly do not know one person who hasn't gone through a hardship or trauma and walked away entirely unscathed. I think that's one of the myths which perpetuates the stigma surrounding mental health disorders and part of the reason why we don't seek help. Just like being able to "snap out of it" or "I'm not ill, so I don't need a doctor or medication". Yes, some people are more resilient than others, but part of resilience is also getting help when you need it.

Honestly, I think that quite often depression is connected to social isolation. You're depressed because you're isolated and you're isolated because you're depressed. Yes, we have online friends and enjoy FB, HF, Reddit, MMORPGs, and the like. It's not the same as a face-to-face connection. Talking in text messages is not the same as chatting over a cup of coffee. Talking about the last movie you watched to your online friends isn't the same as going to see it with friends. A lot of us are missing social interaction because online is easier to deal with. I don't have to smile while I type this. I can be vulnerable because no one really knows me or sees me here. I can put on a particular persona and be that person I wish I was in real life. And if you don't like me, well, with a quick click I can ignore you completely like you've never existed. I'm going to stop before I write a dissertation here.

BTW - People who believe FB, Twitter and Instagram are the only things on the internet are probably uninteresting and vapid anyway.

WasabiPoptart said:

I don't know anyone like this.

Click to expand...

I've known several.

BTW - People who believe FB, Twitter and Instagram are the only things on the internet are probably uninteresting and vapid anyway.

Click to expand...

That seems like most "normal" people I've met, too.

GasBandit said:

I've known several.

Click to expand...

To me, those are the exceptions to the rule. We'd also have to define trauma and hardship in order to be consistent in what we're discussing.

Some people, including close friends and family, would tell you that I don't know trauma and hardships because I've never lived through either according to them. I also choose not to talk about many of the things I've been through with just anyone, so they probably have no clue that I didn't live the blessed life they believe I've had.

There is nothing more frustrating than people you don't know really well saying, but you look great! I mean that's kind and all, but not an appropriate response to learning about my health issues. I wish that people were more open minded or capable of understanding beyond their experiences.

That goes for so many issues.

If you do start taking antidepressants, may I suggest you either keep some kind of journal of activities for 1-2 weeks prior, and then at least 2 weeks into treatment, or speak daily with someone close about it? Those meds can have side effects that sneak the fuck up on you, and you may not realize it's happening unless a 3rd person points it out, or you read your recent-past self and realize that's not your 'normal' behavior.

E.g. Bupropion made a friend of mine go from 3 square meals a day to quite literally forgetting to eat for two days straight (and they remained hunger-less and uninterested in food while on that). Another person on that same med (prescribed by a gynecologist with no guidance whatsoever) acquired a fantastically short temper paired with mood swings, and did not realize this until it was pointed out. There was also a friend that went on some SSRI and would zone out very easily, effectively losing a lot of time when they weren't being prompted by external factors (pomodoro fixed that somewhat).

I'd say this is something your doctor should tell you, except it seems that every fucking MD can prescribe antidepressants here (and they do), so they might not know basic safeguards.

Denbrought said:

If you do start taking antidepressants, may I suggest you either keep some kind of journal of activities for 1-2 weeks prior, and then at least 2 weeks into treatment, or speak daily with someone close about it? Those meds can have side effects that sneak the fuck up on you, and you may not realize it's happening unless a 3rd person points it out, or you read your recent-past self and realize that's not your 'normal' behavior.

E.g. Bupropion made a friend of mine go from 3 square meals a day to quite literally forgetting to eat for two days straight (and they remained hunger-less and uninterested in food while on that). Another person on that same med (prescribed by a gynecologist with no guidance whatsoever) acquired a fantastically short temper paired with mood swings, and did not realize this until it was pointed out. There was also a friend that went on some SSRI and would zone out very easily, effectively losing a lot of time when they weren't being prompted by external factors (pomodoro fixed that somewhat).

I'd say this is something your doctor should tell you, except it seems that every fucking MD can prescribe antidepressants here (and they do), so they might not know basic safeguards.

Click to expand...

I actually plan to blog the whole experience, both for the reasons you mention, and because I feel like there is still a stigma with many (myself once included) against medication like that, and the more people that talk openly about it, the better.