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Here's the short of it: unfulfilling, boring marriage, I hate my job with a passion, completely disinterested in all past hobbies, I ignore my kids and sit on the computer after work all evening watching music videos on Youtube. I hate the hole I've dug myself in. I want out. I don't know where to even start. My spouse is unsupportive and tells me to man up. I have suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis. I figured I'd vent on this little corner of the internet before I put a 12 gauge in my mouth.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I've been reflecting on a lot of my past relationships (friendships). It sure feels like despite being part of clicks in the past, my old buddies couldn't really give two shits about me. It seems like I'm always the one reaching out to them instead of it being a mutual thing. Even my best friends. It seems like they're just sick of me and moved on with other people. I feel alone. The only thing that has kept me from jumping off a bridge or putting a gun barrel in my mouth is my kids. I love them, and I don't want to fuck them up.

I'll be honest with you mate, pick a few hobbies to keep you busy and away from the family. Go seek help too, a therapist that will have no bias ad they will be a stranger to your life.

Also fallout 4 is coming out soon, you don't want to miss that.

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Find a hobby to share with your kids. Give yourself something to look forward to with the lights of your life. Find happiness in that. Games, collecting, building things, whatever, so long as it's something to share with them. It might even rekindle your interest in those past hobbies.

As for the job, keep a look out for something else, make a few calls, and maybe something better will come along. Do a little research on what you can do with your level of education. Sometimes a couple seminars or courses can qualify you for a new career. You never know unless you look it up.

I can commisserate with you. I've been there, where life sucked and I couldn't imagine it getting any better, and I had no ambition or motivation to make it so. When Pauline died I spiraled down into a state where I was basically just killing time until I died, spending most of my time drunk or morose (or both). During a conversation with a friend it even occurred to me that if my house was burning down, I questioned whether or not I would bother to leave it. It took me two years to even get to a place where I could conceive of things improving, of a possible eventual interest in living as opposed to just trying to hang on to bare survival.

But keep soldiering on. You give it enough time (and that might be a lot of time), something comes around that throws you a rope. It sucks and it's not easy, but it can happen. My advice is to find something new to occupy your spare time - something that engages your mind and challenges your limits, maybe something you've wanted to try but never got around to doing it. What passed a lot of the last two years for me was producing youtube videos - I'd never really done it, and the challenge of learning the process and getting better at it kept the hopelessness at bay until the storm started to subside.

I can't think of a situation where you get anything close to the closure you seek where you don't "...fuck up the kids." Suicide? Bad for kids. Run off on adventures? Bad for kids. Take a job on an oil rig or something isolated? Bad for kids. Basically anything that (semi-)permanently removes you from the family will be hard on the kids. There's no escaping that.

As for the former cliquesters, it's possible they sense some of your desperation, and that might be making them uncomfortable around you. If you want to rectify this, you might need to be the one who reaches out in order to invite yourself along to some fun, but the hard part will be NOT using the get-together as a springboard to talk about your home life. Instead, try to enjoy the time you're having, and that might lead to more invites. Once you've earned enough credit in the "friends" bank, then they'll be more likely to want to listen to your situation.

I know it's not easy. I couldn't think of anything easy. I am sorry.

--Patrick

I'd have to question the relationship with your spouse if you've made her fully aware of your depression and all she told you was to "man up." That may be a big part of your problem right there.

I wonder how much of this is depression and how much is mid-life crisis. I look back on my life and say, "Man, what missed potential!" I haven't really done anything with my life, either. I've been married for 22 years and I find myself in the same boring marriage place as OP...and it's about 75% my fault. The other 25% is my wife's unwanting to really do anything. So I do like OP and spend most of my free time in front of my computer. It's one of the reasons I started getting back into comedy and doing improv.

I have no friends. I know OP says his friend have ignored him, but I'm in pretty much the same point. My friends all moved away. Those who remain don't see me. I've hung out with some work "friends" but if we didn't work together I'd probably not hang out with them.

So why am I not doing the same as OP? Because I try and find things outside the house to help my mental state. I joined a softball league. I'm in a couple fantasy football leagues, I do my comedy. It gets me out of the house. Yeah, I like sitting around in my underwear playing Skyrim, but I know it's not good for me.

What concerns me is the suicide talk. I know it's almost cliche, but you need to get to therapy. Your wife's reaction is problematic, but she probably thinks you are whining and not really feeling this way. To her you've probably always been a rock of strength. She might not be able to fathom that you have this weakness. When you go to therapy she'll probably realize how serious you are.

So. Go get therapy. If your wife still gives you the man up talk, get her to join you. Oh, and check with your work and see if they have some sort of mental health care. You might be able to get 3 or 4 visits for free and see if it's right for you.

Exactly, the suicide thoughts are a big red flag. I am going to second the therapy thing. As soon as you possibly can, before anything else.

Getting an appointment with a therapist or counselor can take some time. You can try calling one of the hotline numbers that is in the sticky post at the top of this forum. They are there to listen, not judge or give advice and that can help if you are waiting for an appointment with a counselor to roll around.

Man, I've been there. I had to check that I didn't write this post when I was toasted the other night. Wasn't me.

These are all depression symptoms, but you seem to know that. I may not be the best person to give advice, but one thing that has helped me is the whole "20 seconds of insane courage" bit. Force yourself to play with your kids for 20 seconds. Force yourself to workout for 20 seconds. Force yourself to talk about things your friends want to talk about for 20 seconds.

Feel free to PM me. I have been hospitalized for suicide attempts - recently, even - and am happy to lend a supportive and definitely non-judgemental ear. (Not to say I think anyone here is judgemental!)

Chad Sexington said:

Feel free to PM me. I have been hospitalized for suicide attempts - recently, even - and am happy to lend a supportive and definitely non-judgemental ear. (Not to say I think anyone here is judgemental!)

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Just don't ask him for suicide tips, he's clearly awful at that.

... is this a bad time for humor?

Ravenpoe said:

Just don't ask him for suicide tips, he's clearly awful at that.

... is this a bad time for humor?

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That was downright PatrThomian.

Ravenpoe said:

Just don't ask him for suicide tips, he's clearly awful at that.

... is this a bad time for humor?

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I'd laugh at that, but we'll leave it up to Chad. If it offends him it'll be gone.

Pff. Couldn't care less.

I think it's Seinfeld, but whoever it was had a joke that was something like, "People attempt suicide, and then they get better. But isn't that just one more thing they've failed at?"

Well in that case I rate his post funny! Because I think things like that are funny, but I've trained myself not to say them.

GasBandit said:

That was downright PatrThomian.

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I make sure not to post even half the stuff that comes into my head.
Oh, the opportunities I've passed up...

Also, if I feel like what someone really needs is a good swift kick, I'll be right there to er, urge them along.

--Patrick

If you aren't enjoying things you used to enjoy, you can't remember when life was enjoyable, and you don't believe it can change in the future, you should recognize these as signs of possible depression.

If it is depression, know that it isn't necessarily something you can change, control, or even objectively evaluate without help. Further, you won't feel like getting help.

Get help.

Get help.

Get help.

Did we mention "Get help"?

jwhouk said:

Did we mention "Get help"?

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And in case you don't see the point, don't think it'll do any good, isn't enough, or don't see any way/option to do so, get help.