Ladies - Getting your MRS degree in college

[GasBandit]

So. This article popped up on WSJ late last week that's had kind of a comments firestorm. At first I had one reaction to the article, while reading the comments I had another, and now I'm not really sure what I think about it one way or the other.

Basically, it's an opinion piece (by a female author) encouraging young women to find a husband while they are in college. I know, I know, I scoffed at first too. But she, and the commenters, made some points that I found hard to refute. When you're 20-30, the guys are looking for 20-30 year olds. When you're 30-40, the guys are looking for 20-30 year olds. When you're 40-50, the guys are looking for 20-30 year olds. It's not that it's impossible, it's that it's a lot more difficult and the pool of potentials is a lot smaller.

Anyway, before I dig the hole too much deeper on a subject about which I must confess to knowing startlingly little (I didn't date a whole lot, and met my match early in life and ironically she never went to college and was 8 years older than me.. that's right, I didn't pass the Age/2+7 test for her! Shocking eh?), I'll just say I'm posting this here because I want to hear what the rest of you think about it, especially our female halforumites, and maybe engender a discussion.

 

[Cajungal]

Here's what I agree with: It's definitely good for women to feel unashamed in their desire for a husband and family. That's not anti-feminism or anything. It's just a choice, and they should feel ok about pursuing it. I don't know much about dating in your late 20s and 30s except from what I hear from my friends. We're in a smaller city where it is getting harder and harder to lock someone down. But that doesn't mean it's the same all over. People meet in all kinds of ways.

The idea of wanting to be married and have kids while not having a SO is just strange to me personally. Until I started dating, I planned out my life as if I were going to be alone. When I realized that I liked the relationship I was in, I considered how that would change my plans. The idea of making plans with people you don't even know yet (and might never exist) escapes me.

I think she's not giving men enough credit regarding women who make more than they do. That seems to be an issue that's getting to be less of... well... an issue. Finding an intellectual equal is a better point, but that's also making a pretty big assumption. There are couples out there who connect on other levels and are fine with not talking about some things together. My dad is incredibly intelligent on many different subjects. My mom's world view is a bit smaller, but she still shares many things with my dad. She'll listen when he expresses interest in something, too, even if it's not something she herself is excited about. That, IMO, is more important than actually having the same intelligence. Are you willing to support someone you love and show excitement for them? For some people, intelligence is really important, and that is also perfectly fine.

I totally disagree that every relationship that doesn't go slow will end in a guy not committing. Some people click faster, and it actually works. There's no one formula for relationship success. It's also kind of shitty to assume that smart = went to college. Intelligent people are everywhere, and the sooner people stop equating human value with how much student loan debt you're in, the better.

Bottom line, anyone who uses the phrase "biological clock" to convince women to find a mate is obnoxious to me.... but I see the point she's making. I just think that she's making a lot of generalizations to arrive there. But it is true that there are a lot of single people in a university setting who probably share your interests. Why not shop around, as long as you're also doing what people are supposed to be doing at a university?

 

[Celt Z]

Cajungal makes a lot of points I would agree with. I'm going to add a perspective having spent college and post-college in major cities/metropolitan areas: Out of 22 currently married couples in our circle of friends, only 1 was dating in college. It seems that those of us who were dating in college found that our relationships didn't make it in "the real world", so to speak. While you may be receiving a similar education as your classmates (a claim the author makes I find dubious, because that may only apply to a small set of circumstances. Even in Ivy League, your educational experience can vary greatly depending on your major), you are still in a somewhat-insulated bubble do to partial support from your parents (or whomever is paying for your education*), not to mention an insular campus, housing, etc. It seemed in our area people who had similar job prospects or careers that took them in the same direction and/or geographical location were the ones that lasted.
Education is extremely important for whatever direction your life is taking you, and having enough shared interests can really effect the long-term potential of a couple. But I think a key to not only getting married but having that marriage survive the test of time is a couple being in agreement about how they want to make their life.


(*If you are completely self-supporting your education, this may vary a bit.)

 

[Bubble181]

Eh. I think the same is partially true for men: college/university is the last time in your life you're likely to meet such a big group of singles who have at least some aspects in common with you. At work, you're only confronted by a relatively small group of colleagues (and dating a colleague is usually a bad idea anyway), spread out over far more age categories. College is the easiest place in your life to meet someone in the same age bracket with probably a similar education or education level, with a socially acceptable night life and dating scene. Aiming this more squarely at women because, generally, they're more interested in the long term commitment is a bit of a prejudice, I guess.
But really, you can easily meet your partner a dozen different other ways. As a 50-year-old, that probably won't be a campus bar, but so what?

 

[Espy]

Oh shit this article is funny: "You should be spending far more time planning for your husband than for your career"
"Could you marry a man who isn't your intellectual or professional equal? Sure. But…"
"And if you start to earn more than he does? Forget about it."

WOW. Any good points that might be hidden in that article can't overcome the amount of horrible in it.

 

[WasabiPoptart]

This piece of advice I find to be true and worthwhile:

So what's a smart girl to do? Start looking early and stop wasting time dating men who aren't good for you: bad boys, crazy guys and married men.

When I decided it was time for me to be serious about settling down I made up my mind to do just this. It was pointless to waste my time dating someone for months (or years) when the reality was that we had no future together. If I couldn't see myself with him, and all of his baggage, and having children with him then I knew it was not going to work. I think a lot of people, male and female, believe if they just tough it out while they are dating everything will get better. Relationships are work, true. But I always say if you allow it to happen when you're dating, it will continue when you get married. There are some things that just don't work out or go away no matter how you address the issue, no matter how much you care about the other person.

 

[Adam]

Smart girls, apply within!