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May Contest time!

This is a haiku.
Five syllables then seven
Then five more. get it?


It's that easy, folks. I'm going for funny, sublime or full of imagery. Anything is on the table.

Multiple entries are perfectly okay.
NO topic is out of bounds.
If not a haiku (5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables) your entry will be disqualified.
Entries must be on three lines with the 5/7/5 setup as I've put as an example above.
The contest will end on Friday May 28 and a winner will be chosen by June 11.
The prize will be a copy of the soon-to-be-compiled book of Halforums' writings contest entries!

So poets...start your [STRIKE]engines[/STRIKE] haiku!

Ripped from the pages of Dangerously Low On Grog:

Parenting: A Haiku

Kids sharing bath time
When my daughter says the words,
"Hey, there's poop in here".

I am a Shih Tzu.
I bark at the door, always.
My Master shouts with Joy!

Dedicated to my dad and the dog.

Haiku are simple
But they often don't make sense
Hippopotamus

Warm corn tortilla
beans, corn, peppers, and onions
Poem 'bout my dinner

A Haiku contest?
I wonder what I should write?
Wow, they write themselves!

You're a bitch bitch bitch
Knock knock? Who's there? It's you,
All being a bitch.

^Based on an earlier rant. Too much?

bottles stand sentry
glass soldiers in every room
her pillow, untouched

I am in before
The haiku purists who will
ruin all the fun

I have ninety nine
problems but a bitch is not
counted among them

Did you see watchmen
You would for sure remember
there was that blue dick

Beer beer beer beer beer,
Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer,
Beer beer beer beer, Scotch.

I want to enter
but I am not creative
this is all I've got

Halforums is home
to big and small, old and young
together as one.

Lo! A Challenge, posed.
Clever thoughts abound within.
Writers' block! Alas!

Notarized the will.
Death and Taxes come for me.
Who will get here first?

Get back from the door!
Overturn the furniture!
Quick! The Cops are here!

Toddler on his stool.
Water, water everywhere.
Who taught HIM to pee?

Screen is blurry now
Fingers tap the final keys
Manifesto...done!

Slam the trunk lid down!
Payments falling weeks behind?
Boss would like a 'chat.'

Wife is angry now.
Says I don't remember stuff.
Better write that down.

XBox Live is done.
Die-hard Halo 2 fans cling.
Only twelve remain.

Surfing all night long.
Internet is full of win!
Sleep? Who has the time?

Caffeinated drinks.
Blasting brain and bladder, both.
Keep me going. Wheeee!

(Want more? I gots more. Lots more.)

--Patrick

Dragon Ball Z Rocks
Vageta never shouts "It's
OVER NINE THOUSAND!"

New month. New contest.
but sadly I have no chance
Cause I really suck

Just two in the lift.
No hope for discretion here.
Still, the wind must break.

Halforums dot com
Come for the melodrama
and stay for the clique!

Sit at twirly desk
Sanitize ringing desk phone
Parrot canned answers

---------- Post added at 11:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:54 AM ----------

Forum truth or dare!
Come play. What, are you chicken?
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!

---------- Post added at 12:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:58 AM ----------

Bitter espresso
Kind of Blue, conversation
Comfy orange chairs

Cool wind, lush green grass
Wet sidewalks, birds singing songs
Spring, glad you are here

Tomatoes, chilies,
garlic, onions, and some lime
It is salsa time!

A new day at work
Time to get stuff done for once
Why am I still here?


new electronics
So new so clean so shiny
That's why I am broke

Fine, take my woman,
But throwing barrels is rude.
God damned dirty ape.

Haunted by colors
I run my dotted mazes
taking strength from pills.

Through slotted helmet
I face my opponent's lance
And spur my ostrich.

Baby took my keys.
Where the flying fuck are they?
How embarrassing.

To survive, I have
steeled myself against the world.
When she smiles, I break.

This haiku sucks balls.
I don't think it's very good...
I shall try again.

This is Halforums;
Phoenix of the abandoned,
And so it did rise.

The Fallen Empire,
Taken by the commonwealth.
We rebel to save.

A war-scarred Hero,
Scared by an ancient world
He used to call "Home."

It is pitch black. You
are likely to be eaten
by a grue. > Go north.

It's past my bed time...
I'll be back with more haikus,
but now I must rest.

Hate is my ally
Rage, my tool; pain, my servant
The Force, my weapon

I see you no more
Lost far away from our home
Come back to the light

YO up up down down
left right left right b a start
That's old school beeyatch

I'm going for funny, sublime or full of imagery. Anything is on the table.

Click to expand...

Anything, huh? Hmm...

Yay! The wedding's done.
Now our child will be legit.
Fuck you, Mom and Dad!

Dude! Your Dad is here!
Drop a trash can on his head.
Wyld Stallyns rule!

Farming gold in WoW
I take home six bucks a day
for my twelve hours' work.

Pile up those briquettes!
Soak 'em good with gasoline!
Where'd my eyebrows go?

Toward the murky depths.
Lungs are burning, vision blurs.
Damn, these knots are good.

Envelope for me?
Says here I've been called to serve.
Honey! Pack my things!

Grown men with balloons.
Painted lips call kiddies near.
Clowns are creepy, man.

Bullets in my bag.
Tons for them and one for me.
Either way, I'm set.

Earwax on my thumb.
No idea where it's from.
Doesn't taste like mine!

Neighbor with a gun
Running 'round his yard at night.
Damn PTSD.

My car's something else.
Gets 300 MPG
Only downhill, though.

Powder 'round his nose
Keeps him going day and night
Guy's a donut freak.

Health care on the tube.
Fuck that shit! I'm off to dine.
Crave case, here I come!

--Patrick

Cyclops is stupid.
"Optic Blast!" and all that shit.
What a frikkin douche.

A haiku from my husband to MvC2.

Why do I exist?
Was I created by chance,
or for a purpose?

photographed the house
boxes in the blood red dirt
my mausoleum

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a series of haiku I call:
"A Chase"

Crimson, Sapphire
Lights play over your car.
"Press hard, five copies."

"Dispatch, one running!"
Adrenaline dump, heart pounds.
Cannot crash again.

"He's south, at the fence!"
Oh God, just around the bend.
Unbuckle, get set.

There he is! Bastard!
Sees me and his eyes widen.
Gotcha now, dirty.

"Get on the ground now!"
Sweaty shirt, heaving breaths wheeze.
"Why'd you run?" "I's scared."

Click-click. Get him up.
Pursuing officer shows.
Crap, my ticket book!

Halforums; shelter
for nerds, crazies and others
their emblem: durrface

Halforums' Durr Face.
In a state of constant pain
for what it's seen here.

Night out on the town.
Morn brings aches and pains and moans.
Yet the smile lives.

fuck my pulp, eat it
pulp my fuck, suck it, harder
juices on my skin

Whoa! Amy's haiku
has given me a woodie!
It's about fruit, right?

pulp and platelets are
what i need no juice, plasma
desired, kthx

---------- Post added at 04:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:16 PM ----------

dave needs viagra
to get half stock these days
ha ha ha ha ha

---------- Post added at 04:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:17 PM ----------

did you realize that
my cat is freaking insane
incessant scratching

---------- Post added at 04:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:18 PM ----------

'juski loves achewood
and other various 'toons
that are relevant

haiku are fun, dogg
seven syllables go here
so much fun to make

You park like a bitch.
The bitchiest bitchy-bitch.
No, I won't retract.

retract now fun size!
i'm not completely a bitch
just one on TV

The poet proclaimed,
"Bitches don't know 'bout haiku"
dropped the mic and walked.

Haiku ukiah
the poem backwards to me
does not always work.

Home renovations.
A pop in my back, painful.
Thank God for Robax.

Women writers, huh?
The basis for college course
Is what's in the crotch.

Say something profound.
"God is a getaway car"
I fucking did it.

----------------

To the seventh tier,
I seek some motivation.
... The muses hate me

----------------

Jesus came to me.
He told me to write this down.
He likes bad poems.

----------------

This isn't clever.
It results of mild boredom.
Oh so poetic.

----------------

This all really sucks.
What was I talking about?
I don't remember.

----------------

One two three four five.
I'm too tired to be clever
God I hate exams.

----------------


That was a lovely break from studying. Back to reading up on ancient Greek art. Really fascinating stuff. I would enjoy it more if my degree weren't on the line.

I love history when it's not a class. The History Channel is fabulous. My monotone art history professor is not.

Haiku are groovy.
Short. Always right to the point.
Like angry midgets.

Judging is SO hard
When you have fifteen-hundred
small poems to read.

---------- Post added at 09:01 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:59 AM ----------

Eels are in your butt.
I'll bet Gas has a picture.
Cajungal is weird.

Give me twenty bucks
And I will help you read them.
You're weirder, old man!

Oh shit! Haiku fight!
CajunGal will surely lose.
No ammo in gun.

I jump on Dave's head
Crush him like a green koopa
Don't need no damn gun

Social norms, indeed,
But that's not what I meant with
"Your ass breaks morays".

Cajungal said:

I jump on Dave's head
Crush him like a green koopa
Don't need no damn gun

Click to expand...

You jump on my face?
As much as this excites me -
You need to wash that.


(Oh SNAP!!)

:shocked:

I'm good at insults
whether its haiku or not.
Come get some, bitches!

I am the sex God
here to eat out your moral
bitches be trippin'

"Leave me alone please.
I don't want to haiku you.
Go back to your boards."

A response from my husband when I asked him for a haiku.

Dave;381815][QUOTE=Cajungal said:

I jump on Dave's head
Crush him like a green koopa
Don't need no damn gun

Click to expand...

You jump on my face?
As much as this excites me -
You need to wash that.


(Oh SNAP!!)[/QUOTE]

I'll get right on that
Soon as you dab the week-old
Sweat from your man-boobs

Forumites talk smack
Battle of old versus young
And both have boobies

Battlefield of love.
Power balance seems askew.
You have all the breasts.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
God Dammity damn god damn
I just stubbed my pinky toe

yawn yawn smack smack stretch
wake up, stand up, shower up
work, work, sleep, repeat

Three steps from the hearth.
Two eyes fixed on stockings hung.
One small heart, pounding.

Laundry day, again.
Down the stairs with sack in hand
Naked as a babe.

Credit cards galore!
What? My interest rates have changed?
Time to eBay stuff.

Former CEO
Stands before me saying thus:
"You want fries with that?"

People of WalMart
Rotten dot com and 4chan
Pass the eyebleach, please.

Dancing bologna
Slowing my computer down
Thanks a lot, Hylian*

Valspeak grates on me.
Like, "fer sure," and all that junk
Gag me with a spoon

Woman from Venus
Joined up with this man from Mars
Orbiting the son

Floored with great effort
Soft, sheer curtains brush deep pile.
High quality shag

Finger on the nub
Flicking hard and fast, then still.
Dude, your mouse wheel's broke.

--Patrick

*I always count a dipthong as a single syllable.

Totally mis-parsed
The intent of that last one.
Got it. Nice one, Pat!

The greatest of gifts
One gives an arrogant man
Is disappointment

Slight scent of ozone
And char-broiled brains fills the air:
Made him think too hard.

Nose won't stop running
And they say that my feet smell.
I'm built upside down.

Down and out am I
I do not write good haiku
too many syllables

Small, merciful drugs
Trade my bowling ball head for
sleeplessness. Hungry.

Enter the nursery.
Gasp and laugh at what is seen.
His diaper...is gone.

Enter old folk's home.
Gasp and laugh at what is seen.
His diaper...is gone.

I need some brain bleach
Cannot unsee what I saw
Dave without his pants

Wondering, musing
Some things are best left alone:
Why think of Dave, Gen?

Foot up in the air
My mouth waters, not for food
But rich pecan ale

Nighttime brings the hunt
Repeated time after time
No dirties found yet.

hwell:

Sees others my age
Happily married with kids
My dream, unfulfilled

Sees others my age
Free to pursue their desires
Grass always greener

The dull moans echo.
All around me, shuffling feet.
Soon I am brainless.

"He took my remote!
I can't watch my episodes!"
Ma'am, you're drunk. Shut up.

Slick warm goo dripping
From my lips and down my chin
As I brush my teeth

these pointless haiku
irrelevant numbers game
echoes of my life

Soft sunlight rolls in
The color of my omelet
Sleep is for the dead.

Corpses are rising
Zombies, not dead or alive
Oh look! There's grandma!

Steam curls rising up
Warm earthy scented liquid
Good morning coffee

Last week of contest.
Monday is a holiday
in the U.S.A.

Get in your entries.
or lose out on the prizes.
Well, 1 prize - a book!

An urgent message
The contest is at an end
I must win the prize

I shall surely lose
For I lack creativeness
So I play for fun

Swollen belly grows
Filled with promise of new life
Fatherhood comes soon

Swollen belly shrinks
Sloughing off like melting ice
P90X hurts

Swollen chest grows
Filled with the promise of new life
Chest-burster appears!

/sorry Off. Charon!

Swollen trousers grow.
Filled with badly timed passion.
I hate speech giving.

swollen swelling swells
ever bigger it will grow
until pop! all gone

May's about to end.
Guess I should make more haikus.
Nah, maybe later.

for more time with him
all the prizes in the world
i would gladly spurn

Moment of pleasure
Forgot instantly due to
The sting in his eye

Who? What? Where? When? Why?
Doesn't really matter now
I am just babbling

tears of moon white hue
traitorous body fails him
memory haunts him.

Weeping little one,
what troubles you so, my dove?
Lay your burdens down.

Xiaofang's signature
Song and images so weird
my brain is broken

Dave is not that old
I mean come on guys for real
perspective is key

what the hell is this
bug all up in my face yo
get the fuck out man

I swear to god man
If that cat bites me again
I swear to god man

Got to find a job
But who would hire me, bro?
Time to kiss some ass

Hit up the forums
First return in thirteen days
Nine-hundred new posts...

Now Gary Coleman
Can finally find some peace
Resting three feet deep.

whoa there man, Fun Size.
Don't take this the wrong way but
too soon man, too soon.

Okay! The winners have finally been chosen! Jesus this one was hard! In the end there were enough entries that I've got TWO winners!

Here's how the winners were chosen.

1. I printed out the haiku without names.
2. Alphabetized them all by first line.
3. Sorted them by serious and humorous.
4. Gave them to coworkers and others to tell me their top 3 favorites from both. Best score wins.

As it turns out, we had a tie in both categories! So I found a couple people who had not seen them and kept at it until I had my two winners.

Humorous:

FUN SIZE!!

Kids sharing bath time
When my daughter says the words,
"Hey, there's poop in here!"

Click to expand...

This entry was the overall favorite and tied with another that also turned out to be Fun Size.

Serious:

B.T.!!

tears of white hue
traitorous body fails him
memory haunts him.

Click to expand...

Some comments I got were along the lines of, "My grandfather was a WWII vet and he just wasted away. It infuriated him that he couldn't take care of himself and the very act of losing this control made him want to give up. This poem reminds me of him."

The one this was initially tied with? PatrThom's poem about kids on Christmas morning.

Three steps from the hearth.
Two eyes fixed on stockings hung.
One small heart, pounding.

Click to expand...

So congrats, Fun Size and B.T.! When I finally finish getting the Halforums Anthology together you will get a free copy of your very own!

Man, I did not win.
Hope I do better next time.
Vengeance will be mine!

Woo-hoo! I almost won something!

--Patrick

Weird. I can't edit my previous post. The word 'edit' just sits there with a spinning animation and does nothing.

EDIT: Ok, edit seems to work on MSIE (PC), just not Safari (Mac).
EDIT 2: Actually works for both, just need to click on 'edit' twice. First one just stalls.

Just wanted to add...while dreaming up all the haiku I posted during the contest, I discovered that I felt most satisfied/fulfilled with the ones which described/hinted at/promised the most. The ones which set the most scene with the fewest words, raised the most questions, promised the most potential, etc. The ones which tied up the greatest amount of scene setting with the flimsiest of thread. That XMas one, for instance, was supposed to not only set the scene, but also hint at the anticipation/countdown happening inside the kid's head. As someone who is addicted to optimization (efficient code, packing density, etc), it ended up being an unexpected epiphany of sorts, discovered in an unlikely location.

Always be aware.
Growth can happen anywhere.
Happy accidents.

--Patrick

Yeah, I've noticed that edit problem.

Also, congrats to Fun Size! That entry was one of my favorites, too.

By the way, Patr, it looks like you may be the winner after all. Since B.T. won for the serious category, it has come to light that people are misreading her entry. It wasn't about going old and blind and frail while your mind is still sharp....IT'S ABOUT CALLEJA!!

Unfair! Dave is a biased judge! FunSize's entry contains poop and we all know how much Dave loves poop! :lol:

Lol.

Woot! Tell me the Gary Coleman one was the runner up please.

Nah. If B.T. won it, give it. There's more contests coming and more I can stretch with.

--Patrick

PatrThom said:

Nah. If B.T. won it, give it. There's more contests coming and more I can stretch with.

--Patrick

Click to expand...

I declined because I liked yours better.