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Yesterday I received news my cousin has passed away from stage 4 cancer they only discovered two weeks ago.

This has left me in quite a weird state, not because we were particularly close (we weren't), but we are fairly close in age. With me being 38 and him being 5 years older, my mortality is suddenly looking me right in the face and saying "your move, jackass."

It is very uncomfortable. I've always thought of death of people I knew as a disconnected thing, not really concerning me directly. Now, though, it has hit me that I am entering a part of my life where more often than not I will lose more people I care about than I will gain.

I guess I'm not sure how to handle it.

Anyone else feel this way or go (going) through something similar?

Krisken said:

Anyone else feel this way or go (going) through something similar?

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All the time.

My youngest grandparent didn't die until age 85, so I got that going for me. Also I have no siblings to unexpectedly die and my parents (all 3 of them) are still around. I had an uncle die when I was young, but it was when I was very young and I didn't know him that well so it was more a story than an event.
However:
One of my high school classmates died of cancer before he even graduated (this was probably the first human mortality wake-up event in my life). Another classmate was killed during the summer after getting off a bus and being hit by a car. The neighbor died and I went to her funeral (and a decade or so later, to her husband's funeral). And then I really didn't hear much from the Reaper again until the grandparents thing started. More recently, my mother-in-law died suddenly and unexpectedly which hit very close. After that, I started really noticing how old my parents were, and how old I am getting (according to my license, at least).

Strangely, though, instead of making me fearful, it has felt more to me like just a reminder. Yes, there's an end coming, and it keeps drawing nearer, and I'm becoming more aware of that fact as time passes, but it hasn't started feeling hopeless or unnatural. If anything, it has started to feel more like the opposite. There's an end coming, it's gonna come, it might come when I'm not ready, and that's just the way it'll be. I haven't been buried in other people's deaths for it to feel like some sort of horror movie where a sadistic, unseen entity starts killing everyone around me in an attempt to get me to break down. Instead, it's almost like just enough people are going to keep the idea in my head, so that I won't forget. It feels very nonspecific and patternless, which is reassuring because that reinforces the idea that it's very obviously not targeted in any way. But yes, I have noticed that the rate is increasing.

--Patrick

I turn 50 in a month. Nah, I don't get what you are saying AT ALL!

Seriously, though, I don't know my medical history so I could drop dead tomorrow of something hereditary. Sometimes it's best not to know.

I've already outlived my mother by about five years.

Krisken said:

I guess I'm not sure how to handle it.

Anyone else feel this way or go (going) through something similar?

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You could see if your insurance would cover a cancer screening, since you have a family history.

I want to know if @Tress has anything to add to this thread.

I kind of have to agree with Dave. I know too much about my current health and hereditary issues. Ignorance would be bliss

Beginning at age ten with a brother whose bomber did not quite make it home, I have lost four brothers, (Three heart attacks.) Father, (Stroke.) and Mother (Old age and severe arthritis.). Last October I had a slight heart attack and had a stent fitted, and now have various tablets daily to reduce the chance of another, and last week I learned that I have to have a biopsy on my Prostate.
Does this make me worry about the future? No way.*
Start looking on the bright side of life. When your time comes you will know soon enough.

* Being a member of this Forum might throw some doubt on my mental health!

PatrThom said:

I want to know if @Tress has anything to add to this thread.

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I had two friends from high school die within the last 3 months. That's on top of the other three who have died since we graduated over the last 10 years. Three car accidents, one aneurysm, and one nasty bout of brain cancer... I just have this feeling like life is too short for some of us. It's terrifying. I used to dread death from a selfish point of view, but now that I have a family I'm terrified. What would happen to them if it was me who wrapped my car around a tree last night?

At the moment I'm hyper-aware of how fragile we all are, and how we can suddenly be gone in an instant.

Grytpipe-Thynne said:

* Being a member of this Forum might throw some doubt on my mental health!

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There is no doubt.

Dave said:

I turn 50 in a month. Nah, I don't get what you are saying AT ALL!

Seriously, though, I don't know my medical history so I could drop dead tomorrow of something hereditary. Sometimes it's best not to know.

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I dunno man, I've heard its all downhill after the 50th decade.

My mother had a rough time when she turned 62, her sister, mother and many many aunts all died at or before 62. It was like 62 was a magic number for two generations of her family. Her grandmother lived to 96 and out lived all her daughters, and a couple of grand daughters. None of my mothers siblings made it past 62 either. She is doing well for a woman of her generation to make it to 76 so far, and for a woman that has been obese for nearly all of her adult life.

My Dad will likely make it to 100, unless his doctors screw up his medication AGAIN. They damn near killed him with drug interactions last year. He will be 87 this fall.

I think that I'll be in the 62 club too. And it scares me that I can not retire until I am 64.

blotsfan said:

I dunno man, I've heard its all downhill after the 50th decade.

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Decades? Centuries

Thing is, all of my blood-relative aunts and uncles, and my dad, are all still living as of this post. My one uncle's death last month was the first outside of my immediate family (other than my grandparents).

Right now, the average age of my parents and aunts and uncles is 70; my one aunt who just lost her husband is 79.

Gruebeard said:

Decades? Centuries

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Centuries? Millenia

Thanks everyone. I appreciate you sharing your own experiences and making fun of Dave. It's cheered me up a bit

Krisken said:

Yesterday I received news my cousin has passed away from stage 4 cancer they only discovered two weeks ago.

This has left me in quite a weird state, not because we were particularly close (we weren't), but we are fairly close in age. With me being 38 and him being 5 years older, my mortality is suddenly looking me right in the face and saying "your move, jackass."

It is very uncomfortable. I've always thought of death of people I knew as a disconnected thing, not really concerning me directly. Now, though, it has hit me that I am entering a part of my life where more often than not I will lose more people I care about than I will gain.

I guess I'm not sure how to handle it.

Anyone else feel this way or go (going) through something similar?

Click to expand...

My uncle died recently and suddenly. In response I bought a motorcycle. He was an avid Harley guy, and he always talked about how he wanted to go cruising with me.


(Don't start with the motorcycle safety spiel, folks. I realize there's inherent danger involved, but fuck it, I'm not going to live my life in fear and regret.)

I lost my maternal grandparents, several great-aunts and great-uncles, an aunt (my mom's only sister), and a few former classmates in the span of a decade. My parents are in their late-60s and early 70s. Death is inevitable. I don't fear it or worry about it. Concentrate on making the most of the time you have.

I came out at the tail end of the AIDS crisis, so....

Unfortunately, I was made aware of death very early because of my leukemia. One of my first long hospital stays after I was diagnosed on my fourth birthday was at the children's hospital in Seattle. There was a girl there who was about seven years old staying in a room a few doors down from me. She also had leukemia, but she was in the later stages of it with a bald head and everything. My parents got to know her parents, and every once in awhile I would sneak out of my room to go play Connect 4 with her. She always beat me, though. A few months after I left the hospital, we got word that the little girl had succumbed to the disease. It was the first time I realized just how serious the thing I was going through was. It was also the first time I questioned the fairness of life, seeing how she was only a little girl yet she had already had her life taken from her.

Krisken said:

Anyone else feel this way or go (going) through something similar?

Click to expand...

Yes.
Id like to get off the ride now.

My parents have lost three friends in the past 4 years to pancreatic cancer alone. I've noticed for the past year that they're saying no to more of the stupid work functions and saying yes to traveling with friends and cooking at home together. Nothing like that level of perspective to make you focus on what you want.

One that really hit me with feelings of mortality was when my friend and mentor Harold Raemer died. If the name sounds vaguely familiar, he was one of the fathers of modern radar. What got me about it was that a) as an emeritus professor, he was shoved into an office with me, a post-doc at the time, like he was so much used goods, and that b) he was extremely active and healthy. You'd never guess he was in his 80s from the look of him. He went to the gym every day. But cancer doesn't care. He went from diagnosis to the grave in weeks, which is scary as hell.

Tress said:

I used to dread death from a selfish point of view, but now that I have a family I'm terrified. What would happen to them if it was me who wrapped my car around a tree last night?

At the moment I'm hyper-aware of how fragile we all are, and how we can suddenly be gone in an instant.

Click to expand...

That is exactly how I feel. I don't have term life insurance setup and my family would be screwed if I croaked. Since I had a child (and another coming soon) I am almost neurotic about it. I think about it way, way too often.

I also lost a h.s. (and neighbor) to flippin' brain cancer a few months back. He was two years younger than me and has a 7 year old son and a wife. I think about his son often. Life seems super fragile and way too flipping short.

I remember another one that got me. One of my wife's fellow police academy grads at the Bryan PD dropped dead while running one day. While frickin' running. He was healthy as a horse, but had a congenital aorta weakness he didn't know about.

I've been dealing with this kind of thought a lot the last couple years. Pauline's death threw the transience of life in general into stark relief for me. And earlier this week, my underling pointed out I'm starting to go grey at the temples. Nnnnygh. I can't be a grey haired widower, I'm only 19! ... I mean... 36. Really, that's the rub of it. Until moderately recently, my brain has held on to my self-image of who I was when I was a teenager. That's kind of eroded away to dust, now.

GasBandit said:

I've been dealing with this kind of thought a lot the last couple years. Pauline's death threw the transience of life in general into stark relief for me. And earlier this week, my underling pointed out I'm starting to go grey at the temples. Nnnnygh. I can't be a grey haired widower, I'm only 19! ... I mean... 36. Really, that's the rub of it. Until moderately recently, my brain has held on to my self-image of who I was when I was a teenager. That's kind of eroded away to dust, now.

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When my dad was my age he... had been dead for 6 months. (Which explains the "hoping to see 47".)

But really, when he and my mom got married, he already had a Wallace Shawn/Dick Vitale hairline. I may have started to go grey in my 20s, but I still have a full head of hair. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Man, I have 2 parents who grayed early, I was doomed. I've been coloring for years. My mom eventually gave up trying to keep her red and starting coloring blond. I will not let that happen!!!!!

I'm a diabetic hypochondriac who smoked for half his life and struggles with general panic disorder, so yeah, I know the worry - I just have to remind myself that I have a full battery of blood tests every 3 months and that aside from my blood sugar, everything looks groovy. The history of stroke and cancer in my family is fairly concerning though.

Dei said:

Man, I have 2 parents who grayed early, I was doomed. I've been coloring for years. My mom eventually gave up trying to keep her red and starting coloring blond. I will not let that happen!!!!!

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Yeah, so I saw the brofist reading on you post, and I said to myself "I betcha I know who that was"


I did.



(Although I'm half-surprised it wasn't Bubbles)

Gruebeard said:

Yeah, so I saw the brofist reading on you post, and I said to myself "I betcha I know who that was"


I did.

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You know it.

Pauline surprised me by dying her hair blonde once.



Once.

I had that blonde chunk in my hair for most of the summer for the hell of it and my husband damn near rebelled. [emoji14]

Guys, I think the overarching theme of this thread is: life is fleeting. Live it up.

Also forgive and forget. I still regret North Ranger passing before we could bury the hatchet.

It's good to see you Chaz @Mathias. Hope you're well, sir.

Gruebeard said:

(Although I'm half-surprised it wasn't Bubbles)

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...hadn't visited this thread in a few days. Short on time, being out of country and off line for a while. So-rry


While I'm very much *aware* of the shortness and fleetingness of life (I'm 30 and I have life insurance and all of my high-cost loans have early death clauses on them in favor of my girlfriend or parents), my fears are much more towards the "suddenly become disabled" variety than the "suddenly dead" type. If I wrap my car around a pylon tomorrow and I'm dead...Well, so be it. I've thought about suicide often enough that my dying early and leaving people sin't something that worries or scares me.
Suddenly being crippled, blind, deaf, or - far worse - mentally handicapped, as in early onset Alzheimers, Parkinson, what-have-you? That scares the willies out of me. It could happen to anyone, at any time - a stroke, something congenital, a short time of blood or oxygen deprivation for the brain, and huzzah, you no longer have a short term memory. Or you can't speak anymore. Or you're locked in. Or you start slowly regressing to a four-year-old - all the while aware of what you're losing.
I'll take the quick smash against a wall or bridge or something over that any day.

And geeze, I was balding at 14, graying at 16. It's really lucky being completely shaven bald went from "neo-nazi and completely unacceptable" to "cool/rugged manly" over the past decade. I don't even shave the top of my head anymore, there's not even fuzz growing there

Bubble181 said:

...hadn't visited this thread in a few days. Short on time, being out of country and off line for a while. So-rry


While I'm very much *aware* of the shortness and fleetingness of life (I'm 30 and I have life insurance and all of my high-cost loans have early death clauses on them in favor of my girlfriend or parents), my fears are much more towards the "suddenly become disabled" variety than the "suddenly dead" type. If I wrap my car around a pylon tomorrow and I'm dead...Well, so be it. I've thought about suicide often enough that my dying early and leaving people sin't something that worries or scares me.
Suddenly being crippled, blind, deaf, or - far worse - mentally handicapped, as in early onset Alzheimers, Parkinson, what-have-you? That scares the willies out of me. It could happen to anyone, at any time - a stroke, something congenital, a short time of blood or oxygen deprivation for the brain, and huzzah, you no longer have a short term memory. Or you can't speak anymore. Or you're locked in. Or you start slowly regressing to a four-year-old - all the while aware of what you're losing.
I'll take the quick smash against a wall or bridge or something over that any day.

And geeze, I was balding at 14, graying at 16. It's really lucky being completely shaven bald went from "neo-nazi and completely unacceptable" to "cool/rugged manly" over the past decade. I don't even shave the top of my head anymore, there's not even fuzz growing there

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Regarding the fear of disability, you may find the following concept reassuring (as I did): The Hedonic Treadmill

Denbrought said:

Regarding the fear of disability, you may find the following concept reassuring (as I did): The Hedonic Treadmill

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So no matter how lucky I get, I'll go back to being as unhappy as I'm now? Oh joy of joys

Bubble181 said:

So no matter how lucky I get, I'll go back to being as unhappy as I'm now? Oh joy of joys

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Hey. I'm sitting at a bar, having just got off work. Behind me, there's about 20 of my coworkers all sitting together that I'm trying to ignore . . .wait, what am I trying to say?


I don't know. But what I do know is that I spend eight hours each day around people I don't want to be around.


I still don't know what I'm trying to say.

Gruebeard said:

Hey. I'm sitting at a bar, having just got off work. Behind me, there's about 20 of my coworkers all sitting together that I'm trying to ignore . . .wait, what am I trying to say?


I don't know. But what I do know is that I spend eight hours each day around people I don't want to be around.


I still don't know what I'm trying to say.

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...That you're looking for the Drunk Thread in an hour or so?

Gruebeard said:

Hey. I'm sitting at a bar, having just got off work. Behind me, there's about 20 of my coworkers all sitting together that I'm trying to ignore . . .wait, what am I trying to say?


I don't know. But what I do know is that I spend eight hours each day around people I don't want to be around.


I still don't know what I'm trying to say.

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No, the forum isn't going to hire you!

--Patrick

Bubble181 said:

...That you're looking for the Drunk Thread in an hour or so?

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No. I'm on my second and hopefully last (of the night) Guinness

Although my coworkers just bought me a shot, so I'm now tipsy.

(Which should make my bartender happy)