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On Friday, 20 March 2015, late at night, I took a bottle of pills. The following day, around noon, aspirating my own vomit, I was found, nearly dead. I rated a 3 on the Glasgow Coma Scale (that's bad.) and didn't wake up until around 18:00 Saturday, 21 March 2015. I was delirious until the next morning.

I was in a different psych ward from last time, for a couple of weeks, but this time around I am trying really hard to make some more drastic and real changes.

Firstly, I'm going to volunteer. I'm finding it hard to get a job, but I do have to do something to get out of the house.

Secondly, I'm looking harder for a job again.

I've signed up to be a part of a trial for deep brain stimulation, which is a surgery in which they implant electrodes into my brain to help with the depression. This is not a sure thing yet: I will be interviewed to see if I qualify later this month.

I know some of you may be disappointed or hurt. Something I am trying to come to terms with accepting is that my self-destructive behaviour is also outwardly destructive, and people besides myself suffer.

Most directly I apologize to @stienman, to whom I promised I would phone all of you before I ever again did something like this.

I am glad your are still with us, brother. Thank you for the update and I wish you a speedy recovery. I am glad you are trying some new things and I sincerely hope they help. I very selfishly want you to stay with us in every sense of the phrase.

Also, I hope you will keep us up to date on how these new things you are trying go.

Yeah Chad, I'm very glad you're still around. Stick around for a lot longer, will ya?

Chad Sexington said:

Firstly, I'm going to volunteer. I'm finding it hard to get a job, but I do have to do something to get out of the house.

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I think this is going to help a lot. I recently helped out at a food pantry and it was incredibly rewarding. I did some nice hard work that even left me a little sore and felt like I actually did something that mattered for a change. I really hope you find something that helps others and helps yourself in the process.

Hang in there, buddy.

If I were anywhere near you I would slap you so hard and hug you even harder.

I know we interact little, but I'm quite attached to you. I wish you the best and hope that you can get all of the help you need.

And I don't know if it matters a whole lot but we all love you Chad. For real.

Okay, well, I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone, but I love you and am sending all happy, good vibes your way. I wish so hard that there was more I could do for you. Or more I could do for everyone on these boards for that matter.

Huh. It took until the second read-through for me to realize that you were talking about a new attempt.
I don't know what it is that has pushed you to reach for that emergency stop cord yet again, but I wish you luck tracking it down, isolating it, and helping it discover why it repeatedly feels that this is the preferred solution.

--Patrick

Chad, my initial response to this news is to want to choose my words carefully, to avoid upsetting you, because obviously you're in a very troubling place right now. But at the same time, I think you should know the effect this has on others.

I'm upset. In fact, I was goddamn irate, though I waited a bit to cool off before writing this. I'm also relieved that you're ok, and deeply hurt, both that you would do this, and that things are still bad enough for you to feel like you need to do this.

I hope you are sincere about your attempts at recovery. One big step that would likely help in that recovery, that I notice you didn't list, would be to quit drinking, and seek help in that regard as well. You've mentioned before your problems with alcoholism, and I doubt it's helping in any of this.

We all care about, Chad. Thank you for the update. I also want to emphasize what Poe said about your drinking. You need help with this and I hope you are getting it. I wanted to mention it to you previously, but I feel like I am not your mother/therapist/keeper/etc. and you are an adult who understands consequences. I do hope whatever treatment you and your doctors agree to try does give you relief. We are here for you whenever you need us.

Ravenpoe said:

Chad, my initial response to this news is to want to choose my words carefully, to avoid upsetting you, because obviously you're in a very troubling place right now. But at the same time, I think you should know the effect this has on others.

I'm upset. In fact, I was goddamn irate, though I waited a bit to cool off before writing this. I'm also relieved that you're ok, and deeply hurt, both that you would do this, and that things are still bad enough for you to feel like you need to do this.

I hope you are sincere about your attempts at recovery. One big step that would likely help in that recovery, that I notice you didn't list, would be to quit drinking, and seek help in that regard as well. You've mentioned before your problems with alcoholism, and I doubt it's helping in any of this.

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Don't pull punches for my sake. I seldom do. I appreciate all honesty.

Pulling punches isn't for your sake. It's because punching someone when they are down is cowardly. Tough love works in some circumstances, depression isn't one of them.

My phone number (it's in the phone book so this is public record anyway) is 402-934-6952. I already have yours. I won't always know when to call, but you can always call me. Even if it's to vent or scream in frustration.

I've already expressed myself in a PM so I don't have to say anything else here, but damn it, man! If we could share your pain with you to lessen your burden we would. But we can't. All we can do is offer a shoulder to lean on when the world feels too heavy for you to carry alone.

Glad you're still around, sad you haven't yet been able to find your way around life, the universe, and everything. Also having trouble breaking out of the cliches to say how I feel, but, well, sorry 'bout that.
I do genuinely care to see you around and posting, and I hope you'll stick around and keep doing that, and other things. I haven't been as far down that road as you have, and I'm also fairly sure everyone's experiences are different; I wished there was some magical trick I could tell you to avoid feeling like this is the best or only way out or solution, but as I'm sure you're aware, there isn't one. Good luck in continuing to look for your way, though. Always remember there's lots of people around you who care about you, who care for you, whose lives would be a little less if you weren't around, and who honestly and seriously do wish the best for you. Big hugs, but I'll let Kags give those, you'll probably appreciate them more from her

Chad there are too many times in life that I wish that I could solve a problem for those that I care about. This is one of those times. I've gleaned some ideas about what kind of cat you are from your posts, and I think you should stick around. How about you stick around for at least 80 more trips around the sun, and then call it a day? Be well good sir.

Glad you're still with us, buddy. Now stick around, we're quite fond of ya. Enjoy the Kags hugs (and the slap, too, if that's your thing).

We all want you around, Chad.

I have to concur with everyone else who has stated that you really need to work on your drinking. I know from personal experience how hard it is, but alcohol will do nothing but exacerbate your depression. I know this from my own experiences with depression and alcoholism. You're obviously self medicating, but it's only going to lead you further down into that pit of despair.

Quitting the alcohol was my first step on regaining control of my life. It wasn't easy, but know that we are here for you. We wouldn't have gone through all the trouble we did the first time this happened if we didn't care. I also know that this may sound hollow coming from a bunch of talking heads on the internet, but I've learned through all that we've gone through as a community in the last couple of years that we're more than just a collection of people on a forum.

Noticing the post over in Random thread - anyone able to check on Chad to make sure all is well?