Talking to Family

Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Dad in review: said he was fine, but stopped calling, had a terse conversation a couple months back on my birthday.

I mentioned in the whine thread that I was reaching out to him yesterday, got voicemail.

He called this morning to let me know he's not comfortable with "all this" and we won't be seeing him when we visit the rest of the family in October.

At first I thought, you waited seven months to tell me? But maybe that's how long it took him to be honest with himself. It isn't like I told him when I was 16, though then he was freaking out that I might like boys.
In any case, I'm kinda relieved he opened up and said that. He said he didn't know how he needed to grow as a person, but before I could ask if he wanted to, he hurried off the phone.

I'm not sure where to go from here, or if I should let him have more time to contemplate. He's very much about amputating people from his life, such as his entire side of the family, but me being his kid makes that harder.
 
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Ravenpoe

Ravenpoe

Hailey Knight said:
Dad in review: said he was fine, but stopped calling, had a terse conversation a couple months back on my birthday.

I mentioned in the whine thread that I was reaching out to him yesterday, got voicemail.

He called this morning to let me know he's not comfortable with "all this" and we won't be seeing him when we visit the rest of the family in October.

At first I thought, you waited seven months to tell me? But maybe that's how long it took him to be honest with himself. It isn't like I told him when I was 16, though then he was freaking out that I might like boys.
In any case, I'm kinda relieved he opened up and said that. He said he didn't know how he needed to grow as a person, but before I could ask if he wanted to, he hurried off the phone.

I'm not sure where to go from here, or if I should let him have more time to contemplate. He's very much about amputating people from his life, such as his entire side of the family, but me being his kid makes that harder.
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I know it feels bad but I think this is a good thing. Honest communication is important, and if he's being honest with you, even if negative, it means he cares enough to do so. It's going to take time, and in the meantime do what Dave said and live your best life
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

It's unfortunate because I only get up there every couple years, but yes. I don't feel like babying a 58-year-old, and I'm too busy for it anyway. We'll see if anything changes in time.
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

Ravenpoe said:
I know it feels bad but I think this is a good thing. Honest communication is important, and if he's being honest with you, even if negative, it means he cares enough to do so. It's going to take time, and in the meantime do what Dave said and live your best life
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Him saying "I'm not comfortable with this" means he is somewhat accepting that it's on him to change. He's not calling you wrong, he's saying he's got issues accepting it.

Whether or not he'll be able to accept is his matter. He probably still loves you, but doesn't know how - a parent's relationship with a son is very different from that with a daughter - let alone a "none of the above"! Especially for people of that generation. Should he hug and kiss you like a daughter? Give you a high-five and a slap like a son? Treat you like the person you've always been, or as a totally new daughter he never knew he had? Should he mourn his son's passing?

I mean, I'm all in favor of people being who they're meant to be, but if my child suddenly told me they were becoming someone else (even if that's who they always were on the inside), I wouldn't really know how to cope, either. It's a situation with no easy socially approved handholds and rules.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Bubble181 said:
Him saying "I'm not comfortable with this" means he is somewhat accepting that it's on him to change. He's not calling you wrong, he's saying he's got issues accepting it.

Whether or not he'll be able to accept is his matter. He probably still loves you, but doesn't know how - a parent's relationship with a son is very different from that with a daughter - let alone a "none of the above"! Especially for people of that generation. Should he hug and kiss you like a daughter? Give you a high-five and a slap like a son? Treat you like the person you've always been, or as a totally new daughter he never knew he had? Should he mourn his son's passing?

I mean, I'm all in favor of people being who they're meant to be, but if my child suddenly told me they were becoming someone else (even if that's who they always were on the inside), I wouldn't really know how to cope, either. It's a situation with no easy socially approved handholds and rules.
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I can't know if he's pondering what he did or how he should behave because he doesn't want to talk about it. An easier answer to those questions, to him, might be not dealing with them by not seeing me. Same as how he handled problems with his siblings, by cutting them out of his life.

But admitting there's a problem is the first step to solving it, much better than pretending there isn't one.

I have therapy in two hours, so I'll probably be relaying all this again, woooooooo
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

New advice question! But sort of in the same category!

Julie and I made the decision a bit ago that we weren't going to talk to her family about my transition since they're pretty bigoted and we literally never see them. She loves her grandmother, but she's 90 and wouldn't understand.

Her grandmother sent a check to my deadname. This has not been my legal name for months; it cannot be cashed. Julie had asked her not to, but she did it anyway. So, now it's here and her grandmother's asking if we received it.
If we say my bank account has issues, Julie's parents will start harassing her.
If we say we didn't receive it, I think she'll just send another.

Looking for advice on how to handle this so it doesn't become a bigger issue! :D
 
Dei

Dei

Hailey Knight said:
New advice question! But sort of in the same category!

Julie and I made the decision a bit ago that we weren't going to talk to her family about my transition since they're pretty bigoted and we literally never see them. She loves her grandmother, but she's 90 and wouldn't understand.

Her grandmother sent a check to my deadname. This has not been my legal name for months; it cannot be cashed. Julie had asked her not to, but she did it anyway. So, now it's here and her grandmother's asking if we received it.
If we say my bank account has issues, Julie's parents will start harassing her.
If we say we didn't receive it, I think she'll just send another.

Looking for advice on how to handle this so it doesn't become a bigger issue! :D
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Sign it, have Julie undersign it and deposit it in her name
 
Ravenpoe

Ravenpoe

Hailey Knight said:
New advice question! But sort of in the same category!

Julie and I made the decision a bit ago that we weren't going to talk to her family about my transition since they're pretty bigoted and we literally never see them. She loves her grandmother, but she's 90 and wouldn't understand.

Her grandmother sent a check to my deadname. This has not been my legal name for months; it cannot be cashed. Julie had asked her not to, but she did it anyway. So, now it's here and her grandmother's asking if we received it.
If we say my bank account has issues, Julie's parents will start harassing her.
If we say we didn't receive it, I think she'll just send another.

Looking for advice on how to handle this so it doesn't become a bigger issue! :D
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You have the paperwork for your name change, right? I would think you should be able to walk into your bank with that paperwork and deposit the check no problem
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Ravenpoe said:
You have the paperwork for your name change, right? I would think you should be able to walk into your bank with that paperwork and deposit the check no problem
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We did that before, but the check had been set earlier. They talked about a time frame on this and it's been over six months.

Dei said:
Sign it, have Julie undersign it and deposit it in her name
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Squidleybits said:
I agree with Dei. You can endorse it to Julie and then deposit it into her account. It should work.
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Signing deadname, right? Can I do that when it's no longer my legal name?
 
Dei

Dei

Hailey Knight said:
We did that before, but the check had been set earlier. They talked about a time frame on this and it's been over six months.




Signing deadname, right? Can I do that when it's no longer my legal name?
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They probably won't even check, as long as the check writer doesn't dispute it.
 
Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

For years after my wife and I got married, her mother still wrote the occasional check to her with her previous last name. And used her nickname for the first name, instead of her legal name. She never had any problems endorsing them and depositing them that I recall, though she complained about it bitterly every time.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Tinwhistler said:
For years after my wife and I got married, her mother still wrote the occasional check to her with her previous last name. And used her nickname for the first name, instead of her legal name. She never had any problems endorsing them and depositing them that I recall, though she complained about it bitterly every time.
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And I will maintain that tradition of complaining! :D

Squidleybits said:
I doubt very seriously that the bank will check.
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That would require a lot of extra from them, I suppose.
 
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