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Texts From Last Night

Jun 20, 2009#1

ElJuski

This site cracks me up.
www.textsfromlastnight.com

(216): let's bang
(773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
(301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

And one for PAYAYA:

(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Jun 20, 2009#2

Allen, who is Quiet

(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

(413): I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited

Jun 20, 2009#3

The Lovely Boehner

This place and fmylife dot com are really really fun. I like to pretend and hope beyond hope they're all genuine.

Jun 20, 2009#4

ElJuski

Same here. Also, I am so happy (disappointed?) that none of my texts have made it on there.

It is now a life goal.

Jun 20, 2009#5

Shegokigo

(732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

Jun 20, 2009#6

figmentPez

(850): I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

[hr:85g3qbie][/hr:85g3qbie]

(214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
(1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...

[hr:85g3qbie][/hr:85g3qbie]

(530): Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

[hr:85g3qbie][/hr:85g3qbie]

(732): i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
(215): well..are you winning?

[hr:85g3qbie][/hr:85g3qbie]

(630): I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me

-- Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:03 pm --

(832): I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

[hr:85g3qbie][/hr:85g3qbie]

(832): super hot butfun
(832): Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

Jun 20, 2009#7

Shazam

I love this site.

(703): Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
[hr:22bswh4i][/hr:22bswh4i]
Some from my area code:

(210): How crunk are you?
(713): I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

(713): Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana

(713): wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
(281): umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

Jun 20, 2009#8

Hailey Knight

Allen said:
(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

Click to expand...

I'm struggling to wrap logic around this one.

Jun 20, 2009#9

Shegokigo

escushion said:
Allen said:

(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

I'm struggling to wrap logic around this one.

If it weren't for my horse, I would never have spent that year in college.

Jun 20, 2009#10

Hailey Knight

Shegokigo said:
escushion said:

Allen said:

(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

I'm struggling to wrap logic around this one.

Click to expand...

If it weren't for my horse, I would never have spent that year in college.

What is this rumpus?

Jun 20, 2009#11

ElJuski

Shegokigo said:
escushion said:

Allen said:

(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

I'm struggling to wrap logic around this one.

Click to expand...

If it weren't for my horse, I would never have spent that year in college.

Jun 20, 2009#12

B

bhamv2

escushion said:
Allen said:

(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

I'm struggling to wrap logic around this one.

You know there's this really expensive coffee that only snobs drink?

I think it's kinda like that.

Jun 20, 2009#13

Philosopher B.

That is my new favorite site.

(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

(864): and the officer said have you been drinking
(864): and i said NOO SIR.
(864): and he said, I am a woman.

(507): I want your puppy
(507): I meant pussy
(612): I would rather you take my puppy

Jun 20, 2009#14

elph

I'm liking this one. I just did a search on my local area codes, just incase...

(203): i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
(813): morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
(203): oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.

(813): ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions

(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.

(813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

(813): you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?

(813): My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

(813): Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that

(901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
(813): sounds like you understand them just fine

Jun 20, 2009#15

Shegokigo

My area code turns up:
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward

Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.

Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us

Jun 20, 2009#16

Wasabi Poptart

My old area code...

(609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
(267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
(609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

(609): i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day

Area code where I live now...

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

(419): my computer doesn't work...
(619): why?
(419): i puked on it last night

Jun 20, 2009#17

V.Bond

ElJuski said:
(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
(301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

Click to expand...

Some others from my area code

I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.

Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up

Jun 20, 2009#18

Shegokigo

That last one seriously made me laugh out loud Vagabond.

Jun 21, 2009#19

AshburnerX

From my Area code:

(614): You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.

(614): The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

(614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

Jun 21, 2009#20

EsteBeatDown

Oh man. This one made me laugh.

(432): TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

(201): she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

Jun 21, 2009#21

Dusty668

(574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
(574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

Jun 21, 2009#22

Allen, who is Quiet

searched area code

: Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

: hell yes lets make some ravioli

: Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

Jun 21, 2009#23

rac3r_x

(602): You can't motorboat a personality

So very true.

Jun 21, 2009#24

Iaculus

This site is fascinating, horrifying, and hilarious. Sometimes all three at the same time.

(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...

(724): He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.

(619): 3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.

(323): question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line

(716): All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.

(617): Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?

(707): Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

(281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
(713): I'm coming over.

(609): Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
(201): obviously you're part succubus.

Jun 21, 2009#25

Thread Necromancer

(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Tough call.

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

Hurrah technology

(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.

I may have to do that myself sometime

-- Sun Jun 21, 2009 2:36 pm --

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

-- Sun Jun 21, 2009 2:41 pm --

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

Jun 21, 2009#26

Calleja

Oh man, a few of these had me in stitches

Jun 21, 2009#27

Bubble181

Thread Necromancer said:
(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Click to expand...

Tough call.

Meh, I think it's a clear win for the brunette with the ass and trustfund; though it depends on wether or not said ass is accessible or not :-P

Jun 21, 2009#28

Calleja

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Oh man, I need to find me one of those.

Jun 21, 2009#29

Calleja

(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Oh man, and I thought *MY* friends were awesome when high and/or drunk.

Jun 21, 2009#30

Philosopher B.

Thread Necromancer said:
(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

Click to expand...

That one had me rolling for a while.

Can't get enough of these.

Jun 21, 2009#31

Vrii

Calleja said:
(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Oh man, I need to find me one of those.

It really is as good as it sounds.

Jun 22, 2009#32

@Li3n

Bubble181 said:
Thread Necromancer said:

(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Click to expand...

Tough call.

Click to expand...

Meh, I think it's a clear win for the brunette with the ass and trustfund; though it depends on wether or not said ass is accessible or not :-P

Yeah Archie, we already know...

Jun 22, 2009#33

Gared

Ahh... the bash.org of the txt age.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

(908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

(847): i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

Isn't 202 the DC area code?

(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

This is bad why?

(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
(1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

Amen brother!

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Jun 22, 2009#34

Gared said:
(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

Click to expand...

This is bad why?

Because potato is spelled wrong?

Jun 22, 2009#35

Shegokigo

Edrondol said:
Gared said:

(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

Click to expand...

This is bad why?

Click to expand...

Because potato is spelled wrong?

Wait, what?
/

Jun 22, 2009#36

Shakey

:bush:
(214): you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

Jun 22, 2009#37

Chippy

Shegokigo said:
Edrondol said:

Gared said:

(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

Click to expand...

This is bad why?

Click to expand...

Because potato is spelled wrong?

Click to expand...

Wait, what?
/

Jun 22, 2009#38

Gared

Chippy said:
Shegokigo said:

Edrondol said:

Gared said:

This is bad why?

Click to expand...

Because potato is spelled wrong?

Click to expand...

Wait, what?
/

Click to expand...

They're in college and making shot glasses out of vegetables, you expect them to be able to spell? Though I think it's either incredibly sad or a true testament of the fact that I am not in college that my first question was how they would keep the potato from oxidizing and looking nasty...

Jun 22, 2009#39

Odie

(301): i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th cen

Jun 22, 2009#40

CynicismKills

Shakey said:
:bush:
(214): you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

Jun 22, 2009#41

Gared

(212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

Jun 22, 2009#42

ElJuski

Bahahaha...yikes. Also, bahahahaha. Also, yikes.

Jun 22, 2009#43

ScytheRexx

(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Ah the people in my area...

Jun 22, 2009#44

js06

(703): fucking a dude
(703): i mean: fucking a, dude
(703): wow, that comma made all the difference there

Jun 22, 2009#45

Gared

ScytheRexx said:
(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Click to expand...

Ah the people in my area...

Beats the people in my area...

(253): she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

(360): So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.

(206): I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
(253): Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

Jun 22, 2009#46

ElJuski

(818): You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.

Jun 22, 2009#47

Singularity.EXE

From my area code... though 303 is most of the state of Colorado.

(303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
(832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

Jun 22, 2009#48

Singularity.EXE said:
From my area code... though 303 is most of the state of Colorado.

(303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
(832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

Click to expand...

Now I know there are ducks in Colorado.

Texting and posting. Posting and texting.

Jun 22, 2009#49

Allen, who is Quiet

(610): Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.

(205): So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.

Jun 22, 2009#50

Calleja

(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

Umm.. the ESL dude is gonna need slang info here.... what the fuck is to "upper deck" a toilet?

Jun 22, 2009#51

MindDetective

Calleja said:
(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

Click to expand...

Umm.. the ESL dude is gonna need slang info here.... what the smurf is to "upper deck" a toilet?

Read that one last night and got a translation. Pooped in the tank of the toilet.

Jun 22, 2009#52

Bubble181

Gared said:
(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Click to expand...

This one had me LOLing out loud :rofl:

Jun 22, 2009#53

Calleja

MindDetective said:
Read that one last night and got a translation. Pooped in the tank of the toilet.

You crazy 'mericans.

Alright, what do all those ".24" and ".217" mean? I thought thwy were talking like gun calibers, but then it made no sense.

Jun 22, 2009#54

filmfanatic

Calleja said:
MindDetective said:

Read that one last night and got a translation. Pooped in the tank of the toilet.

Click to expand...

You crazy 'mericans.

Alright, what do all those ".24" and ".217" mean? I thought thwy were talking like gun calibers, but then it made no sense.

Breathalyzer levels. They are the percentage amounts of alcohol in your system as found with breathalyzers.

Jun 22, 2009#55

Calleja

a-HA!

that makes much more sense.

-- less than a minute ago --

so is .24 a lot?

Jun 22, 2009#56

filmfanatic

Calleja said:
a-HA!

that makes much more sense.

-- less than a minute ago --

so is .24 a lot?

.08 is the legal limit.

Jun 22, 2009#57

Calleja

So according to the law you can drive a car if you have .08 but not .09? Aight.. in actuality, what is it you can still consider yourself sober in? .15?

[hr:mcs22n8n][/hr:mcs22n8n]

(970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

Oh my god.

I SO have to try that one out sometime.

Jun 22, 2009#58

V.Bond

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me

Jun 22, 2009#59

Calleja

So I see thanks to this site a lot of people take xanax as a recreational drug. Sounds stupid to me, but is this as widespread as the site content implies, or is it actually that common?

Jun 22, 2009#60

Gared

(407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

Jun 23, 2009#61

Jay

My area code :

(514): Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
(1-514): Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.

(514): I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

not my zone but hilarious

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Jun 23, 2009#62

Singularity.EXE

Calleja said:
So I see thanks to this site a lot of people take xanax as a recreational drug. Sounds stupid to me, but is this as widespread as the site content implies, or is it actually that common?

Oh yeah, prescription meds are America's domestic drug. We have to import everything else, but our meds we make local! Adderall, Xanax, and vicodine are passed around like candy.

Jun 23, 2009#63

Jake

From my area code:

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

(818): i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
(615): Heaven soaked bacon.

(615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

Jul 18, 2009#64

Thread Necromancer

(360): When I woke up this morning the first thought through my head was NOT "Today is the day I will have a popular child's icon tell me to sit on his face."

Jul 18, 2009#65

Shegokigo

From home area:

"So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be"
lol so true.

"If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?"
:bush:

"Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine."
Ed you been in Texas? Rawr! :slywink:

Jul 18, 2009#66

V.Bond

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich

Jul 18, 2009#67

Le Quack

(479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

Jul 18, 2009#68

Enresshou

(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
(510): I hope so

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Jul 18, 2009#69

Dunny

Enresshou said:
(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Click to expand...

That one wins. And some choice selections from my area codes (I'm at the intersection of three of them; Southern MA is fucked up that way):

(617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
(1-617): ru fi oooo

I think I know that girl...

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

And I'm pretty sure those people live down the street...

(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

(508): Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
(781): I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
(508): Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.

-- Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:09 pm --

Dunny said:
Enresshou said:

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

That one wins. And some choice selections from my area codes (I'm at the intersection of three of them; Southern MA is fucked up that way):
[quote:ltappmzv](617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
(1-617): ru fi oooo

I think I know that girl...

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

And I'm pretty sure those people live down the street...

(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

(508): Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
(781): I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
(508): Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.

[/quote:ltappmzv]

(603): Call meee
(781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

Jul 18, 2009#70

figmentPez

Enresshou said:
(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
(510): I hope so

Click to expand...

Sadly, he probably didn't have any troubles. The packing peanuts that are cheeto shaped are usually made from cornstarch. Unless he was eating those S-shaped or petal shaped, those are still styrofoam, I think.

Jun 2, 2010#71

Thread Necromancer

(914):

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

Jun 2, 2010#72

Officer_Charon

.... Dammit, never saw this thread before. Now I've lost about 2 hours. Damn you, TN!!!

Also, some choice ones from my area code.

(912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

(912): I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong

(912): you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
(919): That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

(912): just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

(912): So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
(1-912): Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
(912): Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

(760): Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
(912): What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
(760): I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

Jun 2, 2010#73

Thread Necromancer

Officer_Charon said:
.... Dammit, never saw this thread before. Now I've lost about 2 hours. Damn you, TN!!!

You are probably one of the only people who have yet to slap me on the 'ol ignore list. And as for your curse, you are welcome sir.

Jun 2, 2010#74

Hailey Knight

This was a good necro.

(203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
(718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

(718): he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

(845): maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night

Jun 2, 2010#75

Thread Necromancer

escushion said:
This was a good necro.

They are always good necros. Some of them though are only appreciated by a small populace.

Jun 2, 2010#76

V.Bond

(301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

(410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
(301): I accept this challenge.

(301): it's like iHOP with fire

Jun 3, 2010#77

LordRendar

(903):

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Jun 3, 2010#78

Null

Some local ones:

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here. (undoubtedly one of our students)

(609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
(201): We better fuck soon then

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable. (amusing because my sister had a class where one of the other students was Misty Mundae)

It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.

I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

-----

I really hate this fucking area.

Jun 3, 2010#79

David

Best one from my area:

(760): It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

Jun 3, 2010#80

Chazwozel

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

Not at the table Carlos...

Jun 3, 2010#81

drawn_inward

My area code: :Leyla:

405 said:
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.

405 said:
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

Jun 3, 2010#82

General Specific

A few choice selections from my area code:

(803): Why am I in a dog kennel?
(1-803): It was for your own safety

(803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

(803): Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

Jun 3, 2010#83

Null

Chazwozel said:
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

Not at the table Carlos...

7th grade science class, this dude who'd just been transferred to our class did that. He was 17 and obviously a bit mentally impaired. This was like the second day of him being in our class, and he just whipped it out and went at it like mad while the teacher was giving a demonstration. No one noticed until the girl who sat in front of him screamed.

Jun 3, 2010#84

Krisken

Excuse me while I whip this out...

Jun 3, 2010#85

Wahad

(917):
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
(347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Welp, it was bound to happen to somebody sometime.

Jun 3, 2010#86

Troll

Representing the wonderful 510 we have:

(510):
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

(510):
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

(510):
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...

(510):
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

Jun 4, 2010#87

Dave

My favorite:

(315): His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

Jun 4, 2010#88

Hailey Knight

(301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

(301): the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

Yeaaahh...

Jun 4, 2010#89

checkeredhat

I present to you, 905ers:

(905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

(905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

(905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

(905): Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.

Jun 4, 2010#90

Calleja

I fracking love TFLN. I usually check it every other week or so just so I build up a nice hilarious buffer.

Jun 5, 2010#91

Element 117

(303):

I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze

(303):

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

(303):

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

Jun 5, 2010#92

Wasabi Poptart

LOL

(619): His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

(619): after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

(619): I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth

(619): He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on

Jun 5, 2010#93

Null

Fucking classy.

Jun 5, 2010#94

Wasabi Poptart

I love how my area code now is one digit off from my old one.

(609): I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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