Texts From Last Night

[Thread Necromancer]

(914):

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

 

[Officer_Charon]

.... Dammit, never saw this thread before. Now I've lost about 2 hours. Damn you, TN!!!


Also, some choice ones from my area code.

(912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

(912): I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong

(912): you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
(919): That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

(912): just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

(912): So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
(1-912): Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
(912): Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

(760): Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
(912): What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
(760): I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

 

[Thread Necromancer]

.... Dammit, never saw this thread before. Now I've lost about 2 hours. Damn you, TN!!!

You are probably one of the only people who have yet to slap me on the 'ol ignore list. And as for your curse, you are welcome sir.

 

[Hailey Knight]

This was a good necro.

(203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
(718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

(718): he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

(845): maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night

 

[Thread Necromancer]

This was a good necro.

They are always good necros. Some of them though are only appreciated by a small populace.

 

[Vagabond]

.

(301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

(410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
(301): I accept this challenge.

(301): it's like iHOP with fire

 

[LordRendar]

(903):

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

 

[Null]

Some local ones:

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here. (undoubtedly one of our students)

(609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
(201): We better fuck soon then

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable. (amusing because my sister had a class where one of the other students was Misty Mundae)

It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.

I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

-----

I really hate this fucking area.

 

[David]

Best one from my area:

(760): It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

 

[Chazwozel]

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

Not at the table Carlos...

 

[drawn_inward]

My area code:

defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

 

[General Specific]

A few choice selections from my area code:

(803): Why am I in a dog kennel?
(1-803): It was for your own safety

(803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

(803): Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

 

[Null]

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

Not at the table Carlos...

7th grade science class, this dude who'd just been transferred to our class did that. He was 17 and obviously a bit mentally impaired. This was like the second day of him being in our class, and he just whipped it out and went at it like mad while the teacher was giving a demonstration. No one noticed until the girl who sat in front of him screamed.

 

[Krisken]

Excuse me while I whip this out...

 

[Wahad]

(917):
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
(347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Welp, it was bound to happen to somebody sometime.

 

[Troll]

Representing the wonderful 510 we have:

(510):
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

(510):
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

(510):
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...

(510):
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

 

[Dave]

My favorite:

(315): His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

 

[Hailey Knight]

(301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

(301): the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

Yeaaahh...

 

[checkeredhat]

I present to you, 905ers:

(905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

(905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

(905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

(905): Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.

 

[Calleja]

I fracking love TFLN. I usually check it every other week or so just so I build up a nice hilarious buffer.

 

[Element 117]

(303):

I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze

.

(303):

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

(303):

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

LOL

(619): His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

(619): after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

(619): I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth

(619): He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on

 

[Null]

Fucking classy.

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

I love how my area code now is one digit off from my old one.

(609): I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted