Texts From Last Night

[Shakey]

:bush:
(214): you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

 

[Chippy]

(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

This is bad why?

Because potato is spelled wrong?

Wait, what?
/

 

[Gared]

This is bad why?

Because potato is spelled wrong?

Wait, what?
/

They're in college and making shot glasses out of vegetables, you expect them to be able to spell? Though I think it's either incredibly sad or a true testament of the fact that I am not in college that my first question was how they would keep the potato from oxidizing and looking nasty...

 

[Odie]

(301): i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th cen

 

[CynicismKills]

:bush:
(214): you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

 

[Gared]

(212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

 

[ElJuski]

Bahahaha...yikes. Also, bahahahaha. Also, yikes.

 

[ScytheRexx]

(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Ah the people in my area...

 

[js06]

(703): fucking a dude
(703): i mean: fucking a, dude
(703): wow, that comma made all the difference there

 

[Gared]

(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Ah the people in my area...

Beats the people in my area...

(253): she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

(360): So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.

(206): I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
(253): Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

 

[ElJuski]

(818): You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.

 

[Singularity.EXE]

From my area code... though 303 is most of the state of Colorado.

(303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
(832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

 

From my area code... though 303 is most of the state of Colorado.

(303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
(832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

Now I know there are ducks in Colorado.

Texting and posting. Posting and texting.

 

[Allen who is Quiet]

(610): Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.

(205): So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.

 

[Calleja]

(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

Umm.. the ESL dude is gonna need slang info here.... what the fuck is to "upper deck" a toilet?

 

[MindDetective]

(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

Umm.. the ESL dude is gonna need slang info here.... what the smurf is to "upper deck" a toilet?

Read that one last night and got a translation. Pooped in the tank of the toilet.

 

[Bubble181]

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

This one had me LOLing out loud

 

[Calleja]

Read that one last night and got a translation. Pooped in the tank of the toilet.

You crazy 'mericans.

Alright, what do all those ".24" and ".217" mean? I thought thwy were talking like gun calibers, but then it made no sense.

 

[filmfanatic]

Read that one last night and got a translation. Pooped in the tank of the toilet.

You crazy 'mericans.

Alright, what do all those ".24" and ".217" mean? I thought thwy were talking like gun calibers, but then it made no sense.

Breathalyzer levels. They are the percentage amounts of alcohol in your system as found with breathalyzers.

 

[Calleja]

a-HA!

that makes much more sense.

-- less than a minute ago --

so is .24 a lot?

 

[filmfanatic]

a-HA!

that makes much more sense.

-- less than a minute ago --

so is .24 a lot?

.08 is the legal limit.

 

[Calleja]

So according to the law you can drive a car if you have .08 but not .09? Aight.. in actuality, what is it you can still consider yourself sober in? .15?

[hr:mcs22n8n][/hr:mcs22n8n]

(970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

Oh my god.

I SO have to try that one out sometime.

 

[Vagabond]

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me

 

[Calleja]

So I see thanks to this site a lot of people take xanax as a recreational drug. Sounds stupid to me, but is this as widespread as the site content implies, or is it actually that common?

 

[Gared]

(407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

 

[Jay]

My area code :

(514): Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
(1-514): Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.

(514): I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

not my zone but hilarious

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

 

[Singularity.EXE]

So I see thanks to this site a lot of people take xanax as a recreational drug. Sounds stupid to me, but is this as widespread as the site content implies, or is it actually that common?

Oh yeah, prescription meds are America's domestic drug. We have to import everything else, but our meds we make local! Adderall, Xanax, and vicodine are passed around like candy.

 

[Jake]

From my area code:

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

(818): i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
(615): Heaven soaked bacon.

(615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

 

[Thread Necromancer]

(360): When I woke up this morning the first thought through my head was NOT "Today is the day I will have a popular child's icon tell me to sit on his face."

 

[Shegokigo]

From home area:

"So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be"
lol so true.

"If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?"
:bush:

"Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine."
Ed you been in Texas? Rawr! :slywink:

 

[Vagabond]

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich

 

[Le Quack]

(479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

 

[Enresshou]

(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
(510): I hope so

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

 

[Dunny]

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

That one wins. And some choice selections from my area codes (I'm at the intersection of three of them; Southern MA is fucked up that way):

(617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
(1-617): ru fi oooo

I think I know that girl...

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

And I'm pretty sure those people live down the street...

(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

(508): Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
(781): I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
(508): Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.

-- Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:09 pm --

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

That one wins. And some choice selections from my area codes (I'm at the intersection of three of them; Southern MA is fucked up that way):
[quote:ltappmzv](617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
(1-617): ru fi oooo

I think I know that girl...

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

And I'm pretty sure those people live down the street...

(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

(508): Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
(781): I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
(508): Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.

[/quote:ltappmzv]

(603): Call meee
(781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

 

[figmentPez]

(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
(510): I hope so

Sadly, he probably didn't have any troubles. The packing peanuts that are cheeto shaped are usually made from cornstarch. Unless he was eating those S-shaped or petal shaped, those are still styrofoam, I think.