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The difference between...

#1

strawman

strawman

This is one of my favorite "the difference between x, y, and z is..." jokes:

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said: "Never."

The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."

The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Click to expand...
What's your favorite "the difference between...." joke?

-Adam


#2

sixpackshaker

sixpackshaker

Why does a man become an architect?

Because he is not manly enough to be an engineer or effeminate enough for interior design.

-- Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:39 pm --

What is the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls cross country track team?

One is a bunch of cunning runts...


#3

Cog

Cog

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended further and shouted to the lady “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’tknow where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be in IT,” said the balloonist. “Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my freaking fault..”


#4



The Mike

Just no. -ZM


#5

Jake

Jake

:slap: Too soon.


#6





A Frenchman, an Italian, and an American all got stranded at Heathrow airport. As they were waiting for information, they struck up a conversation and were soon fast friends. Eventually, the topic turned to who was the better lover. The Italian boasted, "Well, last night, I made love to my wife twice and in the morning, she brought me breakfast in bed!" The Frenchman spoke next saying, "That is nothing. Last night I made love to my wife three times and in the morning she made me Belgian Waffles!" The two looked expectantly at the American. He sheepishly stated, "Well, last night my wife and I made love only once..." The other two gained smug smiles and the Frenchman asked, "Well, what did your wife say in the morning?" The American looked up and exclaimed, "'DOOOOON'T STOOOOOOP!!!!'"


#7

Denbrought

Denbrought

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to test the following hypothesis: All odd numbers greater than one are prime.
The mathematician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, but nine is not a prime. Therefore, the hypothesis is false."
The physicist: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, nine is not a prime, eleven is a prime, and thirteen is a prime. Hence, five out of six experiments support the hypothesis. It must be true."
The engineer: "Three is a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime..."
Click to expand...
:3


#8



The Mike

First time edited sorry ZM, can I do a black joke?


#9





The Mike said:
First time edited sorry ZM, can I do a black joke?
Click to expand...
If you're jonesing for a temp-ban, sure.


#10



Batdan

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all sit down at the pub and order a pint of beer. After all three beers are served, three flies land one in each drink. The Englishman promptly calls the bartender over and asks for another beer as there is a fly in his. The Scotsman doesn't care and downs his beer anyway. The Irishman reaches in and picks up the fly by the wings shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out you dirty bastard!"


#11

Charlie Don't Surf

The Lovely Boehner

more jokes that point out basic stereotypes please


#12



The Mike

So no, got it


#13

D

Dubyamn

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with 1 can of beans between them. Not having any tools they all try to come up with a want to open the can without spilling any of the beans.

The Chemist proposes they mix a weak acid out of chemicals found on the island, The physicist proposes a series of pulleys and rocks that can sheer the top off the can very precisely.

The Economist looks at them completely shocked and says "Guys, Guys you're making this far to complicated. Now pretend we had a can opener."


#14

Covar

Covar

Cog said:
A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

...
Click to expand...
I heard that before but with IT as conservatives and Management as Liberals.

anyway my joke.

A Catholic Priest, Jewish Rabbi, and a Baptist Minister are all guest speakers at an elementary school. As they're speaking to the school in the gymnasium the school and gym catch on fire. All three quickly dash out of the gym.

Once outside the Rabbi quickly exclaims, "Wait! What about the children?"

The Babtist Minister quickly responds, "Man, Fuck the children."

"Do you think we have time?" Responds the Priest.
Click to expand...


#15





An artist, an engineer, and a bureaucrat were all arguing over the nature of God. "God must be an artist!" said the artist, "Take the human body, the lines, the symmetry, it is absolute proof!" "No," says the engineer, "God must be an engineer. Take the nervous system or the circulatory system for example. All of the complexities of the human body working in concert. After all, form follows function." The bureaucrat finally spoke, saying, "God must be a bureaucrat. After all, who else would route waste disposal through the middle of a resort area?"


#16



Le Quack

Whats the difference between pink and purple?









Your grip!


#17

Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

pickup line:
"What's the difference between sugar and sweet and low?"
When they say "what", say "this is sugar" and then give them a little kiss on the cheek.
Then say "This is sweet and low" and drop to your knees.

;)


#18

Wahad

Wahad

Tinwhistler said:
pickup line:
"What's the difference between sugar and sweet and low?"
When they say "what", say "this is sugar" and then give them a little kiss on the cheek.
Then say "This is sweet and low" and drop to your knees.

;)
Click to expand...
In a similar vein (though you probably shouldn't use it as a pick-up line):

What's the difference between an aeroplane and a submarine?

The first one you see coming (raise your hand) and the other one you don't! (punch person in the stomach)


#19

Rob King

Rob King

(Edit these to fit whichever stereotype you please. I've always heard them as Newie Jokes)

An American, a Canadian, and a Newfoundlander were all working in high rise construction. When lunch time came, they sat near each-other oh the beams high above the city and opened their lunchboxes.

The American cursed, and waved an egg salad sandwich at the other two. "I've eaten nothing but egg salad sandwiches for weeks now! If I get another tomorrow, I'll just toss it off the side."

The Canadian examined his, and similarly swore. "Ham again!" he complained, "I'm with you. If I get another of these in my lunch, I'll throw mine as well!"

The Newfoundlander gestured to his own sandwich. "I hear you both. I've had nothing but bologna for far too long! If I have another tomorrow, I'll chuck it."

All three ate their lunches, and then continued on the work for the day. The next day, they found themselves on the same beam for lunch.

The American opened his lunchbox, and looked at his sandwich. When he discovered it to be another egg salad sandwich, he unceremoniously dropped it over the edge.

The Canadian did the same when he discovered another ham sandwich in his lunch tin.

The Newfoundlander didn't even open his lunchbox, but elected to toss the entire thing, unopened, into the street below.

"Why, you didn't even look!" protested the American, as the Newfoundlander slouched in disappointment.

"He didn't have to." explained the Canadian, "He packs his own lunches."


#20



Zarvox

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all watching a house. One person walks into the house. A few minutes later, two people walk out.

The physicist says, "Hm. The data must have been flawed."
The biologist says, "Hm. They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "Hm. If one more person enters the house, it will be empty."
_______

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all on a train ride through Scotland. Out the window, they see a sheep, its black fur contrasting against the dull green of the highlands.

The biologist says, "Aha! So we know Scottish sheep are black!"
The physicist says, "No, we know that at least some sheep in Scotland are black."
The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. We know that there is at least one half of one sheep in Scotland, one side of which is black."


#21





Zarvox said:
The mathematician says, "Hm. If one more person enters the house, it will be empty."
Click to expand...
:rofl:


#22

Krisken

Krisken

Oldie but a goodie.

Three engineers were gathered around one evening debating of what type of
engineer God was.

The first argued that God must truly be a mechanical engineer. Look at
the human form... its blend of simplicity and complexity... the overall
utility in the design... how it transmitted loads with such
effectiveness... surely there can be no doubt.

The second pointed out the intricate circuitry and logic paths of the
nervous systems and declared that God must indeed be an electrical
engineer.

The third shook his head sadly and said that his companions were gravely
mistaken. God must be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste
disposal system through a recreational area?


#23

Wahad

Wahad

General Specific said:
An artist, an engineer, and a bureaucrat were all arguing over the nature of God. "God must be an artist!" said the artist, "Take the human body, the lines, the symmetry, it is absolute proof!" "No," says the engineer, "God must be an engineer. Take the nervous system or the circulatory system for example. All of the complexities of the human body working in concert. After all, form follows function." The bureaucrat finally spoke, saying, "God must be a bureaucrat. After all, who else would route waste disposal through the middle of a resort area?"
Click to expand...
Krisken said:
Oldie but a goodie.

Three engineers were gathered around one evening debating of what type of
engineer God was.

The first argued that God must truly be a mechanical engineer. Look at
the human form... its blend of simplicity and complexity... the overall
utility in the design... how it transmitted loads with such
effectiveness... surely there can be no doubt.

The second pointed out the intricate circuitry and logic paths of the
nervous systems and declared that God must indeed be an electrical
engineer.

The third shook his head sadly and said that his companions were gravely
mistaken. God must be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste
disposal system through a recreational area?
Click to expand...
:whistling:


#24

Krisken

Krisken

Wahad said:
:whistling:
Click to expand...
Er, nevermind
:redface:


#25

Hylian

Hylian

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
Click to expand...


#26

GasBandit

GasBandit

SHIT HAPPENS in various professions
------------------------

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Damn this shit smells...

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980-2007) I've got all the shit I want. (2008-present) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian: The same shit happens again and again.

Politician: If you elect me, shit will never again happen.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Poet: ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintenance programmers.


#27



Mr_Chaz

GasBandit said:
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles
Click to expand...
I'm about 95% certain I've used this exact phrase. I'm not sure if that makes the joke funnier or sadder.


#28

Shannow

Shannow

This thread is offensive.


#29



Wasabi Poptart

Le Quack said:
Whats the difference between pink and purple?


Your grip!
Click to expand...
:rofl:


#30



wana10

what's the difference between a brown noser and a shit head?

depth perception


#31



Singularity.EXE

Rob King said:
(Edit these to fit whichever stereotype you please. I've always heard them as Newie Jokes)

An American, a Canadian, and a Newfoundlander were all working in high rise construction. When lunch time came, they sat near each-other oh the beams high above the city and opened their lunchboxes.

The American cursed, and waved an egg salad sandwich at the other two. "I've eaten nothing but egg salad sandwiches for weeks now! If I get another tomorrow, I'll just toss it off the side."

The Canadian examined his, and similarly swore. "Ham again!" he complained, "I'm with you. If I get another of these in my lunch, I'll throw mine as well!"

The Newfoundlander gestured to his own sandwich. "I hear you both. I've had nothing but bologna for far too long! If I have another tomorrow, I'll chuck it."

All three ate their lunches, and then continued on the work for the day. The next day, they found themselves on the same beam for lunch.

The American opened his lunchbox, and looked at his sandwich. When he discovered it to be another egg salad sandwich, he unceremoniously dropped it over the edge.

The Canadian did the same when he discovered another ham sandwich in his lunch tin.

The Newfoundlander didn't even open his lunchbox, but elected to toss the entire thing, unopened, into the street below.

"Why, you didn't even look!" protested the American, as the Newfoundlander slouched in disappointment.

"He didn't have to." explained the Canadian, "He packs his own lunches."
Click to expand...

Wow, and here I thought Blonde jokes were universal, but it looks like while the form remains, the people change.

In 'Merica, its different hair colors with the blonde being the one that packs his own lunch. And instead of throwing the food out, they all jump off the beam to their deaths. How bizarre.


#32

strawman

strawman

Singularity.EXE said:
And instead of throwing the food out, they all jump off the beam to their deaths.
Click to expand...
We're just that hard core about our lunches.

-Adam


#33

R

Raemon777

I heard that before but with IT as conservatives and Management as Liberals.
Click to expand...
I don't understand how that makes sense, either for making fun of conservatives or liberals.


#34

figmentPez

figmentPez

:bush: My brain just remembered what may be the first "difference between" joke I ever heard:

What's the difference between a steam locomotive and a school teacher?

One goes "choo, choo, choo" and the others says "spit it out".


#35



chakz

Raemon777 said:
I heard that before but with IT as conservatives and Management as Liberals.
Click to expand...
I don't understand how that makes sense, either for making fun of conservatives or liberals.
Click to expand...
I've heard it with republicans and democrats where the republican is the it person and the dem is management.


#36

B

bhamv2

At a recent conference of science and mathematics, a physicist, a mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician were all staying on the same floor of their hotel.

The engineer woke up in the middle of the night to find his trash can had started on fire. He jumped out of bed, quickly filled his ice bucket with water, extinguished the flames, and went back to sleep.

A little later, the physicist woke up and also discovered his trash can to be ablaze. He paused for a moment, pulled out his slide rule, and made a few quick calculations. He filled up his ice bucket with exactly 1/2 liter of water and used it to extinguish the fire, and then went back to sleep.

Shortly after, the mathematician was awoken and his trash can was also on fire. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and frantically scribbled out pages and pages of equations. When he found the solution he went to bed, comfortable just knowing that the solution existed.

And the statistician? He was found running around lighting other people's trash cans on fire because he needed a bigger sample size.


#37



Roxxoredizorz

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one goes to the bartender and says "I'll have a mug of beer"
The second one goes to the bartender and says "I'll have half a mug of beer"
The third one orders a quarter, fourth an eighth, and so on and so forth.

Finally after eight the bartender says "Screw it" pours two mugs and leaves.


#38



Zarvox

Roxxoredizorz said:
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one goes to the bartender and says "I'll have a mug of beer"
The second one goes to the bartender and says "I'll have half a mug of beer"
The third one orders a quarter, fourth an eighth, and so on and so forth.

Finally after eight the bartender says "Screw it" pours two mugs and leaves.
Click to expand...
Excellent, sir!


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