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Bobby "The Brain" Heenan's acceptance speech at the WWE's 2004 Hall of Fame ceremony.

The first time I watched this years ago, I was in tears from laughing so hard. The more I watch it, the more I wish wrestling like this. There's so much negativity about it being fake, about roid heads, suicides (which just gets less surprising and more depressing every time) that when you get a class act like Heenan, it just makes me love the business all over again.

But this speech? By god, I wish wrestling was more like this. I find I love hearing more about the things that occur backstage and off camera and by far, this is a prime example of why:

Bobby Heenan was the best God damn colour commentator and/or heel manager of all time. Either or, if he were still around, I'd probably still watch.

(alleged) transcript for those who can't watch 30 mins of youtube straight while at work -

Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan’s acceptance speech at the Hall of Fame Ceremony, March 13th 2004:

(crowd applause, with bits of typical yank yells of “Yeeeeaaah Bobby!” etc)

“Is this the last call? Well I don’t drink anymore.
Excuse the way I sound, I …. I had a wedgie.
Pardon the way I talk, I’m recovering from throat cancer and I feel great".

(crowd applause)

“Thank you. And you wouldn’t offend me with cash.
First of all, if you remember the introduction
Pat Patterson gave for Sgt Slaughter,
well at midnight tonight it will be played in your rooms in English.

This is great. I had everything in my mind for the last month,
what I was going to say, who I was going to put over, who I was going to knock,
but I couldn’t do anything like that. I forgot everything I was going to write
and everything has to come from (the heart) right now.

I’ve been in this business since 1954. I was 10 years old
and I went to an Arena in Chicago & I was hooked. Just like that.
And when you’re hooked you’re in this business whether you like it or not.
I remember watching the heels come out. They’d tell people to shut up, and they got louder.
Everytime they told them to do something they wouldn’t do it. They ignored them.
I said I could do this for a living, it’s like being at home.

In 1959 I was 15 years old and on Channel 5 the tv show came on from midnight till 2am.
That’s another reason I didn’t finish school. It was wrestling from Bridgeport, Connecticut
and I’m seeing Johnny Valentine and Buddy Rogers and Arnold Skaaland …. Who was 63 then!
So I’m watching the wrestling and I’m hooked now.
Then my mom loses her job, my aunt had cancer, my grandma’s an old person
… or she wouldn’t have been my grandmother. I’m not from Virginia.”

(crowd burst in to laughter)

“Damn this is fun sober. Anybody got any weed? No?

So I’m really hooked and it’s 1961 and I started working at the Armoury
for the promotion there. I was 17 years old, carrying jackets from the ring, selling cokes,
and running from Eddie Fahrat, The Shiek. He’s chasing me all over the building
and I’m scared of him. Then in 1965 I started as a manager.
I managed the Assassins, then from there I went on to manage Angelo Poffo
who is the father of ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage,
and another man named Chris Markhov who was from Yugoslavia.
Chris Markhov would rear back and kick you in the groin,
and as you were going down he would say “Watch for the kick”.
He was horrible. Nice man, he called me when I was sick but oh he was horrible.

And then I met another man who I started managing, Blackjack Lanza.
I remember in the mornings we’d go down to the phone in the lobby.
The hotels then didn’t have phones in the rooms, so they had a switchboard.
So where they had the chords to connect people, there was a big thing of doughnuts.
So Jack would stand there and when the woman would turn her back to plug in a phone,
he’d wolf down a doughnut.
But what he forgot is that he’s got this black moustache, and it was full of white powder.
I was either managing him or Cheech & Chong!
I went on from there and I managed some of the greatest talent in this world.
I managed Superstar Billy Graham in Chicago.
One night Ivan Putski slammed me on top of him and he had some many lumps on his body
it hurt my back for a month.

And I managed Harley Race in 1968. When I found out I was going to be here tonight
and be inducted with Harley, knowing Harley I thought we were going to be indicted!
But he is one tough man, believe me. The things he’s been through in life.
8 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, excellent.

Then I managed Bob Remus (Sgt. Slaughter).
As we went down the back roads in Peoria just laughing knowing our wives
would never believe we were riding with 4 fat girls to the airport so we could save 20 bucks.
He said "Bobby stop it, you’ve made them all laugh and they’ve only got 7 teeth".
And that was including us.

I went from there to managing everyone they threw in front of me in the WWF and …
ooh did I say something?
Wait, let me get into this now. You wanna talk about Wildlife?!

When I came here they had: 3 freebirds, they had the junk yard dog,
2 bulldogs with matilda, another dog. You had 2 killer bees,
you had a guy with a snake, you had a Hawaiian guy with a lizard … I’m not done yet!
And to top it all off, I’m the Weasel doing commentary with a Gorilla! Dammit!

So if you people at the WWF now, I think it’s wildlife,
if you’ve spent a weekend at House Shows in Newark with Afa & Sika, The Samoans,
THAT’S wildlife!

So now I know I’m going to New York. I make a phonecall to Vince McMahon Jr.
I’m in Denver. I can’t take it there anymore, I had to get out.
I called Hogan, he said to call Vince. I called Vince and told him I planned to leave.
I called Verne and told him I was giving my notice. I would fulfil my dates but I was leaving.
He said "I dare you to come here and tell me that face-to-face".
I said how’s 1 o clock?
He said fine.
I took my wife with me, Cynthia …. I didn’t think he’d hit a woman!
And she’s Italian, god knows what would’ve happened to him.
I called Vince and said Verne wants me to go to the office and he sounds mad.
Vince said "Boy I wish I could be there with you".
I said to back me up? He said no I want to tape it.

I had called Vince Snr. Every 6 months over a period of 10 years
but they had Ernie Roth & Freddie Blassie who were doing a great job
and they had Lou Albano who refused to be fired,
and they just didn’t have a place for me.

A week before I started Vince called me
and asked would I mind managing Jessie The Body Ventura,
and I said of course not it would be an honour.
So I get to the Garden that night and he tells me Jessie got injured in San Diego
and won’t be able to make it. Would you manage John Studd?
I said that I had just been to the AWA which in my terms meant All the World’s Assholes
so I would have managed anyone to get out of there!

So I almost managed the Governer, had I managed him years ago
I may have been the first lady of Minnesota.

I managed Ernie Ladd. A wonderful man, great athlete … who else …

oh yes: Ric Flair.

I retired in ’91 from the ring, just doing broadcasting.
Vince asks would you go on the road with Ric Flair for 6 months? Just 6 months.
So now I’ve got to go on the road with Larry Flynt.
I lasted 10 days.
I went and told McMahon I can’t do it. Vince said it’s only for 6 months, I said YOU go with him!
My liver’s now on hold, YOU go with him!

We had WrestleMania, the first one. I said this isn’t gonna work.
You had Muhammed Ali, Billy Martin, The Rockettes, Mr T., this has become a carnival!
A lot of the boys said it’s not right.
But we looked out that night and the press was all over and it worked. It really worked.
We became respected by people.
We were no longer considered one step behind a circus clown.
People said you guys are great performers, those are great shows you’re putting on.
It made us feel proud. We didn’t have to wear hats anymore and kayfabe.
We could kayfabe in public! And some of us even kayfabed in private! … right (Mean) Gene?

So WrestleMania 3. It had to be the biggest thing I my life.
I remember having to go to the ring earlier because I had to manage 30 or 40 guys,
then I went to the ring with Andre.

Then to do Prime-Time, All-American, and Wrestling Challenge
and be allowed to express myself and bring comedy
into a business I often thought needed a kick in the pants and couple of smiles
rather than a guy blowing his nose and belching and spitting.
If you want to see that, come to my room. And that’s just my wife.
I have to, you ever tried her meatloaf?

Damn I’m having fun.

Hey for 2 and a half years I’ve sat in my bedroom at home taking Chemo
and getting radiation and doing nothing.
You sit for 2 and a half years naked in a room and watch Judge Judy – you’ll go nuts!

Now I’ve got the opportunity to come out here and be induced into the Hall of Fame.
The Hall of Fame of Wrestling, something I’ve loved all my life.
Why did I stay? It was a job, I had to.
I was feeding my mother, my grandmother, my aunt.
I had to feed people and myself.
But it wasn’t just the money, it wasn’t just the people I had to feed, it was because I loved this.
I love you and I love them. That’s what this is about.

To be inducted into this Wrestling Hall of Fame, this fraternity of people,
is a tremendous thrill for me and the biggest thrills in my life
are my lovely daughter Jessica, stand-up, my wife Cynthia,
and my son-in-law John – he is standing, she married a midget.

It’s just an honour, it’s a real privilege to be here in front of all you people and in New York City,
and only one thing’s missing.

I wish Monsoon was here.

Thank you.


.... we get paid for this, right?"

I watched the whole thing and while it was certainly entertaining, I doubt it was the finest and funniest speech I'll ever watch. I've seen speeches by Holocaust survivors, Dr. Randy Pausch's Final Speech (attached below) as well as many speeches by politicians, entertainers and others. Don't get me wrong, it's a good speech. But the best ever? That's a bold statement and is probably wrong because the speech he gives assumes that you have a certain level of background information that a lot of people just won't have.



I was going to say something earlier, but I didn't want to be a Negative Nancy.

I know of only one speech... not the funniest... but it's the damn finest. If you don't agree, I'll stab you.

Dave said:

I watched the whole thing and while it was certainly entertaining, I doubt it was the finest and funniest speech I'll ever watch.

Click to expand...

ThatNickGuy said:

....

[MP3]http://gasbanditry.com/mymusic/TV/Quincy%20Jones%20-%20Ironside.mp3[/MP3]

Click to expand...

.

^ This.

But yeah, I'm likely incredibly bias as a wrestling fan. I do love Randy Pausch's speech, as well. Hell, I own the book of The Last Lecture.