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Informal greeting.

Advanced, unneeded apologies on forthcoming story.

Ridiculously long, detailed, and far too personal story about personal life.

Plea for advice.

Feigned sympathy with single sentence indicating shared experience.

Sage advice.

Injection of mild humor with obvious attempt to avoid related touchy issues.

Derails above advice with additional, unmentioned details to previous story. Mild appreciation for advice, taking slight offence to the humour.

Facepalm.

Subtly insulting apology for humor, including insinuation that only those who are socially broken beyond all reason and repair would be offended.

Revisits original sage advice with encouragement that even though the circumstances may be perceived differently, the advice is still useful and valid.

Inspiring statement akin to famous shoe brand identity's sports slogan.

Encouragement and affirmation that one following sage advice will eventually find success.

Image macro of a fluffy kitten barely hanging onto a branch with a reassuring statement.

Angered caps lock rebuttal! Heated additional information! Declaration that advice is useless!

Offensive comment regarding the sexual exploits of your mother.

Stupid image of a tired meme

Declaration of ignorance regarding the context of the image.

Cat backing out of the room meme.

Witty retort.

Insert meme picture.

Elaborate and creative troll attempt padded with false sympathy.

Hand goes in the pants while clicking Post Reply.

Types reply, but realising doesn't want to participate, deletes it. Obsessively checks thread, wondering if his incredible advice could've changed the course of a man's life.

Posts with popcorn eating meme.

Posts a different popcorn eating gif to try to one up Ravenpoe's post

Gets verbally upset over the lack of decent advice, blatantly ignoring any sound advice already given.

Insults everyone for not taking this issue seriously.

Repetition of original request for advice.

Posts in before the lock!

Quietly lurks, watching thread with equal amounts of both saddened disbelief and morbid curiosity.

Throwaway joke, with secret hopes that it gets likes.

unwittingly indulges above poster

Figures he should add to topic. Tells OP to "Man the fuck up"

Sits back content that he has done his good deed for mankind today.

Accidentally posts video game deals to the wrong thread.

is this like a monthly itch this forum has to scratch?

Arrives late to the party

Responds directly to OP, asking if poster is high and or on crack.

Proceeds to insist that poster should get over themselves, and just have sex already.

Posts image of an uncertain super villain.

Posts reply that seems witty only to himself. Refreshes the page furiously looking for replies and/or likes to his post.

Clinks the ice around in his empty cup.

Terrik said:

Posts reply that seems witty only to himself. Refreshes the page furiously looking for replies and/or likes to his post.

Clinks the ice around in his empty cup.

Click to expand...

Responds to post with feigned laughter. Notably doesn't rate post as "like" or "funny"

Enraged all-caps response, overgeneralizing and misreading everyone's suggestions. Decrees that there's nothing wrong with me and it's just this particular situation that demands sage advice.
Added at: 09:02

ElJuski said:

is this like a monthly itch this forum has to scratch?

Click to expand...

Informative notation that this thread game hasn't been played in at least a year.

Declaration that you are a long, wooden protrusion lodged in a thick, bog-like substance.

Casually throws in mention of prom night in parentheses for above sentence.

Hijacks thread for questions on own problem, which at first glance seem similar to OP's problem, but actually only has the most tenuous of connections.

Locks thread. Drinks beer.

Loudly proclaims "SONOVA...!"

Asks why this thread is locked, hoping to subtly start the drama-train running again.

Posts a thread opening mocking this one while tying in as many other forum memes as possible.

Facepalms, and wonders why he has this damn place bookmarked in the first place...

Image macro instigating thread derailment by attempting to offend a white knight.

Scrolls all the way to bottom of thread, barely reading anything.

Wants to get involved, so makes post detailing this fact.

--Ends with usual sig

Makes typical remark about doom weasels.

Overly detailed update on the situation, blatantly going against all advice and doing about the last thing that one should have done in the situation.

Declaration of life being over.

Sarcastic expression of desire that op's current choice will lead them to happiness.

Go Leafs!

Posts orthogonally to as many previous statements as possible to try and be an iconoclast.

Uses unnecessarily verbose and redundant verbiage to appear more the virtuozzo.

Necronic said:

Posts orthogonally to as many previous statements as possible to try and be an iconoclast.

Uses unnecessarily verbose and redundant verbiage to appear more the virtuozzo.

Click to expand...

Single word statement of general agreement with quoted post.

Like's previous post to reward supporters.

Comment on how this thread has been completely derailed from its original topic.

Sounds like Nick's prom night.

A long offensive tirade which I quickly replace with [redacted], rather than deleting the post entirely.

Wonders what the hell is wrong with these kids now days...

Posts disparaging personal attack hidden behind the guise of white privilege.

Talks down to everyone in the thread about how embarrassing and meaningless the issue is, and how even perpetuating the thread constitutes a personally hilarious waste of time.

EDIT: Quick self-edit, intimating no offense.

Aggressive dismissal of others because of how they enjoy steak and drink anything other than Scotch neat.

Reads to end of thread, comments.

Fails to note that thread is over a single page long, and second page has derailed into something completely different.

Emphatic post insisting that this thread is lacking in pictures of a particular celebrity.

Officer_Charon said:

Reads to end of thread, comments.

Fails to note that thread is over a single page long, and second page has derailed into something completely different.

Click to expand...

Reminds friendly guy with a gun that derailment is the purpose of advice threads.

figmentPez said:

Emphatic post insisting that this thread is lacking in pictures of a particular celebrity.

Click to expand...

*leaked nude pictures of several celebrities*

Wades through entire thread, wonders openly what reality we're dealing with, makes some comment involving Shego and/or GasBandit.

Post indicating that reality can go have carnal relations with itself.

Followed by an animated GIF of Thor flipping a table.

Obligitory passive aggressive implication that thread meme has been done to death.

Post expressing confusion as to why this thread is so long when everyone posting is an alt of JCM anyway.

Corrects a minor spelling and/or grammatical error of a post on the previous page without quoting said post.

Insults intelligence of person who made minor spelling and/or grammatical error.

Makes a really bad pun about said grammatical error.

Informs original poster that if they want people to stop saying things to them, then the only way to do it is to walk away from the thread.

Is ignored as thread continues to grow out of control.

Fuck the man up!

Comments on how shocked he is that the thread is still going...

Covar said:

Sounds like Nick's prom night.

Click to expand...

Expression consternation in all caps that this is a literary device that compares two objects using either "like" or "as". The statement ends with "!?" to suggest both agitation with some quizzicalness, as though to imply that I cannot believe what I am hearing.

A .gif of somebody seizing a table roughly from below, then raising their arms upwards so as to propel the table upward. Given that all the force lifting the table is concentrated on one side, the other side is not propelled. This leads to the table flipping over. Anything currently contained on the table may be launched off of the table or they may stay on, depending on whether or not the contents of the .gif in question follow the laws of physics.

Posts the same comment twice.
Added at: 17:31
Posts the same comment twice with minor edit.

Posts the same comment a while later.

Necros thread with somewhat relevant video link:

Lights Bat-Signal.

Skims posts. Asks self "WTF is this shit?" while wondering if OP is serious or not and lets out a deep sigh. Decides there is no point in adding to the conversation and moves on.

Thanks spammer for bringing this thread back, acknowledging the opportunity it provided to review previous advice and resoundingly deny own advice upon further reflection.

Request ThatNickGuy provide an update.

General well wishing for OP and any in a similar situation.

Provides an overly-detailed update of the situation, blaming everyone here for telling him what to do. Says that he actually followed the advice, but in completely the wrong way (basically misinterpreting the advice completely), making the whole thing awkward between all parties.

Exclamation of giving up on said situation, promising never to do it again.

ThatNickGuy said:

Exclamation of giving up on said situation, promising never to do it again.

Click to expand...

Query requesting clarification as to the situation which the op will never do again - whether the initial issue, or posting it here and requesting advice?

stienman said:

Query requesting clarification as to the situation which the op will never do again - whether the initial issue, or posting it here and requesting advice?

Click to expand...

Condescendingly stating how it was supposedly obvious that the OP meant the one thing out of the two.

Subtly calling into question the intelligence and worth of the poster who asked the question.

ThatNickGuy said:

Exclamation of giving up on said situation, promising never to do it again.

Click to expand...

Makes sarcastic remark about OP's prom night.

TommiR said:

Condescendingly stating how it was supposedly obvious that the OP meant the one thing out of the two.

Subtly calling into question the intelligence and worth of the poster who asked the question.

Click to expand...

Dismissal of your comment as obvious jealousy of my might and wisdom. Indication that I don't participate in such reprehensible behavior, but that if I did I would likely point out that the female of your nativity's excessive mass requires a distributed peer-to-peer service to move from location to location.

Reads first page.
Skims second page just enough to realize the thread was necro'd.
ignores third page and posts irrelevant question regarding Supermans choice in alcoholic beverage. Seriously, he's Superman. He could at least go for Black label.

stienman said:

Dismissal of your comment as obvious jealousy of my might and wisdom. Indication that I don't participate in such reprehensible behavior, but that if I did I would likely point out that the female of your nativity's excessive mass requires a distributed peer-to-peer service to move from location to location.

Click to expand...

Quotes a first-page post from you, and completely ignores the fact that it was made with the limited information available at the time regarding OP's situation. Takes a minor point or careless turn of phrase in the quote that could be interpreted to mean something odd, and expands that into a big fat strawman, using an excessively long wall of text to hide the tortured logic underneath. Proceeds to gleefully tear apart that strawman.

Finishes with a mocking comment that sounded good in his mind, but which looks a lot less impressive written down.