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... a poultry music festival?










Chickenstock

... a fish with no eyes?




A fsh!

:clap: Yaaaaaaaay keep em coming!


Why did the fish hide at the bottom of the pond?




It was koi!

A mushroom walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "You'll have to leave. We don't serve your kind."
The mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

So, a piece of string enters a bar and orders a drink. The bartender stops him short and says, "We don't serve your kind around here." Dejected, the string starts heading home.

As soon as he leaves the bar, he thinks of an idea that would get him in for sure! He goes into the alley and starts rolling around on the floor. Twisting himself, scratching himself, he becomes quite the sight! A stray cat even started scratching at his threads! Some of the patrons of the bar hear the commotion and as they watch him, they scratch their heads in wonder.

The string gets up, dusts himself off lightly, smiles at his audience, and walks back into the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says,"You're not that piece of string, are you?"

"Nope," he replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

---------- Post added at 08:33 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:31 PM ----------

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin, a blueberry muffin, exclaims, "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The other muffin, an impressionable cranberry muffin, exclaims, "Gee willikers! A talking muffin!"

That's one of my favorite jokes ever in the whole wide world and the universe.

Two cows are grazing in a pasture. One says to the other "so have you heard about this Mad Cow Disease? Scary stuff."

The second cow looks at him and says "Oh, well it doesn't concern me. I'm a helicopter!"

Hahahahahahahhahaa!!!!!

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'


He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!


Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!


This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

No. :humph:

Pssssh.

In before "Better Nate than lever."

Oh, if anyone posts that I will give them such a pinch...

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What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?

"Decafinated"

I'm too lazy to tell the joke. You just get the punchline

"five bucks. Same as in town..."

Where do you take a sick wasp?

To the Waspital

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Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, "So, do you know how to drive this thing?"

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A bar, set on the edge of the jungle, is having a rather slow day. Eventually, a gorilla walks in and sits down at the bar. It then drops a stack of money on the bar. The bartender is scared but eventually approaches it. The gorilla taps the bar and points at a bottle of whiskey. The bartender pours a drink and edges it towards the gorilla. It grabs up the drink and downs it. It then pushes the pile of money towards the bartender. Thinking quickly, he pulls out two of the largest bills. The gorilla taps the bar again and the scene repeats. The gorilla then picks up the pile of money and starts walking out. Just as it reaches the door the bartender turns to one of the other patrons and says, "I've never had a gorilla in my bar before." The gorilla turns around and says, "At these prices, it's no wonder!" and then walks out.

A bee flies home to the hive, and is greeted by his friend who asks him where he's been. "Oh I found a nearby bar mitzvah with the freshest flowers! You should really go!"
So off his friend flies to gather some nectar. After a little while the first bee decides he'll return and see if he can catch up with his friend. When he arrives he sees that his friend is buzzing around with a flower petal on his head.
"Hey," says the first bee, "What's with the petal?"
"Oh," says his friend, "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?











Full.

I love you.

my uncle told me this when i was 8 I didnt get it until I was like 14.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
Because he was stuck in the chicken.

how many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None..they'll just sit in the dark and write sad poetry about how much they miss the light.

What does a snail on top of a turtle say?





Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

What do you call a creature that has eight or more legs and no brain?


A committee.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

A baby seal walks into a club . . .
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. . . Thank you!

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A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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Thank you!

I love that last one. It is one of my favorites.

Iba un camión de frutas y uno de agua y chocaron y BOING!


I'm sorry, doesn't work anywhere else but Mexico, but Morphine is gonna LOVE that one :smug:

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

So this New York stock broker gets tired of life in the big city. He can't stand the crowds, lines, traffic, and noise anymore. He decides to retire and get away from it all, so he quits his job, closes all his bank accounts, and uses the money to buy himself a cabin in the backwoods of Minnesota. It's exactly what he wants: the nearest town is an hour away and he's relaxed for the first time in his life. He goes to the post office every couple days and drives into town for groceries once or twice a month. After six months of this isolation, however, he starts to get a little lonely. Then one day he hears a knock on the door.

He opens it to find an enormous, bearded man in a plaid lumberjack shirt. The huge guy says, "Hi, I'm Fred. My cabin is about a twenty minute drive away from yours. I've seen you in town and I figure since we're neighbors we should get to know each other. I'm having a party tomorrow night at around eight. Would you like to come?"

"Oh, you bet! It's been such a long time since I went to a party!"

"Great. But there's a few things I'll have to warn you about. There's gonna be a lot of drinking."

"Hey, that's fine. I can hold my booze."

"And there might be some fighting."

"Don't worry about that. People like me."

"And there's definitely gonna be some sex towards the end."

"That's awesome. It's been so long since I've slept with someone."

"Great. I'll see you tomorrow then."

Fred starts walking away but then the city slicker realizes he forgot to ask something. "Wait!" he called after him. "What should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us."

A guy walks into a store and asks the clerk if they sell potato clocks. The clerk has never heard of a potato clock, so he asks the guy what he'll need it for, to see if he can suggest a suitable replacement.

"Well," the guy says, "I just went to a job interview today, and I got the job, and my boss said I start tomorrow at nine, so I should get a potato clock."

To the OP:

A henfest?

I wonder if eggs dream of being whisked away to a beater life?

Jay said:

What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?

"Decafinated"

Click to expand...

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

Udder failure



What do you call a cow that tried to jump the fence but didn't quite make it?

Udder destruction

what do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

dam!

What did Tarzan say when he saw an Elephant coming over the hill?

LOOK an Elephant.


What did Tarzan say the next day when he saw an Elephant coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?


Nothing, he did not recognize him.

North_Ranger said:

To the OP:

A henfest?

Click to expand...

Heyy, that's also good.

bhamv3 said:

A guy walks into a store and asks the clerk if they sell potato clocks. The clerk has never heard of a potato clock, so he asks the guy what he'll need it for, to see if he can suggest a suitable replacement.

"Well," the guy says, "I just went to a job interview today, and I got the job, and my boss said I start tomorrow at nine, so I should get a potato clock."

Click to expand...

I don't get it!!

get up at eight o clock said very fast = get a potato clock

say it out loud


Drats, ninjad again!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

aaaaaahhhh... wow, sometimes it's quite obvious english isn't really my first language, isn't it?

The Mex said:

aaaaaahhhh... wow, sometimes it's quite obvious english isn't really my first language, isn't it?

Click to expand...

Well, English is my first language and it took me a few minutes of saying it out loud before I got it.

Hylian said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

Click to expand...

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He sat up late at night wondering whether or not there was a Dog.

sixpackshaker;370522][QUOTE=Hylian said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

Click to expand...

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He sat up late at night wondering whether or not there was a Dog.[/QUOTE]

I like that one. Is that a Stephen Wright joke?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Man... does anyone else get that where you THINK "wow, yeah, that's a pretty funny joke" but you don't LAUGH?

what's up with that?

Cajungal said:

... a poultry music festival?

Chickenstock

Click to expand...

If it has a dance contest, you could call that part: "Poultry in Motion"

The Mex said:

Man... does anyone else get that where you THINK "wow, yeah, that's a pretty funny joke" but you don't LAUGH?

what's up with that?

Click to expand...

Then I have to ask you this question....Are you a Mexican? Or a Mexicant?

dr_awkward;370523][QUOTE=sixpackshaker;370522][QUOTE=Hylian said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

Click to expand...

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He sat up late at night wondering whether or not there was a Dog.[/QUOTE]

I like that one. Is that a Stephen Wright joke?[/QUOTE]

Yeah, about 25 years old.

These just popped up on Comixed:

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The Mex said:

Iba un camión de frutas y uno de agua y chocaron y BOING!


I'm sorry, doesn't work anywhere else but Mexico, but Morphine is gonna LOVE that one :smug:

Click to expand...

sniff, I feel so sorry for all these people that cannot and will never understand this joke. It made me laugh so much.





Teacher tells the kids to make up a sentence using the words liver and cheese:
White kid says: My mommy is the best cook, she made me a delicious liver and cheese sandwich.
Black kid says: Papa told mah' momma to go get the government cheese but she didn't so he punched her in the liver.
Mexi kid says: Some cabrones were trying to look up my sister's dress and I told them fuckers: HEY! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!

The Mex said:

Iba un camión de frutas y uno de agua y chocaron y BOING!

Click to expand...

There went a fruit truck and one of water and chocolate and BOING?

I don't get it.

...chocolate!?

LMAO!

Chocolate in Spanish is chocolate, dude. Pronounced differently, but spelled exactly the same.

Whoops. That's what I get for skimming the post.

XD

for the spanish speakers: "Boing!" is a fruit drink that's been around in Mexico for like 60 years or more, several fruit flavors, all of them awesome.


aaaaaaaand i kill another joke explaining it.

a fruit truck and a water truck collide and create the fruit drink.

The equivalent joke in the US is: I saw a vinegar truck hit a water truck on the freeway the other day...*douche*!

A truck carrying blue paint and a truck carrying red paint collide. Both drivers were marooned.

Two tuba players walk PAST a bar.



Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Vytamindi said:

Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Click to expand...

.

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer,” and the bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”

two atoms bump into each other. The first atom says "I think I lost an electron."

The second atom asks "Are you sure?"

The first atom replies "Yes, I'm positive."


Also, that video is great.