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Dear Dave or Jay,

So I've started to date this girl. We started off on eHarmony and talked with each other for a few weeks. Then we had our first date last weekend and she's already planning on coming down to College Station for a weekend (she lives in Waco). We communicate on a daily, reciprocal basis and we're both comfortable with it.

There is no problem with the dating relationship. She's really cool and I'm starting to like her. She's also dropping hints about "things to come" and saying she's excited to see me again. But there is a bit of a situation because I am returning to Qatar at the end of the month. My flight leaves on August 31 and I won't be back until early December. I have a non-teaching position so I won't have to stick around for finals, which means I can leave a couple weeks early. The contract ends in December so when I leave Qatar I'll be leaving for good.

Honestly, I didn't mention it to her because I didn't think it would matter at first. It also isn't something you typically say upon meeting someone. I originally didn't expect this relationship to even start because EVERY other girl I've dated this summer has brushed me off or given me the cold shoulder after the first date. But this girl is saying that she wants to go to Midnight Yell with me. For the non-Aggies here, Midnight Yell is held at Kyle Field the night before every Texas A&M home game. The Yell Leaders lead everyone in the traditional school cheers and the Aggie War Hymn. Towards the end, the stadium lights dim and you make out with your date. She wanted to buy the two of us tickets for First Yell next month (the first Midnight Yell of the season) and that's a huge event. I told her to hold off on that because I'll be out of town that night, which is true enough.

I was thinking about waiting until the third or fourth date, if it lasts that long, then telling her as gently as possible when she's in the best mood possible. If she wants the relationship to continue, I'll offer to fly her to Qatar for a week or so in the middle of the semester. That way we'll have two relatively short 6-week breaks instead of an entire semester without seeing each other. Plus she said she wants to travel.

So what do you think is the best way to break the news to her? I really want to tell her, especially if the relationship progresses, but I'm not sure when the best time would be.

Having been in this situation as the girlfriend in a young relationship whose boyfriend was leaving to be stationed in Sicily for two years I say tell her as soon as possible. Don't beat around the bush or sugar-coat things. Be honest about your situation as well as your feelings for her and what you want from your relationship. Let her decide if she thinks she can maintain a long distance relationship. My boyfriend (now husband) told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, but he understood if I didn't think I could do it. Granted, two years is a lot longer than 3-4 months, but long separations can be hard and long distance relationships are not easy to deal with especially when the relationship is new. You might be able to start talking about it by telling her why you can't go to the Midnight Yell. You said you'll be out of town, but you should tell her the rest of the story too.

WasabiPoptart said:

tell her as soon as possible.

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This.

--Patrick

Spend the weekend with her. Be cool about it. Treat her well. And it'll give you a good idea on how things are going with her.
If you're still talking next week, tell her that you'll be gone for 3 months to fulfill a commitment and you didn't want to ruin something in the works.

Plus, by showing her that you can be committed to your work, you demonstrate that you can be committed to... other things, too.

Okay, I'll tell her after the next time we go out. We've both got finals next week, so I'll ask her about next weekend. This is solid advice and I shall follow it. Thanks a lot.

Wait until that last day you'll see her, and tell her you waited so you could spend the rest of your time together without sadness, and to make your exit as traumatic as possible.

Quotemander Prime said:

Wait until that last day you'll see her, and tell her you waited so you could spend the rest of your time together without sadness, and to make your exit as traumatic as possible.

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Sounds like good advice to me! A couple more weeks of potentially fun relationship while being guilt-ridden and hiding things for her more than makes up for keeping her in the dark up to the last moment and destroying your chance at a long-term relationship.

Alternatively, tell her two weeks after you get back.

Bubble181 said:

Sounds like good advice to me! A couple more weeks of potentially fun relationship while being guilt-ridden and hiding things for her more than makes up for keeping her in the dark up to the last moment and destroying your chance at a long-term relationship.

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It'll work, just like in the movies or overblown tv season finales.

Just leave. Without saying a word. Let rumors fly about the possibility of your demise or that you've been kidnapped by the mob. Do not contact anyone the entire time you are in Qatar. Then show up at home out of the blue. She will be so happy that you're alive and well that it won't matter if you've been gone for 4 months. And if this goes along the same lines of the soap opera I just wrote about she will tell you she had your baby while you were gone and gave it up for adoption to a woman who will turn out to be your long lost sister that has harbored a deep-seated hatred for your family ever since she was run out of town for marrying a man who was involved in a scheme to "steal" the city's newspaper in a hostile take over.

Ravenpoe said:

Alternatively, tell her two weeks after you get back.

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But I'd need a distraction to keep her occupied in the meantime. Hmmm... what can I do? I got it! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!

Tell her you have to go overseas on a "mission". Tell her you can't talk about it and if you come back you'll pick up where you left off. Then put your hand to your ear and mumble something, look wildly around and sprint out of the room yelling, "How did they FIND me?!?"

Dave said:

Tell her you have to go overseas on a "mission". Tell her you can't talk about it and if you come back you'll pick up where you left off. Then put your hand to your ear and mumble something, look wildly around and sprint out of the room yelling, "How did they FIND me?!?"

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Oddly enough I was just going to come post pretty much exactly this. Great minds...

Espy said:

Oddly enough I was just going to come post pretty much exactly this. Great minds...

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...and random people who happen to have a thought once or twice a day...

Well, I told her. Due to various circumstances on both our ends, I had to send her an email. She said she'd need to think about it, but she's still talking with me and is now starting to begin her sentences with "If we get together long-term..."

So... good, right?

Sounds promising to me!

That does sound promising. Though, if it were me, I'd have been super pissed to get told that via email.

Believe me, I wish I could have told her in person. But, between my preliminary exams preparations (they start tomorrow) and her family up and about, an email was the best way. We'd been texting back and forth all evening, but I didn't want to send it to her via text because that's just lame.

IronBrig4 said:

Believe me, I wish I could have told her in person. But, between my preliminary exams preparations (they start tomorrow) and her family up and about, an email was the best way. We'd been texting back and forth all evening, but I didn't want to send it to her via text because that's just lame.

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I'm not judging. If it worked out, great, and good luck to you both.

I'd have just picked up the phone.

She made her decision. She said that she's not ready to travel such a long way to visit someone (she doesn't even have a passport). But she wants to keep getting to know me and wants to stay in touch while I'm gone. She also said something about it being more special when I get back, and then informed me that she wants to visit this weekend.

So I guess that's good.

As an aside, how does a 29-year-old not have a passport?

I'm 43 and don't have a passport. Just a few years ago, I did not need one for Canada or Mexico. I think my dad was 75+ before he got his first one.

Glad it went well and that she wants to keep in touch.

IronBrig4 said:

She made her decision. She said that she's not ready to travel such a long way to visit someone (she doesn't even have a passport). But she wants to keep getting to know me and wants to stay in touch while I'm gone. She also said something about it being more special when I get back, and then informed me that she wants to visit this weekend.

So I guess that's good.

As an aside, how does a 29-year-old not have a passport?

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I'm 27 and don't have a passport. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the majority of 29 year olds do not have one.[DOUBLEPOST=1344832152][/DOUBLEPOST]

That is, assuming we're talking about America. If Europe, then yeah, that would probably be weirder.

Guess the old stereotype of Americans holds true still huh?
I've had a passport since I was 12

I've had a passport all my life. Even though I don't need one for international travel, it's nice to have one when I go to places that are occupied by the military and I don't want to be associated with the military.

Bubble181 said:

Guess the old stereotype of Americans holds true still huh?
I've had a passport since I was 12

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I live in a border state and can drive 800 (1300km +/-) miles in all but one direction and not hit a foreign nation. It is still 400 miles for me to reach Mexico. So the stereotype is true we are a large nation.

Bubble181 said:

Guess the old stereotype of Americans holds true still huh?
I've had a passport since I was 12

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Notice where I made the distinction between America and Europe? It's more common to need a passport in Europe than America. I can drive the length of Europe across America and never hit a foreign border.

And I'm not even sure if a passport is needed to go to Mexico or Canada.

Ravenpoe said:

And I'm not even sure if a passport is needed to go to Mexico or Canada.

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Some of the Homeland Security and Patriot Act Reforms, made passports necessary. Since the changes came online in the last 5-8 years, I have not needed to go to Mexico.

If you're trying to get into Canada from the USA I'm pretty sure you need a passport now. We Canadians certainly need them to get into the USA.

I've had a passport since I was a wee lad. I have passports for my little ones too (ages 3.5 years and 10 months).

You should have staged your trip like a kidnapping my international spies. Invite her over, but trash your place before you leave. An hour or so before she would get there send her a message about "something came up but I should have it dealt with by the time you're here. Still though, I want you to know I care about you just in case"

3 months later show up bruised and bloodied only able to say "mission accomplished" before passing out in her arms. (bonus points, pay someone to be blasting some Aerosmith nearby for added effect)

When she asks about it later just stare off into the distance for a few seconds and say "It's done. I'm out. I don't want to talk about it"

Bubble181 said:

Guess the old stereotype of Americans holds true still huh?
I've had a passport since I was 12

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"Don't be intimidated by Europeans who can speak 11 different languages. Cause in Europe, it's often a half hour to two hour drive to go from one language to another. In America, you can drive for 8 days and not run into another language." - Bill Cosby

GasBandit said:

"Don't be intimidated by Europeans who can speak 11 different languages. Cause in Europe, it's often a half hour to two hour drive to go from one language to another. In America, you can drive for 8 days and not run into another language." - Bill Cosby

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Que?

Ravenpoe said:

Que?

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take off, eh hoser?

GasBandit said:

take off, eh hoser?

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Now say that in Navajo, Mohican and a couple of dozen other languages

There are at least four states that offer enhanced drivers licenses which allow you to cross the border on land without a passport, Michigan being one of them. Only takes a quick trip to the local secretary of states office with you current license, birth certificate, and pay stub or social security card and you get it two weeks later. Children just need a birth certificate when crossing the border.

It's a whole lot cheaper and faster than a passport, though I still want one eventually.

Bubble181 said:

Now say that in Navajo, Mohican and a couple of dozen other languages

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Pfft, that's like telling me an Italian needs to learn Latin.

In related news people in major cities have no use for drivers licenses.

IronBrig4 said:

As an aside, how does a 29-year-old not have a passport?

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I'm 32 and don't have a passport. When I still lived near Canada, all I needed was to wave at border guards, they never even checked ID. (Guess how long ago that was lol) I have no desire to go to Mexico, and visiting countries by plane is really expensive for a family of 4.

IronBrig4 said:

As an aside, how does a 29-year-old not have a passport?

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I didn't get mine until I was 31. I never needed it until I met my husband. I had no reason to have one until then.

I've had a passport for a long while, but my family loves to travel and like others said, you need one to cross the border. Also I think its only about $20 difference between a passport and enhanced license and theres never a situation where you can use an enhanced license but not a passport.

So here's an update:

I got to Qatar and we talked about once or twice a week. That was fine, especially considering that the semester went into full swing. She works full-time in addition to a full load of classes so I was grateful that she found the time. I also called her via Skype on occasion, although that was rare because there's an 8-hour time difference. The emails from her gradually became more infrequent and then I didn't hear anything for two weeks. Before you think it, I didn't bombard her with emails or anything like that. When she didn't respond to the last couple emails I stopped because I'm not desperate. I was just about to tell her it wasn't going to work. I sent her a final quick "hi, how are you?" before that, however, and she responded.

Before I left, we'd established that we were both talking with other matches (remember, we met on a dating site). We'd both agreed that we could date other people while I was away so long as we kept talking with each other. She apologized for the gaps in communication but said that she's been extremely busy. Also, she's been exclusive with somebody and "it just sorta happened." She wants to pursue a relationship with him but also wants to remain friends with me. He's an Army officer and is being transferred away in March, but she wants to see what happens until then. From her email, it looks like she's been dating him for a while. I wasn't upset because she's dating somebody else (I'm considering a couple Canadian girls here), but that she kept me in the dark until it was too late for me to do anything. If the situation was reversed, I'd definitely tell her as soon as things progressed with a girl. She was also definitely not too busy because she found time to start an exclusive relationship. Anyways, I said there wasn't any way we could have a friendship right now because of the reasons I mentioned. That started an exhausting fight. She wants me to reconsider and we're both taking a couple days to think it through.

Experience has taught me that "I hope we can be friends" is often Womanese for "I can't see you anymore, but I'm offering a sham friendship so I won't have to feel guilty." I'm still inclined to refuse a friendship with her. Do you all think I'm being unfair or not?

I'm pretty sure her life won't be affected either way. You could just not respond.

IronBrig4 said:

Experience has taught me that "I hope we can be friends" is often Womanese for "I can't see you anymore, but I'm offering a sham friendship so I won't have to feel guilty." I'm still inclined to refuse a friendship with her. Do you all think I'm being unfair or not?

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Ignore her and move on.

This is new for me. Usually I'm the one asking the girl to reconsider. But I really don't want to be friends with this girl. She already ended the romantic relationship without even trying to work it out. I don't see anything stopping her from dissolving the friendship in the future so I'm just going to save myself the trouble.

And to the Canadian forumites, what's the best way to show a Newfoundland girl that you're interested?

Meh. From her perspective you knew long before you left that you would be leaving, and didn't tell her for some time, and you were the one that left. She understands that your career is more important to you than your relationship with her, and she found that her needs weren't being met in a long distance relationship. When you left you both knew you would be "talking" to other matches, in effect leaving the option open to both of you to actively pursue other romantic options while being in a long distance relationship, knowing the outcome might be a breakup.

She might have told you "I'm going on a date" but if nothing came of it, that one announcement may have ended your relationship anyway. So she might have decided to see where it goes without discussing it until she knew that it was going to be a worthwhile relationship.

The fact is that she didn't need to tell you. This new guy is likely to be gone by the time you return - if you return - and she could have tried to keep both of you. But she didn't. She came clean, knowing it might hurt both of you, and that you might be so annoyed that you wouldn't even want to be friends with her.

She forgave you for starting a relationship with her knowing that you are probably leaving, is she otherwise a good enough friend that its worth forgiving her for not telling you immediately when she starts thinking about another relationship?

I don't know the answer, but I think that you and she really got along well, and liked each other, and you should consider the sum total of your whole experience with her before burning any bridges.

lol @ Womanese

Ah yes, she is in a new relationship but wants to keep you around. Not for a"backup" of course, but for a "friend". Yes... a "friend"...

IronBrig4 said:

Do you all think I'm being unfair or not?

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IronBrig4 said:

I really don't want to be friends with this girl.

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I think it would be unfair if you considered a friendship that you were not interested in. Tell her you're sorry things didn't work out between you, you're not interested in a friendship, you're also not interested in fighting for something you don't want, and leave it at that. I believe she treated you unfairly by not being upfront about her new relationship. It sounds to me like she wants to keep you in reserve.
I hope things go well with the Canadian girls!

Yeah, breaking up but saying "we can still be friends" is like saying "your dog died, but you can keep the corpse if you want."

IronBrig4 said:

And to the Canadian forumites, what's the best way to show a Newfoundland girl that you're interested?

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Crabs.

GasBandit said:

Yeah, breaking up but saying "we can still be friends" is like saying "your dog died, but you can keep the corpse if you want."

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The only way staying friends works is if both parties actually decided mutually that they weren't getting anything out of the relationship. Anything else, and it's one person hoping to get back with the other who doesn't want them at all.