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Who would you call to the stand and why?
#1
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
So I remembered this bit from Clerks: The Animated Series...
I thought it'd create a fun discussion. If given this same opportunity, who would you call to the stand and why? Just to make the discussion more diverse, we'll include other forms of media, like TV shows, books, comics, music, etc.
Some of mine:
-Jean-Pierre Jeunet, for Alien Resurrection
-John R Leonetti, for Mortal Kombat Annihilation (this and A: R I saw back to back in theatres back in the day).
-Michael Bay, for Transformers 1 (the only one I paid money to see)
-JJ Abrams, for Lost, the Star Trek reboots
-Mark Millar, for just about every comic he ever wrote
-Rob Liefeld, for...just being Rob Liefeld
I thought it'd create a fun discussion. If given this same opportunity, who would you call to the stand and why? Just to make the discussion more diverse, we'll include other forms of media, like TV shows, books, comics, music, etc.
Some of mine:
-Jean-Pierre Jeunet, for Alien Resurrection
-John R Leonetti, for Mortal Kombat Annihilation (this and A: R I saw back to back in theatres back in the day).
-Michael Bay, for Transformers 1 (the only one I paid money to see)
-JJ Abrams, for Lost, the Star Trek reboots
-Mark Millar, for just about every comic he ever wrote
-Rob Liefeld, for...just being Rob Liefeld
#2
Celt Z
Celt Z
I've mentioned it before, but Roger Zelazny for the Amber crap-fest. Yes, they'd need to dig him up or get a Ouijia board, but I'll wait.
#3
Yoshimickster
Yoshimickster
-Michael Turner for deciding to make Kara Zor-El half-naked after a tearful reunion with her cousin Kal-El in Superman/Batman.
-The writer of Dragon Ball GT, for a multitude of reasons not forgetting how Pan couldn't turn Super Sayain for some idiotic probably sexist reason.
-Whoever the hell organized the Hellboy trade paper backs! Sure in Sandman the trades weren't always in release order, but most of them were the ones full of one-shots. THESE on the other hand had stories that were supposed to be read in chronological order, and it is confusing.
-Aaron Macgruder for making Sarah Dubois a boring house wife rather than a cool defense attorney for the U.N. like in the comics. Also oddly enough I feel the show was down right hilarious at times, the comic did much more in a censored comic strip environment rather than an uncensored TV environment. And Huey might as well not have been there in seasons three and four. FINAL ALSO- they promised Caesar, and no Caesar was seen. LIES!
-Tatsuya Ishida, for letting his obvious insanity leak into Sinfiest thereby making it suck.
-Matt Groening, Seth Macfarlane, Scott Kurtz and the Penny Arcade guys for beating their own respective dead horse.
-Cartoon Network for cancelling every DC show but Teen Titans Go! No need to explain more.
-Nickelodeon for showing all there good shows on there web-site where you can only pause for like a minute before it starts up again!!! Is that just me? I hope it is.
-The writer of Dragon Ball GT, for a multitude of reasons not forgetting how Pan couldn't turn Super Sayain for some idiotic probably sexist reason.
-Whoever the hell organized the Hellboy trade paper backs! Sure in Sandman the trades weren't always in release order, but most of them were the ones full of one-shots. THESE on the other hand had stories that were supposed to be read in chronological order, and it is confusing.
-Aaron Macgruder for making Sarah Dubois a boring house wife rather than a cool defense attorney for the U.N. like in the comics. Also oddly enough I feel the show was down right hilarious at times, the comic did much more in a censored comic strip environment rather than an uncensored TV environment. And Huey might as well not have been there in seasons three and four. FINAL ALSO- they promised Caesar, and no Caesar was seen. LIES!
-Tatsuya Ishida, for letting his obvious insanity leak into Sinfiest thereby making it suck.
-Matt Groening, Seth Macfarlane, Scott Kurtz and the Penny Arcade guys for beating their own respective dead horse.
-Cartoon Network for cancelling every DC show but Teen Titans Go! No need to explain more.
-Nickelodeon for showing all there good shows on there web-site where you can only pause for like a minute before it starts up again!!! Is that just me? I hope it is.
#4
bhamv3
bhamv3
The people responsible for porting Resident Evil 4 to PC. Seriously, making me pay money for an unplayable port like this has to be some kind of actionable offense.
#5
Terrik
Erm...what was the PA guys' dead horse again?
Terrik
Yess.....-Matt Groening, Seth Macfarlane, Scott Kurtz and the Penny Arcade guys for beating their own respective dead horse.
Erm...what was the PA guys' dead horse again?
#6
Yoshimickster
Yoshimickster
Two guys having an angry conversation about something with no real punchline. Not all the time mind you, but really it gets old and I dread those strips to no end.Yess.....
Erm...what was the PA guys' dead horse again?
#7
GasBandit
GasBandit
Hah, "Who would you call to the stand." I saw it and said "OOH AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A CLERKS ANIMATED JOKE ABOUT WANTING MY 8 BUCKS BACK" and turns out that IS the thread.
Legends of the Fall. I want my 8 bucks back.
Legends of the Fall. I want my 8 bucks back.
#8
Yoshimickster
Yoshimickster
Universal Interactive for Spyro: Year of the DragonFly
Anyone who complains about Skylanders being the worst Spyro sequel can DIE IN FIFTEEN FIRES! If there's anyone still complaining about it that is, I am really glad we have gotten over that.
Anyone who complains about Skylanders being the worst Spyro sequel can DIE IN FIFTEEN FIRES! If there's anyone still complaining about it that is, I am really glad we have gotten over that.
#9
Null
Null
Robert Altman for Ready-to-Wear. Fuck that movie right in the eye.
#10
Hailey Knight
Hailey Knight
If you're gonna call him, you'd need to call Joss Whedon as well. They're both equally at fault; Jeunet directed it, but Whedon was the writer.-Jean-Pierre Jeunet, for Alien Resurrection
#11
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
From what I understand, they changed and butchered his original script so much that it was barely recognisable from what he wrote. So no entirely his fault.If you're gonna call him, you'd need to call Joss Whedon as well. They're both equally at fault; Jeunet directed it, but Whedon was the writer.
#12
Dave
Dave
WHAT?!? Are you talking about the original trilogy or the later stuff that sucked? Because the Amber series (the first trilogy) is amazing.I've mentioned it before, but Roger Zelazny for the Amber crap-fest. Yes, they'd need to dig him up or get a Ouijia board, but I'll wait.
#13
Celt Z
Celt Z
Mostly the second 5 books, but even the first 5 had gaping plot holes that never got addressed. He would spend page upon page discribing the "plane shifting" or whatever, but repeatedly introduced characters with little or no introduction, and wouldn't explain their signifigance. And given the make-up of the Amber universe, it would be like making Star Wars a book and talking endlessly about space or Tatoonie, but never describing what a Wookie is or Jabba is a giant worm mob boss who Han owes money.WHAT?!? Are you talking about the original trilogy or the later stuff that sucked? Because the Amber series (the first trilogy) is amazing.
#14
CynicismKills
CynicismKills
Bear. Bear can't drive car, how can that be? I want to see a license.
#15
GasBandit
GasBandit
Big mean man whip us. We are slaves.Bear. Bear can't drive car, how can that be? I want to see a license.
#16
Null
Cracked had a couple samples (from 6 Famously Terrible Movies That Were Almost Awesome):
Here's how Whedon described it in the screenplay:
"An alien, to be sure, but nothing we've seen so far, its forelegs arch out of its back like spiders legs, its back legs set on enormous haunches, thick and powerful. Its head is long, eyeless, like the others, but along its white expanse red veins, coming out of the skin and running like thick black hairs to the back. It has retracted pincers at the side of head that come out when its tongue does. It's much bigger than the others, nearly the size of the queen herself.
And it's bone white."
"It LEAPS up to the ceiling in a second, quick and effortless as a monstrous flea. [It] leaps again and lands on the screaming soldier ... pincers SWING out and pin either side of his head. His eyes go wide as:
Its tongue SHOOTS into his throat. We watch it drain the blood from his body. We can see it, see its stomach swell, red tinged, as his body goes blue and slack."
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_1935...s-that-were-almost-awesome.html#ixzz3HekYOuKN
In a 2009 Interview with JW:
Q: I thought your original screenplay for “Alien: Resurrection” was brilliant – with its epic final battle on Earth, for Earth – and vastly more engrossing than what ultimately made its way to the screen. I have to assume there were budgetary issues, because I can’t imagine another reason anyone would tinker with it.
JW: Well, let me ask you something. This ending that took place on Earth. What happened in it? Where did it take place?
Q: It took place in a forest …
JW: Yes. Oh, wow. That’s the first one. There were five. And it was always either “the director had a vision” or they had a budget issue. And as a script doctor I’ve been called in more than a few times, and the issue is always the same: “We want you to make the third act more exciting and cheaper.” And my response inevitably is, “The problem with the third act is the first two acts.” This response is never listened to. I usually walk away having gotten one or two jokes into a script and made some money and feeling like I am just bereft of life. It’s horrible. The exceptions were “Toy Story” and “Speed,” where they actually let me do something.
In the case of “Alien: Resurrection,” they decided to spend their money in other places than going to Earth. And I just kept saying, “The reason people are here is we’re going to do the thing we’ve never done; we’re gonna go to Earth.” But there were a lot of things that we hadn’t done that we ended up not doing because of a singular lack of vision.
But rather than go into all of the reasons why “Alien: Resurrection” is disappointing to me, I will tell you that, yes, I wrote five endings. The first one was in the forest with the flying threshing machine. The second one was in a futuristic junkyard. The third one was in a maternity ward. And the fourth one was in the desert. Now at this point this had become about money, and I said, “You know, the desert looks like Mars. That’s not Earth; that’s not going to give people that juice.” But I still wrote them the best ending I could that took place in the desert. And then finally they said, “Y’knowww, we just don’t think we need to go to Earth.” So I just gave them dialogue and stuff, but I don’t remember writing, “A withered, granny-lookin’ Pumkinhead-kinda-thing makes out with Ripley.” Pretty sure that stage direction never existed in any of my drafts.
Null
Yeah, it was apparently supposed to be immensely different. http://www.horrorlair.com/scripts/alienresurrection_early.htmlFrom what I understand, they changed and butchered his original script so much that it was barely recognisable from what he wrote. So no entirely his fault.
Cracked had a couple samples (from 6 Famously Terrible Movies That Were Almost Awesome):
Here's how Whedon described it in the screenplay:
"An alien, to be sure, but nothing we've seen so far, its forelegs arch out of its back like spiders legs, its back legs set on enormous haunches, thick and powerful. Its head is long, eyeless, like the others, but along its white expanse red veins, coming out of the skin and running like thick black hairs to the back. It has retracted pincers at the side of head that come out when its tongue does. It's much bigger than the others, nearly the size of the queen herself.
And it's bone white."
"It LEAPS up to the ceiling in a second, quick and effortless as a monstrous flea. [It] leaps again and lands on the screaming soldier ... pincers SWING out and pin either side of his head. His eyes go wide as:
Its tongue SHOOTS into his throat. We watch it drain the blood from his body. We can see it, see its stomach swell, red tinged, as his body goes blue and slack."
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_1935...s-that-were-almost-awesome.html#ixzz3HekYOuKN
In a 2009 Interview with JW:
Q: I thought your original screenplay for “Alien: Resurrection” was brilliant – with its epic final battle on Earth, for Earth – and vastly more engrossing than what ultimately made its way to the screen. I have to assume there were budgetary issues, because I can’t imagine another reason anyone would tinker with it.
JW: Well, let me ask you something. This ending that took place on Earth. What happened in it? Where did it take place?
Q: It took place in a forest …
JW: Yes. Oh, wow. That’s the first one. There were five. And it was always either “the director had a vision” or they had a budget issue. And as a script doctor I’ve been called in more than a few times, and the issue is always the same: “We want you to make the third act more exciting and cheaper.” And my response inevitably is, “The problem with the third act is the first two acts.” This response is never listened to. I usually walk away having gotten one or two jokes into a script and made some money and feeling like I am just bereft of life. It’s horrible. The exceptions were “Toy Story” and “Speed,” where they actually let me do something.
In the case of “Alien: Resurrection,” they decided to spend their money in other places than going to Earth. And I just kept saying, “The reason people are here is we’re going to do the thing we’ve never done; we’re gonna go to Earth.” But there were a lot of things that we hadn’t done that we ended up not doing because of a singular lack of vision.
But rather than go into all of the reasons why “Alien: Resurrection” is disappointing to me, I will tell you that, yes, I wrote five endings. The first one was in the forest with the flying threshing machine. The second one was in a futuristic junkyard. The third one was in a maternity ward. And the fourth one was in the desert. Now at this point this had become about money, and I said, “You know, the desert looks like Mars. That’s not Earth; that’s not going to give people that juice.” But I still wrote them the best ending I could that took place in the desert. And then finally they said, “Y’knowww, we just don’t think we need to go to Earth.” So I just gave them dialogue and stuff, but I don’t remember writing, “A withered, granny-lookin’ Pumkinhead-kinda-thing makes out with Ripley.” Pretty sure that stage direction never existed in any of my drafts.
#17
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
Okay, I've been reading that Cracked article that Null posted. I have a new person to call to the stand:
Ridley Scott, for FUCKING UP what could've been a great film in Nottingham. Seriously, I remember hearing about this script before the movie was being made and I couldn't goddamn wait to see it.
Fuck you, Ridley Scott. Fuck you.
And while you're at it, I want my 12 bucks back for Prometheus.
Ridley Scott, for FUCKING UP what could've been a great film in Nottingham. Seriously, I remember hearing about this script before the movie was being made and I couldn't goddamn wait to see it.
Fuck you, Ridley Scott. Fuck you.
And while you're at it, I want my 12 bucks back for Prometheus.
#18
Null
Null
Holy shit Prometheus was terrible (and apparently in early drafts it was much better). Yes, fuck Ridley Scott for Robin Hood and Prometheus.