The General Joke/One-Liners Thread
- Thread starter Zappit
- Start date
That reminds me of the time I saw an all-penguin orchestra. They weren't paid in cash for their work. In fact, they did it for the halibut.
No, they just gave the audience the cold shoulder.
A pair of _____________ are driving along the road when they come across a police road block.
They stop the car and the officer inspects them and their car and says "Sorry we're looking for a pair of ____________. "
So they look at each other and tell the officer, "Well, we're not busy right now."
They stop the car and the officer inspects them and their car and says "Sorry we're looking for a pair of ____________. "
So they look at each other and tell the officer, "Well, we're not busy right now."
Not decent:
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip"
"Keep the tip"
B
BErt
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
...he worked it out with a pencil.
...he worked it out with a pencil.
From the library of "jokes to offend everyone"
warning, offensive
warning, offensive
If you rape with a hooker against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?
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you're more excited to say rape than a republican congressman
ALSO: Fuck off.
Last night, I dreamt I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
.......................
And in honour of Talking Like a Pirate Day:
What's a pirates favourite type of sock?
ARRRRRR-gyle!
I woke up exhausted.
.......................
And in honour of Talking Like a Pirate Day:
What's a pirates favourite type of sock?
ARRRRRR-gyle!
Also in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day:
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it would be R, but it be the C.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it would be R, but it be the C.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his genitals. The bartender says, "Sir, you have a ship's wheel on your genitals."
The pirate responds, "Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
The pirate responds, "Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
B
BErt
Have you heard they developed Pirate Corn? It costs a buck an ear.
Old tasteless joke:
Why don't the blind sky dive?
Ever hear a German Shepherd scream at 18,000 feet?
Why don't the blind sky dive?
Ever hear a German Shepherd scream at 18,000 feet?
A penguin brings his car into the shop to get it repaired. The mechanic asked for an hour to diagnose what is wrong with the car, and asked the penguin to wait in the office. Well the penguin got bored and noticed that there was an ice cream shop across the street. Since penguins love ice cream so much he just had to get some.
He just really dove into that scoop of vanilla, and ended up getting it all over his beak. Because he has such short wings, he could not wipe it off. So he goes back to the mechanic's.
As the little penguin entered the repair bay the mechanic called out, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."
Then the penguin replied, "No, this is just a little ice cream."
He just really dove into that scoop of vanilla, and ended up getting it all over his beak. Because he has such short wings, he could not wipe it off. So he goes back to the mechanic's.
As the little penguin entered the repair bay the mechanic called out, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."
Then the penguin replied, "No, this is just a little ice cream."
Did you hear the joke about amnesia? I forgot it.
Two cows are grazing in a field. One looks to the other and says "man did you hear about all this Mad Cow Disease nonsense?"
The second cow turns and says, "yeah, but it doesn't concern me, I'm a helicopter."[DOUBLEPOST=1412566734,1412566701][/DOUBLEPOST]Don't you hate when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus?
The second cow turns and says, "yeah, but it doesn't concern me, I'm a helicopter."[DOUBLEPOST=1412566734,1412566701][/DOUBLEPOST]Don't you hate when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus?
I am an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic. I stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Two businessmen are talking over lunch, and one of them starts discussing his recent trip to Thailand. "So it's about 2am, I'm completely wasted, on the bus going who knows where, when I make eye contact with this really hot chick. I'm checking her out, she's checking me back out. So I start thinking, 'Don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection." "So then what happened?" "Unfortunately, she did."
Have you heard of the jewish Catch-22? Free ham![DOUBLEPOST=1412700356,1412700257][/DOUBLEPOST]What do you call three black men hanging from a tree? A good start!