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Because we shouldn't have to wait for our best quips and jokes. Fire away here.

What do you call 16 white kids filling out college applications?

One whole Cherokee.

What do you call a pod of killer whales with musical instruments?

An Orca-stra

A monk, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up says, "What is this, a joke?"

A baby seal walks into a club . . .
. . . thank you.

I worked at a leper colony once. The old, "Pull my finger" joke is A LOT different out there.

Null said:

What do you call a pod of killer whales with musical instruments?

An Orca-stra

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That reminds me of the time I saw an all-penguin orchestra. They weren't paid in cash for their work. In fact, they did it for the halibut.

I'm guessing a penguin orchestra wouldn't want a seal of approval...

Null said:

I'm guessing a penguin orchestra wouldn't want a seal of approval...

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No, they just gave the audience the cold shoulder.

Some muffins are baking in an oven, when a muffin turns to it's neighbor and says, "Whew! Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" and the neighbor replies, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!!"


(sorry, that's one of my favorites.)

A pair of _____________ are driving along the road when they come across a police road block.

They stop the car and the officer inspects them and their car and says "Sorry we're looking for a pair of ____________. "

So they look at each other and tell the officer, "Well, we're not busy right now."

Not decent:

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

...he worked it out with a pencil.

From the library of "jokes to offend everyone"

warning, offensive

Not a joke. I'm reminded of a long-ago thread where we quoted songs, changing "you" to "jew." Then JCM posted...

Thread Necromancer said:

If you rape with a hooker against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?

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you're more excited to say rape than a republican congressman



ALSO: Fuck off.

Last night, I dreamt I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

.......................

And in honour of Talking Like a Pirate Day:

What's a pirates favourite type of sock?

ARRRRRR-gyle!

Also in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day:

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be R, but it be the C.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his genitals. The bartender says, "Sir, you have a ship's wheel on your genitals."

The pirate responds, "Aye! It's driving me nuts!"

Have you heard they developed Pirate Corn? It costs a buck an ear.

Charlie Don't Surf said:

you're more excited to say rape than a republican congressman



ALSO: Fuck off.

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Fuck you too Charlie, Fuck you too.

What do you call a snooty criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Old tasteless joke:

Why don't the blind sky dive?

Ever hear a German Shepherd scream at 18,000 feet?

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

A penguin brings his car into the shop to get it repaired. The mechanic asked for an hour to diagnose what is wrong with the car, and asked the penguin to wait in the office. Well the penguin got bored and noticed that there was an ice cream shop across the street. Since penguins love ice cream so much he just had to get some.

He just really dove into that scoop of vanilla, and ended up getting it all over his beak. Because he has such short wings, he could not wipe it off. So he goes back to the mechanic's.

As the little penguin entered the repair bay the mechanic called out, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

Then the penguin replied, "No, this is just a little ice cream."

Did you hear the joke about amnesia? I forgot it.

Apple was pretty recession proof. They barely lost any jobs. Only one so far.

To soon?

So this guy was walking down the street, and he ran into this man with dirty clothes, a hard hat, and a pickaxe. I'll get to the joke; those are just the miner details.

Two cows are grazing in a field. One looks to the other and says "man did you hear about all this Mad Cow Disease nonsense?"

The second cow turns and says, "yeah, but it doesn't concern me, I'm a helicopter."[DOUBLEPOST=1412566734,1412566701][/DOUBLEPOST]Don't you hate when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus?

Bowielee said:

Apple was pretty recession proof. They barely lost any jobs. Only one so far.

To soon?

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It has been three years.

--Patrick

I am an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic. I stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin' hat.

Two businessmen are talking over lunch, and one of them starts discussing his recent trip to Thailand. "So it's about 2am, I'm completely wasted, on the bus going who knows where, when I make eye contact with this really hot chick. I'm checking her out, she's checking me back out. So I start thinking, 'Don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection." "So then what happened?" "Unfortunately, she did."

As a comedian, jokes are jokes. If you want to be offended that's up to you. All jokes are at the expense of someone or something.

Have you heard of the jewish Catch-22? Free ham![DOUBLEPOST=1412700356,1412700257][/DOUBLEPOST]What do you call three black men hanging from a tree? A good start!

Did you hear about the tragedy of the SJW bus that drove off a cliff? There were three empty seats.

What is sjw? Social justice warrior?

Yes.

CrimsonSoul said:

What is sjw? Social justice warrior?

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it's a boogeyman like "hipster" and "militant feminist" that people make up so they can keep making jokes that make people feel subhuman

Charlie Don't Surf said:

it's a boogeyman like "hipster" and "militant feminist" that people make up so they can keep making jokes that make people feel subhuman

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It's telling that you pick and choose what's funny and what's not - and what others are allowed to find funny - based on your own warped sense of social justice. I notice you said nothing about the first joke which poked fun at white people claiming native american heritage for college purposes. Oh, but jokes about SJWs are bad? Or transgendered people? I see. So humor is okay as long as it fits within your own sensibilities.

That's not how humor or comedy works. And you can try and throw out all the terrible jokes you want to justify to yourself how much better than us you are, but all you are doing is showing your own intolerance with everything else that doesn't fit into your own paradigm.

Now, we can take this to another thread if you want. From here on out it's jokes or explanations of said jokes. Anything else will be removed. And if you continue to be a condescending humorless shithead, I will threadban you so you can throw a fit somewhere else.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

Dave said:

As a comedian, jokes are jokes. If you want to be offended that's up to you. All jokes are at the expense of someone or something.

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I've seen your act, and I'm offended you call yourself a comedian.

Now that's a joke! (I hope.)

What does a Frenchman do in the desert?

Pierre

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Where does a King keep his armies?

Null said:

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

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Two D&D Priests were fighting. It was pointless.

Dave said:

Two D&D Priests were fighting. It was pointless.

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Must have been a clerical error.

A priest walks into a bar, and suffers a concussion.

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Want to hear an even dirtier one?


And now for my Sister's favourite joke ever since she was small. She's older than me btw:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead!



She still laughs at that one. And I'll admit, I do too somewhat.

The monkey one always makes me laugh, too. I first heard it from a physics professor, whose favorite homework problem was to find a firing solution to take out a monkey dropping from a branch using a given weapon.

What do you call a cow that cannot produce milk?


What do you call a cow that tried to jump over a barbed-wire fence, but didn't quite make it?

drawn_inward said:

What do you call a cow that cannot produce milk?

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Dave said:

Steak.

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If anything, I could say that this joke was rare

Gruebeard said:

If anything, I could say that this joke was rare

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But I thought naw forget it yo grue to bel-air!

Gruebeard said:

If anything, I could say that this joke was rare

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But I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air'[DOUBLEPOST=1412792077,1412792045][/DOUBLEPOST]

CrimsonSoul said:

But I thought naw forget it yo grue to bel-air!

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NINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNJA

Why is a rapist like a kiwi fruit? They're both better after you've peeled all their skin off.

Spoilering for extreme tastelessness and grossness. You have been warned.

What's grosser than gross?


What's grosser than that?

Bowielee said:

Spoilering for extreme tastelessness and grossness. You have been warned.

What's grosser than gross?

Spoiler

A ten babies stapled to one tree.

What's grosser than that?

Spoiler

One baby stapled to ten trees.

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When I heard it, it was "in a trash can" and "1 in 10 trashcans".

Blind man with a seeing-eye dog comes into a bar, picks up his dog, throws it into the air and swings it around by it's leash.
Bartender says, "My god man, what are you doing!?"
Blind man, "Just looking around."

drawn_inward said:

When I heard it, it was "in a trash can" and "1 in 10 trashcans".

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I like mine better. If you're going to do you're already so far into the gutter, you may as well go whole hog and be as graphic as possible.

Consistently vulgar language and immature humor warning:

lol at the auto filter.

Bowielee said:

lol at the auto filter.

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Auto filter?

Check your post.

Bowielee said:

Check your post.

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Check your privilege!

I'm fairly certain he didn't write "smelly lady part".

Testing: cunt

Yup auto filtered.

Bowielee said:

I'm fairly certain he didn't write "smelly lady part".

Testing: smelly lady part

Yup auto filtered.

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Just messing with ya, @Bowielee

If he woulda used tapatalk the filter doesn't work... WE ARE ABOVE THE LAW!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well goddamn it.

I think I'm giggling harder at the fact Halforums won't let you tell the joke. All our attempts at jokes are filtered through the AJGLU-3000.

To quote Mr Smoke-too-much: "What a silly bunt."

I want to go back to the filter turning everything to "smurf".

"What the smurf, you smurf-sucking smurf smurfing pile of smurf?"

Or turn a random selection of verbs into "fuck".

bhamv3 said:

I want to go back to the filter turning everything to "smurf".

"What the smurf, you smurf-sucking smurf smurfing pile of smurf?"

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I am in favor of this.

fade said:

Or turn a random selection of verbs into "fuck".

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Or this. Both are good ideas

Thread Necromancer said:

I am in favor of this.



Or this. Both are good ideas

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I too agree with this

Can we have SJW/Social Justice Warrior and gamergate changed to Fuck? I think that would be nifty.

fade said:

Or turn a random selection of verbs into "fuck".

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George Carlin already sorta did that.
--Patrick

bhamv3 said:

I want to go back to the filter turning everything to "smurf".

"What the smurf, you smurf-sucking smurf smurfing pile of smurf?"

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This is like 'bleeping,' which is frequently even more hilarious than hearing the actual curse. And then of course, there's unnecessary bleeping:


This video never fails to leave me in hysterics

Did you ever see Jimmy Kimmel's Unnecessary Censorship bit? He does it fairly regularly, and it's always funny.

fade said:

Did you ever see Jimmy Kimmel's Unnecessary Censorship bit? He does it fairly regularly, and it's always funny.

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Yes, but there's just something about the innocence of the Count being transformed perfectly into a song about fucking...

Oh did I miss the dead baby jokes part? Well here are some more.

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?


Why would you do such a thing?


How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?


How many babies does it take to paint a house?


What's noisy as hell while rubbing on the glass?


How do you get 10 babies in a bucket?


How do you get them out again?


What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby get for christmas?

I feel pretty awful for laughing...but probably not as awful as those babies feel. If they could feel, anymore.

Aww, I miss the TTJ series.

--Patrick

Anyone ever hear about the controversy over the Titanic's dinner menu? Apparently, there was a lot of disappointment over the Romaine blend salad, but the Iceberg was a big hit.

Zappit said:

Anyone ever hear about the controversy over the Titanic's dinner menu? Apparently, there was a lot of disappointment over the Romaine blend salad, but the Iceberg was a big hit.

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Too sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

One of my favorite's was Q's corny joke to Spock, from the 'Spock vs. Q' CD I checked out from the library.

Q: What did the zen master say to the hotdog vendor? One, with everything!

Spock:

Two Russian soldiers are on patrol in the woods when they get attacked by a bear. They manage to drive the bear off, but one of the soldiers was severely mauled. His partner radios back to base. "Help! We were attacked by a bear and my parter is badly wounded. I don't know what to do!" The officer back at base replies, "Alright, calm down, we'll walk you through this. First, make sure if your partner's dead." Over the radio they hear a gunshot. "Okay, now what?"

Bah, I heard that one on something like Red Skelton or Bob Hope a billion years ago.

That actually won the funniest joke on the planet about 5 years ago.

sixpackshaker said:

That actually won the funniest joke on the planet about 5 years ago.

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Yeah, just had it about this joke with the gf a few days ago. Something to do with how this joke works the same in all cultures.

If you're in the mood for more terrible, dark, awful jokes, click here:

http://imgur.com/gallery/WnyFQ

I take no responsibility for hurt butts in reading some truly unutterable humor.

oh dear god

GasBandit said:

If you're in the mood for more terrible, dark, awful jokes, click here:

http://imgur.com/gallery/WnyFQ

I take no responsibility for hurt butts in reading some truly unutterable humor.

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Whelp, I'm going to hell.

It's kind of weird how completely different booty calling and butt dialing are.

I just read about someone who pickpocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

Fun Size said:

I just read about someone who pickpocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

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Reminds me of the time that a psychic midget escaped from prison. The police were looking for a small medium at large.

GasBandit said:

If you're in the mood for more terrible, dark, awful jokes, click here:

Click to expand...

I was waiting for the FBI one. Wasn't disappointed.

My contribution. Two peanuts were crossing the street, and one was assaulted.

--Patrick

Imgurite found a locked chest that looked old as hell. Broke it open, found a beat up vintage bible, a bunch of marbles, and old typed pages full of the most racist jokes 1985 had ever heard.

http://imgur.com/gallery/KUSdB

GasBandit said:

Imgurite found a locked chest that looked old as hell. Broke it open, found a beat up vintage bible, a bunch of marbles, and old typed pages full of the most racist jokes 1985 had ever heard.

http://imgur.com/gallery/KUSdB

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This is still the best reply.

Which horseman of the apocalypse has the smelliest trousers?