Dropped my girlfriend off at the airport this morning (flight at 6, so leave home at 2am...blegh). She's off for a week in Morocco with her work. And good for her. She went to Croatia, Ibiza and Portugal the two previous years, and while they were great experiences and lots of fun, not exactly all vacation all the time. She works with people with mental issues, and it gets heavy taking care of a group of them 24/7, even in a nice location. I hope she has fun.
Anyway, I dropped her off, and I've been completely depressed ever since. I don't mean "slight dip", I mean, "four hours of lying on the couch doing absolutely nothing thinking about how useless I am and my life is". Returning to work after two weeks' holiday was a huge effort, helped along by drugs and my gf supporting me and taking care of me. Now, the next week, I'm all alone and I have no sense of purpose or reason to get up at all. My work is just a depressing combination of a dipshit bully for a boss, unfulfilling work, and, for me, too much freedom leaving me aimless. My social life is my gf dragging me to here and there to keep me in contact, even with my own friends. My home life is crashing on the couch and doing nothing. When my gf's around I can pull myself up to do the bare minimum - you know, empty the dishwasher or some small thing like that - but now I can't even bring myself to put on clothes despite being cold. Why bother.
I was finally somewhat "clear" of my years long depression, but now I see it's really just a veneer of keeping busy and having someone else do all the keeping busy and pushing me forward to...live, but with her gone I just instantly relapse into a ball of self-pity and negative thought. The thought "hey, I could just drive into that pillar over there and no-one would know or care that I'm gone for at least a week" went through my head returning from the airport, and, okay, I've gotten to the point where I
know it's just the depression talking but that doesn't actually
help all that much. I still feel worthless and useless, despite telling myself that's an exaggeration.
Knowing my boss is a hypocrite jackass with a superiority complex doesn't mean his constant jabs and calls into question of my mental capabilities, my judgment, etc don't strike true.
I just feel like I need to get out of this job, place, house, life, everything, but there's no way in hell that I can accomplish that.
My life objectively doesn't suck all that bad, I don't have it all that bad, I'm just too weak to deal with regular normal old life stuff. Which is...not
worse I guess, I definitely wouldn't want to trade with some of the people here as for what they have to deal with, but...More of a personal failure? I see
@Cog struggling with one horrible life altering disaster after another, and of course it's hard, but that's to be accepted - everyone would struggle and most, myself included, couldn't begin to hope to cope. I can't even deal with some small time issues everyone faces on a daily basis. I have no idea how I'm supposed to "get on" with things.