Probably not good I just posted this on social media, then:
I turned 42 today and I'm just... depressed. It's not a "happy" birthday. My birthday always makes me feel depressed. I feel like a loser who has wasted his life. That I've wasted any opportunities given to me. That I'm not going to accomplish anything significant.
I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to die alone because I'll never meet anyone who either would want to stay with me or a relationship I don't self-sabotage like everything else in my life. I'm probably too old to have kids of my own (I'm older than when my father had me).
I still live with my parents and I just feel stuck. I don't have a life. Never really had one. Either I keep self-sabotaging anything on my life or depression keeps pulling me back down.
I've pretty much accepted that my life won't get any better now. I'll die alone. And I haven't killed myself because I'm afraid of the physical pain of it, and fear of dying. I just don't know anymore. I've given up because i truly believe there's nothing better for me anymore.