So yeah, it's been about what, 7-8 months since my split up? I lose track of the time and way too lazy to go looking up the old thread. That's not to say I've been single this whole time. I've had a few hook-ups here and there. Some were a month or two of dating, some were one night/two night stands. I haven't yet fallen in love but I have broken a couple of hearts. One to the point where I got alot of crying, a heartfelt sad letter in the bag of belongings I had left at her place, and more.
Which brings me to one of my points. This girl took me by surprise, some of you may remember her as the "nerdy cosplay cute" girl I met shortly after "Yoga Girl". Everything seemed lined up for success. I finally was in a position to date someone who "on paper" was perfect in every way. I'm sure you're waiting for the "but". As cute as she was, it just wasn't "there" for me physically/mentally. I was actually pretty pissed off about it because I finally found someone that I had "in my mind" been looking for. Yet, I couldn't even will myself to have feelings for her. It was disturbing and frustrating.
After sleeping together a few times, she considered us dating, and I will admit, I didn't dissuade her from that thought. Mostly because I wanted to continue seeing her to see if feelings would develop. That unfortunately, was not the case. After 2 months, I realized it wasn't going to happen. The damage had been done though. She was texting/calling me on a daily basis. Coming over at least 3x a week. Completely and totally infatuated. *sigh* I had to break it off.
I went over and told her that I couldn't see her anymore because I just didn't feel as strongly for her as she felt for me. Flat out. She didn't take it well. She cried and begged and sobbed and bargained. I let her get it all out and left. She continued texting/calling for 2 months and I didn't respond. However, I went through a sexual dry spell in that time, and to my own dismay, gave in to one of her texts.
I told her flat out that there was no chance at us getting back together again, but if she wanted to be FWB I was fine with that. She agreed that was fine and even though I knew better (she obviously wanted to use that as a ploy to try and get back togther emotionally) we began seeing each other again, for that reason alone. This went on another 2-3 months before I realized that I was better off just being alone. So I've now recently gone through the process of telling her that it's over in that department as well.
So what's the point of all this? I'm confused, lost, annoyed, frustrated and overall aggitated. I'm alone. I don't want to be. I'm tired of casual sex/meetings. I spent 7yrs with my ex, with constant casual sex during, and an entire relationship with nothing in common. I want someone who finally gets me. Someone who shares my interests. Someone I can be myself around and not have to play a role/wear a mask. I've tested my hand at online dating, though I wasn't as into it as I could have been I'll admit. I've tried going out to local clubs/bars, but it's never really been my "scene" so the people there are already off to the wrong foot for me.
At my worst points, I have horrible urges to text/call my ex after all this time, see if she's single, and willing to get back together. The thing that stops me everytime, is that I remember that even during our "best times", I was still never happy because I wasn't able to be me and I didn't feel for her the way I wanted to. So luckily I've never gone down that slippery slope, though it doesn't stop me from having the urges.
So here I sit. With text messages from people I'd rather not see. People who would just want a "quicky". People who I just don't have feelings for. All the while wishing I had that one person to go home to. That one person to call up in the middle of the night to rush over and just sleep with, sex or not. That one person who says they love me, and I know it's true because I've been honest with them from day one.
One a freaky note, my ex ex (the first girl I moved out of my home to be with and came out to my parents about) contacted me (she found out my ex and I had broken up) and asked me how I was doing. Curious to see if there was still a spark there, we both met up for drinks and dinner (she lives about 2hrs from where I'm at now). We got a bit drunk, talked about the past, she got pretty misty and admitted that leaving me was probably her biggest regret (which I got IMMENSE satisfaction from) and made out when I dropped her off. We talked about the possibility of making "things work again". Saw her again the next weekend, ended up getting a hotel room together, then didn't do anything because she wanted the chance of us getting back together to be based off emotions/mental and not just lust/physical attraction.
So I came back home, thought long and hard about the entire situation, and realized whatever feelings I may have had for her all those years ago, whithered and died when she left me. So I let her know that was the end of it, and we've remained "text friends" ever since.
For those not asleep/bored, I've read some of the dating situations that my fellow Half-ites have been through, so rest assured, you're not alone and I'm right there with some of you.
Which brings me to one of my points. This girl took me by surprise, some of you may remember her as the "nerdy cosplay cute" girl I met shortly after "Yoga Girl". Everything seemed lined up for success. I finally was in a position to date someone who "on paper" was perfect in every way. I'm sure you're waiting for the "but". As cute as she was, it just wasn't "there" for me physically/mentally. I was actually pretty pissed off about it because I finally found someone that I had "in my mind" been looking for. Yet, I couldn't even will myself to have feelings for her. It was disturbing and frustrating.
After sleeping together a few times, she considered us dating, and I will admit, I didn't dissuade her from that thought. Mostly because I wanted to continue seeing her to see if feelings would develop. That unfortunately, was not the case. After 2 months, I realized it wasn't going to happen. The damage had been done though. She was texting/calling me on a daily basis. Coming over at least 3x a week. Completely and totally infatuated. *sigh* I had to break it off.
I went over and told her that I couldn't see her anymore because I just didn't feel as strongly for her as she felt for me. Flat out. She didn't take it well. She cried and begged and sobbed and bargained. I let her get it all out and left. She continued texting/calling for 2 months and I didn't respond. However, I went through a sexual dry spell in that time, and to my own dismay, gave in to one of her texts.
I told her flat out that there was no chance at us getting back together again, but if she wanted to be FWB I was fine with that. She agreed that was fine and even though I knew better (she obviously wanted to use that as a ploy to try and get back togther emotionally) we began seeing each other again, for that reason alone. This went on another 2-3 months before I realized that I was better off just being alone. So I've now recently gone through the process of telling her that it's over in that department as well.
So what's the point of all this? I'm confused, lost, annoyed, frustrated and overall aggitated. I'm alone. I don't want to be. I'm tired of casual sex/meetings. I spent 7yrs with my ex, with constant casual sex during, and an entire relationship with nothing in common. I want someone who finally gets me. Someone who shares my interests. Someone I can be myself around and not have to play a role/wear a mask. I've tested my hand at online dating, though I wasn't as into it as I could have been I'll admit. I've tried going out to local clubs/bars, but it's never really been my "scene" so the people there are already off to the wrong foot for me.
At my worst points, I have horrible urges to text/call my ex after all this time, see if she's single, and willing to get back together. The thing that stops me everytime, is that I remember that even during our "best times", I was still never happy because I wasn't able to be me and I didn't feel for her the way I wanted to. So luckily I've never gone down that slippery slope, though it doesn't stop me from having the urges.
So here I sit. With text messages from people I'd rather not see. People who would just want a "quicky". People who I just don't have feelings for. All the while wishing I had that one person to go home to. That one person to call up in the middle of the night to rush over and just sleep with, sex or not. That one person who says they love me, and I know it's true because I've been honest with them from day one.
One a freaky note, my ex ex (the first girl I moved out of my home to be with and came out to my parents about) contacted me (she found out my ex and I had broken up) and asked me how I was doing. Curious to see if there was still a spark there, we both met up for drinks and dinner (she lives about 2hrs from where I'm at now). We got a bit drunk, talked about the past, she got pretty misty and admitted that leaving me was probably her biggest regret (which I got IMMENSE satisfaction from) and made out when I dropped her off. We talked about the possibility of making "things work again". Saw her again the next weekend, ended up getting a hotel room together, then didn't do anything because she wanted the chance of us getting back together to be based off emotions/mental and not just lust/physical attraction.
So I came back home, thought long and hard about the entire situation, and realized whatever feelings I may have had for her all those years ago, whithered and died when she left me. So I let her know that was the end of it, and we've remained "text friends" ever since.
For those not asleep/bored, I've read some of the dating situations that my fellow Half-ites have been through, so rest assured, you're not alone and I'm right there with some of you.
She dumped me two weeks ago, after a long weekend in Helsinki visiting her friends (a nice and funny gay couple). Apparently I am a wonderful person, but she just wasn't in love with me anymore. Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo.
maybe that is true for you. You need a balance to your wild side like Yin and Yang.
