Like a cell phone in a bomb shelter, I don't get signals (dating advice)
- Thread starter Norris
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Game on! Game on!
Seriously, good. But still at least consider some counselling.
Seriously, good. But still at least consider some counselling.
In truth...I have. But how do I go to my father and say "Hey, can I get some cash to go see a counselor? You've been a great dad but I still ended up fucked in the head". He'll either think I'm being whiny or he'll be hurt and feel guilty. Or he'll support me. But I can't know, and I don't even want to risk disappointing him.
That, sir, is a classic Cognitive Distortion called Mind Reading. Before even asking your dad, you've already set yourself up for failure by assuming things that haven't even been said.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
And you can learn how to overcome that sort of thing with counselling or with that book I suggested. Hell, just by my awareness of said Distortions, it helped me a lot. When I would think a negative thought like that, I was re-think it and say to myself, "No, that's a Distortion."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
And you can learn how to overcome that sort of thing with counselling or with that book I suggested. Hell, just by my awareness of said Distortions, it helped me a lot. When I would think a negative thought like that, I was re-think it and say to myself, "No, that's a Distortion."
1. He's been through counseling. Chances are very, very high that he will take it at face value and help you out. Further, insurance will often cover some types of counseling, so it might not be a financial burden anyway.
2. It's nice that you're thinking of others. Don't screw yourself because you might inconvenience or disappoint someone else. You have to live your life, and if you don't stand up for yourself, who will?
3. It's very unlikely that he'll take it personally. In fact, he may have been wondering for years how he could tell you that he sees you struggling and wants to help out - but he thinks you'll be offended or won't listen. People who have been through counseling often learn to look beyond their own problems and want to help others out in the same way they got help.
4. He's your dad, and he loves you. He will bend over backwards to try and help you out. Trust his love for you, and confide in him.
2. It's nice that you're thinking of others. Don't screw yourself because you might inconvenience or disappoint someone else. You have to live your life, and if you don't stand up for yourself, who will?
3. It's very unlikely that he'll take it personally. In fact, he may have been wondering for years how he could tell you that he sees you struggling and wants to help out - but he thinks you'll be offended or won't listen. People who have been through counseling often learn to look beyond their own problems and want to help others out in the same way they got help.
4. He's your dad, and he loves you. He will bend over backwards to try and help you out. Trust his love for you, and confide in him.
figmentPez
Staff member
I've seen four counsellors at various times in my life, since I was about eleven to I was in my mid-twenties. Right now I'm considering seeing another, to help deal with all the issues surrounding my health and rebuilding my life. I've never attempted suicide, my parents are amazing, and I've never been the victim of much of anything beyond name-calling.
The reason I saw the first counselor in 5th grade? Because I was so upset by other kids getting bullied on the playground that my schoolwork suffered, and that started off trouble with my teacher.
I saw the second counselor because of the stress of moving from Ohio to Texas at age 13.
You get the idea. The issues weren't major compared to what other people have been through, but they were keeping me from living my life. I didn't have what I needed on my own to work through them, and my parents didn't know what to do, so we got help. Later on, as an adult, I saw one because my health was keeping me from finding my place in the world, and it was a bigger issue than I or my friends and family knew how to address.
Not seeing a counselor because you might keep them from a bigger crisis, is like not seeing a doctor for chronic pain because there are car accidents and gunshots and ruptured appendixes that are more time sensitive. Different doctors deal with different health problems, and so do different psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, life coaches, etc. Not every mental health professional deals with rape cases. You're not taking time away from someone else.
Your mental health is important. To you, certainly, but also to your friends, your family and to all the people who you'll treat better if you're in a better place yourself. You may see yourself as a very small part of the world, but you're not so small that you're unimportant. Take care of yourself.
I look at my life like this:
I have a shit ton of issues. I want to complain about them, and I want people to give me advice that I ask for. My friends in the real world know me. They know who I am, how I think, and have informed opinions about what is best for me. Their advice, Mrs. M's advice? I take. Without question.
What I have a harder time taking? Next to total strangers telling me that if I just man up, everything will work out. I've tried. It doesn't. The other forum I mentioned? They told me to ask the girl to hang out, low pressure but one-on-one and see how things develop. I came here to get a third opinion as to whether or not her suggestion was a hint. I was hit with "It was a hint, take it you pussy!"
I also honestly don't believe I need counseling. Yes, I sometimes cry myself to sleep and that is not strictly normal, but I go to class and do fine. I go to work (when I have someone employing me) and do fine. I talk to people at school and work and enjoy it. I do go hang out with folks on the weekends (sometimes). I have a life. One punctuated by the occasional spiral of negative emotion, but I'm not in any danger. I respect counselors and therapists. Every single person I know sings their praises to the high heavens. I respect the profession too much to bother it. It would be like going to the doctor because I stubbed my toe. Yeah it hurts, but I'm not in any danger whatsoever.
So fuck you Tinwhistler. You don't know me. When I ask for advice, I want advice not orders. Not commands to "man up". Man up, what does that bullshit even mean? Fucking macho man stereotype has been the bane of my baking, singing, theater-loving, willing-to-cry existence. It pisses me off. I don't like being told to man up. So that's what I had a problem with, mother fucker.
Here's the advice, from Mrs. M, that I ultimately decided to go with:
Regardless of whether you think I should take it or not, you know her better than I. Opinion?
I have a shit ton of issues. I want to complain about them, and I want people to give me advice that I ask for. My friends in the real world know me. They know who I am, how I think, and have informed opinions about what is best for me. Their advice, Mrs. M's advice? I take. Without question.
What I have a harder time taking? Next to total strangers telling me that if I just man up, everything will work out. I've tried. It doesn't. The other forum I mentioned? They told me to ask the girl to hang out, low pressure but one-on-one and see how things develop. I came here to get a third opinion as to whether or not her suggestion was a hint. I was hit with "It was a hint, take it you pussy!"
I also honestly don't believe I need counseling. Yes, I sometimes cry myself to sleep and that is not strictly normal, but I go to class and do fine. I go to work (when I have someone employing me) and do fine. I talk to people at school and work and enjoy it. I do go hang out with folks on the weekends (sometimes). I have a life. One punctuated by the occasional spiral of negative emotion, but I'm not in any danger. I respect counselors and therapists. Every single person I know sings their praises to the high heavens. I respect the profession too much to bother it. It would be like going to the doctor because I stubbed my toe. Yeah it hurts, but I'm not in any danger whatsoever.
So fuck you Tinwhistler. You don't know me. When I ask for advice, I want advice not orders. Not commands to "man up". Man up, what does that bullshit even mean? Fucking macho man stereotype has been the bane of my baking, singing, theater-loving, willing-to-cry existence. It pisses me off. I don't like being told to man up. So that's what I had a problem with, mother fucker.
Here's the advice, from Mrs. M, that I ultimately decided to go with:
Regardless of whether you think I should take it or not, you know her better than I. Opinion?
But you didn't answer my question, or at least the one I was trying to ask - knowing Mads as you do, does that sound like a hint or advice?
Mmmmmkay.
Then quit being so negative. You asked for advice; we gave you the advice: ask her. None of your excuses for any of it are at all relevant.
GOD DAMMIT FUCK OFF WITH THAT FUCKING DUMBASS BULLSHIT! That phrase implies that there is something manly about either being a perfect fucking doubtless person who always acts with their goddamned gut and is somehow magically always fucking right or that it is manly to fucking do whatever you fucking want to do without considering the fucking thoughts and feelings of others! If I ask out my best friend's roommate, the best case scenario is that we have a loving long term relationship. That is the one and only fucking way it can end well. There are a million ways it can end in awkwardness, heartbreak, pain, loss of friendships, and bringing shit down on the heads of people I like and love. I honestly don't get how other people can go through life taking these giant fucking gambles with other people's emotions and with their friendships without so much as considering the possible fucking consequences.On top of all that, I like to cross-stitch. Man the fuck up.
You look both ways before you cross the street, don't you? Check your blind spots before changing lanes? Why bother with pussy bullshit! Man up! Run into traffic! Swerve all over the highway! Don't bother considering whether or not something is actually a good fucking idea before doing it!
IT IS NOT UNMANLY, IT IS CONSIDERATE!
Okay:
1) You ADMIT to having a shit ton of issues.
2) You ADMIT to sometimes crying yourself to sleep. That is absolutely not healthy for anyone.
3) This isn't like seeing a doctor about stubbing your toe. This is like seeing a surgeon to fix that thing that make you walk crooked or finally having that eye laser surgery so you can see more than two colours out of it. Yeah, you won't die from it, but you can better your life.
You might not be in immediate danger, but this CONSTANT, ongoing negative thinking IS incredibly harmful to your overall being. Trust me. I'm pleading with you from personal frigging experience. At least consider the goddamn option for counselling. None of us here are professionals, but we've all been there. You may not realize it, but a lot of us either have previously thought the way you've thought to varying degrees, or continue to think that way.
Frankly speaking, this'll be the last time I'll post here. This is just continuing on your own negative thinking, self-destructive ways. Twice I've suggested checking out Feeling Good and you didn't even put that into consideration.
Look at it this way: would you prefer to continue this self-destructive emotional thinking? Do you want to maybe, just maybe, not cry yourself to sleep? Maybe stop having those Cognitive Distortions where you're assuming things that you haven't even tried?
Counselling. Or the goddamn book I recommend.
Or continue to be miserable and hoping things are just going to get better without doing any work. Me? I'm seeing my counsellor later today. And looking into other possibilities that he's suggested, such as possible physical causes of my depression, such as having my thyroid checked. I don't want to start teaching Elementary and worry that I'm going to break down or have something negatively affect me to the point of being unable to go to school that day. I'm being proactive because I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS FEELING THIS WAY. Wouldn't you!?
And this whole FUCKING time, all you've done is come up with this excuse and this Cognitive Distortion when EVERY one of us WHO HAVE GODDAMN BEEN THERE keep telling you to at LEAST give it a goddamn try.
1) You ADMIT to having a shit ton of issues.
2) You ADMIT to sometimes crying yourself to sleep. That is absolutely not healthy for anyone.
3) This isn't like seeing a doctor about stubbing your toe. This is like seeing a surgeon to fix that thing that make you walk crooked or finally having that eye laser surgery so you can see more than two colours out of it. Yeah, you won't die from it, but you can better your life.
You might not be in immediate danger, but this CONSTANT, ongoing negative thinking IS incredibly harmful to your overall being. Trust me. I'm pleading with you from personal frigging experience. At least consider the goddamn option for counselling. None of us here are professionals, but we've all been there. You may not realize it, but a lot of us either have previously thought the way you've thought to varying degrees, or continue to think that way.
Frankly speaking, this'll be the last time I'll post here. This is just continuing on your own negative thinking, self-destructive ways. Twice I've suggested checking out Feeling Good and you didn't even put that into consideration.
Look at it this way: would you prefer to continue this self-destructive emotional thinking? Do you want to maybe, just maybe, not cry yourself to sleep? Maybe stop having those Cognitive Distortions where you're assuming things that you haven't even tried?
Counselling. Or the goddamn book I recommend.
Or continue to be miserable and hoping things are just going to get better without doing any work. Me? I'm seeing my counsellor later today. And looking into other possibilities that he's suggested, such as possible physical causes of my depression, such as having my thyroid checked. I don't want to start teaching Elementary and worry that I'm going to break down or have something negatively affect me to the point of being unable to go to school that day. I'm being proactive because I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS FEELING THIS WAY. Wouldn't you!?
And this whole FUCKING time, all you've done is come up with this excuse and this Cognitive Distortion when EVERY one of us WHO HAVE GODDAMN BEEN THERE keep telling you to at LEAST give it a goddamn try.
Lock yourself in a cave, it's the only way to make sure you never effect anyone ever again.
Although, good luck finding a cave with a lock.
It is not every night. Nor am I negative every day. For the last three or four weeks I've been walking on sunshine, with only mild romantic frustrations. I'll have a rough week or two, but even then I'm kicking back enjoying my movies. The reason I cry at night is because I usually distract myself during the day. I don't think it is terribly unusual for one's fears and doubts to attack them at bed time, when all other distractions are gone. I will give you that it hits me a bit too hard, sure, but....Ok, I don't actually have anything to make that sound less bad.
I do thank people for their advice, but I'm not you guys. When I finish typing this, I'm gonna get on the bus, go to my media production class, and talk and laugh and be happy with the friends I have there. When I'm done, I will come home and watch some My Little Pony and laugh. And tonight, maybe, I'll squirt a few tears before I go to bed. But I don't think so, I'm pretty optimistic about my love life (the number one cause of emotional strife for me) right now. Maybe someday counseling will seem like a good idea. But this doesn't rule my life. It would feel like going to AA because you have a couple of beers on the weekend.
And I have said I do consider counseling. I simply decide against it when I do.I wouldn't call myself self destructive. I am in college despite my doubts. I have a driver's license, despite my doubts. I had a moderately successful 2.5 year relationship despite my doubts (and I learned a lot of what not to do from it).
I did look up your recommended book. Specifically, i looked for criticisms of it. Praises rarely tell you much (It's Great!), crits tell you a lot (It is not good for X, Y, and Z reasons). In the end, it sounds like something that...isn't for me. Thank you for the recommendation, however.
Had I put this much thought into asking out Andrea, I would still have her as a friend.
I do thank people for their advice, but I'm not you guys. When I finish typing this, I'm gonna get on the bus, go to my media production class, and talk and laugh and be happy with the friends I have there. When I'm done, I will come home and watch some My Little Pony and laugh. And tonight, maybe, I'll squirt a few tears before I go to bed. But I don't think so, I'm pretty optimistic about my love life (the number one cause of emotional strife for me) right now. Maybe someday counseling will seem like a good idea. But this doesn't rule my life. It would feel like going to AA because you have a couple of beers on the weekend.
And I have said I do consider counseling. I simply decide against it when I do.I wouldn't call myself self destructive. I am in college despite my doubts. I have a driver's license, despite my doubts. I had a moderately successful 2.5 year relationship despite my doubts (and I learned a lot of what not to do from it).
I did look up your recommended book. Specifically, i looked for criticisms of it. Praises rarely tell you much (It's Great!), crits tell you a lot (It is not good for X, Y, and Z reasons). In the end, it sounds like something that...isn't for me. Thank you for the recommendation, however.
it isn't about never effecting anyone, it is about doing my level best to make sure I am doing everything I can to effect people positively rather than negatively. When I volunteeredto perform Mrs. M's wedding, I knew it would (at least initially) piss of her family and get some members of my family disappointed in me. However, I was going to give someone I love like a sister the wedding she deserved, rather than one in a court house. So I did it.
Had I put this much thought into asking out Andrea, I would still have her as a friend.
I hope you really do consider counseling because I feel like you could look at things in such a different and more healthy way. In no way is it unmanly or taking counseling away from a rape victim, etc. It's perfectly normal and healthy to get counseling. I got counseling when my wife was overseas. Why? Mainly because I missed her and felt down because of it. Not because I was abused.
And you should look into places the do cheap/free therapy. They are out there. My wife volunteered at one for 2 years. People pay what they can since it's a non-profit.
But do what you gotta do man. Just take care of yourself.
And you should look into places the do cheap/free therapy. They are out there. My wife volunteered at one for 2 years. People pay what they can since it's a non-profit.
But do what you gotta do man. Just take care of yourself.
I recommend everyone stop replying. Norris has no interest in actually getting any help or advice. He apparently just wants people to agree that every choice he makes will inevitably lead to a death-spiral of pain and anguish from which there can be no hope. And until he gets some therapy, which none of us can convince him to get, he will keep being miserable. Everything else is just an ego stroking.
I never said "every night". Don't put words in my mouth. Secondly, I'm not even near the levels of depression I could be, but I'm still going to counselling. Why? Because I want to nip this thing in the bud so I no longer feel like a piece of shit in comparison to everyone else I meet. Just because you're feeling up now doesn't mean you won't have down periods. By being proactive about it now, when you do kick yourself for whatever, it won't be as bad.
As far as the book goes...So...wow. Once again, you looked only at the negatives (criticisms). How many criticisms were there compared to the positive reviews? I'm telling you specifically that the book will help you because it helped me a great deal of others that I know. And it won't be as "embarrassing" or certainly as expensive as seeing a counsellor. Do me a favour and, the next time you're in a bookstore, read a couple of pages. THEN come back and tell me it's not for you.
Ugh. Why the hell do I keep responding!?
As far as the book goes...So...wow. Once again, you looked only at the negatives (criticisms). How many criticisms were there compared to the positive reviews? I'm telling you specifically that the book will help you because it helped me a great deal of others that I know. And it won't be as "embarrassing" or certainly as expensive as seeing a counsellor. Do me a favour and, the next time you're in a bookstore, read a couple of pages. THEN come back and tell me it's not for you.
Ugh. Why the hell do I keep responding!?
I absolutely know that counseling is a great thing for people who need it. But middle class white boys who think they have problems are a stock comedy character. I just don't have anything worth paying to get advice on. It will get better with age, it already has.
That's a good thought. I should check my health plan to see if it does cover counseling. I can't imagine it does (it is a cheap one through the school), but it is worth looking into I guess.
Thank you. I've managed 21 relatively happy and successful years on this planet with not major incidents. I think I will be fine.
I'm sorry, I did misread your post. I didn't catch that you reused the same modifier I did and thought you just said "you admit your cry yourself to sleep", and got an implied "every night". That's my fuck up sir.
It is great that you are doing something about problems that you feel effect you in a major way. Being proactive is almost always good. But I am not you. I can be generally "up" for months at a time, which is what I think is normal. I've been downright jovial (by my standards) this year. These last two days, where I've had uncertainty, have been my most down. I don't know. I really think I suck at explaining things. I think I'm, at worst, a little less happy than your average person. I wouldn't call myself depressed.
Everything has good reviews. Even Michael Bay movies. Bad reviews, and how well thought out their criticisms are, tell you more. My father taught me to always check the 1 star Amazon reviews first - if they're all nitpicky bullshit, then you're good. We buy things on the weakness of the bad reviews in addition to the strength of the good ones. Based on the very well thought out negative reviews for that book, I decided against it. I'm sorry if that offends you.
For the same reason I get into debates on the IMDB message boards - you're an Intellecutal Sado Masochist.
C
Chibibar
I glance the last two pages but you know, I'm gonna sound mean on this one.
Sex isn't everything.
Don't worry about being awkward on it (when you get there) just go with the flow and let it happen. So what if one person more experience than the other, If you are not sure what to do, there are some porn out there on where your equipment should be going (yea that sounded mean)
Now, the main part about dating is to get to know the other person. Enjoying each other company. Don't worry about the physical part until you get to the "3rd date rule"
first you must get on FIRST date before worry about 3rd date. If she is apprehensive about sex, then you may not have to worry about it until much later.
Now if you do want sex on the first date, then this girl may not be for you and find someone else.
If you worry about "breaking the circle of friends" then you are making it harder on yourself. You will need to make new friends to date if you worry too much which is HARDER since you will have to go out alone and can't use your current friends as contact cause you "may hurt them" if you date their friends blah blah blah (you know the idea)
Sex isn't everything.
Don't worry about being awkward on it (when you get there) just go with the flow and let it happen. So what if one person more experience than the other, If you are not sure what to do, there are some porn out there on where your equipment should be going (yea that sounded mean)
Now, the main part about dating is to get to know the other person. Enjoying each other company. Don't worry about the physical part until you get to the "3rd date rule"
first you must get on FIRST date before worry about 3rd date. If she is apprehensive about sex, then you may not have to worry about it until much later.
Now if you do want sex on the first date, then this girl may not be for you and find someone else.
If you worry about "breaking the circle of friends" then you are making it harder on yourself. You will need to make new friends to date if you worry too much which is HARDER since you will have to go out alone and can't use your current friends as contact cause you "may hurt them" if you date their friends blah blah blah (you know the idea)
Norris - you're wrong.
The book recommendation: My beef is that without even looking at the book for yourself, you shot it down. It's the SAME THING that I've been arguing with you the whole time. Without even trying something, you're finding reasons not to try it. This isn't just a recommendation for a book or a movie that I think you'll like. I'm actively trying to HELP you because it's something that's helped me and scores of others. Like I said: go to a bookstore and read a few pages. Try it for yourself.
The reviews: If I'm looking at the same reviews you looked at, then once again, you're focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive (Cognitive Distortion: disqualifying the positive). There are 13 1-star reviews and ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE 5-star reviews. Yeah, Transformers got some good reviews, but the VAST MAJORITY of them were negative. Your comparitive argument there is extremely flawed. What offends me most is that I am honestly and truly trying to help you and at every single step, every single suggestion, you shoot me down or come up with an excuse. I could go through every one of your posts and find examples of almost every single Cognitive Distortion listed.
Crying yourself to sleep sometimes is more than "a little less happy than the average person". That is a symptom of something that you're disregarding. Also, misreading that I said "every night"? Cognitive distortion: Mental filter.
The reviews: If I'm looking at the same reviews you looked at, then once again, you're focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive (Cognitive Distortion: disqualifying the positive). There are 13 1-star reviews and ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE 5-star reviews. Yeah, Transformers got some good reviews, but the VAST MAJORITY of them were negative. Your comparitive argument there is extremely flawed. What offends me most is that I am honestly and truly trying to help you and at every single step, every single suggestion, you shoot me down or come up with an excuse. I could go through every one of your posts and find examples of almost every single Cognitive Distortion listed.
Crying yourself to sleep sometimes is more than "a little less happy than the average person". That is a symptom of something that you're disregarding. Also, misreading that I said "every night"? Cognitive distortion: Mental filter.
K
kaykordeath
I'm a middle class white guy.
I suffered with depression for years. I knew what it was. I've always prided myself on being in tune with my self. I knew I was unhappy and could fairly well elaborate on WHAT I was unhappy about. I didn't want/need counseling because "what good would talking to someone else do that I didn't already discover or KNOW about myself."
And while I didn't really learn anything NEW...finally breaking down and talking to someone help tremendously! Because it's their fucking job to help you! And I mean YOU you, not JUST the abused and raped and fucked up. I do not understand your hesitation. There is no LOGICAL sense in not perusing help. You came here asking for help, and we're A) Helping you and B) showing you how to get more help....If you're concerned that seeing a professional will somehow diminish your self worth, I'd point you back to the start of this thread and re-read it all again...
I suffered with depression for years. I knew what it was. I've always prided myself on being in tune with my self. I knew I was unhappy and could fairly well elaborate on WHAT I was unhappy about. I didn't want/need counseling because "what good would talking to someone else do that I didn't already discover or KNOW about myself."
And while I didn't really learn anything NEW...finally breaking down and talking to someone help tremendously! Because it's their fucking job to help you! And I mean YOU you, not JUST the abused and raped and fucked up. I do not understand your hesitation. There is no LOGICAL sense in not perusing help. You came here asking for help, and we're A) Helping you and B) showing you how to get more help....If you're concerned that seeing a professional will somehow diminish your self worth, I'd point you back to the start of this thread and re-read it all again...
There are 4 pages of people giving you advice and 4 pages of you saying why it will never ever ever ever ever ever ever work. If you already came to that conclusion, I don't even know why you made this thread, and you should just stop reading it. However, the fact that you actually made it says that you want SOMEONE to be able to push you, unfortunately none of us can do that through a computer screen, you actually have to take control yourself.
Ditto. I'm a middle class guy who's been spoiled rotten by his parents far too much. But my self-esteem's taken a shit-kicking from relentless bullying, staying indoors and playing video games/watching horror movies more than getting out and playing sports/interacting with kids, along with the usual daddy issues because all my dad cares about are my finances, not the novel I finished writing.
I'm a published writer, an English Literature undergraduate, studying to be a teacher and am not balding. What the hell have I to be depressed about?
Because it's something that's in me. There's something wrong with my brain chemistry that makes me feel like a total loser who feels like he's a burden on everyone around him, that no girl would ever want to date, that sure I published some stories but my novel is like Casablanca meets Ninja Turtles. I have little self worth.
Getting some help in some form is better than getting no help at all.
I'm a published writer, an English Literature undergraduate, studying to be a teacher and am not balding. What the hell have I to be depressed about?
Because it's something that's in me. There's something wrong with my brain chemistry that makes me feel like a total loser who feels like he's a burden on everyone around him, that no girl would ever want to date, that sure I published some stories but my novel is like Casablanca meets Ninja Turtles. I have little self worth.
Getting some help in some form is better than getting no help at all.
C
Chibibar
the thing is that if you are interest in a girl and she is available, why not just ask? why make it too complicated? why worry about what your friend think? People tend to think too much and make such a big deal (I guess that is why Soaps are so popular)
The problem is that unless you are outgoing, your circle of influence (CoI) is very limited. This is your potential pool for date/mate. So by limiting your actions, you are limiting your CoI. This is why people always suggest you go out of your "norm" and join groups of activities you enjoy thus increasing your CoI.
While you are in school, your CoI is actually pretty large, since you get to meet people from all walks of life (positive and negative) in College, you have options to meet all kinds of people, but once you are out of school, CoI is pretty limited to close friends, activities, and work.
The only way to increase it, is via social group, church group, activities group, conventions, and any other activities that allows you to meet fresh new faces.
How does this apply to me Chibi?
Well, look at your situation Norris. You like a girl, but you are afraid it will cause complication. How many girls do you know that you like in the past? have you ask them out? how many other options do you have in the future? It doesn't sound like you go out of your way to meet new people, so your CoI is limited by your current friends and who they can introduce to you (this is an example with all the scenarios you given us)
So bottom line is that with limited CoI, just ask her for a date. It could just be a friend date just you and her to see how it goes. Don't think about sex, just have fun and enjoy each other company. If you worry about "pissing off or alienating Mrs M" or alienating anyone else, then you need to go out of your comfort zone and increase you CoI (i.e. randomly partying is a good way to meet people)
The problem is that unless you are outgoing, your circle of influence (CoI) is very limited. This is your potential pool for date/mate. So by limiting your actions, you are limiting your CoI. This is why people always suggest you go out of your "norm" and join groups of activities you enjoy thus increasing your CoI.
While you are in school, your CoI is actually pretty large, since you get to meet people from all walks of life (positive and negative) in College, you have options to meet all kinds of people, but once you are out of school, CoI is pretty limited to close friends, activities, and work.
The only way to increase it, is via social group, church group, activities group, conventions, and any other activities that allows you to meet fresh new faces.
How does this apply to me Chibi?
Well, look at your situation Norris. You like a girl, but you are afraid it will cause complication. How many girls do you know that you like in the past? have you ask them out? how many other options do you have in the future? It doesn't sound like you go out of your way to meet new people, so your CoI is limited by your current friends and who they can introduce to you (this is an example with all the scenarios you given us)
So bottom line is that with limited CoI, just ask her for a date. It could just be a friend date just you and her to see how it goes. Don't think about sex, just have fun and enjoy each other company. If you worry about "pissing off or alienating Mrs M" or alienating anyone else, then you need to go out of your comfort zone and increase you CoI (i.e. randomly partying is a good way to meet people)
You know... I'm gonna have to side with Charlie on this one.
Y'all mark your calendars!
Y'all mark your calendars!
C
Chibibar
Note: I use to think just like you Norris when I was younger, but a great friend of mine (R.I.P Buddy) said to me, the greatest enemy is YOU. I can be my worst enemy and be the greatest critic you will ever encounter. no living person could ever match that. The only way to overcome it is never let yourself be talk down by anyone including you. The moment I don't give a rat's butt on what people think of me, a whole new world open up. I go out and talk to random guys and girls and you be surprise how many new friends you can make. I go to conventions around the country and meet new people and make lasting friends. Sure there are some negatives, but you just cast that aside and keep on truckin!
Guys, Norris is too good for counseling.
Norris sounds like a mild manic-depressive. I wonder how long he'll deny the need for counseling until it develops into a more major form or another psychological disorder altogether, and then he'll consider himself worthy of therapy.
Norris sounds like a mild manic-depressive. I wonder how long he'll deny the need for counseling until it develops into a more major form or another psychological disorder altogether, and then he'll consider himself worthy of therapy.
You know, this thread title ain't just whistlin' dixie
C
Chibibar
We are all just online personalities
we can give our stories and advice, but it all boils down to the person in question. You can take what we said as a grain of salt, or seek help. If you are in a college (I forgot who is who and where) then there are school counselors for these kind of thing (a good start) or maybe some professional help.Holy crap, have you ever got a point.
Wow. Why did I read all this?
Norris....man...NORRIS. What the heck are you doing to yourself?
This is going to be cruel but I have to say it: I am a woman. I am an exceedingly nerdy woman. I would never date you seeing this. You need to help yourself before you can even THINK about committing yourself to another human being.
It's the only considerate thing to do.
Norris....man...NORRIS. What the heck are you doing to yourself?
This is going to be cruel but I have to say it: I am a woman. I am an exceedingly nerdy woman. I would never date you seeing this. You need to help yourself before you can even THINK about committing yourself to another human being.
It's the only considerate thing to do.
C
Chibibar
- Status