Most brutal movie review I've ever read: Abduction.

[Dave]

http://www.pajiba.com/film_reviews/abduction-movie-review.php

Some quality parts of the review:

Think of Abduction this way: There’s the Bourne Identity, then way below that is Mark Wahlberg’s Shooter. Then there’s 50,000 feet of crap. Underneath that is Liam Neeson’s Unknown. Dig another 100,000 feet until you hit a liquid-y orange-and-brown ooze and there you will find Abduction, a movie so bad it shouldn’t be allowed to call itself a movie. It should be called bad performance art for troglodytic, subhuman Caucasian bed-wetting females with a predisposition for shirtless, roundhouse-kicking dildos.

There’s a reason Taylor Lautner was nearly replaced after the first Twilight movie: He’s not an actor. He’s a pair of abs attached to an inbred two by four.

... it’s impossible to invest yourself in it when the lead actor looks like an embarrassed kid with his girlfriend who is trying to escape a room he accidentally farted in.

 

[Jay]

This text is black.

Why?

 

[Dave]

Cut 'n paste from the site.

 

[Jay]

Cut 'n paste from the site.

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

that guy is really mad at Taylor Lautner

 

[Steve]

Just seeing the commercials I wholeheartedly agree with the review. When Taylor says "Not if I find you first" it comes off as threatening as a midget tickling my asshole with a feather.

 

[Shegokigo]

I think Taylor should have died in a horrible motorcycle accident. I hope he, like Robert P. end up a vague memory in history of cinema. The thought that he'd become the new face of action movies for this generation is as pathetic as when they were saying Robert was going to be the new face of romance films.

 

[GasBandit]

Taylor Lautner everybody!

 

[Necronic]

Just seeing the commercials I wholeheartedly agree with the review. When Taylor says "Not if I find you first" it comes off as threatening as a midget tickling my asshole with a feather.

Waking up to that at 3 in the morning would be incredibly threatening.

Just saying.

 

[Baerdog]

His presumed father (Jason Isaacs) is a hard ass who subjects Nathan to mixed-martial arts matches if he’s caught drinking, while his mom (Maria Bello) stands out of the way, nods lovingly and counts her money while daydreaming about staircase scenes with Viggo Mortenson.

That was my favorite part of the whole review.

 

[General Specific]

Taylor Lautner everybody!

That can't be him, he's so life-like in that clip.

 

[Philosopher B.]

as threatening as a midget tickling my asshole with a feather.

When your fists are at his head height, his teeth are at your crotch height.

 

[Gryfter]

Sorry, but the dude will always be Sharkboy to me... that kinda blows any actor cred he might develop in the future.