Like a cell phone in a bomb shelter, I don't get signals (dating advice)
- Thread starter Norris
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I'm returning back to my original advice:
Drop trou and ask her, "So how about it?"
Drop trou and ask her, "So how about it?"
Hey, keep up, he's part of the facebook generation. Text "When can I tap that?".I'm returning back to my original advice:
Drop trou and ask her, "So how about it?"
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Biannoshufu
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That's because you were wearing ziggy boxer shorts. Bitches love ziggy.
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Chibibar
I did that twice at an anime convention with some hot cosplayer...I'm returning back to my original advice:
Drop trou and ask her, "So how about it?"
It worked
She better be seeing a Therapist then.
fade
Staff member
Wow. I avoid relationship threads like the plague. Something compelled me to read this one from start to finish though. By "something", I mean Nick's reply on the last page.
Summary:
Norris: Is this girl giving me signals?
Forum: Yes. (original topic concluded)
Norris: But, I have low self-esteem
Forum: Ha, you! We've all been there. Best thing you can do is just ask her out.
Norris: You don't know me! Stop giving me "orders" cleverly disguised as advice!
Forum: Whoa buddy, that's how advice works. (fun fact: advice comes in the form of things you should do. Otherwise, they'd just call it "random talking")
Norris: But SURPRISE! You didn't know this stuff about me or the girl! Dodge, parry, riposte!
Forum: Wow, you're right, that is bad. Maybe you could try professional help.
Norris: No way, it's normal. Besides, my dad's depression could totally beat up my depression. Also, I'm not eating tonight because there are kids starving in China.
Forum: Huh. Okay, how about this advice then?
Norris: STOP GIVING ME ORDERS. Your so-called advice doesn't confirm my previous decisions or allow me to live my life completely unchanged from before I asked for it.
Forum: Well...screw you then.
Norris: I only keep checking this thread out of honor.
Summary:
Norris: Is this girl giving me signals?
Forum: Yes. (original topic concluded)
Norris: But, I have low self-esteem
Forum: Ha, you! We've all been there. Best thing you can do is just ask her out.
Norris: You don't know me! Stop giving me "orders" cleverly disguised as advice!
Forum: Whoa buddy, that's how advice works. (fun fact: advice comes in the form of things you should do. Otherwise, they'd just call it "random talking")
Norris: But SURPRISE! You didn't know this stuff about me or the girl! Dodge, parry, riposte!
Forum: Wow, you're right, that is bad. Maybe you could try professional help.
Norris: No way, it's normal. Besides, my dad's depression could totally beat up my depression. Also, I'm not eating tonight because there are kids starving in China.
Forum: Huh. Okay, how about this advice then?
Norris: STOP GIVING ME ORDERS. Your so-called advice doesn't confirm my previous decisions or allow me to live my life completely unchanged from before I asked for it.
Forum: Well...screw you then.
Norris: I only keep checking this thread out of honor.
figmentPez
Staff member
Ditto.
Here's a more accurate version:
Norris: Is this girl giving me signals?
Forum: Yes. (original topic concluded)
Norris: But, I have low self-esteem, and hugely bad experiences asking out girls. (shouldn'ta said that)
Forum: Man the fuck up, stop being a pussy, ask that bitch out.
Norris: Don't fucking tell me to man up, that isn't what I fucking asked for.
Forum: Just ask her out then.
Norris: I don't really want to lose out on having friends on the off chance of fleeting happiness from dating.
Forum: Maybe you should try therapy for what are clearly self esteem issues and possibly depression/anxiety.
Norris: Its not really as bad as it I made it sound. The right song can turn my day around for chrissakes. Besides, my dad's had real problems and did great for four decades without counseling. I will be fine without counseling.
Forum: Go to therapy man. You can do better than just "fine". Come on. It will help.
Norris: IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD. Stop telling me I need therapy. I disagree. People who know me better than you generally disagree. At any rate, I'm going to hang out with the girl one-on-one this weekend. Fingers crossed.
Forum: Well...screw you then. About the therapy stuff. Good luck with the girl, but we doubt you'll be successful because of your issues.
Norris: Fair enough.
You guys behaved reasonably based on the information I gave. I got a little too hot under the collar in response. But you don't know my life story, my family's story, etc. Would therapy/counseling get me where I want to be a little faster than working on it myself? Fuck yes. Does that mean I should do it? Not in my estimation. I've gotten a lot better in the last year, something you guys would have no way of knowing. No counseling, no self help books, no prescriptions, just me reframing things, having the occasional epiphany, and talking to friends when I need to. And it has been incredibly satisfying. Leave the couch open for someone who really need its.
Seriously, how would you guys have reacted if I started a thread saying "OMG you guys, my life is teh suck!"? In my decade of message boarding, this is the first time I've ever seen a message board get pissed off at a whiny middle class white boy for saying his problems are just like everyone else's and he's fine. Yes, I do have some problems. Not "on the couch" problems, but "work through them" problems.
Norris: Is this girl giving me signals?
Forum: Yes. (original topic concluded)
Norris: But, I have low self-esteem, and hugely bad experiences asking out girls. (shouldn'ta said that)
Forum: Man the fuck up, stop being a pussy, ask that bitch out.
Norris: Don't fucking tell me to man up, that isn't what I fucking asked for.
Forum: Just ask her out then.
Norris: I don't really want to lose out on having friends on the off chance of fleeting happiness from dating.
Forum: Maybe you should try therapy for what are clearly self esteem issues and possibly depression/anxiety.
Norris: Its not really as bad as it I made it sound. The right song can turn my day around for chrissakes. Besides, my dad's had real problems and did great for four decades without counseling. I will be fine without counseling.
Forum: Go to therapy man. You can do better than just "fine". Come on. It will help.
Norris: IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD. Stop telling me I need therapy. I disagree. People who know me better than you generally disagree. At any rate, I'm going to hang out with the girl one-on-one this weekend. Fingers crossed.
Forum: Well...screw you then. About the therapy stuff. Good luck with the girl, but we doubt you'll be successful because of your issues.
Norris: Fair enough.
You guys behaved reasonably based on the information I gave. I got a little too hot under the collar in response. But you don't know my life story, my family's story, etc. Would therapy/counseling get me where I want to be a little faster than working on it myself? Fuck yes. Does that mean I should do it? Not in my estimation. I've gotten a lot better in the last year, something you guys would have no way of knowing. No counseling, no self help books, no prescriptions, just me reframing things, having the occasional epiphany, and talking to friends when I need to. And it has been incredibly satisfying. Leave the couch open for someone who really need its.
Seriously, how would you guys have reacted if I started a thread saying "OMG you guys, my life is teh suck!"? In my decade of message boarding, this is the first time I've ever seen a message board get pissed off at a whiny middle class white boy for saying his problems are just like everyone else's and he's fine. Yes, I do have some problems. Not "on the couch" problems, but "work through them" problems.
Then she'll quit reading that series. Just like people will quit talking to you indefinitely if you ask them out and they don't like you that way.
Really? Most of my best female friends came from coming on to them and them not being interested in women.
So anecdotal evidence is anecdotal huh?
Damnit, you keep suckering me into this thread. It really did go how Fade wrote it. Just in your mind it didn't.
HOWEVER: Kudos to you for not running out of the thread like a bitch, you kept your head up, regardless of the posts and continued to defend yourself (even though half the time you were defending against something you didn't read fully). So thumbs up to that.
So anecdotal evidence is anecdotal huh?
Damnit, you keep suckering me into this thread. It really did go how Fade wrote it. Just in your mind it didn't.
HOWEVER: Kudos to you for not running out of the thread like a bitch, you kept your head up, regardless of the posts and continued to defend yourself (even though half the time you were defending against something you didn't read fully). So thumbs up to that.
That is your experience. Losing friends because I came onto them is mine. Three times. Would be unreasonable for someone who's totaled three cars to be afraid of car accidents? Then why is it unreasonable for me to worry about losing a friend like this?
However, it is not like I am letting this worry paralyze me with fear! I'm planning to ask her out if things go well tomorrow. I'm just worried about what the consequences of a no will be.
Thanks. I think.
Your analogy is bad: The way you're acting right now is if you had totaled three cars and now you're afraid to get into a car at all.
I wrote a second line in that first quote you posted btw. It's all about personal experience, you're going to base your opinions on what you've experienced, but to discredit all other advice that is to the contrary and probably massively overwhelming in the opposite of your own experiences is just close minded. I've learned that the hard way a few times, even in threads here on HF. Which is why I cherish this place so much, it opens my eyes when I can't see past my own bloody hands.
It's not unreasonable to worry about losing your friend, it's part of the "danger" of going further with this. It's a risk, everyone's pretty much agreed with that when they offered their advice. However, there is little to no reward for those who live their lives avoiding all risk.
I wrote a second line in that first quote you posted btw. It's all about personal experience, you're going to base your opinions on what you've experienced, but to discredit all other advice that is to the contrary and probably massively overwhelming in the opposite of your own experiences is just close minded. I've learned that the hard way a few times, even in threads here on HF. Which is why I cherish this place so much, it opens my eyes when I can't see past my own bloody hands.
It's not unreasonable to worry about losing your friend, it's part of the "danger" of going further with this. It's a risk, everyone's pretty much agreed with that when they offered their advice. However, there is little to no reward for those who live their lives avoiding all risk.
I know there isn't a reward for those who do nothing. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and all that. I'm not doing nothing. I just want to minimize my risk, not avoid it at all. Everyone I've asked about this (we're up to ten+ plus sources, including her roommate/my bestie, if you just count message boards as 1 source) has agreed it sounded it promising. So I'm moving ahead.
If even half those people told me I was crazy for seeing a signal, I wouldn't be moving ahead. Because that goes to 50/50 shot, I don't like those odds. It's my own judgement about women I don't trust, not other people's.
So to stretch my analogy to the breaking point, I'm like a 3 totaler checking the weather before deciding to go do something unnecessary. If the roads are icy and conditions are bad, I stay home.
fade
Staff member
At this point, everyone is going around in circles. Everybody really does understand your point of view, Norris. Hell, this is a forum full of your compatriots, not radically different people. Presumably, that's why you asked here. We've been through this. Half of us here still sleep in our Star Wars sheets, even those of us who are married or committed, male, female, gay, or straight. This is a bona fide, politically correct slice of nerddom here. The main difference is that you've rejected almost everything that these guys have suggested out in the name of minimizing risk. Fine, we understand that, too. That is the very origin of the "man up" stuff. It's not to be mean--I get the impression you are taking it that way. It's quite the opposite. It's a cheer. Go, buddy! Grab your proverbial balls (or your real ones if it helps)!
On the one hand, you say that "it's not that bad", and on the other, you say that your fear of the risk is keeping you from doing something you want. Well, you know something? It is that bad then. In fact, you've satisfied the definition of a mental illness, which is that it interferes with your desired course of life. This is word passed from my wife, a licensed professional counselor, by the way. Who I met by "manning up" despite my irrational fears of rejection.
I guess what bugged me the most about this thread was that the loads of good advice were either ignored or taken as an outright attack. Which is a shame, because none of it was meant that way, and most of it was good, in no small part because most of us are very much like the you you described.
Added at: 18:59
Oh yeah, and all of us had that fear of rejection because of the potential Very Bad Things that could happen. Sometimes they did. Life goes on. But there's a good chance it could go on with a new partner.
On the one hand, you say that "it's not that bad", and on the other, you say that your fear of the risk is keeping you from doing something you want. Well, you know something? It is that bad then. In fact, you've satisfied the definition of a mental illness, which is that it interferes with your desired course of life. This is word passed from my wife, a licensed professional counselor, by the way. Who I met by "manning up" despite my irrational fears of rejection.
I guess what bugged me the most about this thread was that the loads of good advice were either ignored or taken as an outright attack. Which is a shame, because none of it was meant that way, and most of it was good, in no small part because most of us are very much like the you you described.
Added at: 18:59
Oh yeah, and all of us had that fear of rejection because of the potential Very Bad Things that could happen. Sometimes they did. Life goes on. But there's a good chance it could go on with a new partner.
If the options are "things get better" or "things stay the same", then yes 50/50 odds are amazing. if the options are "things get better" or "things get a whole lot worse", then they're a huge risk.
I've spent more hours hanging out with these rommates, mainly at their apartment, than I have spent in most of my classes thus far this semester. The worst case scenario is that I lose that forever. The best case scenario is that I find an amazing woman who I end up spending the rest of my life with. Medium good case scenario is that, regardless of what happen, nothing ends up changing in the long run. Medium bad is that I can't show my face there for a month or two.
When i say it like that, it doesn't sound so bad.
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Chibibar
I agree with Fade. In all things in life, there is a chance of failure and chance of success. Now, back to the circle of influence, if your circle is small (which seems to be which means i.e. small groups of friends and pools to date with) That does limit your options.
What some of us saying about "man up" is more change of attitude but not change of you. By taking a risk (even "knowing the odds"), you have a chance of success. Sure the chance of failure is higher (generally) but the reward is much greater when it does succeed. That is what "man up" is all about. Take all those failures, chalk up as experience and move on. The moment you give up, that is when you lose.
As long you keep on trying, you never lose (in long term) There are billions of people on this planet. There is someone out there for you, but you will never find that person if you don't step out of your comfort zone.
What some of us saying about "man up" is more change of attitude but not change of you. By taking a risk (even "knowing the odds"), you have a chance of success. Sure the chance of failure is higher (generally) but the reward is much greater when it does succeed. That is what "man up" is all about. Take all those failures, chalk up as experience and move on. The moment you give up, that is when you lose.
As long you keep on trying, you never lose (in long term) There are billions of people on this planet. There is someone out there for you, but you will never find that person if you don't step out of your comfort zone.
So, if Norris doesn't make a move, she's available, yeah?
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Biannoshufu
this is the funniest thing I have read here all year. I keep rereading it and giggling.
Good plan. Let things cool off. However, do not just disappear from her sight, you are guaranteed to make things more awkward once you finally see her again. Just don't go out of your way to do stuff together, stay cool and friendly.
In the end, you tried. That's the important thing. And you never know what the future may bring.
YES. YES. YES.
With a 1/5 lifetime win/loss record when it comes to asking girls out....I think I do.
Yeah, because I asked her out I get to feel rejected and sad and sans hope whereas if I hadn't, I could delude myself into thinking she'd say "yes" if only I found the right moment and have hope. Everything's coming up Norris!
You can go into a comic shop, meet a cute girl, ask her out, go on a date, get laid, and decide it is going nowhere serious. I can build an unexpected rapport with a girl, ask her out, and get shot down. I could even get laid in a two and half year committed relationship in which we'd fantasize about sex often. You aren't me. I wish had whatever it is that you have, but I don't.
It seems like every girl my age who I meet, who I hit it off with, who I would be interested in asking out...already has a boyfriend that they started dating while I was still wasting time with my ex. I finally meet one beautiful, intelligent, nerdy girl who is single and her answer to me asking her out is "No thank you." Some people just aren't cut out for relationships. My uncle's never been married, hasn't even had a serious girlfriend in all the time I can remember. He seems happy.
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