Like a cell phone in a bomb shelter, I don't get signals (dating advice)

Status
Not open for further replies.
Tress

Tress

My god, this thread is hilarious. Well, pretty sad too, but hilarious. I know everyone is trying to help, but it's a complete lost cause. Just stop. You're just feeding the beast at this point.
 
B

Biannoshufu

I'm not trying to help. I'm just watching because my god it's a Davinci of a car wrecked thread.

Norris has made up his mind. He's chosen the path he wants, the outcomes he expects, and ultimately, the life he wants to live. It's a free country.
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

There's not flaw in your rationale, except that it's your rationale: the flaw in your thinking is thinking that she thinks like you.

Your "parameter -> result" scenario is how you approach it, but not how all of us do. On an extraordinarily general level, I might agree that we all have parameters that must be met to get a result, but I mean we're talking super ridiculously vaguely general to the point of uselessness.

You might have your list of criteria for turn offs, dealbreaking no-daters; this does not mean she does. If she does, her parameters might not address turn-offs, turn-ons and they might not even be things she's consciously thought about. This, I think, is the crux of Nick's 'mind-reading' criticism. You just don't know how or what people think, and it's a huge error to think you can figure it out. It causes problems because you start to see their actions with your rationale. Insight into someone's character is immensely difficult, we're talking decades of close friendship.

Sometimes your A paper gets a B because your prof's an asshole, and not because your paper sucked. Sometimes you get rejected because the girl just wasn't into it, and you may never know why, and there may not even be a real 'why'. But you just write an excellent paper for your next decent prof, and you just ask out the next girl.

So the short version is no, there needn't be a what that she decided qualified to not go on a date with you.
 
Norris

Norris

ThatNickGuy said:
And honestly, if someone ten or fifteen years ago told me they knew exactly what I was feeling and told me ways to help fix it? Yeah, I would have listened. In fact, I did. My sister.
Click to expand...
Emphasis mine. Someone who knew you, in fleshy real life, as a complete and whole person, told you to get help. If my sister sat me down and said "Chris, I really think you need help", I would get it. If Mrs. M sat me down and said that, I would get help. If my dad sat me down and said it, I would get help. Total strangers on the internet? Somewhat less compelling.

mr_thehun said:
well hey, even though you're still defensively stating you don't need help working on your problems because you're working on your problems, at least you are now able to admit to having a problem that can be overcome.
Click to expand...
I don't think I've ever tried to give the impression I thought I was perfect. I have flaws. I have patterns I need to break. And I've broken a lot of them in the past year, without the help of a therapist.

SpecialKO said:
And yet, you seem determined to not see the upside to this. You managed to man up (sort of) and asked her out. You will never, ever wonder whether you missed something, or walked away from a chance to explore.
Click to expand...
And got shot down without knowing exactly why. I learn nothing. My confidence is rewarded with goose egg. The most I can gather from this experience is that not every rejection is Andrea, and you do get to keep friendships after being shot down. Which is a reinforcement of something I already knew.

You say your friends are telling you that you're not doing bad and you're a decent guy in general, and that's why you're not listening to our opinions. Fine. So why are you not listening to their opinions, and insist on working yourself into a tizzy trying to figure out what's so wrong with you that Galatea won't go out with you?
Click to expand...
Not Galatea. She's not someone I have built up into the perfect mate. She's a friend who I really really like who seemed to be giving me signals. She'd probably term a "great guy", much like my ex and almost all my other paltonic female friends do. I just want to know where the fatal disconnect between "good guy" and "undateable" is.
Quotemander Prime said:
Are you seriously pulling "More depressed than thou"?
Click to expand...
No. I'm saying a year ago I couldn't: look at myself in the mirror, talk to new people without being forced, understand that my friends actually enjoy spending time with me, or think about dating without turning into a jibbering mess. Today, I can do all of those things and do them well. So I'm less depressed than I was 365 days ago, without any professional help.
Chad Sexington said:
There's not flaw in your rationale, except that it's your rationale: the flaw in your thinking is thinking that she thinks like you
....

So the short version is no, there needn't be a what that she decided qualified to not go on a date with you.
Click to expand...
That sir, is an excellent point. While there doesn't need to be a reason it could be as simple as she doesn't want to try to fit dating into 13 hour school days, a fucked up sleep schedule (I've come over at 3 in the afternoon before and she was still asleep), and mountains of homework.
Amorous Eyes said:
This. So much this. It takes only an instant for me to figure this out when I meet or talk to someone that is interested in me. No confidence = no interest. A friend at most IF they have some similar interests or something. Which you apparently have with Mads.
Click to expand...
I would like to think that the tremendous gains I've made in self esteem (to the point where she told me that her assessment of me as a person when we met was all wrong...which it wasn't, at the time) account for something. Still, you have a point. I was kind of super nervous when I asked her out, and that very well may have been a problem.

Also, talking to a cute girl who reads comics would require me to find one who isn't my sister. :p
 
C

Chibibar

Norris: you ask why are you not good enough to date but good enough to be a friend?
Well, I have to back Shego up on this one. It is confidence. It is all how you present yourself and your view to the world. Heck, It is about presentation.

I am not going to lie to you, but generally MOST people would judge a book by its cover and run with it. How did you present yourself the first time you met them? From the posting here, I can honestly say that you do lack the self confidence (I could be wrong) but that is what I'm getting and I haven't even met you in person.

The problem is that people are not mind readers (well I'm not and I am guessing you are not) so each person usually formulate what they see from information given. some people will give much larger leeway and some don't. Remember the old saying "First impression is everything" That is still hold true.

Now the 2nd part is hard. The "friend zone" majority of the time once you are in this zone, you are stuck. There is VERY rare occasion that you or anyone has a chance to get OUT of the friend zone and into the Date zone, but that is far few and in-between (in my experience) Women have these little radars that can detect if you want to get in her pants, her lover, or just be friends once they lock in to a certain mode, you are stuck (with some exceptions) I will use -> as possible upgrade/downgrade paths note: this is what I have observe.

Friend zone : you are stuck
Friends with intention -> Sex -> FWB -> Lovers -> partners -> friends

Now, I can honestly say that I was shy long time ago. I have many friends that are girls, but most consider me to be "big brother" or "little brother" (basically Friend zone) until I got more confidence in asking them out or show interest in them initially. That made a BIG difference in college. It was not an easy transition. I know you mention that you don't want to lose yourself or your identity, but I don't consider "changing your approach" to do that. Think of it as what you want on the inside (your needs) and show it on the outside (your confidence) you are still you, you are just showing it to the world and the women out there can take it or leave it :)
 
Jay

Jay

So... noticed 4 new pages in this thread. This is my advice :

veq8b9.jpg.gif


This is just a lost cause.

and THIS THREAD JUST WON'T DIE.
 
C

Chibibar

There is a lot of good info on this thread for anyone who want to turn around and want to date more (i.e. first impression, people's impression, people's outlook and such) we shouldn't bury it :(
 
GasBandit

GasBandit

Staff member
Quotemander Prime said:
But I want him to.

I want him to deviate from his most cherished friends. I want him to ignore his way of thinking. I want him to break every law he's sworn to uphold.
Click to expand...
Exactly. Because who his identity is, is forever doomed to solitude.

EVERYBODY, of all walks and stripes of life, needs to get it through their head - WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, IS NOT IMPORTANT. If you refuse to change yourself, do not be surprised when your circumstances also refuse to change. It is a rare, rare (and usually stinking rich) person who gets to choose who he is and then force the world to accept it. The rest of us have to change who we are in order to change our situation.

This is what Buddhists mean when they say "Change comes from within."

And that's why this thread is now a herpaderp brothers circus - because its original purpose is revealed to be futile.
 
C

Chibibar

Quotemander Prime said:
But I want him to.

I want him to deviate from his most cherished friends. I want him to ignore his way of thinking. I want him to break every law he's sworn to uphold.
Click to expand...
LOL.

I will agree with that :)
I will still stick with my CoI (Circle of Influence) you (Norris) must expand on this IF you want to find a girl who want to date you and not just be your friend.
Here is why (IMO)
Your current CoI is limiting mainly if all the female you encounter are your current friends and friend of their, more than likely, they might paint you as a "nice guy to be friend with" of course statistically speaking there is a slight chance there might be that one renegade that will date you (it can happen) but that chance drop when neither one of you makes the move. So, the only way to increase your chance to find a "datable" mate even to accepts all your personality, flaws, and misgivings. You would have to go out of your comfort zone.

This is why the old saying "Travel does broaden your horizon" it is true. Of course I am not saying to uproot and leave your home, but at least expand your activities and maybe hang out with people you DON'T know. Start with a concert, museum, anime conventions, or whatever suit your fancy.

I met some life long friends (going 20+ years) from anime convention. sure 90% of them are REALLY weird even by MY standards, but I made friends and keep in contact today :)
Added at: 16:54
Charlie Don't Surf said:
Chibi stop spouting the friend zone ladder theory bullshit, plz.
Click to expand...
Heh. It is only BS when a person break out of their shell and be pro-active. This is pretty much Norris is stuck in IMO. He break out of his current shell and wonder why he can't find datable women and women he did meet just want to be his friends.

Edit: The friend ladder is common to people who "accepts" it. If a person is truly wanting to break it, they can, but at this point we are talking about Norris' situation. Now, I have encounter many people like him (heck at one point I was like that) There are girls now that I was friend with in the past would date me now (I have change in the last 20 years) but being married kinda hinders that ;) (also could be the forbidden fruit theory) If a person willing to change oneself for the better, then situation will change. I think if Norris continue this path (unchanging) then he is stuck in friend mode with people he is with now.

Now of course there are rare chance maybe tomorrow or 5 years down the line one of the girl may have a chance of heart and date him. Hooray! so he can either wait and continue to be friends, or find someone else.
 
Necronic

Necronic

Staff member
Man, I was trying to find this great comic that was about how the whole friendzone concept was actually the dude being an emotionally manipulative prick (like the XKCD one but a bit better), but I couldn't find it anywhere. The good news is, when I searched for "Friendzone comic" I found this, which is way better:



Just think about it for a bit.
 
Shannow

Shannow

Staff member
Well, it was a slower day here at the office, and wow, did this thread just kill an hour of my time. And guys....never change. ever. I love you all. I may not say that enough, I may rag on you all, and hate and whatnot...but holy fucking shit, what an amazngly hilarious read. That was 11 pages of awesome.

And to Norris, this is probably too late. But shit man...whiskey and hookers. With the internet, both are easy to find!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top