Glad to be Bad: The Active Schadenfreude Thread

[GasBandit]

I often like to cackle to people when I've done something mean. To people who have no way (or merely no inclination) of reporting the bad thing I've done to the people I did it to. I sometimes do this in IRC, or to a close friend.

But recent shenanigans around here have me thinking that there might be enough people like me around here that just flat out enjoy being cruel to hapless schmoes. And I'd like to swap stories.

To start off, I'll share this little gem I talked about in IRC a month or so ago, since most of you don't go there.

A certain user here at work was complaining about how slow her computer was acting. Using only the most basic of problem-solving, I saw that an updater for a non-standard toolbar in firefox was eating up 100% of CPU cycles. I killed the task, and hid the toolbar in firefox, and lectured the user about installing unapproved software.

I hid the toolbar. Not uninstalled, hid.

About once a week I still have to go "fix" her computer, and I get to look at her like she's an irresponsible child and say "what'd you break THIS time?" ... and surreptitiously end task on the toolbar updater which, invariably, is eating up 100% of the CPU again.

Every time I come back from that I can't help but stifle giggles all the way back to my office.

 

[makare]

you magnificent bastard?

 

[sixpackshaker]

Yeah Gas,

people get ticked off at me when I uninstall their toolbars when they think I was called there for another purpose.

They should shut their yap and be glad that I did not try to get them fired.

 

[Dirona]

At least you're keeping busy.

 

[GasBandit]

Well, nice as all that is, the point here is I'm hoping some of our resident ne'er-do-wells will share their stories of tormenting others as well.

 

[ElJuski]

seriously? You're kind of a fuck.

I thought this thread would be about how funny it is when little kids slip on their butts, or those youtube videos of engagements gone awry.

 

[Espy]

Once I sat at a bar in an airport and used those little off remotes from think geek to turn off the sports on every tv.

Man I must have sat there for hours doing that... Way to much fun, especially when you wait till right before an important play and then *ZAP*. Fun afternoon.

 

[GasBandit]

seriously? You're kind of a fuck.
I thought this thread would be about how funny it is when little kids slip on their butts, or those youtube videos of engagements gone awry.

I'm not kind of a fuck, I'm a great raging fuck and I've never made a secret of it. And I know for a fact there's a little of that in most of you, some more than others. Re-read BOFH and tell me you didn't enjoy it.

Yes, this thread is about being happy to have been mean to somebody else. You, you great mincing ponce, can safely ignore it and go about your self-deluded hypocritical life. You're in the closet of evil.

Added at: 17:07

Once I sat at a bar in an airport and used those little off remotes from think geek to turn off the sports on every tv.
Man I must have sat there for hours doing that... Way to much fun, especially when you wait till right before an important play and then *ZAP*. Fun afternoon.

That's what I'm talkin about! I had one of those little remotes too!

 

[ThatNickGuy]

I'm confused. Did you hide the toolbar so that her computer would continue to be slow? Why not just uninstall it so she doesn't keep complaining about it? Aren't you just creating more work for yourself, not to mention causing unneeded grief?

 

[makare]

What is BOFH?

I can't think of an instance where I was intentionally mean to someone. Not really my thing. i am not saying I haven't taken some satisfaction in seeing comeuppance delivered I just haven't been the Deliverer.

 

[Espy]

That's what I'm talkin about! I had one of those little remotes too!

Lol, well it certainly wasn't all that mean, but at that time in my life I spent TONS of time in airports traveling for work and you gotta do something to occupy your time...

 

[GasBandit]

I'm confused. Did you hide the toolbar so that her computer would continue to be slow? Why not just uninstall it so she doesn't keep complaining about it? Aren't you just creating more work for yourself, not to mention causing unneeded grief?

That is exactly what I did. Because it's 3 seconds for me to "fix" the computer, but it irritates her when it happens for much longer than that. It's not that much more "work" for me, and when I stop getting enjoyment out of it I can fix it for real quite easily.

What is BOFH?
I can't think of an instance where I was intentionally mean to someone. Not really my thing. i am not saying I haven't taken some satisfaction in seeing comeuppance delivered I just haven't been the Deliverer.

The Bastard Operator From Hell (BOFH), a fictional character created by Simon Travaglia, is a rogue system administrator who takes out his anger on users (often referred to as lusers), colleagues, bosses, and anyone else who gets in his way.
The BOFH stories were originally posted in 1992 to Usenet by Travaglia, with some being reprinted in Datamation.[1] They were published weekly from 1995 to 1999 in Network Week and since 2000 they have been published most weeks in The Register. They were also published in PC Plus magazine for a short time, and several books of the stories have also been released.

Spoiler: Click here to read the first BOFH story

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.
A user rings.
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask.
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse "... clock speed."
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print."
"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
You'd really think people would learn not to call.
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice.
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number."
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers.
"HI, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says,
"TELL HIM HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE.'"
"Um. Ok."
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON."
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
Stupid? Uh-Oh.
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matinee Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
"Sure, hang on."
I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.
"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"
"How much have I got?" he simps.
Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available."
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power.
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."
"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
I kill me, I really do!

Added at: 17:19

Lol, well it certainly wasn't all that mean, but at that time in my life I spent TONS of time in airports traveling for work and you gotta do something to occupy your time...

We all gotta start somewhere. Doing it during sports is actually pretty mean, if you have good timing.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

The worst kind of people are the ones who get joy out of creating misery for someone else. So I love it when a bully or a violent criminal gets their comeuppance. Maybe if they're put in their place, they'll learn something about treating other people better.

 

[Null]

Bastard Operator From Hell, a fictional account of an evil but clever sysadmin. Used to be on Usenet, now it's in The Register.

edit: Ninja'd.

 

[Espy]

We all gotta start somewhere. Doing it during sports is actually pretty mean, if you have good timing.

At the very least it's hilarious. The confusions alone is golden. I only did it the one time though, figured that much power could only lead to problems.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

That is exactly what I did. Because it's 3 seconds for me to "fix" the computer, but it irritates her when it happens for much longer than that. It's not that much more "work" for me, and when I stop getting enjoyment out of it I can fix it for real quite easily.

Then you're a prick causing someone else misery for your own enjoyment. That's not schadenfreuden. That's actively using bullying tactics.

 

[GasBandit]

The worst kind of people are the ones who get joy out of creating misery for someone else. So I love it when a bully or a violent criminal gets their comeuppance. Maybe if they're put in their place, they'll learn something about treating other people better.

People like you are my favorite victim.
Added at: 17:25

Then you're a prick causing someone else misery for your own enjoyment. That's not schadenfreuden. That's actively using bullying tactics.

Hence, "active" schadenfreude, not "passive."

 

[ThatNickGuy]

I'd love to see your boss discover this.

 

[Null]

 

[GasBandit]

I'd love to see your boss discover this.

Yesss... just a little more. You're so close to coming over to our side.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Nope. It's about seeing an injustice taken care of. If I were your boss and discovered what you'd done, you'd be getting a stern warning. Continued bullying and you'd be fired.

 

[GasBandit]

Nope. It's about seeing an injustice taken care of. If I were your boss and discovered what you'd done, you'd be getting a stern warning. Continued bullying and you'd be fired.

Did I ever tell you about the time I wiped my ass, balled up the paper, and left it under a Program Director's keyboard over a long weekend for him to discover the following week?

Yeah, I got caught. The guy made a huge stink over it.

Guess what. Not fired.

Your IT guy knows where the bodies are buried. They are hard. to. fire.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Cool story, bro!

 

[GasBandit]

Classy stuff. You must be so proud to feel superior. Cool story, bro!

Thanks. How about the time I got on this other lady's computer, and changed her desktop wallpaper to an extreme closeup from the clown from "it?" I was just being lighthearted at the time, actually... I didn't know she had a huge clown phobia. But still not fired.

 

[ThatGrinningIdiot!]

The only time I would revel in another's misery is when they suffer the consequences of their own actions. And Gas, people like you always cry the loudest when it comes time for your turn in the frying pan.

 

[GasBandit]

The only time I would revel in another's misery is when they suffer the consequences of their own actions. And Gas, people like you always cry the loudest when it comes time for your turn in the frying pan.

I'm sorry you're weak.

Wait, no I'm not.

I don't want this thread to be all about me though. I want other people to chime in too. Like what Espy did.

If you guys don't like it, you can go cry in a corner. I didn't make this thread for you.

 

[Null]

 

[Espy]

I do think it's possible to post funny stories of jokingly torturing and pranking co-workers, etc (ala jim and Dwight in the office which is what I assumed the thread would be about) without being dicks to each other though. Lay off the insults and stuff Gas. Or the thread goes away faster than those tv's I clicked off right before the dude in the tights kicked the ball to the other dudes in tights.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Boy, I'm glad I don't need to treat other people like shit just to feel better about myself.

I feel sorry for you, GB. Can't imagine the kind of buried issues you have about yourself.

 

[Espy]

Come on Nick. If people want to tell stories about pranks and stuff, which yes, can sometimes be mean (I mean, is it "nice" to put someones keys in Jello? No, but it sure is funny), it doesn't mean we need to sit around and berate them for their hyperbole. I'm not saying agree but lets let the personal fighting go.

 

[GasBandit]

I do think it's possible to post funny stories of jokingly torturing and pranking co-workers, etc (ala jim and Dwight in the office which is what I assumed the thread would be about) without being dicks to each other though. Lay off the insults and stuff Gas. Or the thread goes away faster than those tv's I clicked off right before the dude in the tights kicked the ball to the other dudes in tights.

Hey, THEY came into MY thread, and called me a "fuck," and a "prick," and a whole lot of other implied insults as well. Don't come down solely on me for responding in kind. If anything, I've been almost genteel by the standards of this forum. THEY have the ability to not come in this thread, now that they know what it's about. Heck, last I checked, they had the ability to ignore every post by me with a click of a mouse. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here. Ok, I am a bad guy, but I'm not in the wrong here.

Boy, I'm glad I don't need to treat other people like shit just to feel better about myself.

I feel sorry for you, GB. Can't imagine the kind of buried issues you have about yourself.

I'm sure there's a great deal you can't imagine, and the day I listen to you about "issues" is the day I start listening to bums critique my investment strategy.

You don't want to pick a word fight with me, Nick. I can say things that will make you shut yourself away from the world for weeks.

 

[Null]

 

[Espy]

Good point.

Let me make it clear then. It appears people can't talk about this without getting angry and fighting. This is why we can't have nice things.

Sorry.

 

[Gusto]