I am left a broken woman.
I'm sorry, but I can't help but smile about this. Hopefully you too will see the humor eventually...
Regarding the training to stay in bed, we tried many things, but the one thing that seems to work best for us when they are around 3 is simply holding them so they can't move much. It only takes 10-30 seconds of not being able to move their arms or legs (one hand holding the wrists, and one on their knees while they are lying on their back, or while in your lap) for them to feel very uncomfortable. I'd hold them just barely enough so they couldn't free themselves. If they didn't struggle, it wasn't more than merely holding hands, but if they tried to move away I would hold a little more so they couldn't.
It's the worst corporeal punishment I've ever had to give - timeouts and taking away privileges work for most everything, but staying in bed was already a kind of time out in their mind anyway, and a quick reminder that things could be worse was enough. Have not yet felt the need to do spanking, or anything more physically uncomfortable. I don't recall having to hold more than a handful of times for even my most difficult child.
Usually it was enough to hang out outside the room (out of view) and when hearing them get up telling them to go back to bed. Good time to catch up on words with friends. But when they make a game of it and deliberately disobey they got a few dozen seconds of not being able to do much more than wriggle.
On the other hand most of our kids could be reasoned with about 2 years old and up, and it seems like that might not be the case with most 2 and 3 year olds. By the time they're four time outs and taking away toys and treats works very well, even if they aren't willing to listen.
On the other other hand, according to accounts of others watching us parent, we're very easy going and let our kids have a loooong leash, so to speak, so it may well be that we simply have lower standards for children's behavior. We literally don't have anything within reach of the kids that we would be sad to lose if they chose to break it. They might still get punished on principle, but if it's important it's not something they can even get to.
On the other other other hand one thing we don't put up with is whining and temper tantrums. We pretty much ignore those behaviors and don't pay much attention to them unless they use words to express their issues. Unless they're obviously hurt, then, you know, we might pay a little more attention, you know, once America's Got Talent is done.
I dunno. Either way, I'm laughing with you - you just aren't laughing yet. Just be glad it wasn't house paint (yeah... have to act pretty quick for that, and we still didn't manage to get all of it before it set on objects where we couldn't use solvent).
And don't trust your kid further than you can hear him...