Actual Conversations With Your Friends

[Calleja]

We all have funny and whimsical conversations with our friends we chuckle about in retrospect... this is the place to share them!

I'll start with something that had me giggling when I showered, it happened last weekend.

(translated from Spanish)

*An awesome Santana song comes up, and after a particularly face-melting guitar solo:*
Me: I'd give BOTH my hands to be able to play like Carlos here *plays air guitar*
Friend 1: How would you play it without hands, though?
Me: ....uh. With my FEET and my TEETH! I'd be a combination of Hendrix and that chick that wrote with her feet. *tries to play mouth+foot air guitar*
Friend 2: You wouldn't be able to jack off, though.
Female Friend 1: Why is everything about masturbation with you, Friend 2?
Friend 3: The man does make a rather good point, though. Would you really give up the ability to please yourself for the ability to play guitar?
Friend 1: I wouldn't.
Me: Dudes, I'd be playing at Santana level. Every time I felt like masturbating I'd just summon a cute groupie and get a blow job instead. Duh.
Female Friend 1: Oh, yeah, very sexy.
Friend 1 to his Girlfriend: Would YOU blow a guy with no hands?
F1's GF: If he could play like Carlos Santana? Hell yeah.
Me: SEE?!
Friend 2: ...I really need to learn how to play an instrument.
Friend 1: Personally, I'm more concerned about the fact that my Girlfriend just implied she'd blow Calleja.
Me: *winks at her*
F1's GF: Don't worry, he'd need how to play guitar like Santana first.
FemaleF1: Yeah, without hands. And that's not gonna happen, he's too busy trying to get blow jobs to learn guitar, let alone play that good.
Me: Yeah, I wanna change the subject now, I can feel the tide changing against me.
Friend 2, suddenly: What do you mean everything's about masturbation with me!?

 

[Cajungal]

My brother and I were hanging out, and he put on an Avril Lavigne video from youtube. That's his thing. He takes songs I know I hate and plays them while we drink/play video games together... he's such an ass.

So I'm listening and:

Me: What's the deal with her? Who could possibly, honestly enjoy this?

Trey: Dunno. *turns it up*

Me: She looks like something Hot Topic threw up.

Trey: Don't be kind. Avril Lavigne is Hot Topic mung.

 

Friends? :tumbleweed:

 

[Cajungal]

Dude.

*hug*

 

[doomdragon6]

I like being a jackass sometimes, so this convo came up, but my friend laughed his ass off at it.

[Sitting at waffle house]

Me: How's yer omelette?
Friend: S'alright, I mean, it's Waffle House.
Me: Yeh.
Friend: You know how to make the perfect omelette?
Me: Howzat?
Friend: Well see, what I used to do was, I'd take the egg and break it into a little baggie, and y'know, put whatever you want inside the omelette. Then you boil some water, and while it's boiling, lower the bag into the water and let it sit for a while. After a bit it'll cook and have everything perfectly inside it. Fluffiest damn omelette I ever ate.
Me: Huh...

Like 10 minutes later, talking about waffles now-

Friend: So how do you like to make waffles? Do you have a waffle press or you just put Egos in the toaster?
Me: Well see, I don't know about you- But me? See what I used to do was, I'd put the waffles in a bag, right?
Friend: ...
Me: And then I'd lower them into boiling water. And it cooked them.
Friend: Uh..
Me: Fluffiest damn waffles I ever ate.
Friend: *sits there for a minute and then busts out laughing* That was great, man.

 

[CynicismKills]

I had a good 15 minute conversation about how Stephen Hawking would be the worst zombie ever. He'd get stuck on one button so you'd always know he's coming by the quiet, squeaky whirring and the "bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb." Also once he went down some stairs it would be game over.

 

[Calleja]

That was awesome, doomdragon

You need to dialogue it out, CK, that sounds like an awesome convo.

 

[crono1224]

Guess you had to be there . These seem to be on par with stories about dreams .

 

[Laurelai]

During a lull at the station... this is a fine example of the conversations we have.

Lt Ok- so if we're starving to death, and I'm your leader, I'll sacrifice myself and you guys can eat me- but you gotta pick in order of seniority which part you get.
Fire medic(FM) 1 Hmmmm- are you left or right handed?
Lt Right
FM 1 ok- I'll pick your right leg then- lots of meat there
FM 2 ok- I'll take the left leg then- can't be that much difference
FM 3 (me) oh oh! I'll take the back! I get the back!
Lt smiling and nodding with approval You know how to eat a man! station laughing You get the back-strap then!
EMT on overtime Well shit- guess that leaves me with the arms and asshole.
MeWell, you could always eat [Sick Guy], he's not here to defend himself.
EMTEeeeeww- no way- he looks too sickly- no way in hell I'd eat him- my cholesterol would shoot through the roof. I'll stick with what I got...

Yes. This is what we talk about around the station.

 

[Calleja]

Another one:

Me: Oh, hey, is (name of girl) coming this weekend, after all?
Friend: No, she had to work.
Me: DAMMIT! I'm starting to believe this girl is a myth, man. Like the Loch Ness Monster... or the female orgasm.
Female Friend: ...
Me: ....what?
FF: Nothing... that explains a lot, actually.
Me: I can never tell when you're kidding with you.
Friend: This girl is real and has orgasms, believe me.
Me: ..... um, dude, pointing out your lovely girlfriend is right HERE *points to her*, how the HELL do you know that?
F's Girlfriend: Oh, we've heard her. When she stayed at my house one weekend, her boyfriend came over...
Friend: Yeah. A screamer, that one.
Me: ...... niiiiice. So when *IS* she comin---wait, BOYFRIEND?
F's GF: They've broken up since.
Me: Hell yeah. But seriously, when is she coming over? I've seen her in person ONCE, we hit it off, and then haven't seen each other for like 4 months now.
Friend: It's cause you're ugly. She keeps making excuses up not to see you even though (girlfriend's name) keeps insisting on setting you two up. But she doesn't want to. Cause you're ugly.
Me: Whatever, your girlfriend still wants to blow me.
F's GF: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP SAYING THAT!?
Me: ....when you make this girl come over!! She's YOUR friend!
F's GF: She really does want to see you again, but she's busy, you'll see her soon enough.
Me: ...wait, what did she say, she wants to see me?
Friend: No. She says you're ugly and never wants to see you again. Cause you are. Ugly.
Me: ..... whatever, your girlfriend still wants to blow me.



yes, I was kidding about the female orgasm being a myth.

 

[@Li3n]

My current see therm more then once every 3-4 weeks friends wouldn't be able to handle conversations like that... and my old friends i barely see anymore would just start making retarded masturbation jokes.... so i got nothing...

 

[HCGLNS]

Dave: "Hugh."
Me: "Yeah?"
Dave: "Your hairs on fire."
Me: "Pass me that water please."

 

[Calleja]

(this just happened over IM)

Friend: Hey, bring over my Wolverine game tonight, I'm taking it to Mexico City. In fact, would you mind looking after my apartment while I'm gone?
Me: I WILL NOT FEED THAT MONSTER YOU CALL A PET!
Friend: No, Tenazas (that's his goddamn scorpion's name, it means "claws") feeds himself. Just come over a couple of nights so they see activity and movement and stuff.
Me: ....oooh, I need to find myself a date. House all to myself! Hell Yeah!
Friend: ....please don't leave condom wrappers on my bed again.
Me: (laughing my ass off) That was ONE time!
Friend: Whatever, I still woke up with it sticking to my arm. I hate you.
Me: At least it wasn't the actual condom.
Friend: ...No, we would not still be friends if you had left an actual used condom on my bed. I'm taking my Xbox, too.
Me: GORRAM YOU! Fine, I'll take mine when I go over.
Friend: Ha. But bring my Wolverine game today, don't forget.
Me: Yeah.
Friend: And a g-string, sexy. (winking emoticon)
Me: It's Thursday. I always wear a g-string on Thursdays.
Friend: Woohoo!

 

[WolfOfOdin]

In class once during regular college.

Girl: See, you can't disprove God. No one can or has ever been able to. Therefore, if you make an argument to that nature, it's already moot and I've already won.

Me, finally snapping: Well miss, you've just done something theologians and philosophers haven't been able to do for thousands of years.

Girl: Oh?

Me: You've just proven God doesn't exist. Because if He did, and he was a loving God like you said, He would have struck me deaf so I wouldn't have to hear the verbal garbage that spills from your mouth.

 

[BananaHands]

I'm just waiting for ElJuski to put up one of our conversations. But here's me and ElJuski at a party:

ElJuski: I'm turning over a new leaf.
Me: Why?
ElJuski: Uh, that whole Beer Staff thing?
Me: Look, if there's one thing you should know, when it comes to girls in college, you don't respect them. They want random flings as much as we do. Just because you get drunk and slept with a girl doesn't mean you call the whole thing off! Che! Do you respect girls in college?
Che (Guy sitting next to ElJuski): No.
Me: See?
ElJuski: That's horrible!
Me: No, you don't respect guys in college either. It's a bunch of people who you shouldn't have respect for all jumping at eachother. It's life.

<Ten minutes later I head to the bathroom, open the door and ElJuski is making out with a girl, she leaves. ElJuski stares at me.>

ElJuski: You cockblocked me!

 

[Calleja]

You SO cockblocked him.

Bastard.

 

I have a DnD game with a bunch of friends and we routinely sit around and bust each other's chops. We've had several memorable hits.

1st one.
Our DM is a rather large fellow and we tend to give him grief because of that quite often. This was the best one ever:
DM: "I took my son to the beach last weekend. He saw the ocean for the first time and played in the sand, it was a lot of fun"
Host, from across the living room: "Did Greenpeace show up and try to drag you back out to sea?"
US:


2nd one.
We're all guys. So, we were admiring the screensaver of one of our host's computers that was nothing but nude women.
Friend1: "...wow, she's hot. I wish my wife looked like that!"
Friend2: "What? At least you get to see real boobs, I'm in a dry spell."
Friend1: "You idiot, I'm married! I don't get to see her boobs!"
Friend3: "You DO get to squeeze them, though."
Me: "Yeah, but then you'd have to wait for her to fall asleep first."
Friend1: "The sad part is, you're right."

 

[Calleja]

The minute my wife cuts the supplies to boob town for no good reason is the minute I get a divorce.

I mean, come on, I get to see only one pair for the rest of my freaking life and she cuts the supply!? Hell no!



I'm gonna have to marry a nympho, aren't I?

 

[Gurpel]

i don't remember the exact conversation, but apparently most of my friends dont think it would be gay if you went back in time and had sex with yourself. :bush:

 

[Pojodan]

Any woman that refuses to let their husband touch them has no right to complain when he cheats on her.

 

[lafftaff]

I don't have to converse with my mother to get her to say weird things, she spouts them voluntarily

Mother: Look at this new bra I bought, it's super cute! *proceeds to flash me*
Me:

While watching a trojan commercial, it which hands mime how to put on a condom:
Mother: Gosh, that'd have to be a huge penis that condom went on. I wouldn't let one that big come anywhere near me, you know what I mean?
Me:

 

[CrimsonSoul]

Me and a friend were leaving Kroger (grocery store) one night back when I was in highschool or had just graduated one or the other. Some random person got out of their car.

Me: Hi!
Stranger: Hi... do I know you?
Me: Nope can I have a hug?
Stranger: Sure!
*me gives hugs then proceeds to dry hump on the roof of her car*
Stranger: So can I have your number?
Me: Sure *gives it to her*

years later
OMG That chick was scary and I'm glad I finally lost her!

 

[HCGLNS]

Not so much a conversation, but my best friend and I once communicated for almost a week exclusively through gutural eating noices, now known as "nom nom nom"'s.

 

[Calleja]

Me and a friend were leaving Kroger (grocery store) one night back when I was in highschool or had just graduated one or the other. Some random person got out of their car.

Me: Hi!
Stranger: Hi... do I know you?
Me: Nope can I have a hug?
Stranger: Sure!
*me gives hugs then proceeds to dry hump on the roof of her car*
Stranger: So can I have your number?
Me: Sure *gives it to her*

years later
OMG That chick was scary and I'm glad I finally lost her!

......you're acting very, very weird today, dude.

 

[CrimsonSoul]

I'm very strange IRL that was just an old thing there, I randomly ask people for hugs I've never seen.

 

[Calleja]

..and you dry hump them and get asked for your number?

 

[CrimsonSoul]

That's not normal that was a one time thing, I learned that when you pick up girls that way they are scary and try to whack you off in the movie theatre.. she didn't look that good I guess that's why she scared me.. that and I think she could beat me up.

 

[Calleja]

...getting whacked off OR blown in the movie theater is awesome.... how DARE you :angry:

 

[CrimsonSoul]

You had to be there, calleja even YOU would have said no to that. I ahve been whacked off at the movies before by my wife never a BJ though.

 

[Calleja]

Thank YKK for zippers!

 

[CrimsonSoul]

Oh best thing ever is friggin' road head jesus that's nice when you're going down the highway

 

[Calleja]

I'm not a fan of road head, it makes me nervous and I feel like I'm gonna crash and she's gonna bite down.

 

[Batdan]

Oh best thing ever is friggin' road head jesus that's nice when you're going down the highway

Too many of my friends have had accidents because of that (one even hit a telephone pole). I'm keeping zipped while driving.

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

I had a good 15 minute conversation about how Stephen Hawking would be the worst zombie ever. He'd get stuck on one button so you'd always know he's coming by the quiet, squeaky whirring and the "bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb." Also once he went down some stairs it would be game over.

I had a conversation one night with my husband about how Stephen Hawking gets all kinds of hot chicks, hunts zombies in his Transformer wheelchair, and makes fun of Neil deGrasse Tyson for being a tool.

 

[Bowielee]

i don't remember the exact conversation, but apparently most of my friends dont think it would be gay if you went back in time and had sex with yourself. :bush:

It wouldn't be gay, it's technically masturbation.