Cajungal said:
I understand that most people feel attraction for others even when they're in a monogamous relationship. I have no problem admitting that even the temptation of cheating is normal. But if I were a guy I'd find this highly insulting.
Funny, I read about this a few days ago and almost posted something. If people in a committed relationship do the whole open marriage thing, it doesn't effect me. I couldn't see myself being ok with it, and I think that in the end it can amount to nothing more than rationalization and insecurity. Maybe it works for some, but I've seen cases of people just doing whatever they can to keep someone around, no matter how much it hurts them. I don't care how tough or open-minded you are, I have a hard time believing most people wouldn't feel horrible with the thought it their head that they're not enough.
I think you hit it on the head.
Back in the "old" days, multiple wives is ok, but in our current time and in most countries, people believe in monogamy. You (the general you) took a vow under law, god, gods, whatever you believe in, to cherish this one person you want to be for the rest of your life (at least that is the idea) so, once that promise is made, why cheat with another person? I do believe it is part of insecurity, but I believe some of the Forumites agree that is all boils down to communication.
Personally, marriage is a serious thing. If you think you want to cheat, why even be married?
Let me hit a few points in both CG's and Chibi's posts. I've known and been friends with a lot of alternative livestyles folks from cross-dressers to homosexuals, to BDSM aficionados to swingers. So, perhaps I have a unique point of view to share (though I can guess at that there are at least a couple other posters who could chime in if they chose).
From CG's post: I agree, most people might have a hard time with an open lifestyle. On the other hand, some people seem to handle it just fine. Those people tend to not fell into the mindset of equating sex with "being enough". I've known a number of swingers in my time, and I've never really known known any of them who thought their partners were 'inadequate' in any way. It's a different mindset when it comes to sexual relations, and people who equate sex, love, fidelity, desire and self worth all in one package tend to have a hard time wrapping their minds around it. There are a lot more kids today willing to do the whole "friends with benefits" thing than when I was a kid, but that mindset is closer to the mindset of someone with an open relationship--having a FWB really doesn't have much to do with love and romantic feelings. It's more about spontaneous fun with someone you like.
Are there folks who have relationship problems in open relationships? Naturally...same as there are folks who have relationship problems in all kinds of relationships. Do some people find that open relationships are not for them and cause them emotional upheavals? Undoubtedly. But there undeniably some people whose relationships thrive in that environment as well, though admittedly a small number.
From Chibi's post: Not everyone takes those Christian vows. And not everyone equates sex with love. If two people agree to be more sexually open than is considered mainstream, and it's something both people agree on, how is this "cheating? Both people are working within the rules of the relationship as they have defined it. To them, the marriage is more about loving and supporting each other and less about jealously standing guard over their partner's genitalia.
I know a couple that got married a couple of months before we did, and they swing. From all indications they're a very loving and devoted couple. They just happen to have a bit of open morality when it comes to sex. I could not imagine her leaving her husband, or him leaving her. They've supported each other emotionally through some pretty rough times, and except for this one aspect of their lives, they're seem to be a pretty normal family, they have some great kids, and seem to be getting along just fine in their lives.
This is why I take a pretty tolerant view on alternative sex practices...if what you're doing doesn't harm me or anyone else, who the hell am I to tell you that you're doing it wrong? I don't care if you're gay, wear women's underwear under your $3000 suit to board meetings, or buy big rubber dildos in the shape of animal penises (and yes, they exist). I don't care if you like to wear diapers and have a 'mommy' clean you up and put you in a giant crib. I don't care if you wear bunny costumes with a flap in the crotch for erotic access. I don't care if you dress in latex and your wife enjoys kneeling down to kiss your high leather boots. I simply just don't care.
I am uninterested and turned off by a great many things people do in the various alternate lifestyles categories, but you know what? I just don't do those things. If they make you happy, more power to ya. I'll be the last guy to bring down moral judgment on you for it.
(and to be clear, I originally started off replying to some points in CG's and Chibi's posts, but my soapboxing is in no way directed at them)
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). If someone considers their open relationship to be healthy and they are truly happy, then that is great for them. For the people who aren't rationalizing or making a really unrealistic compromise, I'm sure it feels like a very deep form of trust. You have to trust every day that this person to whom you are committed is still going to go home with you, no matter how many other people are involved. That ain't for me... at least not at this point in my life. Who knows what the future will bring. But for now... noo thank you. You seem to have a lot more positive examples of this lifestyle. I'd be interested in meeting a couple that is happy in that kind of relationship. Maybe then the thought of it would make me less uncomfortable.
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