Putin: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The RNC does not respond.)
Putin: 'Ello, Miss?
RNC: What do you mean "miss"?
Putin: (pause) I'm sorry, I have covid. I wish to make a complaint!
RNC: We're closin' for lunch.
Putin: Nyet. I wish to complain about this president what I purchased not 4 years ago from this very boutique.
RNC: Oh yes, the, uh, the American Orange...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Putin: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
RNC: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Putin: Look, matey, I know a dead president when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
RNC: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable politician, the American Orange, idn'it, ay? Beautiful magahats!
Putin: The magahats don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
RNC: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Putin: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Donnie President! I've got a lovely fresh McFish for you if you show...
(RNC hits the cage)
RNC: There, he moved!
Putin: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
RNC: I never!!
Putin: Yes, you did!
RNC: I never, never did anything...
Putin: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Donnie!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes president out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Putin: Now that's what I call a dead president.
RNC: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Putin: STUNNED?!?
RNC: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! American Oranges stun easily, major.
Putin: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That president is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not four years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
RNC: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Ivanka.
Putin: PININ' for IVANKA?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
RNC: The American Orange prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable politician, id'nit, squire? Lovely magahats!
Putin: Look, I took the liberty of examining that president when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
RNC: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that boy down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Putin: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this politican wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
RNC: No no! 'E's pining!
Putin: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This president is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!!
(pause)
RNC: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of presidents.
Putin: I see. I see, I get the picture.
RNC: (pause) I got a senator.
(pause)
Putin: Pray, does it talk?
RNC: Nnnnot really.
Putin: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?