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You may remember the difficulties I was having last month with a girl (my manbawwww thread). Anyways, she and I still haven't interacted since the argument. You know, THE argument. The new semester started on Monday and we'd crossed paths three times without saying a word to each other. I'd pretty much accepted that it was over and was beginning to move on.

Then I found out from a mutual friend that the girl might be badly affected. She's stressed and frustrated as hell. Her last relationship was borderline abusive and she was probably afraid of getting close to a guy again. I had probably spooked her by getting closer and she might have picked the fight to see if I'd scream and rant at her like the last guy did. She likely feels guilty about the whole thing and is just too scared to make a move. As for having my Facebook blocked, that was probably because she didn't want to see the photos I'd tagged her in because it hurt. My friend said she'd try to validate the info (girls are always volunteering to feed me intel even though I never ask) and let me know for sure.

Then another mutual friend invited a group of us out for coffee today. The girl arrived a bit late because of a meeting but didn't have a problem sitting next to me (yeah, it was the only seat left but that's beside the point, since she could've elected to just sit at another table). We greeted each other and hung out with the group. Although we didn't actually talk directly to each other, we both weighed in on other conversations without any awkwardness. Then I had to leave for class and we said goodbye. There was no hostility or wariness.

What the hell just happened? I guess I'm a little hopeful, still a little upset, and way confused. "Bewildered" doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now.

If I had to guess, both of you are "testing the water" to see if it's possible to work things out. First thing you both tried was being civil to each other in public.

You could either continue down this path, slowly rebuilding the rapport you had before, or you could try to speed things up by having an open and honest conversation with her regarding your hopes, fears and needs. The second option runs a higher risk of scaring her off again, the first option runs the risk of someone else swooping in.

I'd probably also wait for the female friend to bring back more information first, too.

Umm... lemme get this straight: she picked a fight with you just to see if you'd go and feed her a knuckle sandwich?

Goddammit, women... *walks off muttering*

I don't mean to disrespect any of the female forumites and the female friends who are helping me out but... "Women are irrational, that's all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags. They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!"

And this is why it was a mistake to give women brains, you heard me God?!

@Li3n said:

And this is why it was a mistake to give women brains, you heard me God?!

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Nobody has a problem with woman having brains, I think we'd all be happier if he had included an instruction manual and perhaps a tutorial level first.

mr_thehun said:

tutorial levels occur in high school

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And they make you realise that it's easier to just button-mash your way through the game proper...

Nobody has a problem with woman having brains,

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Then what the heck was the suffragette movement about?! :hmmm:

@Li3n;329111][QUOTE=mr_thehun said:

Nobody has a problem with woman having brains,

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Then what the heck was the suffragette movement about?! :hmmm:[/QUOTE]

It's not that they didn't want them to HAVE brains... they just didn't want them to USE them!

This thread should end well.

I, too, hate women

I think I'll just shut up in the future... It seems like everything I say gets turned into a weird, unnatural aberration of my original intent.

Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.

Tinwhistler said:

Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.

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Before I was married, all situations where I met up with one of my ex's usually ended up with cooking them breakfast in the morning... Damn my irresistible hair and charm! Well, at least I still have my charm... Oh shi....

There it is, right there.

Tinwhistler said:

Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.

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The Whistler speaks the truth.

Tinwhistler said:

Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.

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true, but also this particular girl has some bad history with men, she is just testing the water to see and since the guy "pass" she is not sure what to do next.

I dunno, Chibibar...that sounds a little far-fetched to me. Something that happens more in movies than in real life.

But if she really did break up with him, refuse to talk to him, and block him on face book just to see how he'd take it, I'd say he's better off without a psycho like that.

Yep. Sounds like she's still pretty damaged from the previous relationship. She might need counseling or something. Try not to feel angry with her, because it's really hard to come back from that perfectly sane. How long did y'all go out? I forget... If y'all were long term and she didn't tell you that, it's probably really hard for her to trust. I feel bad for her. Be glad that you're a strong and well-adjusted person.

Trust me, there's nothing worse than being with someone out of sympathy and nothing else. Been there, done that

And this is why we should date robots.

In all seriousness, I'm going to throw in my lot with Cajungal and agree with her. Whenever you meet someone who hurt you in person, you're going to try your absolute best to seem strong and fine. Wait patiently, be calm and don't expect anything good or bad.

Tinwhistler said:

I dunno, Chibibar...that sounds a little far-fetched to me. Something that happens more in movies than in real life.

But if she really did break up with him, refuse to talk to him, and block him on face book just to see how he'd take it, I'd say he's better off without a psycho like that.

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well, If he doesn't love her back. Each person has a different level of psychological issues (some more so than others) and it all depends how you "hurdle" those obstacles. She might be a total sweetheart after "fixing" her distrust toward men. Of course it will only work if they have feelings for each other, but if we are too quick to discard and don't want to work at it, then maybe it is for the best, but if there are feelings and love there, then it might be worth salvaging.

I see this as a positive sign. Stay the course and it'll either happen or it won't. As to the female psychology, who knows what has been done to her so that she acts the way she does. Not every woman is crazy, not every man is sane. If she truly was in an abusive relationship before then there's a good chance she has a skewed view of relationships and men in general. It's up to you whether you want to take the time necessary to become someone in her life again. Just beware the friendship ladder and you'll be fine.

Damn it's good to see someone handling things like an adult.

North_Ranger said:

I think I'll just shut up in the future... It seems like everything I say gets turned into a weird, unnatural aberration of my original intent.

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lol

Cajungal said:

Yep. Sounds like she's still pretty damaged from the previous relationship. She might need counseling or something. Try not to feel angry with her, because it's really hard to come back from that perfectly sane. How long did y'all go out? I forget... If y'all were long term and she didn't tell you that, it's probably really hard for her to trust. I feel bad for her. Be glad that you're a strong and well-adjusted person.

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It wasn't long-term. She and I OFFICIALLY went out on just one date (and it was great) but we'd done a lot of one-on-one stuff for more than a month before I asked her out. And we'd been attracted to each other almost from the day we met in August. It was as if we skipped the "colleague" and "acquaintanceship" stages of relationship-building and moved straight on to the "good and interested friend" category in just one day. I am 100% positive about that (her best friend told me too). I remember telling her after Thanksgiving to let me know if she ever felt things were moving too fast. We broke up exactly one week later and agreed to go back to being friends. So I tried to hold it together and act like the friend, but that backfired. Then I walked straight into an ambush as I attempted to drop off her Christmas present. That was the first time I'd cried in six years.

I'm not sure how I feel about becoming romantically involved with her again. If she wants to go on another date, I certainly wouldn't say no. But I could handle it if she never wanted to date again. Losing the friendship upset me more than anything else. I guess I just miss my friend.

She and our mutual friend have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My friend's going to drop my name into a conversation and see what happens. There's also a chance that we'll both be going to karaoke this weekend. If I see her there I'll just hang out and be myself.

IronBrig4 said:

I guess I just miss my friend.

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.

Haha, I also read that in Morgan Freeman's voice.

hahahahahahahahaha

AshburnerX;329115][QUOTE=@Li3n;329111][QUOTE=mr_thehun said:

Nobody has a problem with woman having brains,

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Then what the heck was the suffragette movement about?! :hmmm:[/QUOTE]

It's not that they didn't want them to HAVE brains... they just didn't want them to USE them![/QUOTE]

My solution is safer and more permanent...

Hahaha I haven't seen that movie in years. You people know your obscure quotes.

Seriously though, she was on the verge of tears when we decided to go back to being friends. And when we had that argument she went from alternately yelling at me and looking impassive as I said my bit, to her voice breaking up as I got ready to leave.

Wow, ok, I thought y'all had been dating for a few months or something. Yeah, that's weird. If y'all do become friends again, and if you're comfortable talking about it, you might be able to steer her away from the crazy in future relationships. I still feel bad for her, but all this just seems a tad dramatic. I hope it works out. :\

Cajungal said:

Wow, ok, I thought y'all had been dating for a few months or something. Yeah, that's weird. If y'all do become friends again, and if you're comfortable talking about it, you might be able to steer her away from the crazy in future relationships. I still feel bad for her, but all this just seems a tad dramatic. I hope it works out. :\

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well, it reminds me of a girl that I hang out with and wanted to date. Her past relationship was with "a-hole" men. Treat her bad but good looking. She keeps going after them and keeps getting dumped. I wanted to date her cause she was a nice friend. Since she had dated "bad" men, she devise a test, kinda like a Q/A type and score on her "chart" well.. I did pretty well, but she think such a person doesn't exist and kinda left me for good (later she said cause she was "afraid" of a good thing, but by then I was dating my wife at the time)

I think that some "broken" women may have some strange quirks cause that is the only avenue they know. The OP sounds like a nice guy that she haven't encounter before and of course.... freaked out cause it is out of the "normal" realm for her.

IronBrig4 said:

Hahaha I haven't seen that movie in years. You people know your obscure quotes.

Seriously though, she was on the verge of tears when we decided to go back to being friends. And when we had that argument she went from alternately yelling at me and looking impassive as I said my bit, to her voice breaking up as I got ready to leave.

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Hookers are a man's beessstt frriiieend!

Props to you for even being able to be around her without wanting to slowly lower into a vat of acid.

All I know from my interactions with women who "test you". It never ends. Just cause you pass one test, doesn't mean that was the "final".

Shegokigo said:

Props to you for even being able to be around her without wanting to slowly lower into a vat of acid.

All I know from my interactions with women who "test you". It never ends. Just cause you pass one test, doesn't mean that was the "final".

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This.

I'll probably know all the info early next week. If she was testing me I'll forgive her once. And I mean ONCE. I'll let her know in no uncertain terms that it can never happen again. Of course, this is assuming she really was testing me. Otherwise it's useless to speculate because I'll probably feel bad if I cut her down here.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but if that's the way she is, I'd prepare for more tests. It almost never ends with one.

Regardless, I'll find out more probably by Tuesday (Monday is a holiday). I only have an inkling of what her ex did to her; once he barged into her office when people were around and started screaming at her. That's the only incident she's ever told me about. If that is just one example of his boorishness, he must've been traumatizing.

Yeah. :\ I'm related to a couple of women who survived horribly abusive situations, and it's really hard to recover from completely. I know this has been a trying time for you, but I'm glad you seem willing to work to keep the friendship at least. People who have been through that need to learn to be strong and to trust again, and that can only be done with a strong support system. So I really hope y'all can reconcile somehow and be more than simply civil.

I think you need to test HER.

Create a series of riddles, the answers to which be locations in the surrounding area and with it the next riddle in the series, with the promise of treasure at the end. Finally the last one will lead her here where I'll answer the door and tell her that people don't like being tested like that.

Or a history of Russia exam.

Ask her what she's got in her pockets.

1: Walk up to her tomarrow.

2: Ask "When you gonna let me hit that?"

3: ???

4: Profit

It's When you gonna let me tap that!

@Li3n said:

It's When you gonna let me tap that!

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Shego doesn't tap. She hits.

She also doesn't ask for permission...

From what I have read I'd suggest you move along. You only went on one date, you weren't in a serious relationship, and things took this course due to her having a bad relationship previously. It's recipe for repeated incidents like this, IMO. These "tests" will be her way of having control in the relationship until she can get a handle on her past experience. Good luck .

Wildsoul said:

From what I have read I'd suggest you move along. You only went on one date, you weren't in a serious relationship, and things took this course due to her having a bad relationship previously. It's recipe for repeated incidents like this, IMO. These "tests" will be her way of having control in the relationship until she can get a handle on her past experience. Good luck .

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Wow... déjà vu. Reminds me of the Psycho Bitch Queen and how she used to act like I owed her to let her have her way because her bastard of an ex hadn't. This is why I cringe at these "tests" and stories about "emotional baggage" from previous relationships and such.

tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you science

I should also add that I'm thinking about transferring out of Hawaii. It's not a final decision by any means but just a very tentative possibility. I still have an invite from Texas A&M for the Fall 2010 semester. The program there is just as good. More importantly, the funding's better so I'm more likely to get an assistantship. The cost of living is also just a fraction of what it is here. No, the difficulties between me and her aren't playing a role in this decision. I only started thinking about this a few days ago, when I heard that my department's budget was going to be cut AGAIN, even after the faculty took a huge pay cut. I'd much rather not have to take out $20k in loans every year for the next several years as the state and UH go bankrupt.

That same female friend has suggested I wait for a couple weeks just to to let the girl settle into the semester. If things haven't improved by the end of the month, I should tell her that. It might be the kick in the butt she needs to finally start burying the hatchet.

Yes, because using guilt to get her to start acting how you want her to makes you such a great person.

Why would you care about burying the hatchet if you're leaving?

It's okay to leave on bad terms if you're never gonna see her again. Totally peachy, in fact.

I have not decided to transfer out yet and I'm not leaving right NOW. There's a lot of variables to consider and I've got professors to meet with. Even IF I leave it won't be until the summer. And I'd prefer to settle the matter sooner rather than later because it'll be ridiculous to spend the semester in this state.

And if I left I'd probably see her again because A&M is not only her alma mater but is also close to her home. Before you get any ideas I must inform you that I applied for A&M in the winter of 2008, almost a year before I even met the girl.

@ Ashburner - You don't know? Guilt is one of the primary weapons in Good's arsenal.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0068.html

Besides, it's not guilt. It's just an announcement that I might not be around for long and that if we're gonna reconcile it should be soon. Guilt would be something like "I'm leaving because you don't like me anymore."

No, it's not guilt. It's kind of like a "goodbye post" on a message board. It's a way to get attention.

Yes, and if she does indeed feel bad about overreacting and breaking things off, it would be a clear signal to her that it's a good opportunity to make amends.

Sounds like you two are just right for each other.

Huh? It's not my idea. That mutual friend of ours suggested it.

I think the responses are toward you reaction towards it.

Yep.

Emotionally abusive to psychologically manipulative.

I feel like you're new to relationships; these are common newbie relationship errors of judgment I see in your posts, and it might be best for the rest of us to let you crash and burn, learn the hard way, than coming after you about it.

I changed the wording so it doesn't sound so dickish.

And yes, both she and I are quite new to relationships. I made mistakes, but that's exactly what they were: MISTAKES. They were accidents that were committed completely unintentionally, and usually with the aim of trying to make things better. What she did was deliberate.

That said, I'll just wait to hear from our friend. In the meantime I'm continuing to keep my distance. If I happen to find her at the same event I'll just hang out like normal and be myself.

IronBrig4 said:

I'll probably know all the info early next week. If she was testing me I'll forgive her once. And I mean ONCE. I'll let her know in no uncertain terms that it can never happen again. Of course, this is assuming she really was testing me. Otherwise it's useless to speculate because I'll probably feel bad if I cut her down here.

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The only thing you can be certain to change is yourself. You can make the suggestion of change to others but they will not change unless they see the need. People will walk in and out of your life. It is the foot prints left behind that matter more than the relationships themselves. You can choose what you feel is acceptable, but you cannot make compromises on what you see and what you do to accommodate everyone. Live your life as if every day is your last. You can choose to fret over what is and what may be, but if she feels the need to have you in her life then she will seek you out.

This is a round about way of saying "let her go, if she doesn't come back then she was never yours to begin with". However it doesn't change the fact that worrying about the situation isn't going to change it. Worry about the important things and everything else will fall into place.

It really takes about six months to begin to see someone's true colors. If what you described is true then you may be better off with out her in the long run anyway. Don't promise to be there for her, don't promise terms for a relationship (romantic or friendly), just be and let her decide what is important to her. Because when it comes down to it, there is only one person you see when you look in any mirror and that is the person you have to live with.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Thank you for questioning my judgment when it needed to be questioned. More importantly, thank you for listening. You've all given me a lot to think about. I'll let you know how it works out.

And no, I'm not going to be psychologically manipulative with her and I haven't been.

Wait, so this thread (and the manbaww) thread are about a relationship that lasted a week or two and then devolved into some kind of cat and mouse test, extremely optimistically speaking?

I have to +349028490 the whole "this test is just the first in a series that will get increasingly worse" thought. IF that's even the case. As someone else said, that's too far fetched.

Suck it up and quit trying for it...there are enough red flags that people have covered in both threads. Successful relationships are going to be much smoother, and not hit the rocks after the first week.

Hold'n a sec, J... isn't that an FLCL avatar?

Everyone else, please continue.

KCWM said:

Wait, so this thread (and the manbaww) thread are about a relationship that lasted a week or two and then devolved into some kind of cat and mouse test, extremely optimistically speaking?

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The actual romantic relationship didn't last long, but she and I had been good friends for several months before that. The friendship is what I'm really trying to get back. If what I heard from my friend is true, then she wants to make up as well but is too scared to make the move herself.

But anyways, I'll know more about the situation next week. Until then I'm not gonna speculate because that will just drive me nuts.

PS - I really was in the process of moving on when I was suddenly confronted by all that new info.

Why yes it is. How very astute of you, Iaculus. I felt it was very fitting concerning my life style.

The Key of J said:

Why yes it is. How very astute of you, Iaculus. I felt it was very fitting concerning my life style.

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Oh? You surf around on airborne guitars whilst wearing skimpy bunny-outfits too?

Wow, all this scheming and jumping to conclusions. Who's the woman in this relationship? You grab her by the shoulders. Look her deep in the eyes. And say, "Can you scratch my back? And I'm kinda hungry. Can you run over to the kitchen and bake me some pie?"

Chazwozel said:

Wow, all this scheming and jumping to conclusions. Who's the woman in this relationship? You grab her by the shoulders. Look her deep in the eyes. And say, "Can you scratch my back? And I'm kinda hungry. Can you run over to the kitchen and bake me some pie?"

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Has she farted in front of you yet? If she does then you know it's love.

Dave said:

Has she farted in front of you yet? If she does then you know it's love.

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I think so. She was sitting next to another girl so it could've been either of them. When women fart it's enough to kill small animals.

IronBrig4;330285][QUOTE=Dave said:

Has she farted in front of you yet? If she does then you know it's love.

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I think so. She was sitting next to another girl so it could've been either of them. When women fart it's enough to kill small animals.[/QUOTE]

Because men smell like flowers and kittens.

Dave;330308][QUOTE=IronBrig4;330285][QUOTE=Dave said:

Has she farted in front of you yet? If she does then you know it's love.

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I think so. She was sitting next to another girl so it could've been either of them. When women fart it's enough to kill small animals.[/QUOTE]

Because men smell like flowers and kittens.[/QUOTE]

We kill large animals.

One time I ate a roast beef sandwich that I'd found in the back of the fridge. It wasn't moldy but definitely, shall we say, "aged." That triggered some of the most vile farts ever. I felt like Poomba from The Lion King.

Iaculus said:

Oh? You surf around on airborne guitars whilst wearing skimpy bunny-outfits too?

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Only on Tuesdays and the occasional Sunday. I know it goes against Sabbath, but I don't think anyone cares since Tony Iommi only has two full fingers.

I would ask yourself if the drama is worth it. From my personal experience, women that cause a lot of drama don't usually settle down, and act rationally over night. She has flipped out once. She will do it again. I'd stay clear from her. You're obviously still into her. I dig that - it's understandable. Good luck, buddy.

Dave;330308][QUOTE=IronBrig4;330285][QUOTE=Dave said:

Has she farted in front of you yet? If she does then you know it's love.

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I think so. She was sitting next to another girl so it could've been either of them. When women fart it's enough to kill small animals.[/QUOTE]

Because men smell like flowers and kittens.[/QUOTE]

Dude, my farts pale in comparison to my little lady's. That's how I knew she was the one.

!!!!~~~~~~FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ~~~~~~!!!!