I am so confused (relationships)

Status
Not open for further replies.
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

You may remember the difficulties I was having last month with a girl (my manbawwww thread). Anyways, she and I still haven't interacted since the argument. You know, THE argument. The new semester started on Monday and we'd crossed paths three times without saying a word to each other. I'd pretty much accepted that it was over and was beginning to move on.

Then I found out from a mutual friend that the girl might be badly affected. She's stressed and frustrated as hell. Her last relationship was borderline abusive and she was probably afraid of getting close to a guy again. I had probably spooked her by getting closer and she might have picked the fight to see if I'd scream and rant at her like the last guy did. She likely feels guilty about the whole thing and is just too scared to make a move. As for having my Facebook blocked, that was probably because she didn't want to see the photos I'd tagged her in because it hurt. My friend said she'd try to validate the info (girls are always volunteering to feed me intel even though I never ask) and let me know for sure.

Then another mutual friend invited a group of us out for coffee today. The girl arrived a bit late because of a meeting but didn't have a problem sitting next to me (yeah, it was the only seat left but that's beside the point, since she could've elected to just sit at another table). We greeted each other and hung out with the group. Although we didn't actually talk directly to each other, we both weighed in on other conversations without any awkwardness. Then I had to leave for class and we said goodbye. There was no hostility or wariness.

What the hell just happened? I guess I'm a little hopeful, still a little upset, and way confused. "Bewildered" doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now.
 
bhamv3

bhamv3

If I had to guess, both of you are "testing the water" to see if it's possible to work things out. First thing you both tried was being civil to each other in public.

You could either continue down this path, slowly rebuilding the rapport you had before, or you could try to speed things up by having an open and honest conversation with her regarding your hopes, fears and needs. The second option runs a higher risk of scaring her off again, the first option runs the risk of someone else swooping in.

I'd probably also wait for the female friend to bring back more information first, too.
 
North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Staff member
Umm... lemme get this straight: she picked a fight with you just to see if you'd go and feed her a knuckle sandwich?

Goddammit, women... *walks off muttering*
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

I don't mean to disrespect any of the female forumites and the female friends who are helping me out but... "Women are irrational, that's all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags. They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!"
 
C

chakz

@Li3n said:
And this is why it was a mistake to give women brains, you heard me God?!
Click to expand...
Nobody has a problem with woman having brains, I think we'd all be happier if he had included an instruction manual and perhaps a tutorial level first.
 
North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Staff member
I think I'll just shut up in the future... It seems like everything I say gets turned into a weird, unnatural aberration of my original intent.
 
Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.
 
C

Chazwozel

Tinwhistler said:
Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.
Click to expand...
Before I was married, all situations where I met up with one of my ex's usually ended up with cooking them breakfast in the morning... Damn my irresistible hair and charm! Well, at least I still have my charm... Oh shi....
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Tinwhistler said:
Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.
Click to expand...
The Whistler speaks the truth.
 
C

Chibibar

Tinwhistler said:
Another possible explanation for her 'bizarre' behavior: She's trying to move on and interact with you as a mature adult in situations that would normally make her uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, if an ex of mine showed up at some event I was at, what am I supposed to do? Act like a vampire that has had holy water thrown on it, and run screaming from the building?

No, I'm going to go about my business, and if i had to interact with them, I'd try do so in a polite manner.
Click to expand...
true, but also this particular girl has some bad history with men, she is just testing the water to see and since the guy "pass" she is not sure what to do next.
 
Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

I dunno, Chibibar...that sounds a little far-fetched to me. Something that happens more in movies than in real life.

But if she really did break up with him, refuse to talk to him, and block him on face book just to see how he'd take it, I'd say he's better off without a psycho like that.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Yep. Sounds like she's still pretty damaged from the previous relationship. She might need counseling or something. Try not to feel angry with her, because it's really hard to come back from that perfectly sane. How long did y'all go out? I forget... If y'all were long term and she didn't tell you that, it's probably really hard for her to trust. I feel bad for her. Be glad that you're a strong and well-adjusted person.
 
W

WolfOfOdin

And this is why we should date robots.

In all seriousness, I'm going to throw in my lot with Cajungal and agree with her. Whenever you meet someone who hurt you in person, you're going to try your absolute best to seem strong and fine. Wait patiently, be calm and don't expect anything good or bad.
 
C

Chibibar

Tinwhistler said:
I dunno, Chibibar...that sounds a little far-fetched to me. Something that happens more in movies than in real life.

But if she really did break up with him, refuse to talk to him, and block him on face book just to see how he'd take it, I'd say he's better off without a psycho like that.
Click to expand...
well, If he doesn't love her back. Each person has a different level of psychological issues (some more so than others) and it all depends how you "hurdle" those obstacles. She might be a total sweetheart after "fixing" her distrust toward men. Of course it will only work if they have feelings for each other, but if we are too quick to discard and don't want to work at it, then maybe it is for the best, but if there are feelings and love there, then it might be worth salvaging. :)
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
I see this as a positive sign. Stay the course and it'll either happen or it won't. As to the female psychology, who knows what has been done to her so that she acts the way she does. Not every woman is crazy, not every man is sane. If she truly was in an abusive relationship before then there's a good chance she has a skewed view of relationships and men in general. It's up to you whether you want to take the time necessary to become someone in her life again. Just beware the friendship ladder and you'll be fine.

Damn it's good to see someone handling things like an adult.
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

Cajungal said:
Yep. Sounds like she's still pretty damaged from the previous relationship. She might need counseling or something. Try not to feel angry with her, because it's really hard to come back from that perfectly sane. How long did y'all go out? I forget... If y'all were long term and she didn't tell you that, it's probably really hard for her to trust. I feel bad for her. Be glad that you're a strong and well-adjusted person.
Click to expand...
It wasn't long-term. She and I OFFICIALLY went out on just one date (and it was great) but we'd done a lot of one-on-one stuff for more than a month before I asked her out. And we'd been attracted to each other almost from the day we met in August. It was as if we skipped the "colleague" and "acquaintanceship" stages of relationship-building and moved straight on to the "good and interested friend" category in just one day. I am 100% positive about that (her best friend told me too). I remember telling her after Thanksgiving to let me know if she ever felt things were moving too fast. We broke up exactly one week later and agreed to go back to being friends. So I tried to hold it together and act like the friend, but that backfired. Then I walked straight into an ambush as I attempted to drop off her Christmas present. That was the first time I'd cried in six years.

I'm not sure how I feel about becoming romantically involved with her again. If she wants to go on another date, I certainly wouldn't say no. But I could handle it if she never wanted to date again. Losing the friendship upset me more than anything else. I guess I just miss my friend.

She and our mutual friend have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My friend's going to drop my name into a conversation and see what happens. There's also a chance that we'll both be going to karaoke this weekend. If I see her there I'll just hang out and be myself.
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

Hahaha I haven't seen that movie in years. You people know your obscure quotes.

Seriously though, she was on the verge of tears when we decided to go back to being friends. And when we had that argument she went from alternately yelling at me and looking impassive as I said my bit, to her voice breaking up as I got ready to leave.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Wow, ok, I thought y'all had been dating for a few months or something. Yeah, that's weird. If y'all do become friends again, and if you're comfortable talking about it, you might be able to steer her away from the crazy in future relationships. I still feel bad for her, but all this just seems a tad dramatic. I hope it works out. :\
 
C

Chibibar

Cajungal said:
Wow, ok, I thought y'all had been dating for a few months or something. Yeah, that's weird. If y'all do become friends again, and if you're comfortable talking about it, you might be able to steer her away from the crazy in future relationships. I still feel bad for her, but all this just seems a tad dramatic. I hope it works out. :\
Click to expand...
well, it reminds me of a girl that I hang out with and wanted to date. Her past relationship was with "a-hole" men. Treat her bad but good looking. She keeps going after them and keeps getting dumped. I wanted to date her cause she was a nice friend. Since she had dated "bad" men, she devise a test, kinda like a Q/A type and score on her "chart" well.. I did pretty well, but she think such a person doesn't exist and kinda left me for good (later she said cause she was "afraid" of a good thing, but by then I was dating my wife at the time)

I think that some "broken" women may have some strange quirks cause that is the only avenue they know. The OP sounds like a nice guy that she haven't encounter before and of course.... freaked out cause it is out of the "normal" realm for her.
 
C

Chazwozel

IronBrig4 said:
Hahaha I haven't seen that movie in years. You people know your obscure quotes.

Seriously though, she was on the verge of tears when we decided to go back to being friends. And when we had that argument she went from alternately yelling at me and looking impassive as I said my bit, to her voice breaking up as I got ready to leave.
Click to expand...

Hookers are a man's beessstt frriiieend!
 
Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Props to you for even being able to be around her without wanting to slowly lower into a vat of acid.

All I know from my interactions with women who "test you". It never ends. Just cause you pass one test, doesn't mean that was the "final".
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

I'll probably know all the info early next week. If she was testing me I'll forgive her once. And I mean ONCE. I'll let her know in no uncertain terms that it can never happen again. Of course, this is assuming she really was testing me. Otherwise it's useless to speculate because I'll probably feel bad if I cut her down here.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top