[Question] I am so much of a burden, and my partner deserves to know what they fully getting into, right?

[Anonymous]

I've recently started a relationship with a long time friend of mine, and I love him so much, but I'm terrified he'll learn something about me or see something in me that will change his feelings.

I am a really broken human. My boyfriend knows I'm on medication, and that I've been in therapy for a couple years now. He actually was the only person I trusted enough to call when I thought about self harm a few years back. That event and his intervention are the reasons I started my mental health journey. His compassion is one of the things I love about him most. He has never made me feel judged or stupid.

But I'm so scared because I know he's only seen pieces of mental health. I am so much of a burden, and my partner deserves to know what he's fully getting into, right?

Clinically I can tell people that I have Complex PTSD from childhood trauma, high functioning anxiety and head trauma. There are a few other things but they mostly stem from those issues. I am working hard with ongoing therapy to tackle these things, but at times it's a lot. I dissociate, and lose my ability to communicate fully. I withdrawn into the most depressive parts of myself. There are things that I have never shared. Dark recesses of my soul that I have never admitted to anyone, that I can barely think of before I lose myself. I'm terrified that when (or if) I ever address them, I will be too much of a burden.

But he says he loves me. He's loved me through the things I've already shared with him. Somehow he made me feel love through the pain I was feeling. I trust him like I've never trusted anybody. Not family or friends or past relationships. He told me I could tell him anything, but he doesn't know what that entails. People have told me before I was too much. People I trusted and loved were honest with me and told me I was a burden. Almost all those people have also left my life, and I assume it's because they couldn't deal with me anymore.

TLDR: I am a mental wreck that doesn't feel worthy of love, and is looking for advice on how to proceed.

 

[Cheesy1]

Even though this is suppose to be anonymous, your icon was showing on the side of the initial post, so I'll quickly answer here and then edit my answer in so it doesn't show.

Edit with answer:
I know it might be hard to believe with how you're feeling, but I feel the same way with my new girlfriend. I've always felt unworthy of affection because of past relationships and romantic interactions. But something about this woman feels different. She has accepted all of me, flaws and all. She is so empathetic and kind, and she is so reassuring and makes me feel at peace. A big part of me is having trouble accepting this new wonderful feeling because it IS so alien. This feels right though, and I'm willing to step out in fear and risk my feelings to see this through.

Even when he wasn't your lover, he has accepted you as his closest friend for a long time now. And trust me, I think he is probably feeling the same way as you are right now too.
Trust each other, as you have already. You both care about each other deeply, and neither wants to hurt the other because of that. And even if unexpected things do occur, trust that you care about each enough that you will overcome them together. Trust your love more than your fear. I know that's easier said than done (I'm still trying to ingrain this into myself), but I think you two can do it.

 

[GasBandit]

Everybody's worthy of love. I suggest you be open and tell him what's eating you up. I'd be willing to bet he knows where you're coming from and will be really receptive.

 

[Ravenpoe]

If I told someone they loved me and they just believed me without a monumental wave of self doubt and existential dread then I'd wonder why we're even together because clearly they think a lot differently than I do.

We're all broken people, just at different levels of brokenness. But everyone is worth love, even if your own level of brokenness makes that hard to believe, you have to know it's true and that your brain is just lying to you

 

[figmentPez]

I've had chronic health problems since I was a teenager, both physical and mental. I've had two significant romantic relationships in my life, and my health problems caused major problems in both of them. My girlfriends swore up and down they cared about me in spite of my health problems, and they'd stick with me regardless. Both of them ended up saying very hurtful things about my health when we broke up, and cited it as a major reason for leaving me. That really hurt at the time, but in retrospect it was just an easy thing to focus on. Both relationships were flawed in so many other ways, and my health wasn't the cause, it was just the snag that kept the problems from being covered up. There were so many other problems with communication, and insecurity, and immaturity, and so much else; both them and me. My health was just a clickbait headline and not the real story.

You could sit your boyfriend down and explain to him exactly what being in a relationship with you would mean, and all the issues you face, and it's still possible that he wouldn't really understand what it means until he's lived through it. I think that's true of every relationship, though. Even healthy people drive each other up the wall. You probably should talk about your issues at some point, but don't put pressure on yourself to perfectly explain everything, or think that you're spelling out some warning label. How well you explain yourself in one conversation is not going to make or break the relationship, and no matter how well you explain the "care and handing of me" that won't determine your romantic future. A relationship is an ongoing effort, and there are so many other things that will impact your relationship besides your illness. If you communicate with your partner, and keep working at it, then if you're with a right person for you, all the good things about you will be worth more than any troubles you face.

I struggle with this myself, but you are worthwhile to love, and your mental struggles don't change that. These days I don't even bother looking, because I don't want to face the rejection of getting ruled out before someone can get to know me. However, you've found someone who does know you, and has known you for a while. They may not know the full extent of your issues, but they know enough of you that they want to be with you, and since you like them, too, I think you should give it a chance. Your mental issues will continue to be an issue, but the wonderful things about you will continue to be wonderful as well.

 

[Chad Sexington]

I'm really bad at sincerity so I will try to get through this with minimal sarcasm.

Who are you gonna be?

You gonna be someone who didn't have a past? Good luck.

Ah sorry damn, that was sarcastic.

Look.

You can't not be you. I mean, you can change - you should change! It's good for us! - but you're still, you know, you. Theseus can bite me.

I just want you to understand that there isn't someone who has the 'right' amount of life and damage for another person. What happens to you, you have to deal with. What you do with what happens to you, everyone else has to deal with. Manage that second part wisely. What does that mean? Well, to me, it sounds like you're doing it. You acknowledge that you have to deal with it, you acknowledge your dealing with it could have impacts on other people - that level of awareness is the start of empathy. What is it to love another? To desire their true good. You desire that your partner know you are dealing with things that are big and hard, insert excellent joke here, and you want them to be prepared. I mean, that's a loving choice. You're not a burden though - because the same thing is true of your partner. What happens to them, they have to deal with. What they do with what happens to them, everyone else has to deal with. Today they are going to learn their partner has some shit going on. What they do with that...

And listen. There is no right relationship. There's just relationships where people believe in giving and receiving, and relationships destined for collapse.

But also I've had a lot of wine tonight, so you know.

 

[phil]

So I've had two major relationships. The first one ended after three years and at the time she told me she hadn't loved me about half that time. So when I met Melissa, at about a year and a half I got extremely paranoid that she was going to leave me and didn't love me. Everything she did I interpreted as a sign that things were falling apart and assumed she was just over me and my emotional baggage (I come from a long line of cryers)

I was so worried about her leaving me that sometimes I wished she would just to get it over with. It took me a while but I eventually realized that just because I'd been hurt in the past doesn't mean that it's doomed to happen again. I had to really try to step back and examine this for what it was. She'd seen me when I was low and she'd seen me when I was high. She loved me for it all and what I was doing with the paranoia was the real thing pushing her away. And don't get me wrong it wasn't a light switch to just turn off but eventually I allowed myself to trust her and it was for the best.

On the flip side I hadn't seen all sides of her and her mental health. Right before we got married, due to a medication change, she started going through what I found out later was a manic episode. I won't get into all the details publicly but I will say that three days after we married I had to commit her to the hospital.

It was really hard on the both of us. We missed each other and because I didn't know enough about her condition I'd lost a little trust and deep down she was hurt that I took her to the hospital because she'd had stays before and hated it. It was a low time for us which was compounded by the fact that we had JUST got married.

But we came back from it! And I think we're stronger now than ever before. I agree with you that partners should know what to expect with mental illness BUT I disagree with the idea of being a burden.

Throughout all of it I never stopped loving her. We had our strained times and lows like everyone else but even if I didn't exactly LIKE her at the given moment I always loved her and know she always loved me. We've both taken a much bigger interest in each other's health and I think we are stronger for it. I know that her episodes are brought on by medicine changes so we know what to look for. She knows that when my depression hits at its hardest what I need. Neither of us burden the other because we both lean on each other for support. And sometimes I full on carry her and sometimes she full on carries me. It's not always 50/50

 

[General Specific]

So without trying to reveal too much, I'm kinda on the other side of the relationship. My spouse, Dill, has lots of mental and physical health issues. They were upfront with me about them while we were initially dating. I could have, at any point, decided that it was too much or I didn't want to deal with all of that and ended the relationship. I didn't because I love Dill. It really is that simple. Yes, what they are going through is hard, and caring for them means I have to give up a lot of stuff I want to do, but in the end, I'd rather be with them no matter what.

Now, I'm also not going to sit here and say it is all sunshine and rainbows and everything is great. We have our ups and downs like any other couple. I just make a concerted effort to understand there are a number of things Dill cannot do and it is not their fault. I still get frustrated at times and speak out of turn, but I try to never make the criticism about their disability.

The really important thing is that we talk. If something is bothering us, we talk about it. We have open and honest communication about anything that is going on. If I've said or done something that makes them feel bad, they can bring it to me and I will do my best to listen without judging. They do the same.

We all have our own baggage. I'm transitioning to female right now. That is not an easy thing, especially in my state. Dill could have decided to leave me. It is unfortunately quite common for trans people's partners to leave them after they come out. But being that Dill is also Non-Binary (thus the they/them pronouns) and aromantic, they love me because of the bond we share. My body's form does not matter to them. They have been a huge support to me and I honestly would not have had the courage to come out if it was not for them.

We rely on each other. You may not think your significant other draws much support from you, but you would not have started a relationship in the first place if that were true. You are worthy of love and you deserve to be with someone who cares for you.