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Nov 24, 2012#1

Officer_Charon

I was going to start up a Cop humor thread, mostly from some of the good stuff I find on the interwebs, stuff I think Frank would enjoy, but then I wondered why we didn't really have any kind of a verbal humor thread? I know we've got one for funny pictures, and there was one that kinda petered out in regards to tasteless jokes, but not really a written humor section. So... here it is, have at it.

This one's not really a telling joke, but it makes for a damned hilarious read. Charlie should appreciate it.

NEW RIGHTS TO COUNSEL FOR ACCUSED PERSONS:

I am arresting you for_____________________(read the charge
directly from the Criminal Code of Canada in Arabic, French, Chinese and English). It is my duty to inform you that you have the right to retain and instruct counsel without delay. You have the right to telephone any lawyer you wish. You also have the right to free advice from a Legal Aid Lawyer @ 1-800-265-0451.

It is my duty to ask you if you were hurt in any way while I had to defend myself and my partner when you violently attacked us during your arrest? If so, you have the right to contact any person in the media you wish to accuse me of using excessive force. If you do not know anyone in the media, you will be put in contact with a reporter from the local sympathetic and liberal media.

It is also my duty to apologize to you for using offensive language towards you while you would not stop resisting arrest. If you do not find my apology acceptable, you will be put in contact with the Chief of police to make a direct complaint about my conduct. At this time, you have the right to continue verbally assaulting me and my family.

It is also my duty to inform you that you will be released from prison as soon as possible, if your stay with us has been cold, uncomfortable or if the free meals the taxpayers have supplied you are unacceptable, it is your right to speak to the Chief of Police or Sheriff immediately.

If you have been arrested for impaired driving, and I have made any mistake in my notes in regards to times, where I stopped you, the make or model of your vehicle, if my roadside screening device has not yet been calibrated today, or
if any other mistakes have been made, the charges against you will be dropped once you attend court, if someone has died due to your negligence, you will be put in contact with a counselor to discuss your feelings.

If you are or believe you are a visible minority, chances are I only arrested your for that reason, it had nothing to do with the severe crime you had just committed, It is my duty to ask you to inform the court, so that the charges against you can be thrown out.

It is my duty to ask you if you are feeling depressed about your
current arrest. 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number which will
put you in contact with a duty psychologist for personal crisis
counseling.

It is also my duty to ask how your vehicle is running? I have a
list of reasonably priced mechanics who will inspect your vehicle
at your convenience. It is also my duty to ask if you are hungry at this time? If so, I will purchase something to eat for you at a
restaurant of your choice because your welfare is my highest
priority. It is my duty to inform you that 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number that will put you in contact with an Information
Hotline for free advice on any matter that you might be concerned with at this time.

It is also my duty to inform you that this arrest will be
considered unlawful by the courts. 1-800-265-0455 is a toll free
number that will put you in contact with the Police Complaints
Commission. If you are not satisfied with the action taken by the
Police Complaints Commission you have the right to contact the
Human Rights Commission. You should be aware that if you contact either of these Commissions while you are in custody or detention, you may be asked to prepare and present a brief report which details how you have been subjected to racist, sexist, and homophobic behavior on the part of Police and Correctional staff.

Do you understand? Do you wish to call a lawyer, psychologist,
veterinarian, mechanic, Information Hotline, Commission, Board of Inquiry, near relative, Chief of police, girlfriend/boyfriend or both, other interested party, or if you wish to have some time alone in the private phone room?

Do you wish to drive the police cruiser to the detachment yourself?

Nov 24, 2012#2

Chad Sexington

Have you seen that Irish headline, 'Cork man drowns'?

Nov 24, 2012#3

Yoshimickster

I am more a ranting comedian, but there is one story joke that is stuck in my memory.

A man walks into a bath-room, and walks to a urinel. In the urinal next to him he sees a little man, and accidentally looks at his penis.

Man:Wow. Uh, don't mean to sound weird or anything but that is the biggest cock I've ever seen.

Little Man: Aye, and I also be a leprechaun! And since you found me, you get me pot O' gold!

Man:Really? That's awesome!

Leprechaun: Aye, for one ass-fuck!

Man:...what?

Leprechaun: For one ass fuck you get me pot O' gold.

Man: Well, I don't know...

Leprechaun: Oh come on, just one ass-fuck and your rich! Is that so bad?

Man: Well...okay.

The Leprechaun then proceeds to go to town on the man's ass.

Leprechaun: What's your name laddie?

Man: Uh...Steve.

Leprechaun: How old are ye?

Man: 28.

Leprechaun: Aren't ye a bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?

Man: Aw, not again!

This is a classic dirty joke right here.

Nov 24, 2012#4

Covar

So, there's a man crawling through the desert...

Nov 24, 2012#5

Frank

OC, that joke is almost what the charter of rights and freedoms sounds like.

Nov 24, 2012#6

Yoshimickster

How many minor Dragonball characters does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Two to three minor characters to stall the light-bulb for 3 episodes, and one main character to finish the job so the viewers can get on with their LIVES.

Nov 25, 2012#7

CrimsonSoul

Am I the only one that called the 1-800 number? It's not available in my area for some reason

Nov 25, 2012#8

sixpackshaker

A woman walks into an ice cream shop. And she makes her order.

"I'll have a gallon of Vanilla, a gallon of Strawberry and a gallon of chocolate."

The worker replies, "I can get you the vanilla and strawberry, I am sorry to say that we do not have chocolate ice cream."

"Oh, then I'll have two gallons of vanilla and a gallon of chocolate."

"No ma'am, we are out of chocolate."

"What?"

"OK, let me put it this way... Spell the van in vanilla."

"V-A-N."

"Good, now spell the straw in strawberry."

"S-T-R-A-W."

"Alright, now spell the fuck in chocolate."

"There is no FUCK in chocolate..."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

Nov 25, 2012#9

LordRendar

change "that's what I've been trying to tell you" to "exactly" get a better punchline.

Nov 25, 2012#10

Docseverin

What do a 9 volt battery and a womans butthole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but in the end you're going to put your tongue on it anyways

Nov 25, 2012#11

bhamv3

I posted this in our last joke thread, still my favorite joke. I actually like to act out it to people:

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough little hillbillies, as they could not afford a larger bed. The husband went to his veterinarian (of course) and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Nov 25, 2012#12

filmfanatic

Two drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff.

Nov 26, 2012#13

PatrThom

Shamelessly stolen from a high school classmate.

Two peanuts were crossing the street. One was assaulted.

--Patrick

Nov 26, 2012#14

Yoshimickster

I heard this from Chapelle's big block party.

Why did the prostitute get a vagina surgically implanted on her hip? So she could make money on the SIDE. Hyuk hyuk yuk!

That joke is probably older than I am. INSERT MICKEE IS SECRETLY A TEENAGER JOKE HERE!

Nov 26, 2012#15

Ravenpoe

Yoshimickster said:
INSERT MICKEE IS SECRETLY A TEENAGER JOKE HERE!

It's a secret?

Nov 27, 2012#16

PatrThom

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

--Patrick

Dec 3, 2012#17

figmentPez

A boy and a girl are sitting together on a bench after a romantic date. “Can i kiss you?”, the boy says. The girl nods and the boy pulls out black and white face paint and starts putting it on her face. “You’re going to be Gene Simmons,” he whispers.

via Dodger

Dec 3, 2012#18

ThatNickGuy

Yoshimickster

That's the joke.

Dec 4, 2012#19

PatrThom

Q.what did batman say to robin before they got in the car
A.get in the car

What does your mum need to make her fase very dirtey
SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times

what happens when you eat 100 tacos and 500 foooodz?
poop

Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…
Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

source

--Patrick

Dec 4, 2012#20

bhamv3

PatrThom said:
Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…
Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

... I laughed at this one.

Dec 5, 2012#21

GasBandit

Dec 8, 2012#22

Terrik

Why are fire trucks red?

Fire trucks use water to extinguish fires. All water eventually reaches the ocean. The ocean contains fish. Fish have fins. People from Finland are called Finns. Finland was once at war with Russia. Fire trucks are always rushin' around. That's why fire trucks are red

Dec 8, 2012#23

redthirtyone

PatrThom said:
Shamelessly stolen from a high school classmate.

Two peanuts were crossing the street. One was assaulted.

--Patrick

ah the German attempt at joke warfare

Dec 10, 2012#24

Gared

I think I used up all of my best jokes in the tasteless joke thread; that or I got a bunch of new tasteless jokes from that thread...

Dec 10, 2012#25

drawn_inward

PatrThom said:
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

--Patrick

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way - unique up on it!

Dec 10, 2012#26

Jax

PatrThom said:
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

--Patrick

Can someone explain this one to me? I tried looking at it several ways, but I just can't get it..
(The follow up joke of course needs no explanation)

Dec 10, 2012#27

Ravenpoe

Jax said:
Can someone explain this one to me? I tried looking at it several ways, but I just can't get it..
(The follow up joke of course needs no explanation)

Unique up on it = You sneak up on it

Dec 10, 2012#28

sixpackshaker

Ravenpoe said:
Unique up on it = You sneak up on it

Now it is not funny when I read that joke last week...

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