I was going to start up a Cop humor thread, mostly from some of the good stuff I find on the interwebs, stuff I think Frank would enjoy, but then I wondered why we didn't really have any kind of a verbal humor thread? I know we've got one for funny pictures, and there was one that kinda petered out in regards to tasteless jokes, but not really a written humor section. So... here it is, have at it.
This one's not really a telling joke, but it makes for a damned hilarious read. Charlie should appreciate it.
NEW RIGHTS TO COUNSEL FOR ACCUSED PERSONS:
I am arresting you for_____________________(read the charge
directly from the Criminal Code of Canada in Arabic, French, Chinese and English). It is my duty to inform you that you have the right to retain and instruct counsel without delay. You have the right to telephone any lawyer you wish. You also have the right to free advice from a Legal Aid Lawyer @ 1-800-265-0451.
It is my duty to ask you if you were hurt in any way while I had to defend myself and my partner when you violently attacked us during your arrest? If so, you have the right to contact any person in the media you wish to accuse me of using excessive force. If you do not know anyone in the media, you will be put in contact with a reporter from the local sympathetic and liberal media.
It is also my duty to apologize to you for using offensive language towards you while you would not stop resisting arrest. If you do not find my apology acceptable, you will be put in contact with the Chief of police to make a direct complaint about my conduct. At this time, you have the right to continue verbally assaulting me and my family.
It is also my duty to inform you that you will be released from prison as soon as possible, if your stay with us has been cold, uncomfortable or if the free meals the taxpayers have supplied you are unacceptable, it is your right to speak to the Chief of Police or Sheriff immediately.
If you have been arrested for impaired driving, and I have made any mistake in my notes in regards to times, where I stopped you, the make or model of your vehicle, if my roadside screening device has not yet been calibrated today, or
if any other mistakes have been made, the charges against you will be dropped once you attend court, if someone has died due to your negligence, you will be put in contact with a counselor to discuss your feelings.
If you are or believe you are a visible minority, chances are I only arrested your for that reason, it had nothing to do with the severe crime you had just committed, It is my duty to ask you to inform the court, so that the charges against you can be thrown out.
It is my duty to ask you if you are feeling depressed about your
current arrest. 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number which will
put you in contact with a duty psychologist for personal crisis
counseling.
It is also my duty to ask how your vehicle is running? I have a
list of reasonably priced mechanics who will inspect your vehicle
at your convenience. It is also my duty to ask if you are hungry at this time? If so, I will purchase something to eat for you at a
restaurant of your choice because your welfare is my highest
priority. It is my duty to inform you that 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number that will put you in contact with an Information
Hotline for free advice on any matter that you might be concerned with at this time.
It is also my duty to inform you that this arrest will be
considered unlawful by the courts. 1-800-265-0455 is a toll free
number that will put you in contact with the Police Complaints
Commission. If you are not satisfied with the action taken by the
Police Complaints Commission you have the right to contact the
Human Rights Commission. You should be aware that if you contact either of these Commissions while you are in custody or detention, you may be asked to prepare and present a brief report which details how you have been subjected to racist, sexist, and homophobic behavior on the part of Police and Correctional staff.
Do you understand? Do you wish to call a lawyer, psychologist,
veterinarian, mechanic, Information Hotline, Commission, Board of Inquiry, near relative, Chief of police, girlfriend/boyfriend or both, other interested party, or if you wish to have some time alone in the private phone room?
Do you wish to drive the police cruiser to the detachment yourself?
This one's not really a telling joke, but it makes for a damned hilarious read. Charlie should appreciate it.
NEW RIGHTS TO COUNSEL FOR ACCUSED PERSONS:
I am arresting you for_____________________(read the charge
directly from the Criminal Code of Canada in Arabic, French, Chinese and English). It is my duty to inform you that you have the right to retain and instruct counsel without delay. You have the right to telephone any lawyer you wish. You also have the right to free advice from a Legal Aid Lawyer @ 1-800-265-0451.
It is my duty to ask you if you were hurt in any way while I had to defend myself and my partner when you violently attacked us during your arrest? If so, you have the right to contact any person in the media you wish to accuse me of using excessive force. If you do not know anyone in the media, you will be put in contact with a reporter from the local sympathetic and liberal media.
It is also my duty to apologize to you for using offensive language towards you while you would not stop resisting arrest. If you do not find my apology acceptable, you will be put in contact with the Chief of police to make a direct complaint about my conduct. At this time, you have the right to continue verbally assaulting me and my family.
It is also my duty to inform you that you will be released from prison as soon as possible, if your stay with us has been cold, uncomfortable or if the free meals the taxpayers have supplied you are unacceptable, it is your right to speak to the Chief of Police or Sheriff immediately.
If you have been arrested for impaired driving, and I have made any mistake in my notes in regards to times, where I stopped you, the make or model of your vehicle, if my roadside screening device has not yet been calibrated today, or
if any other mistakes have been made, the charges against you will be dropped once you attend court, if someone has died due to your negligence, you will be put in contact with a counselor to discuss your feelings.
If you are or believe you are a visible minority, chances are I only arrested your for that reason, it had nothing to do with the severe crime you had just committed, It is my duty to ask you to inform the court, so that the charges against you can be thrown out.
It is my duty to ask you if you are feeling depressed about your
current arrest. 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number which will
put you in contact with a duty psychologist for personal crisis
counseling.
It is also my duty to ask how your vehicle is running? I have a
list of reasonably priced mechanics who will inspect your vehicle
at your convenience. It is also my duty to ask if you are hungry at this time? If so, I will purchase something to eat for you at a
restaurant of your choice because your welfare is my highest
priority. It is my duty to inform you that 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number that will put you in contact with an Information
Hotline for free advice on any matter that you might be concerned with at this time.
It is also my duty to inform you that this arrest will be
considered unlawful by the courts. 1-800-265-0455 is a toll free
number that will put you in contact with the Police Complaints
Commission. If you are not satisfied with the action taken by the
Police Complaints Commission you have the right to contact the
Human Rights Commission. You should be aware that if you contact either of these Commissions while you are in custody or detention, you may be asked to prepare and present a brief report which details how you have been subjected to racist, sexist, and homophobic behavior on the part of Police and Correctional staff.
Do you understand? Do you wish to call a lawyer, psychologist,
veterinarian, mechanic, Information Hotline, Commission, Board of Inquiry, near relative, Chief of police, girlfriend/boyfriend or both, other interested party, or if you wish to have some time alone in the private phone room?
Do you wish to drive the police cruiser to the detachment yourself?
