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Live-in boyfriends and girlfriends in parents' home

Dec 29, 2015#1

Cajungal

I was just reading a post by Dave, who mentioned that his daughter and her boyfriend live in his house.

I live in a really conservative state, and I can't think of anyone who's been allowed to live with their SO while still in their parents' home. I know a girl from London who did it and another from somewhere in Ohio, but that's all. That said, I know a lot of couples who lived with their parents with their young *spouse.*

It always surprises me when I hear about it, because I've never gotten to learn how common it actually is.

So I'm curious about it. Have you ever been in this situation, do you know anyone who has, or do you just have an opinion on it?

I really don't have an opinion about it, except that it takes a super patient parent to do this. It's not just because of--depending on who you are--the 'moral' implications, but because of how trying it can be to share space.

Dec 29, 2015#2

Ravenpoe

On a related note, I'm starting up a new business in sound-proofing rooms.

Dec 29, 2015#3

Dave

She's 22, he's 26. He has his own place - sort of - but they spend the majority of their time here because our place is nicer than his. His cousin and his cousin's girlfriend live there as well and it's small and not exactly clean. So they stay here.

So far there hasn't been any soundproofing necessary. They are either very quiet or they do it while we're at work. But she's 22 and in a committed relationship. I'd be foolish to think she's not having sex. And we're all pretty laid back. We don't pull the "this is my house" crap and we respect each other's boundaries. If we need to go downstairs we ask if it's okay. We treat it like it's their apartment. And they respect us in return.

Dec 29, 2015#4

Dei

Even though we had a kid and lived together, before we were married my husband and I were never ever allowed to share a room at either of our parent's homes when we visited. I think that was a little ridiculous personally, but at the same time, I think it would depend on the age and seriousness of the relationship whether or not that would be a thing. I'd prefer to not live in denial, but I also wouldn't want to hear anything...

Dec 29, 2015#5

Cajungal

See, the little sheltered southern girl part of me is just mindboggled right now.

Dec 29, 2015#6

Celt Z

When I graduated college, I moved in with my then-boyfriend and his mom. With the cost of apartments in NY, it was the practical solution. It was a decent sized apartment with both bedrooms having their own bathrooms. I think it helped that his mom and I got along really well and liked a lot of the same tv shows. There really wasn't any awkwardness except when we decided to break up, but she wasn't harsh to me then, either. (I think, on some level, she understood, especially because my ex's dad was her college sweetheart, but the marriage was horrible and ended in divorce.)
EDIT: I don't know if it makes a difference or not, we had already been dating for two years when we moved in together.

Dec 29, 2015#7

Gruebeard

And there goes the little southern girl's mind exploding.

My brother's girlfriend lived with us for some time before they ever got engaged. I would never have wanted any of my girlfriends to have moved on in though. But because I shudder at the thought of commitment.

Dec 29, 2015#8

IronBrig4

It's quite common for traditional Chinese women to live in their boyfriend/fiance's parents' home for years before marriage. That's so the mother-in-law can have the girl under her thumb.

Dec 29, 2015#9

Frank

My younger brother lived with his girlfriend's family while he finished high school after my mother moved to another city for work (I'm 6 years older and was already on my own). Crazy part was that her parents are SUPER conservative and religious (Alberta is the south of Canada). They actually were together for nearly 10 years and lived with each other long after high school (recently split up unfortunately, she was basically family at that point).

Dec 29, 2015#10

Ravenpoe

Dave said:
She's 22, he's 26. He has his own place - sort of - but they spend the majority of their time here because our place is nicer than his. His cousin and his cousin's girlfriend live there as well and it's small and not exactly clean. So they stay here.

So far there hasn't been any soundproofing necessary. They are either very quiet or they do it while we're at work. But she's 22 and in a committed relationship. I'd be foolish to think she's not having sex. And we're all pretty laid back. We don't pull the "this is my house" crap and we respect each other's boundaries. If we need to go downstairs we ask if it's okay. We treat it like it's their apartment. And they respect us in return.

No no, the soundproofing is so they don't have to hear you. We all know you're a screamer.

Dec 29, 2015#11

Frank

Ravenpoe said:
No no, the soundproofing is so they don't have to hear you. We all know you're a screamer.

Dec 29, 2015#12

Dave

Ravenpoe said:
No no, the soundproofing is so they don't have to hear you. We all know you're a screamer.

I've been married over 20 years. The last time there was screaming in my bedroom I was kneeling on my wife's hair.

Dec 29, 2015#13

BananaHands

Dave said:
She's 22, he's 26. He has his own place - sort of - but they spend the majority of their time here because our place is nicer than his. His cousin and his cousin's girlfriend live there as well and it's small and not exactly clean. So they stay here.

So far there hasn't been any soundproofing necessary. They are either very quiet or they do it while we're at work. But she's 22 and in a committed relationship. I'd be foolish to think she's not having sex. And we're all pretty laid back. We don't pull the "this is my house" crap and we respect each other's boundaries. If we need to go downstairs we ask if it's okay. We treat it like it's their apartment. And they respect us in return.

Man, to think I behaved when I stayed there.

Dec 29, 2015#14

Cheesy1

Besides, @Dave's wife isn't into the kinky stuff he likes. That's what the cat is for.

Dec 29, 2015#15

PatrThom

Ravenpoe said:
On a related note, I'm starting up a new business in sound-proofing rooms.

Whose? Theirs? Or yours?

--Patrick

Dec 29, 2015#16

Tinwhistler

When we moved to Virginia, my youngest stepson's girlfriend moved in with us. They were both grown adults. We had the stipulation that they would pay a share of rent, work at least part time, and go to college. They ended up getting married within about a year of her moving up.

The shared space problem was really bad when we were all squeezed into a 974 sqft apartment. It got much better when our house was finished being built. The biggest problem was two different families, essentially, living in such a small space, with different ideals for cleanliness and the like. We did impose some rules on them, because that was the cost of having such a cheap rent..essentially "you'll keep things at a certain level of cleanliness, not go out past midnight during the week since I have to get up at 5am to go to work, and not invite strangers over without talking with us...and in return, you'll pay about half the going rate for rent, we'll cover all the other bills and food." There was a lot of arguing, mostly because kids are lazy and they didn't want to keep up with the cleanliness.

Of course, there were those...other...problems. But I think they probably heard us much more than we heard them. It was funniest when we'd get going, finish up, and hear them going at it.

It probably affected me the least, because I wasn't related to anyone involved by blood.

When we moved into the house, we raised the rent a bit, but they got the entire 1100 sqft basement (bigger than our whole apartment) to themselves. All other conditions stayed the same, but since we had a lot of space apart, the arguing almost disappeared. They moved out almost a year ago, and live in New Orleans now.

Dec 29, 2015#17

GasBandit

Frank said:

That's one of my favorite sound effects ever.

Dec 29, 2015#18

blotsfan

GasBandit said:
That's one of my favorite sound effects ever.

Am I crazy or is that the TIE Fighter?

Dec 29, 2015#19

PatrThom

GasBandit said:
That's one of my favorite sound effects ever.

blotsfan said:
Am I crazy or is that the TIE Fighter?

I know it from Starcraft.

--Patrick

Dec 29, 2015#20

bhamv3

IronBrig4 said:
It's quite common for traditional Chinese women to live in their boyfriend/fiance's parents' home for years before marriage. That's so the mother-in-law can have the girl under her thumb.

Wait, what? How traditional are we talking about here? Because I have never heard of this happening, apart from possibly in really rural areas where the marriage was arranged at birth, and the bride goes to live with the groom's family starting from when she's a little girl.

Dec 29, 2015#21

GasBandit

PatrThom said:
I know it from Starcraft.

--Patrick

blotsfan said:
Am I crazy or is that the TIE Fighter?

It's the "Howie" scream, second most overused stock effect scream after the Wilhelm scream. Funniest place I ever saw it was in Serial Mom:

Dec 29, 2015#22

phil

My buddy Mk is living at his girlfriend's mom's place while she finishes college. My other buddy's younger brother still lives at home and his girlfriend lives there. Really rents are just so out of control it seems like it's becoming way more common.

Really everyone I know except the guy who works for Google and our military friends have some kind of living arrangement that does not include living in a place that is theirs.

Dec 29, 2015#23

Mathias

Dec 29, 2015#24

WasabiPoptart

Never. My parents wouldn't have allowed it. I had to move in with them briefly when I was 24. A male friend came over (friend and nothing more) after work and my dad tried telling me I couldn't have him in my room with the door closed. I was 24, paying my own bills, contributing to the groceries, etc. I was under their roof, their rules.

On the other hand, I think if, as adults, Lily or Noah had an SO who needed a place to stay then I would consider it. Depends on my relationship with the SO and why they are unable to have their own place/can't stay with family or friends.

Dec 29, 2015#25

IronBrig4

bhamv3 said:
Wait, what? How traditional are we talking about here? Because I have never heard of this happening, apart from possibly in really rural areas where the marriage was arranged at birth, and the bride goes to live with the groom's family starting from when she's a little girl.

Yeah, thanks for the correction.

And there's no way my folks would have allowed a live-in girlfriend. My Dad would have been okay with it, but my Mom's from rural Thailand. She comes from a culture where going on three dates means you're married.

Dec 29, 2015#26

Hailey Knight

Sounds super awkward to the point that I didn't even bring it up with my aunts. When I moved out of their house is when my wife moved out from her parents.

And we had the stupid "no sleeping in the same bed" when visiting certain households of my family even though we were living together.

Dec 30, 2015#27

strawman

There are an infinite number of places and times to be intimate, so it doesn't matter if the hosts are parents to either person or not - if the hosts require a marriage license or other known relationship before allowing two people to share a room, it's up to the hosts. This is particularly true if there are children or youth in the home and the parents want to teach a set of values.

There are, no doubt, people who prefer not to have smoking, alcohol, or firearms in their home. Most people wanting to spend the night long or short term would be willing to follow those rules without whining or find another place where they could more readily indulge in their preferred living.

If you're the one asking for accommodations, you can ask, but you shouldn't be surprised if they have standards that differ from yours, and you may have to adapt to an environment and lifestyle that doesn't meet all your needs.

If you're the host, you can set whatever rules you want, but you should understand your guests have different standards, and accept that they may choose not to accept your hospitality, or may decide to accept and break the rules anyway.

Dec 30, 2015#28

Bones

stienman said:
There are an infinite number of places and times to be intimate, so it doesn't matter if the hosts are parents to either person or not - if the hosts require a marriage license or other known relationship before allowing two people to share a room, it's up to the hosts. This is particularly true if there are children or youth in the home and the parents want to teach a set of values.

There are, no doubt, people who prefer not to have smoking, alcohol, or firearms in their home. Most people wanting to spend the night long or short term would be willing to follow those rules without whining or find another place where they could more readily indulge in their preferred living.

If you're the one asking for accommodations, you can ask, but you shouldn't be surprised if they have standards that differ from yours, and you may have to adapt to an environment and lifestyle that doesn't meet all your needs.

If you're the host, you can set whatever rules you want, but you should understand your guests have different standards, and accept that they may choose not to accept your hospitality, or may decide to accept and break the rules anyway.

but i believe the complaint is from married couples visiting family who cant handle having them sleeping together. which is some hilarious sitcom shit.

Dec 30, 2015#29

GasBandit

Hah, my annual family reunion takes place at a baptist retreat lodge which still has gender-segregated dorms (and by dorm, I mean "big room full of heavy duty bunk beds). Pauline was not a fan of that arrangement. There was, however, a small nod to certain necessities - there was a Men's dorm, a Women's dorm, and a third dorm used by couples with small children who didn't want to wake the other two dorms with the inevitable late night squalling.

But yeah, there wasn't a whole lot of lovin' goin' on there, so to speak, even though more than half of the attendees usually brought their spouses, and sometimes, yes, their girlfriends/boyfriends/fiancees. And it's not like there was even any church official or functionary there to chaperone or anything, it was just us folks. But even with the separate gender arrangements, there wasn't exactly a lot of privacy for such things.

I've been attending that reunion for 35 years and to this day I've never seen the inside of the women's dorm.

Dec 30, 2015#30

Hailey Knight

stienman said:
There are an infinite number of places and times to be intimate

Hold on, sleeping in the same bed doesn't equate to sex. I'm not gonna fuck in someone else's bed, especially when visiting family.

Bones said:
but i believe the complaint is from married couples visiting family who cant handle having them sleeping together. which is some hilarious sitcom shit.

This.

Dec 30, 2015#31

Jay

I moved in with my wife (back then girlfriend) in 2004 in the basement of her house. Paid our part of the rent and did what we can to contribute. Never had any problems, we kept to ourselves and didn't give her parents a hard time. I shoveled the snow in the winter and cut the grass in the summer my share of times. Her family didn't have any qualms about this arrangement and neither did mine. After all, their daughter is an adult (22 years old at the time) and it simply wasn't any of their damned business how often we consummated our love.

I find the concept of other folks finding this arrangement quite weird and so extremely backwards that I wonder why kind of bubble life they must live to think that this is shocking in this day and age.

Many people aren't that religious anymore and don't associate marriage to that living arrangement.

On a last point, if I'd be visiting relatives and they'd tell me we couldn't sleep in the same bed, I'd sleep elsewhere and change my visiting priorities. It's inane.

Dec 31, 2015#32

Dave

While agree with Jay's feelings on the matter in general, I can understand some people's reticence. I mean, if we visited my in-laws they wouldn't be allowed to sleep in the same room until they were married. Different strokes, man.

Dec 31, 2015#33

strawman

Bones said:
but i believe the complaint is from married couples visiting family who cant handle having them sleeping together. which is some hilarious sitcom shit.

Then I'm badly misreading the original post:

Cajungal said:
I can't think of anyone who's been allowed to live with their SO while still in their parents' home. ... I know a lot of couples who lived with their parents with their young *spouse.*

Forcing a married couple to have separate rooms does seem extreme to me, and I've never seen it except in dorm style situations like gas mentions where there aren't enough rooms for couples to each have their own.

I don't believe there's any reason to insult those who have different beliefs than me by calling them backward, ridiculous, or stupid.

Dec 31, 2015#34

Cajungal

I'm glad to know that my observations seem to be the less common ones. I've never been in the position myself. We did catch a little hell from his parents when we moved in together...after dating for 8 years. It's weird down here sometimes.

Dec 31, 2015#35

Hailey Knight

Also, you can think a rule is stupid and still obey it because you're the guest in a house.

Dec 31, 2015#36

PatrThom

Zero Esc said:
Also, you can think a rule is stupid and still obey it because you're the guest in a house.

Yes. Even when it leads to bruxism.

--Patrick

Dec 31, 2015#37

Hailey Knight

PatrThom said:
Yes. Even when it leads to bruxism.

--Patrick

My house has a rule against that.

Dec 31, 2015#38

General Specific

This would never have happened in my parents' house.

Hell, my parents even made long-term, going to get married couples sleep in separate rooms when we went on family trips and had hotel rooms. My sister, for example, was not allowed to stay in the same hotel room as her 5-year boyfriend who she eventually married. I had to share a room with him while she was in the same room as them. To be clear, they both were in college at the time.

I kinda share your awe at that happening, CG, but mostly just shrug it off.

Dec 31, 2015#39

Cajungal

General Specific said:
This would never have happened in my parents' house.

Hell, my parents even made long-term, going to get married couples sleep in separate rooms when we went on family trips and had hotel rooms. My sister, for example, was not allowed to stay in the same hotel room as her 5-year boyfriend who she eventually married. I had to share a room with him while she was in the same room as them. To be clear, they both were in college at the time.

I kinda share your awe at that happening, CG, but mostly just shrug it off.

Yeah it doesn't quite 'shock' me, per se...I just was never sure what most people do, because I've only gotten to live in one place.

Dec 31, 2015#40

Bubble181

With my parents, they always assumed - for me, brother and sister - that, by the time we brought a significant other home to be introduced, it was serious enough to sleep in the same room. Considering we all had rooms with single beds back when we lived at home, I'm fairly sure they didn't intend for us to sleep apart.
With my current parents-in-law, first time I was there, I slept in their daughter's bedroom and bed. Nobody batted an eye.
With my former parents-in-law....Same.
My grandparents' generation was somewhat stricter, being also far more religious, but even at my grandparents' place I slept in the same room as my then-girlfriend (only met my current girlfriend when all four of them had died), thought we did have two covers, if we wanted to sleep separately :confused:

. But only one mattress, so....
Honestly, even for the more conservative catholic families here, most people of my parents' generation would find that perfectly normal (from a certain age up, say 16 or so). In fact, "they won't even let someone sleep with their boyfriend/girlfriend" is used as one of many ways (for the dickish right) to point out the "otherness" and "hyperconservativeness" and "backwardness" and so on of most, more conservative, Muslims.

Jan 1, 2016#41

Siska

I'm Swedish, so the concern would have been the insinuated failure to grow up and get your own damn place. Swedes are worried about owing others financially, even to some extent family members, not other peoples sexy times. Most parents would be fine with their kids having sex under their roof. If they are teenagers there would probably be a very serious lecture about safety, that's it.

Jan 1, 2016#42

Ravenpoe

stienman said:
I don't believe there's any reason to insult those who have different beliefs than me by calling them backward, ridiculous, or stupid.

Hey now, if I think someone is backwards, that doesn't necessarily mean I think they're stupid. I could think they're stupid for entirely different reasons.*

*Though, joke aside, I'm off the camp that follows rules and customs if I'm a guest in someone's home. I'm a godless heathen, but I'll still bow my head for grace if that's the custom of anyone I'm a guest of.

Jan 1, 2016#43

Bones

Ravenpoe said:
Hey now, if I think someone is backwards, that doesn't necessarily mean I think they're stupid. I could think they're stupid for entirely different reasons.*

*Though, joke aside, I'm off the camp that follows rules and customs if I'm a guest in someone's home. I'm a godless heathen, but I'll still bow my head for grace if that's the custom of anyone I'm a guest of.

i was always of the camp of small things are fine, i dont visit or crash at a hotel of people whose beliefs are so different that it clashes with my way of life.
Had a friends whose family was super religious when i was in high school, i crashed at his place one Saturday night, i woke up on Sunday morning to his mother looming over me shouting something about church. apparently it was their custom that everyone no matter what goes to church on Sunday. (PROTIP: one of my titles is "Bones the Apostate"). I politely excused myself and walked out to my car, his mother refused to let me drive away in my own car parked on the street. she sits on my hood and says she wont move until i come with them. "oh ok you win, I'll follow you in my car" she agrees, and goes back in the house. I drove away and never looked back.

Jan 1, 2016#44

Ravenpoe

Bones said:
i was always of the camp of small things are fine, i dont visit or crash at a hotel of people whose beliefs are so different that it clashes with my way of life.
Had a friends whose family was super religious when i was in high school, i crashed at his place one Saturday night, i woke up on Sunday morning to his mother looming over me shouting something about church. apparently it was their custom that everyone no matter what goes to church on Sunday. (PROTIP: one of my titles is "Bones the Apostate"). I politely excused myself and walked out to my car, his mother refused to let me drive away in my own car parked on the street. she sits on my hood and says she wont move until i come with them. "oh ok you win, I'll follow you in my car" she agrees, and goes back in the house. I drove away and never looked back.

Well, here's the thing, if I'm in someone's home, I assume it's because I like them and want to be there. And people who would do something like you described would not fall into those categories.

Jan 1, 2016#45

Squidleybits

Bones said:
i was always of the camp of small things are fine, i dont visit or crash at a hotel of people whose beliefs are so different that it clashes with my way of life.
Had a friends whose family was super religious when i was in high school, i crashed at his place one Saturday night, i woke up on Sunday morning to his mother looming over me shouting something about church. apparently it was their custom that everyone no matter what goes to church on Sunday. (PROTIP: one of my titles is "Bones the Apostate"). I politely excused myself and walked out to my car, his mother refused to let me drive away in my own car parked on the street. she sits on my hood and says she wont move until i come with them. "oh ok you win, I'll follow you in my car" she agrees, and goes back in the house. I drove away and never looked back.

That's insane! I have no idea how I would have handled that.

Jan 1, 2016#46

Just Me

Been with the gf's family for christmas, they went to church and I dropped down on the couch for a nap.
There also never has been any trouble with staying there and sharing a bed and room with their daughter. Neither had her younger sister any problems with her boyfriends.
Pretty open minded people, even as they are catholics.

Gf has an aunt that is staunchely catholic when it comes to swearing, praying, church and all (yes, even not using contraceptives and such shenanigans), but even they had no problem with one of their daughters sharing a place with her then bf-now husband. I especially was surprised they did support their other daughter when she got pregnant out of wedlock. Still all in the green now. 2md baby, same bf, still no ring.

And that's talking from a pretty conservative part of Germany!

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