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Newly Single
#1
Denbrought
Denbrought
I don't feel like throwing this into a blog or the whine thread, so y'all can have it here. This is what I've been vaguely referencing these past few months in Whine/Rant, so consider this a summation of what I should've been posting but didn't feel comfortable or able to share. This is an abbreviated version, as a more complete account would require far more disclosure and writing than I feel like doing.
TL;DR; Divorced, lost a cat in the process, picking up the pieces.
My wife started dating a long-time long-distance friend of hers in November, who seemed fine at a distance (we played videogames together) but that I found utterly detestable in person. Their relationship escalated in ways I was uncomfortable with, and our marriage suffered as a result. In all fairness, our marriage had already been in a very slow decline due to the monotony of daily life and some lifestyle differences (she felt I was unresponsive, objectifying, and infantilizing her. I resented her constant pot use and refusal to get a job or therapy for the depression we agreed she has/had), but it was by no means beyond any point of no return.
Our trip to Spain was fraught with friction and issues, and when we came back home in January, the new partner had moved down to GA to be closer to her (and crashed on our couch for what was supposed to be a temporary stay). She stopped sleeping in our bed, and started sleeping in the living room. His truck broke, so she started driving him to/from work ("until the truck is fixed", which quite literally never happened), meaning he stayed at our place. At this point we drifted apart at a fairly quick pace. She stopped wanting to do anything social with me, which (since she was the only driver in the household) meant that both of our D&D games, SCA activities, and boardgame nights stopped. She filled her time with dates and activities with the new partner, and I was left isolated at home.
My mental state heavily deteriorated as hers improved (she determined that I was the cause of her depression, and/or this new partner was the cure), I started heavily drinking, and I got the closest to suicide I have been since my immigration-related unemployment stint 3 years ago. Ali wouldn't stop bothering me while I set up the noose, and I decided to message a friend and tell them what had been going on (up to here I had not told a soul of what was going on). They helped keep me centered for that night and through the weeks that followed.
We stopped talking except to fight or get in each other's way. They turned the living room into a blanket fort for privacy (did not dampen the sounds of smoking and fucking, sadly). In late February she told me I needed to start dating her, so to speak, if I wanted her back. We tried going on a date, but it was awkward and I apparently looked sad the entire time. At the end of March she told she wanted him to be her primary partner, and that she thought her and I could not be romantically involved for now (or for a while), but that she still saw (and wanted) me as her life partner. I expressed how hurtful this was, that cuckoldry was not a fetish of mine, and that maybe a divorce would be best--despite how much this would potentially fuck my ability to remain in the country. Had I chosen to accept the situation I'm guessing I would've hung myself by now.
We pissed off each other further, and in mid-April she asked me for divorce after she realized she couldn't see us be romantic ever again with all that had happened. It was a very cathartic discussion, and I realized that I did not know this person anymore. The woman I married is either gone or didn't exist to begin with. Her and the new partner resolved to move to Colorado (since pot's legal). Divorce was filed on the first of May, they moved out on the 23rd of May, and the divorce was finalized mid last week. She gets $10k from me, her Corolla, and Mixa (tortieshell cat). I kept Alistar (toothless tabby) our daily driver Nissan, and most of our furniture/possessions (they moved 2 people with the Corolla and a 4x8x8 uHaul trailer, so a lot got left behind). She left without telling many people (the divorce hasn't been made public), so I've been breaking it in person as it comes up (I'm letting her be the one to announce it on all other social media, since she's the one that moved 1300 miles).
Since they moved out I've been spending my evenings cleaning the place, throwing away things or boxing them for yardsale/Goodwill (we both have hoarder tendencies). I'm slowly redecorating and redesigning the living spaces as I clean them up. I've adopted fairly good routines, though my diet and exercise have taken a backseat (willpower depletion is real). I'm going to Catalonia for 1.5 months this summer (2 week vacation and 5 weeks of WfH there) so I can spend time with my family, rest and heal. I feel far better than I have in a long time. I had been holding onto of niggling issues, and it's all gone. I get to keep almost all of our mutual friends (many of whom feel betrayed by this situation), the financial hit is surviveable (she got my emergency fund and the beginning of our downpayment fund), specially considering I'm now only looking after myself and Ali. I really miss Mixa, it feels like she died, but at least I'm not breaking down crying when I think about her anymore.
I had some friends over today to help me shuffle the living room and bedroom around to make them feel my own (and replace furniture they took). I'll probably move my gaming computer setup to the master bedroom, and turn my computer room into my WfH office (instead of having my office in the breakfast nook).
I need to look for an immigration lawyer (I have self-filed everything this past decade, but this is a thorny situation and I want help), learn how to drive a car, and finish examining all that is in the house (I'd estimate I'm 30-40% through).
Overall, I intend to remain non-exclusive, specially given every actively poly person I've spoken with said their reaction to this situation would've been to drop the new partner and focus on fixing the long-term relationship. I am giving serious dating a break (outside of fooling around with some friends-with-benefits), and as of right now I don't see marriage (or life partnership, as we called ours) a realistic prospect. Like with having kids (an idea I've warmed up to), I'm sure my opinion can change with time. If nothing else, I have a lot of lessons learnt from this, along with a healthy list of yellow/red flags for compatibility.
I am unsure whether I will remain in the U.S. beyond 2019, regardless of whether the conditional green card renewal goes in my favor or not. Most of my friends are here, including some I hold extremely dear... But my family misses me, and I do want my niece to know me growing up, and to be able to help my brother with raising her, and my parents as they age. Ideally I'll find a way to spend at least 2-3 months out of the year over there. The 1 month of WfH over yonder is a test drive with my company to see how they feel about letting it be a regular occurrence.
Sorry about the rambliness of the writing, I don't feel like editing too much or I'll just delete it all (wouldn't be the first time).
TL;DR; Divorced, lost a cat in the process, picking up the pieces.
My wife started dating a long-time long-distance friend of hers in November, who seemed fine at a distance (we played videogames together) but that I found utterly detestable in person. Their relationship escalated in ways I was uncomfortable with, and our marriage suffered as a result. In all fairness, our marriage had already been in a very slow decline due to the monotony of daily life and some lifestyle differences (she felt I was unresponsive, objectifying, and infantilizing her. I resented her constant pot use and refusal to get a job or therapy for the depression we agreed she has/had), but it was by no means beyond any point of no return.
Our trip to Spain was fraught with friction and issues, and when we came back home in January, the new partner had moved down to GA to be closer to her (and crashed on our couch for what was supposed to be a temporary stay). She stopped sleeping in our bed, and started sleeping in the living room. His truck broke, so she started driving him to/from work ("until the truck is fixed", which quite literally never happened), meaning he stayed at our place. At this point we drifted apart at a fairly quick pace. She stopped wanting to do anything social with me, which (since she was the only driver in the household) meant that both of our D&D games, SCA activities, and boardgame nights stopped. She filled her time with dates and activities with the new partner, and I was left isolated at home.
My mental state heavily deteriorated as hers improved (she determined that I was the cause of her depression, and/or this new partner was the cure), I started heavily drinking, and I got the closest to suicide I have been since my immigration-related unemployment stint 3 years ago. Ali wouldn't stop bothering me while I set up the noose, and I decided to message a friend and tell them what had been going on (up to here I had not told a soul of what was going on). They helped keep me centered for that night and through the weeks that followed.
We stopped talking except to fight or get in each other's way. They turned the living room into a blanket fort for privacy (did not dampen the sounds of smoking and fucking, sadly). In late February she told me I needed to start dating her, so to speak, if I wanted her back. We tried going on a date, but it was awkward and I apparently looked sad the entire time. At the end of March she told she wanted him to be her primary partner, and that she thought her and I could not be romantically involved for now (or for a while), but that she still saw (and wanted) me as her life partner. I expressed how hurtful this was, that cuckoldry was not a fetish of mine, and that maybe a divorce would be best--despite how much this would potentially fuck my ability to remain in the country. Had I chosen to accept the situation I'm guessing I would've hung myself by now.
We pissed off each other further, and in mid-April she asked me for divorce after she realized she couldn't see us be romantic ever again with all that had happened. It was a very cathartic discussion, and I realized that I did not know this person anymore. The woman I married is either gone or didn't exist to begin with. Her and the new partner resolved to move to Colorado (since pot's legal). Divorce was filed on the first of May, they moved out on the 23rd of May, and the divorce was finalized mid last week. She gets $10k from me, her Corolla, and Mixa (tortieshell cat). I kept Alistar (toothless tabby) our daily driver Nissan, and most of our furniture/possessions (they moved 2 people with the Corolla and a 4x8x8 uHaul trailer, so a lot got left behind). She left without telling many people (the divorce hasn't been made public), so I've been breaking it in person as it comes up (I'm letting her be the one to announce it on all other social media, since she's the one that moved 1300 miles).
Since they moved out I've been spending my evenings cleaning the place, throwing away things or boxing them for yardsale/Goodwill (we both have hoarder tendencies). I'm slowly redecorating and redesigning the living spaces as I clean them up. I've adopted fairly good routines, though my diet and exercise have taken a backseat (willpower depletion is real). I'm going to Catalonia for 1.5 months this summer (2 week vacation and 5 weeks of WfH there) so I can spend time with my family, rest and heal. I feel far better than I have in a long time. I had been holding onto of niggling issues, and it's all gone. I get to keep almost all of our mutual friends (many of whom feel betrayed by this situation), the financial hit is surviveable (she got my emergency fund and the beginning of our downpayment fund), specially considering I'm now only looking after myself and Ali. I really miss Mixa, it feels like she died, but at least I'm not breaking down crying when I think about her anymore.
I had some friends over today to help me shuffle the living room and bedroom around to make them feel my own (and replace furniture they took). I'll probably move my gaming computer setup to the master bedroom, and turn my computer room into my WfH office (instead of having my office in the breakfast nook).
I need to look for an immigration lawyer (I have self-filed everything this past decade, but this is a thorny situation and I want help), learn how to drive a car, and finish examining all that is in the house (I'd estimate I'm 30-40% through).
Overall, I intend to remain non-exclusive, specially given every actively poly person I've spoken with said their reaction to this situation would've been to drop the new partner and focus on fixing the long-term relationship. I am giving serious dating a break (outside of fooling around with some friends-with-benefits), and as of right now I don't see marriage (or life partnership, as we called ours) a realistic prospect. Like with having kids (an idea I've warmed up to), I'm sure my opinion can change with time. If nothing else, I have a lot of lessons learnt from this, along with a healthy list of yellow/red flags for compatibility.
I am unsure whether I will remain in the U.S. beyond 2019, regardless of whether the conditional green card renewal goes in my favor or not. Most of my friends are here, including some I hold extremely dear... But my family misses me, and I do want my niece to know me growing up, and to be able to help my brother with raising her, and my parents as they age. Ideally I'll find a way to spend at least 2-3 months out of the year over there. The 1 month of WfH over yonder is a test drive with my company to see how they feel about letting it be a regular occurrence.
Sorry about the rambliness of the writing, I don't feel like editing too much or I'll just delete it all (wouldn't be the first time).
#2
strawman
strawman
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, but very glad you’re still with us and that things are improving!
You seem to have a pretty good plan for moving forward, I have no advice to offer, but I appreciate you sharing and I hope you feel comfortable continuing to share and ask for help when you need it.
You seem to have a pretty good plan for moving forward, I have no advice to offer, but I appreciate you sharing and I hope you feel comfortable continuing to share and ask for help when you need it.
#3
jwhouk
jwhouk
You can always adopt another cat.
#4
Denbrought
Denbrought
Yeah, I'll probably keep this thread as a place to throw how I'm feeling in relation to this. Asking for help was a surprisingly hard step, but I have been amazed at the kindness of (most) people in my life.
I've considered adopting another cat, but for now I'll let that idea lie. I'm still in a mourning period regarding her. A small part of me hopes that my ex will fuck up badly (and swallow her pride enough) to ask me to come get Mixa... But I haven't been able to model/anticipate her actions for months, so for all I know she'd rather adopt her out than have her back with me. What I mostly hope for is that she leads a happy life, and that her allergies are caused by something found in GA and not in CO, so she stops needing her steroids.
In any case, Alistar is nearing 10 years of age, and I don't want to rush into a living situation that makes him uncomfortable. I also don't want to adopt any new pets before the immigration situation is resolved, as moving two cats overseas would be a logistical quagmire. There is a vague possibility of three of my best friends and I living together starting late 2019, and they have two cats I'm fairly fond of, so that may be how that hole gets filled.
I've considered adopting another cat, but for now I'll let that idea lie. I'm still in a mourning period regarding her. A small part of me hopes that my ex will fuck up badly (and swallow her pride enough) to ask me to come get Mixa... But I haven't been able to model/anticipate her actions for months, so for all I know she'd rather adopt her out than have her back with me. What I mostly hope for is that she leads a happy life, and that her allergies are caused by something found in GA and not in CO, so she stops needing her steroids.
In any case, Alistar is nearing 10 years of age, and I don't want to rush into a living situation that makes him uncomfortable. I also don't want to adopt any new pets before the immigration situation is resolved, as moving two cats overseas would be a logistical quagmire. There is a vague possibility of three of my best friends and I living together starting late 2019, and they have two cats I'm fairly fond of, so that may be how that hole gets filled.
#5
Denbrought
Denbrought
She unfriended me on all social media at some point today (except on tumblr, they blocked me there), so I took that as my cue to make it "Facebook official." At least this means I won't be constantly breaking the news to people as I see them, which is a bit exhausting.
What I probably hate most about this whole divorce is that the way it happened has tainted all my happy memories with her. Like an illusion was broken, and all I can see is a wretch next to me in my memories. I hope it fades away with time, because I know those times were genuinely happy, and the person I divorced is not the one I loved.
What I probably hate most about this whole divorce is that the way it happened has tainted all my happy memories with her. Like an illusion was broken, and all I can see is a wretch next to me in my memories. I hope it fades away with time, because I know those times were genuinely happy, and the person I divorced is not the one I loved.
#6
GasBandit
GasBandit
Buddy I feel you so much.She unfriended me on all social media at some point today (except on tumblr, they blocked me there), so I took that as my cue to make it "Facebook official." At least this means I won't be constantly breaking the news to people as I see them, which is a bit exhausting.
What I probably hate most about this whole divorce is that the way it happened has tainted all my happy memories with her. Like an illusion was broken, and all I can see is a wretch next to me in my memories. I hope it fades away with time, because I know those times were genuinely happy, and the person I divorced is not the one I loved.
#7
drawn_inward
drawn_inward
Damn Denbrought. Glad you persevered. Hope you have a great time in Spain!! That WtH stuff might be isolating. Can you work in an office a few day a week to keep you in the mix?
Also, why don't you drive?
I am hoping for good things for you. Make this new chapter in your life a good one!
Also, why don't you drive?
I am hoping for good things for you. Make this new chapter in your life a good one!
#8
Denbrought
I drove motorcycles for a while, but developed... anticipatory anxiety about dying? That's the main reason I didn't fix my motorcycle when a coworker knocked it over, as it gave me an excuse not to drive. My ex-wife got a car drivers' license immediately after that anyway, so 'driving' switched from being my responsibility to hers (it was her main job in the household, so to speak). All my employers have always been within walking/biking distance from wherever I lived (intentionally). Now that she's gone I just have to get over it, I have a few friends that will help me get practice in.
Thanks, that's the intention. Been attempting to double-down on fixing what annoys me about myself. I'm behaving in a far more outgoing manner, I'm actively fighting my hoarding instincts, the house is the cleanest it's been since we moved in, and I'm slowly identifying and applying long-term fixes to the aspects of my life that were co-dependent/enabled by her.
Denbrought
I work from home full time, have been for 2+ years. It was hard to adapt (most of my prior job experience had been front-line IT with lots of face interactions), but it has grown my self-discipline by leaps and bounds, while forcing me to keep my "social" and "work" lives separate. If I feel isolated I coordinate with 1-2 friends that do occasional WfH and we all work from the same location for a day. In Spain I'll have my parents at home (one's retired, the other will be on school vacation), and/or I can go rent a hot desk at a Barcelona coworking space for like $10/day.Damn Denbrought. Glad you persevered. Hope you have a great time in Spain!! That WtH stuff might be isolating. Can you work in an office a few day a week to keep you in the mix?
Also, why don't you drive?
I am hoping for good things for you. Make this new chapter in your life a good one!
I drove motorcycles for a while, but developed... anticipatory anxiety about dying? That's the main reason I didn't fix my motorcycle when a coworker knocked it over, as it gave me an excuse not to drive. My ex-wife got a car drivers' license immediately after that anyway, so 'driving' switched from being my responsibility to hers (it was her main job in the household, so to speak). All my employers have always been within walking/biking distance from wherever I lived (intentionally). Now that she's gone I just have to get over it, I have a few friends that will help me get practice in.
Thanks, that's the intention. Been attempting to double-down on fixing what annoys me about myself. I'm behaving in a far more outgoing manner, I'm actively fighting my hoarding instincts, the house is the cleanest it's been since we moved in, and I'm slowly identifying and applying long-term fixes to the aspects of my life that were co-dependent/enabled by her.
#9
Tinwhistler
Tinwhistler
Splitting up sucks.
I'm glad you're taking the opportunity to make positive changes in your life.
I'm glad you're taking the opportunity to make positive changes in your life.
#10
Denbrought
Denbrought
Made the mistake of checking my ex's new partner's profile. She is referred to as 'fiance'. Considering the span of time involved, this bothers me an inordinately amount. It's a good indicator that I'm nowhere near fucking over this, and it further taints our engagement.
Home rearranging is progressing slow but steady. Master bedroom and living room are done, they now feel like wholly new rooms (as in, my brain isn't associating the space with any prior memories). I'll probably put some pictures up once I get the wall art hung (did some frame shopping with friends yesterday). Moving my office setup to the former computer/rec room is the next step, then dining room/kitchen. Don't think I'll get all this done before the trip, but I hope I can make good headway.
Home rearranging is progressing slow but steady. Master bedroom and living room are done, they now feel like wholly new rooms (as in, my brain isn't associating the space with any prior memories). I'll probably put some pictures up once I get the wall art hung (did some frame shopping with friends yesterday). Moving my office setup to the former computer/rec room is the next step, then dining room/kitchen. Don't think I'll get all this done before the trip, but I hope I can make good headway.
#11
Dave
Dave
Never check an ex's profile. Never ever. Never ever never ever.
#12
blotsfan
blotsfan
I don't think anything has had a more positive impact on my life post-breakup than this decision. I won't even unfriend her because that'd require going to her profile. Now it is just as if she is dead.Never check an ex's profile. Never ever. Never ever never ever.
#13
IronBrig4
IronBrig4
I have a friend who split up with his fiancee of five years but they thought they could be friends on social media. Just several weeks after that, he started going out with someone else and made it Facebook official. She must have felt BURNED when she checked out his profile.
#14
PatrThom
--Patrick
PatrThom
Considering the span of time involved, she was probably expecting you to check her profile.Made the mistake of checking my ex's new partner's profile. She is referred to as 'fiance'. Considering the span of time involved, this bothers me an inordinately amount.
--Patrick
#15
Denbrought
I do find it charming that she updated her location on FL shortly after moving, while leaving Facebook (and by extension most everyone) in the dark about her fleeing the state. Priorities
Denbrought
Hmmh, I don't think so. She removed me from all other social media, I think she honestly forgot I have an account on Fetlife (I have had very little use for it, outside of being able to look at the posts/pics that friends link me on Telegram), and I had forgotten about hers until I saw it on the dashboard. Clicked through, and saw his.Considering the span of time involved, she was probably expecting you to check her profile.
--Patrick
I do find it charming that she updated her location on FL shortly after moving, while leaving Facebook (and by extension most everyone) in the dark about her fleeing the state. Priorities
#16
Denbrought
Denbrought
To give an update (this is a blog thread, after all)...
Still living with my one cat in the same house. I've destroyed, trashed, or donated most of her former possessions, and a good bit of mine. I'm making good progress on cleaning up the living spaces, though clutter has crept in over the past 2 months. My social life has picked up a lot, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to not having the weekend free time to make serious progress--switching to "a half hour here and there" mode is very unintuitive to me. I still can't drive
My mental health hasn't been the greatest over the past month. The immigration lawyer I've contracted gave me a fairly comprehensive list of evidence to gather. That has meant doing a post-mortem of my 6-year relationship, combing through all my physical and electronic records, finding and cataloging all of our pictures together, and so on. This is evidently not good, as it's made me revisit a lot of memories in detail (the accompanying nightmares are not great either). I've also asked several friends (including her parents) to write affidavits of support to include with the application, which means I've gotten to read a bunch of people's recollection of our relationship and breakup. Doesn't help that my company is going through a merger (with surprise layoffs included), so my working hours have gotten a bucket of FUD poured on them. The one bright thing is I'm practically done with the immigration submission--I'm waiting on some affidavits, but all other information has been sent to the law firm for them to compile and submit.
My physical upkeep is mediocre. I'm still not exercising (I need to figure out why I'm shying away from it so much), and my weight loss has stalled due to all the social/event/celebration meals around this time of year. I'm at least at a state of being where my body isn't causing me distress. My back pain remains gone, and I can look in the mirror. I drink sparingly (and, if not accompanied, limited to about 1-2 beers a month), and eat decently healthy foods at home. Since I'm only cooking for myself though, I'm getting to indulge in some of my "rote" urges (e.g. my food calendar says I've had the same lunch 8 of the past 11 days)--but I'm mitigating that by making healthy bulk meals (so it's not just, say, rice and tuna like in my college days). My sleep quality is better than during the divorce, but worse than before it--less rested from sleeping, harder to fall asleep, etc.
I'm not sure what I'm doing beyond 2019 still. Tentative life plans for next year include finding a place to live with my 3 closest friends (since our cats get along, and we all get along) starting September, visiting home at least once (my passport and government ID are expiring in December, so there'll be a Christmas visit if nothing else), and hopefully pick back up some (maybe all?) of the things in my life that made me happier: arts/crafts, programming for fun, SCA, exercise...
Not dating anyone, as planned, though I have gone on a date, and fooled around with three people (one seems to want to see me as relationship material, which is flattering but I'm not remotely ready). I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life, which is the bigger issue in my mind. She was too big a piece of what I wanted to build. My complete lack of spiritual wellness is probably biting me in the ass, and something I'm looking to improve on.
Still living with my one cat in the same house. I've destroyed, trashed, or donated most of her former possessions, and a good bit of mine. I'm making good progress on cleaning up the living spaces, though clutter has crept in over the past 2 months. My social life has picked up a lot, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to not having the weekend free time to make serious progress--switching to "a half hour here and there" mode is very unintuitive to me. I still can't drive
My mental health hasn't been the greatest over the past month. The immigration lawyer I've contracted gave me a fairly comprehensive list of evidence to gather. That has meant doing a post-mortem of my 6-year relationship, combing through all my physical and electronic records, finding and cataloging all of our pictures together, and so on. This is evidently not good, as it's made me revisit a lot of memories in detail (the accompanying nightmares are not great either). I've also asked several friends (including her parents) to write affidavits of support to include with the application, which means I've gotten to read a bunch of people's recollection of our relationship and breakup. Doesn't help that my company is going through a merger (with surprise layoffs included), so my working hours have gotten a bucket of FUD poured on them. The one bright thing is I'm practically done with the immigration submission--I'm waiting on some affidavits, but all other information has been sent to the law firm for them to compile and submit.
My physical upkeep is mediocre. I'm still not exercising (I need to figure out why I'm shying away from it so much), and my weight loss has stalled due to all the social/event/celebration meals around this time of year. I'm at least at a state of being where my body isn't causing me distress. My back pain remains gone, and I can look in the mirror. I drink sparingly (and, if not accompanied, limited to about 1-2 beers a month), and eat decently healthy foods at home. Since I'm only cooking for myself though, I'm getting to indulge in some of my "rote" urges (e.g. my food calendar says I've had the same lunch 8 of the past 11 days)--but I'm mitigating that by making healthy bulk meals (so it's not just, say, rice and tuna like in my college days). My sleep quality is better than during the divorce, but worse than before it--less rested from sleeping, harder to fall asleep, etc.
I'm not sure what I'm doing beyond 2019 still. Tentative life plans for next year include finding a place to live with my 3 closest friends (since our cats get along, and we all get along) starting September, visiting home at least once (my passport and government ID are expiring in December, so there'll be a Christmas visit if nothing else), and hopefully pick back up some (maybe all?) of the things in my life that made me happier: arts/crafts, programming for fun, SCA, exercise...
Not dating anyone, as planned, though I have gone on a date, and fooled around with three people (one seems to want to see me as relationship material, which is flattering but I'm not remotely ready). I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life, which is the bigger issue in my mind. She was too big a piece of what I wanted to build. My complete lack of spiritual wellness is probably biting me in the ass, and something I'm looking to improve on.