I don't feel like throwing this into a blog or the whine thread, so y'all can have it here. This is what I've been vaguely referencing these past few months in Whine/Rant, so consider this a summation of what I should've been posting but didn't feel comfortable or able to share. This is an abbreviated version, as a more complete account would require far more disclosure and writing than I feel like doing.
TL;DR; Divorced, lost a cat in the process, picking up the pieces.
My wife started dating a long-time long-distance friend of hers in November, who seemed fine at a distance (we played videogames together) but that I found utterly detestable in person. Their relationship escalated in ways I was uncomfortable with, and our marriage suffered as a result. In all fairness, our marriage had already been in a very slow decline due to the monotony of daily life and some lifestyle differences (she felt I was unresponsive, objectifying, and infantilizing her. I resented her constant pot use and refusal to get a job or therapy for the depression we agreed she has/had), but it was by no means beyond any point of no return.
Our trip to Spain was fraught with friction and issues, and when we came back home in January, the new partner had moved down to GA to be closer to her (and crashed on our couch for what was supposed to be a temporary stay). She stopped sleeping in our bed, and started sleeping in the living room. His truck broke, so she started driving him to/from work ("until the truck is fixed", which quite literally never happened), meaning he stayed at our place. At this point we drifted apart at a fairly quick pace. She stopped wanting to do anything social with me, which (since she was the only driver in the household) meant that both of our D&D games, SCA activities, and boardgame nights stopped. She filled her time with dates and activities with the new partner, and I was left isolated at home.
My mental state heavily deteriorated as hers improved (she determined that I was the cause of her depression, and/or this new partner was the cure), I started heavily drinking, and I got the closest to suicide I have been since my immigration-related unemployment stint 3 years ago. Ali wouldn't stop bothering me while I set up the noose, and I decided to message a friend and tell them what had been going on (up to here I had not told a soul of what was going on). They helped keep me centered for that night and through the weeks that followed.
We stopped talking except to fight or get in each other's way. They turned the living room into a blanket fort for privacy (did not dampen the sounds of smoking and fucking, sadly). In late February she told me I needed to start dating her, so to speak, if I wanted her back. We tried going on a date, but it was awkward and I apparently looked sad the entire time. At the end of March she told she wanted him to be her primary partner, and that she thought her and I could not be romantically involved for now (or for a while), but that she still saw (and wanted) me as her life partner. I expressed how hurtful this was, that cuckoldry was not a fetish of mine, and that maybe a divorce would be best--despite how much this would potentially fuck my ability to remain in the country. Had I chosen to accept the situation I'm guessing I would've hung myself by now.
We pissed off each other further, and in mid-April she asked me for divorce after she realized she couldn't see us be romantic ever again with all that had happened. It was a very cathartic discussion, and I realized that I did not know this person anymore. The woman I married is either gone or didn't exist to begin with. Her and the new partner resolved to move to Colorado (since pot's legal). Divorce was filed on the first of May, they moved out on the 23rd of May, and the divorce was finalized mid last week. She gets $10k from me, her Corolla, and Mixa (tortieshell cat). I kept Alistar (toothless tabby) our daily driver Nissan, and most of our furniture/possessions (they moved 2 people with the Corolla and a 4x8x8 uHaul trailer, so a lot got left behind). She left without telling many people (the divorce hasn't been made public), so I've been breaking it in person as it comes up (I'm letting her be the one to announce it on all other social media, since she's the one that moved 1300 miles).
Since they moved out I've been spending my evenings cleaning the place, throwing away things or boxing them for yardsale/Goodwill (we both have hoarder tendencies). I'm slowly redecorating and redesigning the living spaces as I clean them up. I've adopted fairly good routines, though my diet and exercise have taken a backseat (willpower depletion is real). I'm going to Catalonia for 1.5 months this summer (2 week vacation and 5 weeks of WfH there) so I can spend time with my family, rest and heal. I feel far better than I have in a long time. I had been holding onto of niggling issues, and it's all gone. I get to keep almost all of our mutual friends (many of whom feel betrayed by this situation), the financial hit is surviveable (she got my emergency fund and the beginning of our downpayment fund), specially considering I'm now only looking after myself and Ali. I really miss Mixa, it feels like she died, but at least I'm not breaking down crying when I think about her anymore.
I had some friends over today to help me shuffle the living room and bedroom around to make them feel my own (and replace furniture they took). I'll probably move my gaming computer setup to the master bedroom, and turn my computer room into my WfH office (instead of having my office in the breakfast nook).
I need to look for an immigration lawyer (I have self-filed everything this past decade, but this is a thorny situation and I want help), learn how to drive a car, and finish examining all that is in the house (I'd estimate I'm 30-40% through).
Overall, I intend to remain non-exclusive, specially given every actively poly person I've spoken with said their reaction to this situation would've been to drop the new partner and focus on fixing the long-term relationship. I am giving serious dating a break (outside of fooling around with some friends-with-benefits), and as of right now I don't see marriage (or life partnership, as we called ours) a realistic prospect. Like with having kids (an idea I've warmed up to), I'm sure my opinion can change with time. If nothing else, I have a lot of lessons learnt from this, along with a healthy list of yellow/red flags for compatibility.
I am unsure whether I will remain in the U.S. beyond 2019, regardless of whether the conditional green card renewal goes in my favor or not. Most of my friends are here, including some I hold extremely dear... But my family misses me, and I do want my niece to know me growing up, and to be able to help my brother with raising her, and my parents as they age. Ideally I'll find a way to spend at least 2-3 months out of the year over there. The 1 month of WfH over yonder is a test drive with my company to see how they feel about letting it be a regular occurrence.
Sorry about the rambliness of the writing, I don't feel like editing too much or I'll just delete it all (wouldn't be the first time).
TL;DR; Divorced, lost a cat in the process, picking up the pieces.
My wife started dating a long-time long-distance friend of hers in November, who seemed fine at a distance (we played videogames together) but that I found utterly detestable in person. Their relationship escalated in ways I was uncomfortable with, and our marriage suffered as a result. In all fairness, our marriage had already been in a very slow decline due to the monotony of daily life and some lifestyle differences (she felt I was unresponsive, objectifying, and infantilizing her. I resented her constant pot use and refusal to get a job or therapy for the depression we agreed she has/had), but it was by no means beyond any point of no return.
Our trip to Spain was fraught with friction and issues, and when we came back home in January, the new partner had moved down to GA to be closer to her (and crashed on our couch for what was supposed to be a temporary stay). She stopped sleeping in our bed, and started sleeping in the living room. His truck broke, so she started driving him to/from work ("until the truck is fixed", which quite literally never happened), meaning he stayed at our place. At this point we drifted apart at a fairly quick pace. She stopped wanting to do anything social with me, which (since she was the only driver in the household) meant that both of our D&D games, SCA activities, and boardgame nights stopped. She filled her time with dates and activities with the new partner, and I was left isolated at home.
My mental state heavily deteriorated as hers improved (she determined that I was the cause of her depression, and/or this new partner was the cure), I started heavily drinking, and I got the closest to suicide I have been since my immigration-related unemployment stint 3 years ago. Ali wouldn't stop bothering me while I set up the noose, and I decided to message a friend and tell them what had been going on (up to here I had not told a soul of what was going on). They helped keep me centered for that night and through the weeks that followed.
We stopped talking except to fight or get in each other's way. They turned the living room into a blanket fort for privacy (did not dampen the sounds of smoking and fucking, sadly). In late February she told me I needed to start dating her, so to speak, if I wanted her back. We tried going on a date, but it was awkward and I apparently looked sad the entire time. At the end of March she told she wanted him to be her primary partner, and that she thought her and I could not be romantically involved for now (or for a while), but that she still saw (and wanted) me as her life partner. I expressed how hurtful this was, that cuckoldry was not a fetish of mine, and that maybe a divorce would be best--despite how much this would potentially fuck my ability to remain in the country. Had I chosen to accept the situation I'm guessing I would've hung myself by now.
We pissed off each other further, and in mid-April she asked me for divorce after she realized she couldn't see us be romantic ever again with all that had happened. It was a very cathartic discussion, and I realized that I did not know this person anymore. The woman I married is either gone or didn't exist to begin with. Her and the new partner resolved to move to Colorado (since pot's legal). Divorce was filed on the first of May, they moved out on the 23rd of May, and the divorce was finalized mid last week. She gets $10k from me, her Corolla, and Mixa (tortieshell cat). I kept Alistar (toothless tabby) our daily driver Nissan, and most of our furniture/possessions (they moved 2 people with the Corolla and a 4x8x8 uHaul trailer, so a lot got left behind). She left without telling many people (the divorce hasn't been made public), so I've been breaking it in person as it comes up (I'm letting her be the one to announce it on all other social media, since she's the one that moved 1300 miles).
Since they moved out I've been spending my evenings cleaning the place, throwing away things or boxing them for yardsale/Goodwill (we both have hoarder tendencies). I'm slowly redecorating and redesigning the living spaces as I clean them up. I've adopted fairly good routines, though my diet and exercise have taken a backseat (willpower depletion is real). I'm going to Catalonia for 1.5 months this summer (2 week vacation and 5 weeks of WfH there) so I can spend time with my family, rest and heal. I feel far better than I have in a long time. I had been holding onto of niggling issues, and it's all gone. I get to keep almost all of our mutual friends (many of whom feel betrayed by this situation), the financial hit is surviveable (she got my emergency fund and the beginning of our downpayment fund), specially considering I'm now only looking after myself and Ali. I really miss Mixa, it feels like she died, but at least I'm not breaking down crying when I think about her anymore.
I had some friends over today to help me shuffle the living room and bedroom around to make them feel my own (and replace furniture they took). I'll probably move my gaming computer setup to the master bedroom, and turn my computer room into my WfH office (instead of having my office in the breakfast nook).
I need to look for an immigration lawyer (I have self-filed everything this past decade, but this is a thorny situation and I want help), learn how to drive a car, and finish examining all that is in the house (I'd estimate I'm 30-40% through).
Overall, I intend to remain non-exclusive, specially given every actively poly person I've spoken with said their reaction to this situation would've been to drop the new partner and focus on fixing the long-term relationship. I am giving serious dating a break (outside of fooling around with some friends-with-benefits), and as of right now I don't see marriage (or life partnership, as we called ours) a realistic prospect. Like with having kids (an idea I've warmed up to), I'm sure my opinion can change with time. If nothing else, I have a lot of lessons learnt from this, along with a healthy list of yellow/red flags for compatibility.
I am unsure whether I will remain in the U.S. beyond 2019, regardless of whether the conditional green card renewal goes in my favor or not. Most of my friends are here, including some I hold extremely dear... But my family misses me, and I do want my niece to know me growing up, and to be able to help my brother with raising her, and my parents as they age. Ideally I'll find a way to spend at least 2-3 months out of the year over there. The 1 month of WfH over yonder is a test drive with my company to see how they feel about letting it be a regular occurrence.
Sorry about the rambliness of the writing, I don't feel like editing too much or I'll just delete it all (wouldn't be the first time).