Oh I'm two steps ahead of you, buddy.
Godzilla vs Kong
Ok so actual war criminal Millie Bobby Brown is just in high school as if she didn't play a major part of the world's worst disaster since the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs.
We got a deaf girl playing with King Kong but they shot harambee.
And one of our protagonists is a conspiracy nut who doesn't drink tap water because of fluoride and also it's 2021.
OFF TO A GREAT START GUYS!
Lengthy recap :
Ok so War Crimes 11 joins up with Q anon who, sidebar, would for sure have been discovered by Apex for his podcast. Their whole point in the movie is to get us to mechagodzilla so we can have a third act villain. Also a fat kid is there so we have a comic relief and it's not just a grown ass man running around with highschool girl.
Meanwhile on skull Island we have Lady scientist meeting with Dude scientist and they're not sure what to do about Kong because if they let him out of this giant dome they built around him (somehow?!?) Then him and Godzilla will fight and kill one another and that puts an end to this cinematic universe pretty damn quick so can't have that!
So they want to take Kong to Antarctica where they done gone made a hole into the hollow earth because there's a source of energy down there that no one is making money off of, which is the real monster all along.
But humans can't get to hollow earth because....gravity be weird like that. Except apex built a toy merchandise tie in that CAN do gravity so it's time to put a monkey on a big ship and hope for the best!
So at this point we don't have use for team Godzilla so we cram them into a box that can't be opened until the end of the 2nd act.
Kong is on a ship feeling sad and oh yeah can sign words which somehow the scientist who spent the last 10 years of her life studying Kong didn't notice. Godzilla shows up as one does and the two fight. Godzilla wins and knocks Kong out but doesn't kill him, because franchise, but fucking mean mugs him from the water which was hilarious. Like I swear I heard him say "punk ass bitch" as he swam away.
So team Kong has to air lift him because reasons the rest of the way. They get to the hole and King Kong, notoriously bad with falls, fuckin jumps down to the center of the earth and just like... Grabs a ledge before he hits bottom. The two scientists and deaf girl get inside a few UFOs and follow and of course one of the three gets absolutely ganked immediately upon entering hollow earth. Thank god a named character wasn't in that one, huh?
So kong leads him back to his, I shit you not, castle. He finds an ax made of a Godzilla back spike and a bone and Kong has officially reached his final form
So evil corporate lady takes a test tube size sample of this power source and the two protagonist scientists start freaking out "you can't strip mine this!" Like, lady it's a sample. So evil lady does the 2nd dumbest thing in her life and pulls guns on deaf girl literally within eyesight of king Kong. So he freaks out but lucky so do giant bats/buzzards so she makes off with the sample along with the only surviving pilot. Godzilla, meanwhile, sensed all this from hong Kong so he DRILLS TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH WITH HIS ATOMIC BREATH IN MINUTES. Kong and Zilla are looking down at each other from a hole literally thousands of miles long just screaming at each other
"I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"
So evil corporate lady does the 1st dumbest thing in her life and while trying to make for the tunnel to the surface orders the pilot to shoot Kong because he's in the way.
Not go around him or something but shoot him.
So anyway she died. Like immediately after her plot is done they kill her off because we got to cut this budget somewhere!
So kong V Zilla round 2 and long story short Kong wins.
Now, I'll admit I watch these at work and sometimes have to look away to do..work. but in the time it took me to refill the coffee machine round 3 happens and Godzilla wins and king Kong is dying.
Meanwhile team Godzilla finally has something to do and that's immediately get captured after discovering mechagodzilla. Evil corporate guy explains his master plan and they realize that they're using two of the recovered heads of Ghidorah to build and pilot mechagodzilla.
Remember in Pacific Rim, when the scientist drifts with the alien brain and it takes over his mind? That. Exactly that happens. Kong Ghidorah takes over the pilot and is just fully free in mechagodzilla. Mechagodzilla continues to start curb stomping fleshGodzilla.
So the useless scientist who hasn't done shit this whole movie:
1) figures out how to pilot these highly experimental aircrafts they used to get to hallow earth
2) figure out how to Jerry rig it's battery to Kong to shock him back to life.
Because if something is dying from say, a series of lacerations and blunt force trauma you just gotta yell CLEAR! And hit them with some jumper cables to make them better.
So the deaf girl tells Kong that Godzilla, the guy who whooped his ass twice for the fun of it, is a good guy and the real monster was mechagodzilla the whole time.
Kong and skinzilla tag team robozilla and end up just kinda....nodding and screaming at each other. They hate each other but God damnit do they respect each other.
But Kong does drop his axe to show he doesn't want to fight so I'm counting that as a tap out. Godzilla 3 Kong 1.
Deaf girl and eleven stand next to each other despite going the whole movie unaware of the others existence. It's a nice moment.
Cut to Kong in the hallow earth being studied by the scientists and deaf girl despite this being the literally most dangerous place ever.
You could have cut at least 4 characters from this film and lost nothing
Meanwhile on skull Island we have Lady scientist meeting with Dude scientist and they're not sure what to do about Kong because if they let him out of this giant dome they built around him (somehow?!?) Then him and Godzilla will fight and kill one another and that puts an end to this cinematic universe pretty damn quick so can't have that!
So they want to take Kong to Antarctica where they done gone made a hole into the hollow earth because there's a source of energy down there that no one is making money off of, which is the real monster all along.
But humans can't get to hollow earth because....gravity be weird like that. Except apex built a toy merchandise tie in that CAN do gravity so it's time to put a monkey on a big ship and hope for the best!
So at this point we don't have use for team Godzilla so we cram them into a box that can't be opened until the end of the 2nd act.
Kong is on a ship feeling sad and oh yeah can sign words which somehow the scientist who spent the last 10 years of her life studying Kong didn't notice. Godzilla shows up as one does and the two fight. Godzilla wins and knocks Kong out but doesn't kill him, because franchise, but fucking mean mugs him from the water which was hilarious. Like I swear I heard him say "punk ass bitch" as he swam away.
So team Kong has to air lift him because reasons the rest of the way. They get to the hole and King Kong, notoriously bad with falls, fuckin jumps down to the center of the earth and just like... Grabs a ledge before he hits bottom. The two scientists and deaf girl get inside a few UFOs and follow and of course one of the three gets absolutely ganked immediately upon entering hollow earth. Thank god a named character wasn't in that one, huh?
So kong leads him back to his, I shit you not, castle. He finds an ax made of a Godzilla back spike and a bone and Kong has officially reached his final form
So evil corporate lady takes a test tube size sample of this power source and the two protagonist scientists start freaking out "you can't strip mine this!" Like, lady it's a sample. So evil lady does the 2nd dumbest thing in her life and pulls guns on deaf girl literally within eyesight of king Kong. So he freaks out but lucky so do giant bats/buzzards so she makes off with the sample along with the only surviving pilot. Godzilla, meanwhile, sensed all this from hong Kong so he DRILLS TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH WITH HIS ATOMIC BREATH IN MINUTES. Kong and Zilla are looking down at each other from a hole literally thousands of miles long just screaming at each other
"I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"
So evil corporate lady does the 1st dumbest thing in her life and while trying to make for the tunnel to the surface orders the pilot to shoot Kong because he's in the way.
Not go around him or something but shoot him.
So anyway she died. Like immediately after her plot is done they kill her off because we got to cut this budget somewhere!
So kong V Zilla round 2 and long story short Kong wins.
Now, I'll admit I watch these at work and sometimes have to look away to do..work. but in the time it took me to refill the coffee machine round 3 happens and Godzilla wins and king Kong is dying.
Meanwhile team Godzilla finally has something to do and that's immediately get captured after discovering mechagodzilla. Evil corporate guy explains his master plan and they realize that they're using two of the recovered heads of Ghidorah to build and pilot mechagodzilla.
Remember in Pacific Rim, when the scientist drifts with the alien brain and it takes over his mind? That. Exactly that happens. Kong Ghidorah takes over the pilot and is just fully free in mechagodzilla. Mechagodzilla continues to start curb stomping fleshGodzilla.
So the useless scientist who hasn't done shit this whole movie:
1) figures out how to pilot these highly experimental aircrafts they used to get to hallow earth
2) figure out how to Jerry rig it's battery to Kong to shock him back to life.
Because if something is dying from say, a series of lacerations and blunt force trauma you just gotta yell CLEAR! And hit them with some jumper cables to make them better.
So the deaf girl tells Kong that Godzilla, the guy who whooped his ass twice for the fun of it, is a good guy and the real monster was mechagodzilla the whole time.
Kong and skinzilla tag team robozilla and end up just kinda....nodding and screaming at each other. They hate each other but God damnit do they respect each other.
But Kong does drop his axe to show he doesn't want to fight so I'm counting that as a tap out. Godzilla 3 Kong 1.
Deaf girl and eleven stand next to each other despite going the whole movie unaware of the others existence. It's a nice moment.
Cut to Kong in the hallow earth being studied by the scientists and deaf girl despite this being the literally most dangerous place ever.
You could have cut at least 4 characters from this film and lost nothing
