Totally didn't go back into lurker mode I swear.... Oh and Icarus Syndrome?

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C

Cobra Star

So yeah, life has been crazy:

Moved to this new city with my brother (well mostly, alot of my stuff from my previous house is in boxes at my parents, I mostly just have the neceisities here) and we're still looking for a 4 bedroom (one for me, one for him and his gf, one for my son and one for my daughter).

I was going to start Tech school this June but with things in the hectic limbo they are, I had to push back to September. I have my new job starting at the end of this month/early next month. I am still in the process of finding us a place and everything feels like it's in limbo. I can't really DO much right now.

I'm going back and forth from here and my parents place as well (My kids are staying with them this summer till I have the house + job situated) That's a 4 1/2hr drive. So that takes up weekends usually.

With everything going crazy the one thing that really caught me off guard is that I met someone. As I stated in my AMA thread: http://www.halforums.com/forum/show...e-Lurker-First-Time-Poster.-Regular-Now-Maybe. I have always had problems with my relationships because I never really was honest with myself over what I wanted in a relationship and always settled with contentment instead of happiness.

Well this girl is completely different than anyone I've seen before. Right off the bat she's a gamer (casual, mostly Wii/Mario with a little WoW tossed in) but she's still in the "mindset". She loves anime (even attends cons) and fantasy/sci-fi as a whole. I can be myself around her completely and I've never felt happier while spending time with someone.

So what's the problem? *insert effeminate Elvis here*
She's 9yrs younger than me. (She's 20 turning 21 and I just hit 29) That's the big one.
There are other minor issues:
She's short and not fat but not skinny. (I used to be pretty superficial, if someone wasn't fit/hot I wouldn't even give them the time of day and all my previous relationships were with smoking hot women. It's not really an issue since I went into this with knowing her attitude before her looks).
While she does love the same things I do ie: Anime/gaming/movies. They tend to be more around her age group. (Inuyasha, Vampire Stuff, Animal Crossing, etc).
She also has a small speech impediment that she's had since she was a child, though she really got it to a stable controlled situation now (Sometimes she pronounces her Rs as Ws: The Wat got in the cuboawds)
She doesn't have alot of relationship experience. (Only dated 2 guys before me and one was a 4yr relationship)
She's not "feminine" almost at all. She usually wears shorts with rips in them, a T-Shirt and flip flops. With her hair in a pony tail and no make-up. (Again this was mostly a "getting used to it" kind of thing as all my previous relationships were with "high maintience" girls)

While I know those things are superficial and I did get past them (Some even work in my favor like the inexperience to dating gives me a chance to "not fuck this one up"), they are hurdles none the less. Though when we lay down at night, watching a movie or TV show.... none of those things seem to matter. Just being around her makes me feel happier than I ever did in the long term relationships I was in before. We've only been dating about 2 weeks, but I can already see more potential in her than I ever did in my past....

Halforums, opinions?
 
David

David

Cobra Star said:
those things are superficial and I did get past them...
Just being around her makes me feel happier than I ever did in the long term relationships I was in before. We've only been dating about 2 weeks, but I can already see more potential in her than I ever did in my past....
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Than I fail to see a problem. Full speed ahead!
 
C

Cobra Star

That's how I feel about it. The "issues" are more of just a ridiculous nagging thought in the back of my mind. Ie: Will my family like her due to her age. Will I ever have to defend her against idiots who make fun of her. Should I try and get her to change her eating/dressing habits or be happy with the way she is etc.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Enjoy her for who she is. If she isn't overly feminine most of the time who cares? Does she mind dressing up on occasion? Score!

Just don't try and change her as she sounds like a lot of fun, comfortable with who she is (which is a HUGE THING!) and likes you back for who you are! You are asking about how to go out with a fun, low-maintenance woman?!? Dude! Have fun!
 
ThatGrinningIdiot!

ThatGrinningIdiot!

Cobra Star said:
That's how I feel about it. The "issues" are more of just a ridiculous nagging thought in the back of my mind. Ie: Will my family like her due to her age. Will I ever have to defend her against idiots who make fun of her. Should I try and get her to change her eating/dressing habits or be happy with the way she is etc.
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You can encourage her to develop new tastes, but to imply that you can change her as though she were a dress up doll . . . .

Edit: Listen to Dave, his wisdom is sound as it is ancient. :p
 
Null

Null

She's 20, you have kids. You have responsibilities, she has anime conventions. I'm not saying it's doomed, I'm just saying that you've got more complications to your life, so just enjoy this for what it is and don't put any expectations on it.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Null said:
She's 20, you have kids. You have responsibilities, she has anime conventions. I'm not saying it's doomed, I'm just saying that you've got more complications to your life, so just enjoy this for what it is and don't put any expectations on it.
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Negative Nancy!

Dude, my wife is 5 years my junior and it's perfectly fine. If that's the only thing about them that is incompatible then they'll be just fine.
 
drawn_inward

drawn_inward

Dave;400744][QUOTE=Null said:
She's 20, you have kids. You have responsibilities, she has anime conventions. I'm not saying it's doomed, I'm just saying that you've got more complications to your life, so just enjoy this for what it is and don't put any expectations on it.
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Negative Nancy!

Dude, my wife is 5 years my junior and it's perfectly fine. If that's the only thing about them that is incompatible then they'll be just fine.[/QUOTE]

The age gap isn't the problem, it's the life experiences. Cobra has experienced a shit-ton of stuff in life: marriage, kids, divorce (twice right?), living adulthood, etc. This girl is young, not experienced in life. To take on Cobra is to take on kids and serious commitment right away.

I don't know if you are soliciting advice, but here's some if you want it or not. Get your life straight, brother. You've got kids not living with their parents. You don't have a stable home. You're not sure about education. I hope at least your job is stable. And, on top of this you're worried about some tail?? Find a soulmate? She gets you b/c you're a gamer? Man up and take care those kids and quit worrying about your needs.
 
W

Wasabi Poptart

I don't think Null's comment is so much about the age difference, but about the difference in their lives. A carefree 20 year old woman might not want to be saddled with the responsibility of raising 2 children who are not her own (granted, this relationship is only 2 weeks old, but this is assuming it continues into more serious territory). There is a difference between a 20 year old who seemingly has a lot of freedom and a 29 year old with quite a bit of responsibilities to consider.
 
North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Staff member
I'm 27, and my girlfriend is 19. The creepy bit is that she's only three years older than my niece. But I've gotten over that. Though I still feeld old, realizing that the little baby girl I once held in my arms, the hyperactive little ray of sunshine who always hugged my leg when I came over is now almost adult. But that's a whole 'nother fettle of kish.

Dude, seriously. If she makes you happy, be happy with her.
 
C

Chibibar

ok. First things first.

Cobra: you gotta fix your situation first. Get your home and work stable. If you want to go out with this girl, let her know of your situation. She has to know/understand that you are in a "rut/bind" right now and a single parent. Honesty is really needed, sure her life experience is "low" but you be surprise how much life experience may have. Don't assume that she is 20 that she doesn't have life experience.
 
Null

Null

Wasabi Poptart said:
I don't think Null's comment is so much about the age difference, but about the difference in their lives. A carefree 20 year old woman might not want to be saddled with the responsibility of raising 2 children who are not her own (granted, this relationship is only 2 weeks old, but this is assuming it continues into more serious territory). There is a difference between a 20 year old who seemingly has a lot of freedom and a 29 year old with quite a bit of responsibilities to consider.
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Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm talking about. The age isn't the thing, the complications are. If you were both unencumbered, then it would be fine. That is not the situation here.
 
C

Cobra Star

Ok maybe I made my living situation sound worse than it is so I'll clarify:

My kids spend EVERY summer with their grandparents. June with my parents and July with my ex's parents. This isn't because "I can't handle them". It also gave me the opportunity I needed to find a good place for them, instead of putting them in the apartment I'm staying at with my brother (which is more than roomy if I did).
I'm very "sure" about school. School is not "in a chaotic point", it simply doesn't fit into my current schedule of work + moving. (it will in the next semester start: Sept)
I wasn't even "looking for tail/soulmate" this girl found me (at a comic book shop my brother took me to visit and we hit it off from there.)
As for burdening her with my kids? That remains to be seen. When she became aware of my situation (she knows what I've been through and my current situation, I've been honest from day one about it all) she was very accepting and immediately began asking me questions about them, wanting to know more about them and showing general interest in that side of my life as well as the one she was getting to know. (I did let her know that I had no intentions of introducing them to a new "mommy" any time soon and she understood)

Financially I'm very stable, I left my old living area with plenty of money to hold me over and make sure my kids have everything they need on a day to day basis (even though my parents/ex's parents provide them with more than enough while they're visiting). I've been single almost a year so I don't have any "relationship drama" following me around. So my life is pretty "straight" as it can be and on the right track (following my 5 and 10yr plan accordingly).

--

Few other things. I'm not trying to "change" her, it was simply the kind of insignificant things that kept going through my mind as I was trying to adjust to the way she is. Like I said, I really have never been with someone like this and it almost feels "too easy". I keep waiting for the "loltrap!" to spring but she's told me some of the bigger downfalls in her life already and I think this really might be "real".
I'm also not interested in "burdening her" with my kids. I have always been the main caretaker of my kids, even when I was in relationships with their mother and my ex. If she accepts them and they accept her? Great. She's not "mom", she's "dad's girlfriend". Simple as that.

While saying all this, I DO appreciate all the advice coming my way, both positive and critical. Just thought I'd clear up some misconceptions

Jigglymuff said:
who are you? All these people with their name changes my gosh
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I'm Cobra Star. You on the other hand, were El Juski.
 
C

Chibibar

heh.. I'm still Chibibar. Life is never easy, but sometimes the forces that be MIGHT throw you a bone or two. I say, enjoy the moment but with honesty. Let her know the situation so there won't be surprises :)

She sounds like a lot of fun and low maintenance :) a winner!
 
E

Element 117

This is one of those times when I think I should just take people's advice and not open my mouth, because this is going to sound colder than I intend it. But rest easy that it's only my opinion, and I'm often [STRIKE]always[/STRIKE] wrong

politely, you should end the dating as gently as you can, if you wish to retain her friendship. Referencing her appearance, the speech impediment, and the age difference as hurdles indicates to me you don't really know who she actually is as a person enough to determine what the real hurdles would be. It takes a while to get a feel for someone's personality, which will be where the biggest hurdles are, rather than the five minute glance at the as you put it, superficial aspects. If you did not have kids, this would not be an issue, really, just a fun learning experience, but children add all kinds of angles to things previously unconsidered.
 
Null

Null

Well, Cobster, at least you asked at an internet forum where very few, if any, knows you that well, or has any familiarity with your current light-o'love. Just the people you should trust for advice you won't take anyway.
 
Krisken

Krisken

Honestly, the only people who can decide if you two are right for each other are you and her. Any advice from us wouldn't be on a limited amount of information, no matter how much you tell us. We also don't have her perspective on the relationship and what she hopes to get out of it.

However it turns out, good luck :)
 
E

Element 117

Krisken said:
Honestly, the only people who can decide if you two are right for each other are you and her. Any advice from us wouldn't be on a limited amount of information, no matter how much you tell us. We also don't have her perspective on the relationship and what she hopes to get out of it.

However it turns out, good luck :)
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damn your moderate voice of reason you smuggler scum! May you develop lupus!
 
Null

Null

The doctors thought Rob, owner/chief editor of 4WFG had lupus. Turns out it was just neuropathy, which is thankfully responding quite well to treatment and physical therapy.
 
C

Cobra Star

There seems to be another misunderstanding here. I asked for "opinions" not "advice" :p

Also I think people misread the initial post again. I did not say her looks are my current "hang-up" I said they were the things that initially itched at me. It was something "new" not "off-putting". I'm quite passed those issues and enjoying myself on a daily basis.

As a matter of fact, she's over here right now, playing WoW in the same room my brother and GF are. :)

I do think I made it clear about my children's involvment in an earlier post as well. I wonder what I'm doing wrong that's causing consistant misunderstanding.
 
E

Element 117

Sometimes people's opinions include advice, and being nitpicky about that isn't really good form in a thread of this type, but I think further comments are probably unnecessary to me since I inferred that what you're really looking for is confirmation that you're pursuing the proper course of action.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
Poster beware: Opinion threads are often cluttered up with unsolicited advice. :p It's just what happens. Take what you know doesn't apply to you with a grain of salt, I guess. Have fun if you like her. See what happens.
 
LittleSin

LittleSin

STOP. Please oh please stop with the excessive use of quotation marks.

"Seriously."

- LittleSin, who can get hung up on the little things.
 
Null

Null

Well, dude, if you just wanted to be told you were on the right track and were after congratulations, you should have said so. I don't mind lying to complete strangers I have no real opinion of.
 
Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

I used to have a speech impediment. A couple really. I stuttered, and I did the "w for r" thing as well.

I usually rehearse what I'm going to say a split second before I say it, and that helps the stuttering. I've gotten good enough at it I hardly know I'm doing it now. But if I'm tired, surprised, or you catch me off guard, or I let my mouth outrun my brain, wham, there it is. The w thing slips out every now and then too. It doesn't bug me nearly as much as it used to.

She sounds like a decent gal. I hope things work out.
 
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