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I ask this because in May there was a poll and Americans are pretty confident people. Their poll allowed for a few more animals than Xenforo does, so I did the biggest ones. Left off of MY poll were rat, house cat, goose, medium sized dog, and eagle.

I mean, in an unfair fight, I could beat all of them. Or they could all beat me.
In a fair fight with no tools nor help from the environment, both of us healthy, awake, and unable to run away, I only feel confident I could beat the cobra and possibly the large dog.

--Patrick

The poll was unarmed in an open area. And I doubt anyone's ability to beat a large dog. People do beat cobras, but only because you can "hypnotize" them if you know what you are doing.

Personally, I will vote for none of these. I could take the rat, house cat, and goose. In fact, I KNOW I could do those as I HAVE. Anything other than that, though? Nah.

Dave said:

The poll was unarmed in an open area. And I doubt anyone's ability to beat a large dog. People do beat cobras, but only because you can "hypnotize" them if you know what you are doing.

Personally, I will vote for none of these. I could take the rat, house cat, and goose. In fact, I KNOW I could do those as I HAVE. Anything other than that, though? Nah.

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I have successfully fought off a large dog when one randomly attacked me and my small dog in a park. I ended up going to the ER with a nasty bite on my arm but I still won.

In a survival situation where it's assumed I'm stranded in the wilderness somewhere, obviously I wouldn't want to do this, because while I could probably kill the dog, I'd probably die of an infected wound weeks later

None. I could take zero of those in a fight.

Hell, my kitten and I might have a stalemate. He’s getting big.

Large dog and kangaroo. You would be unable to kill these animals with strikes, you'd have to choke them out. The dog is easy to choke, the kangaroo would be a vicious battle.

HCGLNS said:

Large dog and kangaroo. You would be unable to kill these animals with strikes, you'd have to choke them out. The dog is easy to choke, the kangaroo would be a vicious battle.

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A kangaroo would disembowl you like a Spielberg velociraptor

i only voted large dog but it might only be like a 5 or 6 out of 10 times thing. Maybe less?

It feels like this poll missed an opportunity by not listing 'dog, pig, loaf of bread...'

Part of the reason I included "large dog" in my answer is because the poll people felt like "wolf" had to be its own category, which means that they do not think a wolf counts as a large dog, which means their "large dog" is probably smaller/less dangerous than a "wolf."

--Patrick

Completely unarmed? I think I would barely survive the large dog. Give me a bladed weapon and I could probably take a chimp, maybe a king cobra if I'm lucky. Give me a hunting rifle and I would fancy my chances against all of them except the lion, grizzly, elephant, and even the gorilla would be pretty iffy.

But give me a flamethrower and I am king of the world. And you don't even need a license for those.

BErt said:

A kangaroo would disembowl you like a Spielberg velociraptor
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i only voted large dog but it might only be like a 5 or 6 out of 10 times thing. Maybe less?

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Yeah, I figure by the question asked, I outlive the fight and am declared the winner, then die shortly thereafter.

I am glad that mid sized dogs weren't on the list. Belgian Malinois or Pit Bulls are tougher than large breeds.

I could probably take out a cobra before the venom takes hold. Does that count?

It all depends on the situation, and what you define as "winning".
A big dog who isn't trained for fights? Yeah, I could take him. A big dog trained as attack/guard/etc dog, who knows how to go for the throat? Probably not.

Is the animal aggressive, as in, you're standing between her and her cubs, or they've been starved or taunted/beaten into a frenzy? Or are they jut hanging around and I can get a drop on them? Kangaroo, for example, aren't usually terribly aggressive towards people. If I can walk up to it and get out of talon reach on the side and choke it, I might win. if it's already vigilant and scared or whatever and it comes claws-first? I'm owl kebab. Crocodile, similar deal. If I can go up to it from the side/back and clamp its mouth shut, I'd have a fair shot, probably. If it's in the water and hunting for me, I'm a mid-sized snack.
And anyone claiming to be able to win bare handed and without armor/strong clothes from a lion, elephant or gorilla, has never seen them fight. Each of those can literally take on a car and win.

sixpackshaker said:

I am glad that mid sized dogs weren't on the list. Belgian Malinois or Pit Bulls are tougher than large breeds.

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Shoutout for mentioning my hometown, whoo!
But Belgian Malinois is a weird way of naming them. It's normally a Malinois Shepherd. "Malinois" already says they're from Mechelen (Malines in French), which is in Belgium.

Bubble181 said:

Belgian Malinois is a weird way of naming them.

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Wait'll you hear about greyhounds.

--Patrick

GasBandit said:

Completely unarmed? I think I would barely survive the large dog. Give me a bladed weapon and I could probably take a chimp, maybe a king cobra if I'm lucky. Give me a hunting rifle and I would fancy my chances against all of them except the lion, grizzly, elephant, and even the gorilla would be pretty iffy.

But give me a flamethrower and I am king of the world. And you don't even need a license for those.

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Of course we win with tools, there’s a reason the food chain is what it is.

I want to see this redone like the "thanks" square meme, with "Not You" over the bat.

--Patrick

Ive tried 3 times to rate Patrick’s post correctly and i still think im wrong

GasBandit said:

But give me a flamethrower and I am king of the world.

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Only until @Emrys gets home.

mikerc said:

Only until @Emrys gets home.

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Prince-Consort is sort of like a king, if you squint a little.

I've taken out a cottonmouth before, so I'm confident on the cobra.
I'm less confident about the dog. I'm pretty sure I could take one, but I'd have to sacrifice a forearm to do it.
Chimps? No freaking way. You ever see a hairless chimp?


I've seen enough croc catching vids to know that it can be done easily. But I'm not sure I'd have the skill to do it myself without preparation.

Tinwhistler said:

Chimps? No freaking way. You ever see a hairless chimp?

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I saw that and wondered how many people chose chimps, because these people have absolutely NO IDEA how savage chimps can be, nor how strong they really are.

--Patrick

Cobras are quick, man. I feel like I could take out most large dogs if they were pets, but wild/feral? Probably not. I don't think I fancy my chances against anything other than the dog. I mean, elephants are supposedly fairly docile but even if it didn't fight back, what are we talking about when we say 'beat'? Do I have to kill it? With my hands? Not happening.

I don't want to fight an animal.

Can I beat up a spider? Or a cockroach? I know I can do that!

I would not be able to out-fight any of them, because I am physically out-matched. But as a human being, I would be able to out-smart them!

I can't think of how, yet, but give me a bit of time.

Celt Z said:

I don't want to fight an animal.

Can I beat up a spider? Or a cockroach? I know I can do that!

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For this poll, though, it'd be a really big and hairy spider.

We had a bunch of those at my old office. So gross.

Bubble181 said:

For this poll, though, it'd be a really big and hairy spider.

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--Patrick

At worst me and a king cobra would be a draw. At worst. Even if it bites me, I'm going to smash it to fucking pieces. I know I can deal with dogs. A small kangaroo, maybe, a big kangaroo, lol no. Basically lol no at the rest of the list.

Even the most harmless looking adult chimp could tear your face and dick off faster than you could think. Everything else is a joke. We're not physical matches for any of those.

Anyone ever heard of Roar? The lion option in the poll made me think of it. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083001/?ref_=ttls_li_tt

Chad Sexington said:

Anyone ever heard of Roar? The lion option in the poll made me think of it. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083001/?ref_=ttls_li_tt

Spoiler: Spoilers/references to injuries

It's a film with real lions that the director 'lived' with. They are... semi-domesticated? At any rate, the film famously caused injuries to dozens of cast and crew members, and many of the wounds you see from the lions in the film are real. It's not a documentary, it's got a 'story' - not a great one - but I am pretty sure anyone who watches it does so for the novelty. I sure did. There's a Best of the Worst that features it.

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Isn't this the film where Melanie Griffith got injured pretty badly by one of the lions? I think I remember reading she got cast because her mom was involved and she had to get stitches across her...stomach? I think?

Remember that woman that climbed two barricades to get a picture of a polar bear and became a glorious FAFO video.

Celt Z said:

Isn't this the film where Melanie Griffith got injured pretty badly by one of the lions? I think I remember reading she got cast because her mom was involved and she had to get stitches across her...stomach? I think?

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That's the one!

Tippi Hedren got her leg broken pretty badly during the scene when the elephant picks her up too.

That movie is fucking insane.

Maybe

maybe


maybe

if I got the cobra and swing it around like a fuckin' flail and bash it's head on a rock I might kill it before it's venom kills me. So at best I feel like a 40% chance of a draw.